Aspie Mom

I'll think about you today. I am remembering how we exchanged the first "I love you's" on the night before Thanksgiving last year. I could make it all romantic in my head but I won't. I won't retell the story to myself about how I WISHED it had gone. Nope.....I remember how it really went down. Getting drunk at that sleezy, dangerous bar. Being so wasted we had to take a cab home. You not even being able to say "I love you" but twisting it around so that you could test me and see what I would say. Geez........you are 40+ years old. Wasted, room spinning. It was a great way to spend the holiday. Hungover on Thanksgiving. You kicked me out early because your kids were coming over at 4 that day. I 'thought' that this was ok. I was grateful for THIS? NOT ANYMORE. This year I'm taking the most important man in my life on a date......my son. Going to the movies, get home at a respectable hour and go to the gym in the morning. I know that you are spending the holiday just as you do all other days................intoxicated and alone. I am thankful that you cut me loose!

I 'thought' I was doing so well but had a minor bump tonight. Cried it out. Didn't break NC. I'm going to keep keeping on. Thank you for the kind words

Day 50!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe that I have made it this far. I would still be a mess if I had continued to call and text him after he said he didn't love me 'enough'. When I think about breaking NC I imagine how it would feel to be back at Day 1...................there's no way I'm going back there. It's getting better......

Beatles Fan- I am at Day 49. It's still rough. I had to construct a list on Friday of all the negative emotions that I would feel 'if' I broke contacat. It helped.

I got a letter from the mortgage company and you wouldn't believe how much lower my payment is going to be. Remember how I used to stress about my maybe losing my house and what to do? Remember how you used to make fun of me of getting myself into such a bad position? Remember how you always rubbed it in my face how I have a finance degree yet still made an unwise home purchase so that my kids would have somewhere stable to live? Yeah- F you. You weren't a support system, you were the only one to put me down and ridicule me when you should have been supporting me and helping me look for options. I called my mom to tell her the good news. You no longer count! You never really did!

When I got divorced 10 years ago we weren't using FB, text messaging, IM'ing, emailing. We had to actually call each other and/or see each other in person for the kids. The 'itch' to contact wasn't there as much probably because it required so much more effort than it does now. These days you don't have to put any effort into sending a text, looking at FB or re-reading old emails. Technology is not the friend of the broken hearted AT ALL.

I want to get to this point SOOOOOOOOOO badly.

43 days. Still have strong urges to shoot a quick text to see if he thinks about me ever. I don't want to be with him but the rejection still stings.

Good for you that you didn't do it. Did you feel accomplished once the urge passed? That's how I feel when I can overcome the 'itch' to contact.

Day 36 I thought (or hoped) that it would be a distant memory by now but alas.........the burning is still there. I don't want to be with him or see him. I simply want to know.......do you miss me? UGGG..............:shame: