THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[lalalollipops]

NC day 7

 

Woke up feeling really upset.

[sadgardener]

Day 14 of proper no contact, one month since BU after protracted withdrawal on his part (which had more to do with family issues than me but the "us" part of it was obviously a factor). Have been feeling ok - a bit angry but nothing paralysing - for the last 4 days after days of gut-wrenching grief. Bit of a setback today but still successfully resisting the temptation to make contact. He'll either work out that he's made a ropey decision or he won't & me initiating contact isn't going to change that. If he wants it enough, he'll find his way back. Although he is the biggest coward/martyr in the universe so there's always a possibility he'll want to make contact but not have the guts to do so!

 

In the meantime, I'm getting on with stuff, trying not to waste too much time mourning (although mornings are still tricky and the dreaming nights even worse).

 

Life was pretty good before I met him and there's no reason why it can't be the same again. Can't help feeling our story is not finished yet but I don't know what the next chapter brings, so there's no point trying to control it.

 

It's complicated doing the NC thing since our families are so intertwined but I think I probably hear more news of him than he does of me (which is FINE!). The less he knows about how I am, the better as far as I can see. And I promise I am not asking for news from his family - all I've heard so far is dates for concerts in which he's performing. I have not asked anything (although it's been SOOOO tempting!). And I am not planning to go to any of the concerts...

 

So, onwards and upwards!

 

(Still think he's asked the right questions and come to the wrong conclusion though....)

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 1.

 

He hasn't replied to my NC text. I know I shouldn't care, but I can't help wonder why he hasn't replied. Maybe he's shocked that I've actually managed to find the strength to go NC and is trying to get his head around it. Or maybe he can't be bothered to reply because he just doesn't care... I keep checking my phone every few minutes, but nothing. It's been a tough day, but I haven't cried. I've put on a brave face in front of my family and coped just fine. I'll be okay.

[ideal87]

Day #7. Missing her..and I don't know why. Maybe it's time to backtrack to a post I made in the "List The Reasons Why Your Ex Isn't Good Enough For You!".

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 2.

 

Woke up feeling really sad and empty. It sucks how it's so easy for him to forget about me and how hard it is for me to forget about him. But I managed a month of NC before so I can do it again. I want to go back to how good I felt after that month of NC. I was truly starting to get over him. I wish he never reached out to me and ruined everything.

[rocko123]

Day 20

 

Remembering all of the reasons we broke up today. Also remembering the reasons why I didn't, mainly sexual in nature. She was and continues to be a fantasy girl for me. How do I kill that off? I think I've killed off the romantic love aspect and I got over the idea of her being with other guys by having my own post BU fling but but dammit if she doesn't still get my motor revving.

 

Maybe this is a good thing. Physical love and attraction are what they are and she doesn't have the market covered on her brand of sexy. I just need to put myself in position to find it with someone else who isn't a f-ing trainwreck of a person.

 

ANYway, 10 days to go before I do my executive summary of this little experiment. 24 days before it's been 60 days of actual NC (I started this when I was 14 days in). No doubts that I'll hit both milestones and that I'm getting better everyday.

 

Oh, and it always makes me shake my head that this thread is in the Getting Back Together forum. Do any of us in NC want that? Still, good thread to be a part of and log my daily thoughts.

[NoGood90]

4 weeks since BU, 16 days NC.... almost over her I think, starting to see her bad qualities and starting to realise she wasnt very nice in general. Met a pretty cool girl recently and staying round hers next weekend so all worked out for the best onwards n upwards!

[IAmFCA]

Day 14

 

So busy Ive been falling asleep in the daylight. I missed him pretty deeply today. Too tired to feel.

[IAmFCA]

Day 14 post script

 

Crap. For the 1st time since NC, I actually contemplated contacting him. I've been focused on processing the loss, learning to think about other things. Tonight, I wanted to reach out to him, by letter? Remind him what's good about us, what's important in life, why I want him, why he wants me and us. Crap crap crap.

 

I truly miss his company

 

I am keeping NC. I am SO not out of the woods.

 

Grr.

[jvan]

Moved out today so I guess tomorrow will be day 1.

