THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 4.

 

Had to get up early so no sulking in bed until 2.30pm today! I feel a bit better than yesterday. I'm still missing him lots but there is absolutely no way I am breaking NC. I'm not even tempted in the slightest because being in contact with him just makes me even more miserable. Therefore I know NC is the right thing to do. The recovery stories on here give me that hope that one day he'll be a distant memory and I won't care anymore. I can't wait until that day comes...

[lalalollipops]

Day 10

 

Am pretty happy I finally hit double digits! Feelings aren't lessoning, but I know I'll be strong and it'll be fine eventually.

[rocko123]

Day 22

 

I'm going to post in the morning and the evening today just to see if there's a difference in my mood. Currently, 9am and I'm a little sad and frustrated with myself. I know all of the reasons we're not together, that it will never be again, and that I have to get comfortable seeing her. But instead, I just miss her and I'm sad. Need to stop drinking so much because my mornings after are rocky like this. And I'm getting fat again.

 

A breakfast burrito will make me feel better, right?

[IAmFCA]

Day 22

 

I'm going to post in the morning and the evening today just to see if there's a difference in my mood. Currently, 9am and I'm a little sad and frustrated with myself. I know all of the reasons we're not together, that it will never be again, and that I have to get comfortable seeing her. But instead, I just miss her and I'm sad. Need to stop drinking so much because my mornings after are rocky like this. And I'm getting fat again.

 

A breakfast burrito will make me feel better, right?

 

Rocko I have (obviously) been posting morning and evening in part to make myself stay tethered to the NC contest, and in part because my mood absolutely changes. The morning is a life line, it helps keep me mindful. The evening post helps contain my self-destructive instincts; these kick in when I am tired.

 

Came on to post now because I am late today, and want to keep track of the count. I am a fan of the two-a-day.

[IAmFCA]

Day 16.

 

Am repeating that list: scoundrel, lout, unprincipled dishonest rotten self serving leech.

 

Being brilliant, a great dad, and an accomplished generalist in - pretty much everything - sports, medicine, engineering, IT, aviation, history - made him funner than heck. But, character trumps all else. He said, at the end, that he learned that I "am way smarter than [he] in some ways". I bet that came as a shock to that bloated brain of his.

 

Date tonight to watch election results... its like a learning journey. I could just as easily not go. Going because his efforts warrant my acceptance, and because I need to practice rewarding character. Clearly, I need a lot of practice.

[Aspie Mom]

Day 36

 

I thought (or hoped) that it would be a distant memory by now but alas.........the burning is still there. I don't want to be with him or see him. I simply want to know.......do you miss me?

 

UGGG..............:shame:

[Dallasguy]

Day number one for me. I miss her dearly, we tried dating and she said she didn't feel anything anymore, and ask me not to call for awhile. She's said these things before but has always come back. The longest we have ever been in NC is one week. This time it's for good unless she calls me..................One day down. 29 to go

[Dallasguy]

Day 2.

 

Woke up feeling really sad and empty. It sucks how it's so easy for him to forget about me and how hard it is for me to forget about him. But I managed a month of NC before so I can do it again. I want to go back to how good I felt after that month of NC. I was truly starting to get over him. I wish he never reached out to me and ruined everything.

 

I know exactly what you mean. My ex and I have been broking up for two months with no stop contact. The longest of no contact was one week. We some how starting talking again. We tried dating for 30 day just to see how it goes....Well it lastest 5 days. Now she says here feeling have changed. Right back to square one. Day number one for me...............Hang in there

[rocko123]

Day 22- pm

 

Not feeling much better. Lonely after having seen the ex while driving home. Wish things were different or that I didn't care about her the way she doesn't care about me.

 

not going to drink for a while. This feeling is too hard to deal with.

[IAmFCA]

Day 16

 

It still hurts. Different things keep hurting. It hurt to have been so mistreated, it hurt not to have him, then it hurt to give him up, now it hurts to consider that he has moved on.

