THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Lindorie]

Hopeparis if you're holding on to any kind of idea of a future second chance, you will have to adjust the attitude - not just for that mind you, for yourself too! Since you share a group of friends there's no way of avoiding him and don't limit your time with your friends just because you two broke up, the last thing you need right now is to lose anyone else and feel lonely! As far as your attitude towards him goes, be cordial when you're all out together, but don't engage into anything one on one with him. Believe me, I know it's hard, but ignoring him will male it even harder and put everyone in an awkward position, you two and your friends. On the other hand, acting cordial but not overly friendly shows maturity on your part and speaks volumes of your character! Since you don't have a choice but to see him, that's the only thing that might make him change your mind - seeing that you're mature and okay with yourself, as the opposite of acting childish etc.

 

Don't expect any miracles though, 15 days since breakup is not all that much and it usually takes people longer to start missing you, if they do. Seeing you every day is not the same as having youvas part of his life though, so he will see the difference (if you act the right way) even if you can't go full NC. No matter how hard and impossible it seems right now, it helps to let go of the outcome in your mind and focusing your energy on yourself instead of all the what ifs. Let him see you're mature and okay on your own. All you can do is work on your own happiness, it's up to him to realize he wants you back (or not) and there's nothing you can do about it - so why try? Put yourself first and trust that whatever happens, it will be the best for YOU! Maybe he realizes he messed up and wants you back, maybe you realize you deserve something better and move on. That's life.

 

Petunia I see we're in the same boat with our exes - them saying one thing but acting the opposite of it one thought I would like to put out there is that sometimes people can't admit to themselves what they really want or have a trouble saying it to someone out of the fear of being turned down - hurt. Not trying to give anyone false hope, but I used to be like that and couldn't say how I felt no matter what, I was way too afraid of rejection. I know everyone says that the dumper should come to you, tell you how wrong they were and all that jazz and directly admit they want you back, but I don't necessarily agree with it. Situations like that happen in movies, in real life most of us are way too broken to put our feelings on the line like that. Being the dumper can actually make it even harder, since you have to swallow your pride, admit you were wrong and risk the person turning you down once and for all. As you told me, I would stay cautiously optimistic and just go with it. Sometimes actions speak louder than words and hers seem to say she wants contact between you two. Just be there and open to communication without putting any pressure on her and you shall see how things develop in the future

 

As for me and my updates, it's been a funny week. After we've bumped into each other and he was the one who started to actually make plans for a coffee, I went on with my life as it was before - filled my days with people and things that make me happy. It's on him to contact me now to set the coffee meetup (before NC he started this thing where we're supposed to exchange the initiation for meeting up so I'm following that) and we'll see when and how that happens. It's been a funny weekend anyway, I ended up having a short coffee with my ex-mother-in-law (we've all lived together for over a year and she still cares about me a lot and wants to hear how I'm doing) and I guess it really shows I've moved on from the past relationship and living for me now. It was all casual updates, but she hinted he's not doing all that much and well on his own (which I find interesting because before she was the one telling me to move on and find something better, kinda weird, I know) and even suggested we should take a two day trip together next month (which I avoided discussing of course). It seems like when you actually let things go, they start coming back in the weirdest ways possible x).

[Tind]

Hello i am on day 13 of no contact i am feeling ok haven't heard from him but he is a very stubborn man.. I am also doing this to move on

[blabla]

After a month and a few days of NC, I broke it this morning by wishing him a happy birtdhay, in a very nice and cheerfull manner. He has seen the message immediately, and didn´t respond. I don´t understand why, the last time we´ve seen each other it was very touching and nice. He might either not respond at all (which would be pretty ty of him) or respond much later, or even tommorow. He did that when I contacted him after our break up. Anyway, I guess this tells me that he probably doesn´t want anything to do with me, and that I shouldn´t pursue further conversation I inteded to have with him. An this goes without saying if he doesn´t respond at all.

 

I´m feeling a bit down, because I did want to see how he is, and check in. But, I´m not back at square one with my healing, since I pretty much accepted that he definitely is not for me and that the way he was treating me really wasn´t good enough. Now I´m just wishing for this to pass as soon as possible, to stop expecting a ˝Thank you˝ msg from him...

[ntAgainPetunia]

blabla, I wished my ex a happy birthday and she didn't respond until later that evening. In her case, I think she was just processing things. That's not to say that's what your ex is doing, but one can't tell what is going on in someone else's mind.

 

It's probably for the best that you don't expect a response, but don't try to read any messages into it. Then again, he might surprise you. Let go of expectations and let whatever is going to happen happen.

 

Hang in there!

[rlhuk]

What happened?

 

He was posting on a mutual friend's facebook post trying to get a ticket for an event. My friend was selling one and I posted telling him there was one going. He thanked me, I didn't say anything else but immediately regretted it because I felt sad straight away.

[hopeparis]

So we just went out with our group of friends and on the way something fell out of his pocket... a condom.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this since we're not together anymore, but it's been 2 weeks and he's already sleeping with other people?

