THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[JLKLEE]

Day 4

 

Feeling ok today. I have my 3rd job interview in a little bit for a media buyer at a local advertising agency. My mind is on that right now. Later tonight I am going to the UNC vs. Miami game with my mom. I did call out of work this morning though. I just didn't want to get up. My mind has been kind of funny lately. I've been working 3 jobs plus an internship but I'm more than ready for a professional job. I'm kind of putting all my eggs in one basket with this job interview. I feel very confident but you know, that is always a chance I do not get it. I feel like I need some consistency in my life, rather than going from one job to the next to the next.

 

I try to read as many threads as possible on why you should go NC. Right now, I'm doing NC hoping that he will come back but I am also trying to keep a clear head that he may not. Regardless, it is not fair to myself to hang out with someone and him reap the benefits of a relationship while I do not get the same in return. If there is any chance of us getting back together, it certainly has to be after both of us have spent some time apart to work on ourselves.

[Sara1970]

First two days were awful... day three was a little better.

Starting to think a bit more positively.

Though having no support, I do get very lonely and if I'm not careful those feelings can have me spiralling down, quickly.

 

No urges to contact him though.

Just wishes that I had other people in my life to talk to and spend time with.

[Vigilant]

Day 25

 

Day 26

 

An improvement over the past couple of days. Mornings and nights on my own she runs accross my mind briefly.

 

Came to the (healthy) realization that while she is a great person and has many qualities I admire and are attractive to me, she isn't trusting and doesn't verbally express her feelings, just shoves them way down. I may have been a little clingy, but I know that I got worse mostly because I would know something would be wrong, she would hint that it was so, and then close herself off. I never pushed her, just told her I would happily listen if she ever had anything to say. I am very comfortable around her, and also am more frank and open. Not very much so, but I can reach out when I'm struggling. She doesn't reach out to anyone; not even her sister. Which is why I'm glad she's seeing a therapist; she's been going on for many months on how she felt she needed one.

 

Needless to say, it was draining and frustrating to be in that situation when it arose. I don't want to be in a relationship where the person isn't open and honest and lets the anger and resentment fester until she is too stressed to talk about her problems and just withdraws from everything instead to relieve the stress.

 

She's still figuring a lot of things out about herself; not to say I don't have anything to learn about myself, but I've always been mature for my age, and had several significant events happen in my life that have further enhanced the effect. Everyone I knew was impressed with me and my interactions with her despite it being my first serious relationship. I don't think I was a bad boyfriend; and any things I needed to learn were minor enough to where someone with patience could tolerate me/helped me to improve.

 

She said at some point that while she was driving away after breaking up with me, she felt that she was making a big mistake. I don't necessarily agree with that because maybe we need to grow on our own and learn to love and accept ourselves and those around us. I'm not closed off to the idea of reconciliation with her, but that growth and realization needs to happen before we have a shot at a new relationship. I'm doing NC for myself; but I have to remember that in my case, it's what's currently best for the both of us to heal and go on. Who knows what the future holds; my next relationship will be a big improvement over this last one, great as it was, because I'll be an improved person who has the tools, knowledge, and drive to make it last. Who it'll be with is whoever can keep pace

[JLKLEE]

Day 5

 

For some reason I am having an easier time. I think I've started to find more confidence in myself and know that he eventually will contact me but if not, he really is making a big mistake. All my exes have said that they made a mistake for ruining things with me. I've had trouble since the break up getting past day 5 but I don't think that will be a problem this time. I don't know what is going on but I just feel so confident in myself!

[Vigilant]

Day 27

 

Amazing how writing things down helps your state of mind. I feel really chill and confident. Thinking about her a lot, but I am much more accepting of the situation and don't need to get her off my mind by trying to instill feelings of indignance, which I sometimes employ when it gets really bad, usually as a way to snap myself out of my slump. I try to make sure it's temporary and I reason that the breakup wasn't that way, but I sometimes don't stick up for myself as much as I should, so I guess I'm just refining that feature of my personality.

[forlackof]

i'm at almost 4 months. it's unbelievable how fast time pasts...

 

since the breakup i've made huge changes in my life. at times i still have urges to break nc, but i think of how far i've come all by myself and i take it minute by minute.