Main goal is just to feel normal again and learn to handle being alone.

 

Edit: Literally got a text from him five minutes after I posted. Come on universe, really?

[lalalollipops]

Day 9 in 3 hours time.

 

We broke up exactly 3 weeks ago, I miss him more each day. I don't think I'll be getting over him any time soon.

It's hard.

[IAmFCA]

Day 15.

 

Having trouble starting my day.

[rocko123]

Day 21

 

Just another monday morning. Thinking about relationships in my life and what they mean to me. Why does mine with her continue to standout with I have so many others that are more rewarding? Need to get on top of that at some point and forgive myself for all of the things I've put myself through pre and post BU.

[beatlesfan123]

Day 33.

 

Trust me guys, after day 30 it starts to improve. Yesterday my friend rang me up after breaking up with his girlfriend after a couple of days saying he just couldn't get out of bed and face life. I was over at his house in 15 minutes giving great advice, advice I've learnt from what I've read in these forums. I openly talked about my ex too and it made him feel a lot better (though he wouldn't embrace NC and was texting her throughout, hopefully he'll get the message soon enough). The funny thing was he was over at my house doing the exact same thing just before I broke up with my ex, because things weren't going well for me and her but him and his now-ex seemed fine!

 

For me, I'm at the point I genuinely don't care if we got back together or not. I've looked at the bigger picture and seen that the problems we had were not all my fault. Once you alleviate the guilt you start to understand that you haven't wronged your ex - your ex has wronged you. And even though I'm still analyzing away in my head, wondering if there isn't a darker secret I just don't know about, whether my conclusions aren't 100% valid, in the end none of it matters. Your time is better suited on healing and just enjoying your free time to yourself.

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 3.

 

I'm struggling to get out of bed. I'm not getting on with things I should be doing. Instead, I'm lying in bed wallowing over my ex. I need to stop this. Behaving like this isn't going to make me heal. I will get out of bed now and distract myself by doing something useful... I will do it!

[jooj]

Day 7 NC

 

I was here posting in this same thread a year and a half ago over another guy and NC was the main reason I healed and moved on with my life, he never came back but after a couple of months of doing NC I didnt want him back anyway.

 

This time my story is different. I fell madly in love with a guy who didnt want to get into a real relationship with me and who only wanted to be friends with benefits. In the beginning I resisted and tried staying away cuz being friends with benefits is not something I want but I just kept falling for him harder that I wanted what ever I can get from him so I accepted this upon myself. He treated me exactly as if we were in a relationship, calling me everyday, flirting with me, telling me he doesnt want me talking to other guys, telling me I'm the only girl he talks to this way but he still refused to label me as a girlfriend or to tell me I love you. Anyways throughout this relationship we had I kept out finding out some major lies he has told me about his life and I discovered that he tells those same lies to everyone else around him. I didn't face him about it cuz I loved him so much and was afraid of losing him until I discovered a huge new lie he told me and this time I couldn't hold my anger and I exploded. After that incident we only texted each other for a few days and whenever I tried calling him he would make up and excuse that he couldn't talk to me and would tell me he will call me back but doesnt. So I decided to go NC and I'm at my 7th day now because I want to keep my dignity and the last thing I want is to call someone and force myself on someone who doesnt want to talk to me. I don't know if our friendship is over, if he will ever be back or not. I know he's not good for me because he's a liar and he doesn't want a serious relationship with me anyways but I love him so much it hurts so the pain I'm feeling is exactly breakup pain because in my mind what we had is a real relationship

[sweetsparkle14]

Day 1 and it's really hard I feel like I lost the love of my life but I need to stay strong and let him go...

[IAmFCA]

Well said. I feel you. Good job with the NC.

[IAmFCA]

Day 33.

For me, I'm at the point I genuinely don't care if we got back together or not. I've looked at the bigger picture and seen that the problems we had were not all my fault. Once you alleviate the guilt you start to understand that you haven't wronged your ex - your ex has wronged you. And even though I'm still analyzing away in my head, wondering if there isn't a darker secret I just don't know about, whether my conclusions aren't 100% valid, in the end none of it matters. Your time is better suited on healing and just enjoying your free time to yourself.