 

Why why why would I care. Really. I deserve better. He has just let me wander out of his life as if it means nothing.

[IAmFCA]

Damn it. Day 1.

[Nvme]

Can't even get past day 1... Sent an email 16 hours ago. Checked her twitter constantly. I fail at this so hard.

[JohnGalt]

Back to day 1. The problem is that for the last 3 nights I have been having vivid dreams about me asking her back and she not wanting to get with me. It is like real life. I wake up broken. I don't post in the getting back together forum alot because I don't really want to get back together with my ex. I really want to get over her, but because of these dreams...I wake up desperate to have her back. It gets better throughout the day - but these morning suck.

 

Oh and I unblocked her on FB to check her page to see if she was still single. She is.

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 5.

 

I feel good this morning. I felt pretty good last night too. Logic is finally starting to take over my emotions. But I know this is just temporary... I'll probably feel sad again later. After all, the healing process isn't linear. There will be ups and there will be downs.

 

It really really REALLY it helps that I've deactivated my Facebook though. I've read some people on here look at their ex partner's Facebook. I wouldn't torture myself like that. I imagine the worst case scenario and think... What if he had changed his profile picture to him with that other woman?... What if he changed his status to 'In a Relationship'?... It would make me so bloody miserable! Ignorance is bliss, I say. Honestly everyone, don't look at their Facebook. NC includes not looking at their Facebook. You can't move on if you keep checking up on them. You'll just see something you don't like and start the healing process all over again.

[NCForeverGirl]

I know exactly what you mean. My ex and I have been broking up for two months with no stop contact. The longest of no contact was one week. We some how starting talking again. We tried dating for 30 day just to see how it goes....Well it lastest 5 days. Now she says here feeling have changed. Right back to square one. Day number one for me...............Hang in there

 

Wow, if you're longest of NC is a week no wonder it's so difficult to heal. Go for the 30 days... You can do it! Just imagine how much stronger you'll be at the end of it!

[rocko123]

Day 23

 

It's a brand new day with another opportunity to take care of me, not her. All of the peeps here who are early on in your NC, take heart and press on. Make it about you and it will get easier.

 

IthinkIcan,

 

Don't be hard on yourself. Did you get the Buddha book? If so, read through chapters 13 to 17 (quick read). These really helped me this morning to rationalize all of the ways we didn't work and what I don't have to deal with in my life since the BU.

[lalalollipops]

Day 11.

 

I was very distraught after getting home last night. Fought the extreme urge to contact him though .

30 days, I can do this.

[zep]

Day 3... This is my first streak of real NC with this ex. I changed my number and deleted him from everything so he couldn't contact me if he tried. I just want to forget about him as soon as possible. Tonight I made a point of staying home instead of going out with my friends after work. I can't just distract myself from this breakup, I need to be able to push through it.

 

I just want to make it to 180 days. I want to make it to 180 days, and not even notice its been that long because I am so over it by then. Reading that it gets easier after 30 days was a big relief. I think it will be hardest in the second week...

[vberriault]

@ Ithinkican

 

Just an update from a previous post... I finally got my ex over..She was very unwilling to come over as she was probly expecting the same crazy person trying to get her back...but she agreed to 20 mins.. Anyways long story short.. i talked to her about our past 1.5 years together and how we went from being social people always having parties and doing things to hermits that could barely keep the house clean... At first she gave me a cold shoulder to the issue and told me she knew what i was gonna say about depression...After a little more talking she told me she started getting help already...she began to show emotions about the issue... i was able to open her eyes that this may possibly be the reason she can't feel love for me.. but that i also understand that it could be that she doesn't anymore as well.i continued to speak about it to try and give more perspective to the how this affect both of us and not just her...Ultimately i finished to conversation by telling her that i understand and respect her feelings. I also was able to tell her that when she comes back up from this, and if she gets those feelings back that i forgive her and that i know it wasn't her fault and it was out of her control.