[dumPI]

I am at day 80 ... and still alive LOL!

[Sara1970]

Today has been hard.

I wanted to break NC, but came to eNA instead and spent a couple of hours reading through various threads.

As a result I am determined again to see this through.

[JLKLEE]

Day 6

 

This is the longest we have gone without speaking. I'm scared. I'm trying to move forward but I still want him back. I just know that he can't have all of me when I have very little of me.

[Vigilant]

Day 28 & 29

 

Well, it's interesting. I have definitely gotten better at keeping myself busy, depending on myself, finding out about my needs, etc. It's odd being the one that is in control of opening up communication; and I'm not even sure if I want to or not. I don't think I'll worry about it for now, as I'm sure I'm not fully ready yet. One of the things I need to work on as a person is to not overthink things, so I'll just let things flow. Tomorrow is day 30, I have a promising job interview to go to tomorrow, my last semester of college is about to start... life is on track as best as it can be right now.

[The walkingman]

44 Days NC!

 

I was doing good and went a week without checking her facebook for a week but I did today....goal is to make it to at least end of January without checking again. She sure does seem to use facebook a hell of a lot more since dumping me, I wonder why.

[Vigilant]

44 Days NC!

 

She sure does seem to use facebook a hell of a lot more since dumping me, I wonder why.

 

She's got to heal, too. Might be she's reaching out to get attention/support.

[Vigilant]

Day 30 and 31

 

OK, I know I didn't start posting in this thread until about day 20, but I was keeping a journal on hand before this so I've looked through all those entries annnnd... [drumroll]

 

The short answer? It gets better.

 

Is it tough to do? You bet it is. But I have never pressured her or asked her to get back in a relationship, and when that fateful day of the BU came, I was able to tell her she was of course, free to go.

 

I remember thinking when I first found out about NC and then later finding these forums a few weeks after the breakup, and thinking how inconceivable it was to be NC for 3 months. It's now coming up on 4 months, thankfully, I've been growing in leaps and bounds, and learned that there are no tricks to getting her back other than to let go and live my life to the fullest. (That isn't a real trick by the way, it's how to fix yourself and improve yourself for the next time you're in a relationship... whoever that may be.)

 

I didn't know much about love, and had some rose-tinted views of it and relationships. One of the first things I vowed to do post BU was find out as much as I could about love and relationships so that the next time I got into a relationship where I felt about the person the way I did about my ex, I would have the tools to make it last. I spent a few hours reading in the breakup and relationship section of my local Barnes and Nobles, and bought a couple of books that really stood out.

 

One of the things I learned was I depended on my ex to satisfy my needs, and that I really didn't know what those were. I am aware of what those are now, and how to satisfy them on my own and through other people. I re-learned that I have the strength to stand on my own and thrive in the face of rejection and disappointment.

 

I began being more active in hanging out with people, and going to events that I would have blown off before because I would rather have hung out with her. I now have a group that I can pretty much call up and have a good chance of being able to drop by and spend time with.

 

I've had to deal with extreme pain and loss before, so one of the things that held me back from moving forward was the fact that I knew that I would get over her and be able to move on, and she was so special that I didn't want to just write her off. However, I was able to realize when she would contact me, it would be breadcrumbs and would have a negative effect upon my psyche. So i was able to respectfully and gracefully ask her for more time before speaking again.

 

During this time I also finally began to see a couple of things that I think are of utmost importance;

 

The love that comes from romantic relationships is a wonderful thing, but it's not everything. The rose tinted glasses have been removed, but unlike some other aspects of life, it seems that my perceptions of relationships and love are really not that far off from the romanticized ideal I possessed. I also think it is important to keep a certain amount of that ideal intact, as long as it's balanced out by reason and logic.

 

After all this, I was finally able to see things from her side. I had a pretty good idea of what that was for months before the BU; but I was able to look at it from a point of view that freed myself for any blame or contribution that could have led to her decision to BU. Without going too much detail about her personal life, she is very impulsive and emotionally driven, and shows signs of depression. She doesn't believe she deserves to be happy, and the reason I became worried and clingy about her was partly because i was worried about her and knew something was wrong, and just wanted to be there if she needed me. She also has major trust issues, she doesn't feel like she can open up to anyone, including her family. She's a mess, basically, and I have to realize that only a very small part of the stress in her life could have possibly been created by me.