 

Thank you for posting Mr. Fan. Encouragement to get to 30 VERY helpful.

 

I am on Day 15.

 

The process for me feels like a narrowing spiral. I have regressed into having to again acknowledge that we are not going to be together, I have regressed enough to consider contact. But I am not obsessing AS BADLY as I was, so I know I must be getting better.

 

Will NOT contact. If I did, and if he said yes I want you, would I believe him anyway? I could send him a letter. And never know his response to it? I think it would say "I wrote you a letter and decided not to send it. So this is all you get." And then he would know I still want him. I can fantasize that it would stab him in pain, but its just fantasy. It is just fantasy. It is just fantasy. All of it, it was just a fantasy. Let it go.

 

 

Am committing to have a better Day 16.

[Amandacast57]

I'm on day 2. We broke last Wednesday. He contacted me Thursday night to say he was sorry (again) and on Saturday because he needed the pants of his I had. We talked, but still it seemed like it was either all BS or he really just didn't know what he wanted.

 

I will say that I have REALLY grown as a respectable woman from my previous break-up to this one. I was just like everyone else and thought "I have to keep myself in his presence because otherwise he would forget me", "Please please don't leave" and any other immature, low-self esteem behavior you can think of.

 

This hurts, I can't lie. But in hindsight I felt like I did what I could do to be the best girlfriend. If there is a reason this "didn't work" it is because of him. I didn't really nag, I supported him in the things he wanted to do, I was there for him, etc. So as a whole, this is not my loss, only his.

 

And I will take my self-respect, dignity, and knowledge of knowing that I am a good catch and move on. If there is a chance for us, it will take more than a phone call here and there.

 

I'm better than that.

[vberriault]

Ok guys... i just broke N/C after only 3 days. But i would like to get your feedback on why i did.... Long story short . 5 years together. She left me... said it wasn't there anymore, added some little things i did she hated, frustration trying to have children..... She left out of no where...didnt come home for almost a week.. She came home... We talked... looked positive... she bailed the same night.... fast forward a week i find out she's been sleeping with another guy almost right after we broke up.....

 

My revelation of our real break up reason... loss of intimacy... excitement... and my lack of attention to her..... she has also battled with undiagnosed depression so i believe.

over the past year or so we have ceased having parties and social events... going out... doing fun things.. and pretty much became homebound... i don't mind this as i keep myself entertained with video games and such... she is a social butterfly... i did not notice the symptoms at all during this time... it grew until we broke up... she fits a text book depression episode...as well as the going right to another guy... he was in the right place at the right time.. when she was most vulnerable gave her compliments and made her feel special and gave excitement...I am guessing this perfect storm of depression and euphoria of a new guy has brought the situation to where is it...

 

I like to think i know her better than anyone. and if i am right then i am the only person who sees this situation for what it really is...I broke N/C so i can have a conversation with her in the near future.. this conversation i plan to have from the stand point of accepting her decision and taking responsibility for my part in the fallout..but at the same time using our history to try and see if this is really the case... If it is i think that breaking the N/C will be worth it even if she doesn't come back to me. at the very least it will clear the air from the past 2 weeks and bring resolve to the relationship allowing me to wish her well and let her know that it is because i love her that i will be letting her go..

 

 

I would appreciate any feedback you guys have. Thanks

[IAmFCA]

Hi vb

 

What are you hoping to gain from NC? It would take me more than one BU convo to recover after 5 years together, so I cut you slack however you choose.

 

I have several words of caution, though. ONE is, you can't fix her, and she will think you need to fix you. Probably both are true, of course. If I were her, I would want to know: didn't YOU miss intimacy in the past year? Didn't YOU miss having fun together? Were you going to take responsibility to making the relationship better? TWO is, after a year of distance, there seems to be a better than average chance that her friendship with New Guy was blooming during that same year. He may not be as new as you think. THREE is about the depression diagnosis. And, so? I feel like you are saying, once she is better, she will come home. If she is in need of therapy, medication, etc, she will need to take responsibility for it.