Why do I feel so betrayed? I'm disgusted... Wow.

[saluk]

So we just went out with our group of friends and on the way something fell out of his pocket... a condom.

I know I shouldn't be feeling like this since we're not together anymore, but it's been 2 weeks and he's already sleeping with other people?

Why do I feel so betrayed? I'm disgusted... Wow.

 

Should and shouldn't aren't going to have any effect on your feelings right now. It doesn't matter that you are not together anymore... the shadow of your time together and how you would have felt seeing him sleeping with someone else during that time is going to stick around for a while. You need to have less contact than this. I disagree strongly with Lindorie. Feeling lonely sucks, but finding other people to hang out with would be very wise. You can still see these people occasionally - but not when he's around. If you have to feel lonely for a bit while you heal from your attachment, that may be what you have to do. You can think of it like if you had broken your arm. Yes, it sucks that you can't use your arm for the 6-weeks or whatever that it's in the cast. But if you don't put it in the cast, you risk losing your arm permanently. In this analogy, every time something like this condom incident happens, you extend the amount of time it's going to take before you are healed and in a place where you can really move on.

 

Sorry you felt this. That really sucks. Of course, having a condom doesn't mean he's going to use it or he has actually slept with someone yet.

[killah]

DAY 5

 

Moving on sucks!

 

I wish there was a switch Lovers/Friends.

 

I woke up this morning thinking about him, missing him.

I'm also kind of obsessed about what if he is sleeping with someone else already. He doesn't have a problem getting dates as far as I know. I do. It's a big deal for me to get a date or meet someone new. I think he'll move on much faster than I will. I know it's not a competition, and I should focus on getting better but f##k!

[blabla]

blabla, I wished my ex a happy birthday and she didn't respond until later that evening. In her case, I think she was just processing things. That's not to say that's what your ex is doing, but one can't tell what is going on in someone else's mind.

 

It's probably for the best that you don't expect a response, but don't try to read any messages into it. Then again, he might surprise you. Let go of expectations and let whatever is going to happen happen.

 

Hang in there!

 

That´s exactly what happend! And he was very sweet, and started texting me about some random things, like he did before. And continued to text me a couple of time on his own later, sending me some pics and making jokes. Just like nothing really changed. I don´t know what to make of it.

 

Thanks for support!

[hopeparis]

Yeah, you're tight. The break up alone was very difficult to me, and this only adds to my pain. I feel like . He seems to be perfectly ok without me.

[Tind]

Day 14 of no contact..i am doing this challenge to move on..but wondering if i will eventually hear from this stubborn man..i know i am not suppose to care ..but i am only human

[SeanCages]

First day of No Contact, after talking with my ex about how she's giving this other guy a chance with her.

And man, has it been rough. I had such a great month of september without her, and last week was great too, but this news, it's confusing as hell. On one side, I don't feel like it changes much in our dynamic. I need to move on just as much as I needed to do that last week. Also, my bet is a rebound, and that's actually good, because it forces me to take time of off her. But on the other hand, it raises so many questions about what she said, how we as a couple handled breaking up (we just sorta decided to let ourselves drift apart instead of actually something being amiss). And what I could've done since we broke up up until this point. But it's all for the better, I truly believe that.

So yeah, I just took my day in silence, not doing lots of productive stuff. I did go to the dentist, no cavities, sweet. And about now (6 pm), I'm doing my workout routine finally and looking out to this evening. The days just get lonely. I need to work on a hobby, pick stuff up, do even more sports.

I also put her on the restricted list on my facebook, so she doesn't have to see everything I post or every thing I attend. That should be a step in the right direction. We have so many mutual friends and interests that I apparently showed up on her facebookpage like all the ing time. So, that's taken care off.

 

So yeah, strange day, just blank, my brain was blank, I didn't do the usual smalltalk with the cute dentist, nor anything else like that, but we'll see what tonight brings.

I am looking forward to being single again though, before my relationship, I was pretty good at that, if I say so myself. I let myself go because of complacency during the relationship, and that's never a good thing. I truly believe me as a person would be perfect for her, but not the current me, the best me, just like the current her just won't float my boat.

[killah]

DAY 6.

 

I feel more and more myself as time goes by. I'm starting to enjoy things I do.

Life goes on. My ex avoids me at work at all costs. We work in the same company, in one building but different floors. He does not come up like ever I think this means that he is willing to give me space I asked for, and that, despite saying that we should act cool at work, we are not acting cool, obviously he does not feel comfortable seeing me. Does it hurt me that he doesn't seek my coompany? I don't know. I guess, a little bit. But I'm also grateful for that.

It's actually an amazing feeling when grief turns into sadness and you feel like you slowly get your old normal self back.

[ntAgainPetunia]

Killah, I'm glad you're feeling a little better! I asked my ex for space after we broke up and thankfully she respected that. That, and NC, helped me grieve properly and heal that much faster. Look at him avoiding you as a blessing for your own mental health! I still had plenty of down days, but they became less down and more infrequent as time went on. Just be prepared for that.