 

The ball's in my court, and for now, I don't think I'll serve it back. Not out of spite, but because there's no reason to just yet. I feel that I am ready to talk to her and I no longer hold any expectations, but I think it's best she has less to deal with for now. We still have a few months where we'll be attending the same school, and it's quite likely we'll meet each other in person. Things will go from there. She's been seeing a therapist, so I hope she's getting what she needs to get out in the open.

 

Would I consider reconciliation? Yes. Do I still love her and care for her? Of course. There will always be a part of me that does. Would I be OK without her in the long run?

 

Yeah.

 

The thing is, I've released all expectation for her and for myself- I am choosing to become enlightened and to profit from this situation as much as I can. I am reaping the benefits of my efforts, and I am doing it for myself, not with the agenda to show her later.

 

Love and love well, because it's too wonderful an emotion to be half-hearted. Love yourself, love the ones who care about you, and invest in the things you love to do. Invest in love in the right ways, and love will invest in you.

 

Thanks to everyone on this forum, it has been a huge help in getting me where I am now. Best of luck to all those who are healing.

[Swift]

1 Month

 

Although merely symbolic, it feels great.

 

Tomorrow's another day.

[Swift]

Sometimes I feel so lucky that we are even on speaking terms at all when i know so many don't even get that chance. At the same time I'm ashamed at how much pain Ive allowed myself because I havent enforced NC.

 

Sometimes it's just that bit more difficult.

 

For instance, I don't stay within walking distance of my ex and a car journey is half-an-hour away and whilst that's not exactly time consuming I know if I attempted to make the journey the light-switch would go on in my head at some point within those 30 mins and the car would be abruptly turned around. I've ceased with social networking and felt all the better for it, her phone number is gone from my phone and I feel free.

[hodgeheg]

Day... 4 months almost

 

I had sex with someone else woohoooooo!! *dances around* And I enjoyed it! *more dancing*

 

Just wanted to say that it does get better, so much better it's almost hard to believe where I was 4 months ago. The above was probably just a one-off but my self-confidence has grown so much and I've grown up so much that I really don't mind

 

I am happy with my life right now

[dumPI]

3 months NC yesterday!

 

getting stronger each day. she sometimes pops up in my mind though but doesn't hurt. Just wondering what's she is up to and of course thinking if she thinks about me & if there'll be a comeback someday in the future but I'm having this feeling: "I don't care ... come what may, I'll be OK anyway"

[magicman89]

Day 30 of no contact.

 

 

Had a real hard time today but really bounced back by the end of the night! Strength is coming if what happened to me today happened 2 months ago I would of been begging and pleading for sure

[Vastaux]

Ok, i'm going to stick to this posting each day deal, reading posts from people from years ago certainly helps, to see the transition from broken to well on their way, 30 days will not cure anyone but it seems to be a stepping stone to getting there! It's weird reading posts from people who were going through this while i was 2 years into my 4 1/2 year relationship, who could of predicted i'd be here now?! I hope my posts help someone in 3 years time as others have helped me.

 

Oh how i've been on day 4 so many times The good thing is it is getting easier the first few days of N/C, before saturday it was 11 days... I fell apart this morning, i had 3 dreams/nightmares in the same night it seems, each 1 about her, each 1 i awoke from... i cant remember specifics but what i have got is the gut feeling that she has found someone else, Like they say Twins know what the other is feeling or when people who are close knows when the other is in trouble even the other side of the world. thats the only way i can explain this feeling.

 

I wrote an e-mail earlier... was all up for sending it, then about 3/4 of the way through i started writeing sentences like "I know this will achieve nothing". I thought to myself well whats the point, i have kept it though, too look back on in the future. It has been a bad day but at the same time rather fulfilling, got confirmation of my move-in date to my new apartment in 1 week time, first time i'll be living on my own and not with parents, i'm also leaving town so i'm excited at the prospect of a completely new life, i can do nothing but grow from this situation.

 

Kind of rambling now, but it certainly helps to put feelings down, I know that there is light at the end of this tunnel... After 7 months i sometimes see glimpses but i know that ultimately i still have a long way to go! But that doesnt scare me anywhere near as much as it did!