 

I do hear in your voice concern for her; the change seems sudden. But, after a year of distance, maybe its not so sudden for her.

 

After reading this, and considering your motivations, what do you think is best for you?

[IAmFCA]

OK 15, you stunk. I had a date on Saturday. I have a date tomorrow. I have a fun new email. I identified the degree to which he was a scoundrel, a lout, an unprincipled, dishonest, rotten, self-serving leech. And yet, I missed him anyway. I am done with you.

[vberriault]

Thanks for you reply...so i guess ill go ahead and fill in some more details..

1. I know i can't fix her.. but i somehow feel as though i can be a catalyst to her potential recovery... even if she doesn't come back to me i feel if i can at the very least help her in the right direction to recovery i will feel as though we both learned something..

2. I did miss the intimacy and coincidentally about 2 weeks before this all happened i had pillow talk with her about that and it ended in some fantastic close relations..i fear now that it might have been wrongly presented and even though that night was good might have planted seeds in her head in the lack on intimacy.. my delivery was specific to the bedroom and affection.. i did not even acknowledge the possibility that depression might be causing this...

3. With must research to understand how depression affects relationships i discovered that a very common by product of depression is the non depressed partner(me) falling into a slump as well... After being frequently turned down about various activities i just gave up asking.. and fell into the same mundane routines of staying at the house...i barely noticed this until after the breakup.. but looking back this situation affected us both equally and if this is an illness for her I was directly affect and drawn into it..

4. this summer i bought a motorcycle.... this got me out of the house for most the summer riding,... she doesn't double with me as she's scared... but this gave me back some excitement and fun.. i was out all the time.... i now see that this left her alone in her depression,.. and went from being co dependant to all by herself.. which i am sure was a huge strain.. one i didnt notice..

5. she has known this guy prior to this situation... but their only means of communication was via facebook.. i have seen all the msgs....they started casual conversations just before the breakup...Note to at the exact same time as our breakup the mother of a friend was in the hospital and passed away...She ended up babysitting the kids while the parents visited the mother.. at this time we were broken up...and this new guy was best friends with the family affected....it's the perfect storm....her depressed.. upset with me.. feeling unsatisfied and no intimacy... right after a breakup... surround by death and mourning... this guy swoops in and gives affection and compliments...in her state it this would give a breath of life into her...The newness and the exciting new sex in turn have lifted the vail of depression for the time being...giving her a sense of happiness..

 

obviously no one will like the new guy in the pictures but just to sum it up.... i'm a fairly successful individual with a life built... this new guy has been in and out of jail... does drugs..and for all intensive purposes is not her type.... her close friends are even scratching their head...

 

Lastly I agree the change may not be so sudden for her as she has been the one going through the turmoil... she has said it been awhile... but part of depression is internalising feelings and not communicating... then when it comes out lashing out at the ones closest to you..... i guess my hopes are to open her eyes to this and at the very least stop the vicious cycle of self destruction... the very best case would be for her to see this.. and see that she needs help and that she has turn on the person that is the most capable of supporting her through this.... i consider myself a extremely strong individual and she knows this...i know i still need to heal and grow from this., and not repeat the same patterns but to see the possible solution and reason is relieving and promising..

 

 

oh i almost forgot.. we did have a few breakup convos but they were more or less me apologizing for the stupid small things....begging pleading... promising.... trying to find the real reason....i started NC after i found out she was seeing someone else.... but now that i see this i feel i need to have one more conversation but from a objective clear headed point of view...to also show her that if this is actually happening that i am still the rock she knew me to be...i am probly guessing there is some resentment towards me for now recognizing this earlier... though it isn't my fault that's how people with depression usually deal with it by blaming

[IAmFCA]

I think you are pretty deeply invested in her, and loyal, and thats what love is, and so you have earned the right to put yourself out there for her. Your motivations sound balanced and I think you are in a good place for this conversation.

 

I am sorry for the hurt that will follow. I read your post elsewhere and you guys had a lot on your plates. Maybe she got overwhelmed by the reality of life choices she was about to make.

 

Tread lightly, maybe write a letter and hand it to her while you are there?

 

Good luck with this.