 

My own situation: sent S a link yesterday to a poster that would be awesome for her classroom (she's a HS English teacher) but totally inappropriate, but that I knew she'd love. Had a couple of quick back and forths and then I went on with my day. I have to admit I was feeling pretty sad when I went to bed last night. Today was ok, haven't messaged her, will wait for her to initiate even if it takes days. And if she doesn't... I'll cross that bridge if I come to it. In the meantime, I have a busy week with family and friends, so I don't have a lot of time to miss or think about her.

[youngman23]

DAY 1 NC

 

So after giving into a text from my ex yesterday i here to start the challenge! Today has been a pretty good day tbh went bowling with a buddy and then treated myself to Fallout 4!

 

Its been 2 months since we broke up, and my biggest regret of it all was not going NC at the start, me dnd tbe ex have said alot of horrible stuff to wach other but we then seem to be ok the next minute!

 

From the messages i have got from my ex, she very much seems to be now regretting the breakup, her words "i cant let go of you, the thought of you with another woman kills me, but i want this to work but the only way it can work is if we leave each other alone and start with a fresh start"

 

As much as i would love to get back with her i cant hold onto this hope, im actually going NC for myself, give me time to heal!

 

The hardest thing i gave done today was, block her mobile number, block her whatsapp, the only way she can contact me is through facebook but she has me blocked on there

[hopeparis]

Day 13 of no contact, although I see him everyday... it's been particularly hard. The condom thing had me questioning our entire relationship. I feel used. Also a very hard night because we were supposed to see the Cirque du Soleil tonight for my birthday. The posters of it are everywhere in town. It's like there's no way to escape him. I hope tomorrow will be better. It's been two weeks of constant pain. I'm exhausted. I shouldn't have to go through all this at 19. I feel so old.

[hopeparis]

That's very brave of you youngman, knowing she wants you back. You're very strong. Keep doing you.

[killah]

ntAgainPetunia, thank you for your support! As for your situation: our exes never disappear from our lives completely, but it doesn't mean that we get back together with them. It's better to always know where you're standing. Keep it cool!

 

youngman23, she def gives you hope, but hope is a tricky thing. Be careful and focus on yourself for now. Don't obsess over her and keep in mind that she also thinks about you a lot and misses you. Found this online and it helped me: "that’s the ty, ironic, wonderful thing about ending a relationship: no matter how heartbroken and alone you feel, there’s always one other person out there who knows exactly what you had, and what you lost. Though it may feel like a solitary activity, healing and moving on is the last thing you and your ex will do together".

[killah]

hopeparis, 19 is awesome!! It seems hard, but just think of how much wisdom you will have at the end.

[hopeparis]

Yeah, that's true. It's just such a shock to me that he hasn't even texted me or anything, like all of this relationship meant nothing to him. While I'm here hurting. It just really hurts.

[Tind]

Hi i am on day 15... I am beginning to feel lonly again especially in the mornings.. Yesterday was a challenge i was itching to call but i fought the feeling by reminding my self how destructive it would be for me and my healing and how i will remain stuck in a vicious mentally destroying state of not being able to let go and move on to healthier relationship with someone that is better for me

[SeanCages]

Well, don't be so sure of that.

My ex told me 2 days ago that she was hurting alot too during those months we were breaking up, but she just didn't want to show that. Didn't want to give us any chance of getting back together too early. But she suffered as well. Maybe even more than I did back then. 19 is a blessed age as well, don't worry, you have to believe everyone has endless possibilities of attaining happiness, and in that mindset of abundancy, that's when you have a shot at getting the relationship you want. Be it with your ex or someone else. Happiness is happiness after all.

[Tind]

I forgot to mention his birthday was on the 7th i thought of texting happy birthday but decided not to..he is a manipulative person by nature and would proberly take it the wrong way

[rlhuk]

I don't know what day it even is. It doesn't matter though because he will be in the same place as me on Saturday night so I might as well just call this limbo and start from day 1 on Sunday.

 

 

[hopeparis]

Day 17 of breakup, 13 of NC.

 

Thank you SeanCages. I see him going out every night after school, so it's kind of driving me crazy. I've started to feel better, I'm finding happiness within myself which is a good thing. I cry less often, it's become another kind of pain. Not the excruciating type anymore, now it's more of a constant wave of sadness.

I still have the hope that he'll come back. I have a lot of mixed signals when I see him, when he's around our friends (not specifically interacting with me) l see something in his behavior changing, he gets very happy for one second but then his whole mood changes - he gets unhappy and very closed for the rest of the day. When I'm around him, he seems hurt, he doesn't even look me in the eyes (while he's the one who left me), but then proceeds to go out... It's a very weird/confusing situation. I have to stop focusing so much on what he might be feeling/doing and more on myself.

I'm seeing him tomorrow with another friend for a project. Don't know how I'm gonna handle this one.

 

 

Do you think guys have a very different way of handling break ups ?