THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[ohsweetlove11]

Day 3. Trying to push through.

[LTS48]

After a month of LC and one final meeting I have decided to throw my hat in here and try my best to keep track of how this feels. Most I've ever managed before was 1 week. Here's hoping to 30 days going on forever

[destiny0791]

Day 3

 

I am going through hell. I'm going to have to make an appointment with my doctor today, before I break down completely.

 

I hope this isn't a silly question but is anyone else finding it this hard?

[dolorosa]

Me too destiny, I was thinking the same, I need to see my gp and perhaps counselling

[T413]

I was finding it incredibly hard and was still devastated even though I'm seven months into my break up. I went to my GP about ten days ago. I was rather cynical about the whole thing but it has helped.

 

I'd advise you go.

[destiny0791]

Me too destiny, I was thinking the same, I need to see my gp and perhaps counselling

 

I've just come back from my appointment. My doctor was very compassionate. He gave me some tablets to calm me down and told me to call him on Monday if I'm struggling too hard at work, and he'll sign me off for a while, God bless him. So I would definitely advise it... good luck and let us know how it went. *hugs*

 

T413, good advice, and glad it's helped you... I feel a lot better for going.

[LTS48]

Day 2

 

Had an urge to text her this morning for some unknown reason. I didn't have anything to say, just wanted to text her. I didn't though so all is well. I was on fbook chatting around and her name popped up. No sinking feeling, no desire to look at her page and see what she's up to. Today will be a pretty good day

[ohsweetlove11]

Day 4

 

Having a very hard time.

 

I will admit though, it's nice not to have my phone constantly on me. We used to texted straight from 7am to 7pm (when I got off work) with about 20 calls through the day. We were totally codependant and I'm seeing that now. Pretty sure I was well on my way to cancer with how much my phone was around. ha.

 

Small victories.

[LTS48]

Boo, moment of weakness: I looked at her facebook. For some reason seeing her go on like nothing had happened hurt for a few seconds. But realistically what do I expect her to do? Sit in a ball in the corner and just miss me? I know she misses me. She looked awful in a few of her recent pictures, this gave me pleasure but I didn't dwell. Nor did I go back for a quick fix. Got a little bit stronger

[destiny0791]

Day 4

 

Feel much better today, more relaxed, although I'm not counting my chickens... hope this means I'm finally letting go now.

[dolorosa]

I just emailed him feel really bad I could not stop myself but I needed to say a few things. I am staying strong and honestly I do not think I want him back even if he comes begging, because no one should break up by text and with some excuses he probably does not even understand. At the end of day, I think he does not love me, and love is the one thing you can not force. I decided to seek help, and booked to go away for 7 weeks after my daughter finish school.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Why did you email him, Doloros?

What is that gonna accomplish?

[dolorosa]

I do not know why, he said few days ago that I sued to say I love you too much, and that i was clingy. We went to his best friend wedding in April and he said that night he realised he did not want to be with me, just because he had too much to drink and acted like an A***, I don't think any of those things he said are real, I work since I was 15, I have raised my daughter alone, have my own place, curently back at university to finish my degree, he cant have the last work to say I was clingy, when I did not even call him. I feel the need to say something, although I know it was not important for him and he will probably laugh (because I have been in his position before) I will stick to no contact and honestly i do not want him back.

[dolorosa]

He broke up with me one week after my mum died in South America, being in the Uk made impossible for me to go to the funeral, he knew how low I was, he did not even come to say what he had to say, he broke with me by text.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Okay. He's a cad.

 

But keeping in contact like that, it isn't good. It makes you look weak and needy.

 

If you have to write something, write one of those letters you never send. Then pitch it.

Or... write your thoughts here or in the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your EX" thread.

 

You have your kids to think of now. You're the "brand" image, just like you wouldn't soil you brand or family name by doing something disgusting.... Don't lower yourself by trying to reconnect with someone who doesn't want you. I know it hurts....

[dolorosa]

I know I made a mistake, and I do nto longer want to look needy because I know I am not. It does hurt, we had a whole future planned, I even decided to move to Scotland after he asked me to, so glad that he did not break up with me after, I can see clear now and need to think about my daughter and myself. Thanks for your support x

[ClarenceRutherford]

If you have to write something, write one of those letters you never send. Then pitch it.

Or... write your thoughts here or in the "Post Here Instead of Contacting Your EX" thread.

Post here instead of contacting your ex!

 

It's a good thread. A good way to vent without any real life consequences.

 

TBH, that's one reason I use this board. To vent.....

[Laylan]

52days total NC and i am still so sad. I want my life with him back!! Why can't i get over this??

 

Together 2.5yrs

Broke up because he was not ready to get married and i was (he broke up with me telling me he wants me to find what i want since he can't give it to me). We had a great relationship.

[LTS48]

Day 3

 

Started out really rough. I mean really rough. Went for a workout, went to work. Left my phone in my car and was alright during the day. I think I will keep leaving my phone in the car. I know she won't text and I tend to check it a little obsessively still.

 

Thought of nothing but writing her an email, contacting her one last time. But didn't. Feeling much better now. I guess contacting an ex is one of those things you SHOULD put off until tomorrow, even if you can do it today lol.