 

After talking i asked her how she felt... She said that it all made sense but she still doesn't know... I told her i understand and that it must be hard.. she said it was very confusing for her...i also asked her if she blames me or our relationship for her depression.. she said no... which is a huge relief for me..

 

With this said Today is now Day 1 of No Contact.. Which i am doing for myself... at the moment i feel fantastic..Even though i would be most happy with her back.. i know that right now her feelings are not there. if we ever get another chance i need to also find myself and make myself better first so i will be prepared.. if it doesn't happen then i will be ready to move on..

 

Cheers and thanks for reading

 

ps.. at the end she said " 'we' need space".... i also believe this was a very good move as i anticipate if she's getting help she will speak with that person about this conversation... and hopefully help her explore it.

[rocko123]

Day 24

 

Spent the evening with my son and we had a great time. He's bearing with me throughout this process and helping me figure out who I am without her. Amazing what therapy a 3 year old can provide withou knowing it.

 

I anticipate today is going to be a bt more difficult than yesterday. I won't be as busy at work and that will open up time to ruminate on bad thoughts. Wish I were better at the whole thought control thing.

[JohnGalt]

Day 2.

 

I've gone 24 hours without contacting my ex. Not very difficult especially since I made a fool of myself the last time. I know that in 2-3 months time, I can have her back if she's not in a relationship. I know she just wants to be free right now and get through the first semester of law school on her own.

 

Will we get back together? Perhaps. But our relationship is not healthy right now. Even if she came back today, I'd be happy for about a week and then I'd resent her for leaving in the first place. The pain and resentment would poison the reconciliation and I'd be right back on here talking about how I screwed it up. Though I love my ex unconditionally, my ego is bruised. My wanting her back is just as much about wanting to boost my ego as it is about wanting to continue a relationship with her. The rejection immediately made me go into defensive mode - how can I fix this so I don't feel rejected. I never stopped to think, maybe I don't want to be in this relationship either? I know I had thought about it several times in the weeks leading up to the breakup. She changed in law school and I didn't like the changes. So maybe the breakup was good for the both of us? As much as I miss her and the memories, I can truly say that I am happy without her. I talk to whoever I want, I spend as much time as I need at work, I can focus on my own dreams and ambitions without thinking of how they will impact her. That's freedom.

 

So time. I need time to reflect. She needs time to reflect. We need time to see other people - even if just for a while. Maybe these other relationships and time will confirm that we don't need to be together. Maybe it will drive us back together. I suspect the odds will be 50/50.

 

But no contact is needed for me to heal properly. So this is how I am going to play it. No contact for at least the entire rest of the semester. That should be two good months of no contact.

 

And no contact means that: 1) I will not contact her in any medium (Phone, Facebook, Text, Twitter, Gchat or face to face); 2) I will not look at her facebook, twitter, gchat; 3) I will(already have) block her from Gchat, facebook; 4) I will(already have) take her number out of my phone; 5) I will(already have) delete her from linkedin.

 

She may reach out to me from time to time. If she reaches out to me: 1) I will not respond immediately; 2) I will gather my thoughts and emotions; 3) I will make a decision about whether to respond based on the content of the message; 4) I will not give her an ego boost; 5) I will not bring up the past relationship.

 

If she reaches out with breadcrumbs (i.e., "miss you" "thought about you") my reply will be a default "thanks! hope all is well." If she reaches out with a testing the waters ("hey, how are you?") my default will be a hour or two later "Great! Swamped at work. Hope all is well." If she reaches out to tell me she has a new love or boyfriend, my default will be "Congrats. I wish you two all the best." If she says something more like "i love you" or "i want to work it out" then I will follow the approach above. If she reaches out in any other way (sends me news articles, asks for my advice, wants me to help on something) I will ignore her.

 

In the meantime, I will focus on my healing. I will not focus on her or what she is doing. Instead, I want to: 1) kick ass at my job; 2) apply to some fellowships; 3) finish the insanity workout program; and 4) volunteer more in my neighborhood.