[brandnewday47]

Day 26;

 

Feeling a bit down recently. I've pretty much passed a lot of the anger and bargaining stages, but the new reality of everything is a bit tough. As we have mutual friends, for the time being I've removed myself from those situations. I haven't opened up to anyone who is in that group either, and won't for a bit if ever so as not to risk anything getting back to her.

 

On a positive note, maintaining distance as much as possible has been great for helping me through this. The major break up of my life (so far) took me about five/six months to get to this stage - whereas now I am about a week shy of two months total.

 

Stay strong...

[Vastaux]

No dreams last night (Hooray)... Think my focus and the soon adventure of moving is filling up my time, it really is good to have something else to think about, i have had occasions today where she has entered my mind but i quickly resumed what i was doing, yesterday was hopefully a blip in the path to recovery!

 

I found a draw that has quite a few old xmas cards and valentines cards from her, I'm a sucker and kept things like that, i felt sad when i read a card she sent after 1 year together but i didnt break down like i once would, i dont think i'm ready to get rid of them yet, i'll just pack them up and store them away for now. A good day on the whole, Day 6 here i come!

[IRefuseToSink]

Had another dream about him last night...which made me completely sad and depressed all day today. 4 months post BU and it's still hard...but it's better than it was 4 months ago...I've still got a long way to go

[RitaTrue]

After reading the first page of this thread, I realized you're supposed to give your update after 3 months, for other's encouragement.

 

I'm about 10 days--give or take--from my second 3 months of NC (check my sig), and since Im unsure of when I'll be back here, I'll give my spiel.

 

After we broke up, for the first week, I cried. I couldnt focus at work. All I could think about was him. After that, I started focusing on why we broke up, trying to make sense of it. I realized many reasons why our relationship crashed and burned. When I saw the ways, that he was bad for me--his controlling behaviors and uncompromising attitude--I knew I was better off. My first NC was 3 months, and I was about 70% moved on.

 

Then I broke NC, which also helped me to move forward. Id suggest others to avoid breaking NC, but for me, this was an exception. I broke NC because my ex's visa was expiring, and I wanted to say a final goodbye before he left the country. When we spoke, I got my questions answered, and his words cleared a lot of my guilt. Initially, I fell back on healing, and started wondering a lot about him, but that only lasted for about 3 weeks, fortunately.

 

After that, after getting some wise words from an eNa member on letting go, I decided to do just that: let him go and decided to let him live his life without constantly somehow trying to invisibly control him with my worry. When I did that, my healing SUPER-PROPELLED. I'm now over 95% moved on.

 

My ex was the first person who I really loved. Even today, I hope he finds love. Because I love him, I'll never stop caring about him. Instead my goal is to move forward, and let us both live our own lives. In my world, ideally, we'll both still be friends. But that may or may not happen. If not, I'll have the memories, and that's fine too.

[Vastaux]

Okkkk, day 8 today... the morning of day 8 in fact and im almost close to breaking point, i can do the first week pretty much no problem and now i'm seriously waining, got the word preocessor up trying to think of things to send her... even though she didnt respond to my last e-mail a before the NC. Feeling very lost right now, i havent broke it yet... i hope i get through the day! My head is telling me there's no point and she probably either has blocked me or hates me that much she wont reply but my heart keeps sayin g"yeah but you love her so you need to tell her how you feel"... I'm trying to fight 2 things at once ha! One thing that may be in my favour is although i am writeing things to say, much like the other day my head seems to be winning at the last minute and i dont send, hopefully this trend will continue! Only 12 more hours till bed! *Sigh*

[lemonhaze]

Well I passed the 4 months of NC a couple of days ago, making very good progress lately! Something weird happened though..

 

I used to be on MSN Messenger a lot before I changed to Skype to talk to my friends. Last week I went back on MSN real quick to see if my speaking partner from Japan was online because I didn't have her on Skype yet, but she wasn't there. Today I checked again, and I suddenly get a message that my ex added me again. My first reaction was "huh?", then I just clicked it away and signed off again, didn't accept the request. If she wants to talk to me she will have to make some more effort than that. She probably just wants to be friends or something, I don't know, don't really care either.

 

To all you other people, keep it up.