sadgardener

You can't bear to contact me because it makes you feel guilty. And so it should. For someone who claimed that honesty was fundamental, you fell very short of your own standards. Although I should have perhaps realised that cowardice always trumps honesty. You came close to breaking me but broken hearts mend. I am the one that got away. Poor, poor you! The Wide-Mouthed-Frog is lovely but she is not your salvation. She, like me, and the one that came before, deserves someone who can give as well as take. So she'll be heading for the hills once she works out what a fraud you are. Sad, sad man in a prison of your own making.

I miss you. I miss finding out how your day has gone and you asking about mine. I miss pottering around the kitchen cooking together. I miss the look of delight on your face as we found the perfect cheese in Blain. I miss the way we moved together as we slept, you wrapping around me, me wrapping around you. I miss your ridiculous but endearing porridge ritual in the morning. I miss the smell of you. I miss the way you consider everything before launching into an opinion. I miss the music. I miss watching you play and feeling such awe at how talented you are. I miss how tall you are (what a stupid thing to say but it's true!). I miss the fun. I miss the gardens. I miss feeling useful and needed. I miss feeling desirable. You gave me a voice and I'm really grateful for that but I don't know where it's safe to say the things I feel like saying. I'm trying not to dissect every last word too much. You've chosen to get out & there's no point me chasing...it's undignified (and after all, if I can't be with you, I do have to find a way of being with myself) and if, ("IF" such a small word and yet so much invested in it) there's ever to be a chance of some sort of "us" again, then the worst thing I can do is make you feel bad every time you hear from me. So, go with love. Explore all the things you've never felt free to explore before. On a good day, I sincerely hope you find whatever it is you think is out there. On a bad day, I hope that you miss me so much that you find a way back to me. But however romantically inclined I am, I'm also a pragmatist. You decided to go (and I pushed you - although very gently). You can't even decide what to have for lunch without an internal struggle so if you decided to leave me, it must have been after a lot of soul-searching. It's sad that you couldn't talk to me about the process, that you had to be so cruel in your withdrawal. But things are as they are. I'm getting there. I can believe for at least part of each day that we are over, that there isn't going to be any kind of Hollywoodesque reunion. But there's still a part of me that thinks you asked yourself all the right questions and came up with the wrong answer. I do I hope I'm wrong about that. I hope it was the right answer for you because if it was, then it'll be the right answer for me too, even if it takes some getting used to. Today (5 weeks after break up) I'm philosophical. Yesterday I couldn't stop crying. The week before I was fine. So, I won't be contacting you just yet because I can't trust what I feel to be consistently true (apart from the missing you bit - that seems to be constant). If I'm not sure how I will be feeling from minute to minute, then I'm not safe to have a conversation with you. So, good luck in all that aspire you to do. Please don't waste this opportunity to do all the things you never had the chance to do in the 30 years before your wife died. She is gone, your children have flown the nest. Grasp your chances before they are too late. Live. Feel. Love. - and of course what I want you to do is love ME! But if you can't love me, then please do go and love someone - don't just moulder in that sad, sorry, cold and ugly house. I love you so profoundly I can't find the words. You're part of me. And I just have to hold onto the fact that it was more than 2 years of unbelievably good, that you showed me all sorts of stuff (and I did for you too) but it's over. Probably for ever, maybe just for now. Who knows? I'm trying really hard not to think it's just a blip and all will be alright in the end. It was good while it lasted & I need to accept it was what it was and nothing more. Thanks for the music, for the fun, for the kindness. I miss it all. I miss you. xxx

Day 14 of proper no contact, one month since BU after protracted withdrawal on his part (which had more to do with family issues than me but the "us" part of it was obviously a factor). Have been feeling ok - a bit angry but nothing paralysing - for the last 4 days after days of gut-wrenching grief. Bit of a setback today but still successfully resisting the temptation to make contact. He'll either work out that he's made a ropey decision or he won't & me initiating contact isn't going to change that. If he wants it enough, he'll find his way back. Although he is the biggest coward/martyr in the universe so there's always a possibility he'll want to make contact but not have the guts to do so! In the meantime, I'm getting on with stuff, trying not to waste too much time mourning (although mornings are still tricky and the dreaming nights even worse). Life was pretty good before I met him and there's no reason why it can't be the same again. Can't help feeling our story is not finished yet but I don't know what the next chapter brings, so there's no point trying to control it. It's complicated doing the NC thing since our families are so intertwined but I think I probably hear more news of him than he does of me (which is FINE!). The less he knows about how I am, the better as far as I can see. And I promise I am not asking for news from his family - all I've heard so far is dates for concerts in which he's performing. I have not asked anything (although it's been SOOOO tempting!). And I am not planning to go to any of the concerts... So, onwards and upwards! (Still think he's asked the right questions and come to the wrong conclusion though....)