 

We were together for 2.5 years, so I know I won't be over her by the time her semester is over. But by late January I should be able to think clearly and rationally about whether or not the relationship was something I truly want to have back. If not, I will continue with no contact. If it is something I would like back, I will reach out to her and see if she is receptive. If she's still does not want to try to work things out, I will continue the above with the express purpose to heal completely to allow someone else new into my life, but that person will get a newer and improved version of myself. If she does want to work things out, I will want to take it slow and just date her and have fun with her.

 

So obviously, I'm in limbo between wanting to have her back (which is a function of the recent breakup) and wanting to heal and move on with dignity. I can't have her back right now anyways, so I might as well opt for healing and moving on with dignity with the caveat that I will revaluate things in a few months.

[IAmFCA]

To my NC family: Thank you. Tomorrow might be my new Day 1, as our email exchange has continued into this morning.

 

What I learned from breaking NC: he misses me as badly as I miss him. I also learned that he imagined that I had moved on easily. Both things were very helpful to learn. How I feel from breaking NC: Oddly OK. I actually feel more energetic today. What is at risk from breaking NC: I sometimes feel like I could see him again, not as a friend, and not intimately. Sort of like stuck forever in dating purgatory. I am taking today to understand myself a little better before I commit to tomorrow.

 

@Rocko: I am picking up the book this afternoon. Its at the counter waiting for me. Thank you.

@vb: Your story is inspiring because you were able to have such a supportive discussion. Thank you for sharing it.

@JG: When I am ready, I am going to follow your directions to yourself:

 

"no contact means that: 1) I will not contact her in any medium (Phone, Facebook, Text, Twitter, Gchat or face to face); 2) I will not look at her facebook, twitter, gchat; 3) I will(already have) block her from Gchat, facebook; 4) I will(already have) take her number out of my phone; 5) I will(already have) delete her from linkedin.

 

She may reach out to me from time to time. If she reaches out to me: 1) I will not respond immediately; 2) I will gather my thoughts and emotions; 3) I will make a decision about whether to respond based on the content of the message; 4) I will not give her an ego boost; 5) I will not bring up the past relationship.

 

If she reaches out with breadcrumbs (i.e., "miss you" "thought about you") my reply will be a default "thanks! hope all is well." If she reaches out with a testing the waters ("hey, how are you?") my default will be a hour or two later "Great! Swamped at work. Hope all is well." If she reaches out to tell me she has a new love or boyfriend, my default will be "Congrats. I wish you two all the best." If she says something more like "i love you" or "i want to work it out" then I will follow the approach above. If she reaches out in any other way (sends me news articles, asks for my advice, wants me to help on something) I will ignore her.

 

In the meantime, I will focus on my healing. I will not focus on her or what she is doing. Instead, I want to: 1) kick ass at my job; 2) apply to some fellowships; 3) finish the insanity workout program; and 4) volunteer more in my neighborhood."

 

An excellent post, sir!

[lalalollipops]

John, I don't think you should reply at all unless your ex texts and tells you she wants u back. Your replies of 'thanks' regardless of you waiting one hour or two days still obv shows she has certain power over you. NC should be straight up silence mode anyway.

 

 

Anyway Day 12

 

Hitting two weeks soon and I'm quite proud. Last night I had to be strong as the urges were intense.

[NCForeverGirl]

Day 6.

 

Feeling surprisingly good right now. I'm doing much better with my second attempt of NC compared to my first.

 

During my first attempt of NC I would constantly check my phone every hour to see if he texted me and whenever I thought about him I'd feel a deep pang... It was a struggle to hold back the tears.

 

Now, my second attempt of NC, I keep my phone in my bag or another room and I only check it once or twice a day. I don't feel tempted to look at it very much. I still think about him A LOT, but the pang isn't as intense and I don't cry anymore.

[Mistykitty]

Day 2

 

Freaking sucks. When I went NC before, he at least tried to talk to me. Now its just nothing.

I just keep telling myself its for the best, as the last time we talked it ended up in a fight. Its just hard knowing he doesn't want to talk to me, either..