[destiny0791]

He broke up with me one week after my mum died in South America, being in the Uk made impossible for me to go to the funeral, he knew how low I was, he did not even come to say what he had to say, he broke with me by text.

 

dolorosa, I'm so sorry... that's unforgiveable, and utterly cowardly. What a b*****d. I hope you can look back one day and realise that having him out of your life is the best thing that could have happened to you. That's what I'm hoping for myself... but I'm nowhere near there yet.

 

Thought of nothing but writing her an email, contacting her one last time. But didn't. Feeling much better now. I guess contacting an ex is one of those things you SHOULD put off until tomorrow, even if you can do it today lol.

 

I've thought the same thing... that I'll send him another text (via skype) just telling him that I hope he's ok, and that I'm thinking of him. But thankfully the urge passes almost as soon as the thought enters my head. Hang in there.

 

Day 5

 

Went from feeling fairly relaxed yesterday morning to feeling like my brains were going to start leaking out of my ears yesterday afternoon. But no matter how bad I feel, I will NOT be contacting him. I know what he wants... he wants me there to hold his hand through his new relationship by knowing I'll be there if it fails. But I flat-out REFUSE to help him do that. He's on his own, and if it does fail and he ends up with nothing, he'll have no one to blame but himself.

[HonouredPenny]

Day 21.

 

I'm 3 weeks into some hardcore NC right here, but this is my first post on this thread. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago over the phone. It wasn't unexpected, I'd seen it coming for a while and had been feeling angry and hurt before she actually ended it, so I suppose it became a mutual thing. She said 'I want to discuss breaking up' and I launched straight into a speech about how it wasn't unexpected, I was glad she'd done it over the phone because I didn't want to see her and that I was just sad it had ended. There was a spark of anger in my voice, which I now regret, but I managed to keep it reasonably cool, calm and collected. I think I surprised her by agreeing with the break-up. She asked me what I wanted her to do with some belongings I had at her house and a sum of money she owed me. I told her to throw away the items and not to worry about the money. She said she still loved me, still cared for me and wanted to be friends. Yah-dah-yah-dah-yah-dah. I said no, I wasn't prepared to be friends with her. I think this response took her by surprise as well. She said 'ok..well I'll wait for you to get in contact with me then.'

 

Woah. What? You just broke up with me and now you're inviting contact? To this day I don't understand what was meant by that but as soon as she said it I thought 'you'll have a long wait then, because I'm going to do some hardcore NC'.

 

That's exactly what I've done. I haven't called, text, e-mailed or voice-mailed since the day of the break-up. She hasn't contacted me either. I think we've entered a battle of wills. Neither of us wants to be the first to break the silence. I found the first 2 weeks relatively easy because I was still angry with her about the break-up but also some other stuff that had gone on in the period leading up to it. However, this week I've felt myself chill out a little bit and allow other emotions to come through. I have missed her dreadfully this week and my heart has been aching. I haven't been tempted to break NC over it, but there have been times where the pain in my chest through missing her has become physical. I've tried to counter-act it by keeping busy. I finished my degree last week and got a new job too so life is moving on and becoming exciting, but I've sorely missed being able to talk to her about it. However, it's excellent for NC as my life really is moving on in every sense of the word and I have little time for moping. Hopefully, she will see/hear from other people that I'm done with my degree and I've got a new job too so she will know I'm not moping about too.

 

Today I have had a fantastic day out with a group of new friends and have been planning a BBQ party for tomorrow too. I'm loving the fact that since my relationship ended I seem to have made a multitude of new friends, and old friends I haven't seen in ages have bizarrely got back in contact too. I'd have enjoyed today's day out even more had thoughts of my ex not kept resurfacing. It's like my capacity to truly enjoy myself is shut off by this glass wall - I can only reach a certain level of enjoyment because I'm missing my ex so much. The NC thing seems to be getting harder and not easier with time which is confusing me. How could I be OK in the first 2 weeks and then start to struggle in the 3rd week?

 

I'm also wondering if NC is back-firing on me as I miss my ex, wonder what she's doing and thinking. I wonder if I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face in some respects as I'm doing all the things I hoped my ex would do! However, as I'm not using NC exclusively as a tool to get her back, I have been able to focus on my own self-development and have managed that really well so far in terms of a new job, new friends etc.

 

Today I have also been wondering how long I will do NC for. While ideally I would like to leave it for as long as it takes for her to contact me (and if she doesn't, I'll hopefully have moved on enough not to be affected by it) I do wonder if going too far with NC might harm my chances of reconciliation because she did say 'I'll wait for you to contact me.' I'm afraid I might leave it too long and miss the boat.

 

Should I take NC to 30 days and aim for 60? Or should I shoot her a text if I haven't heard from her by Day 30 just to see how she is doing?

 

Any thoughts?

 

NB: This is a same-sex relationship and she cited the 17-year age-gap as the reason for breaking up.

[destiny0791]

HonouredPenny, I've had the exact same thoughts. I know my ex still cares for me very much and wants me in his life, and I've worried that while I'm trying my hardest to move on, I'm helping him to do the same by cutting him out of my life. But you've made your feelings clear and if you're absolutely sure that friendship with your ex isn't an option and you're only interested in moving on or reconciling, then I would maintain NC. You have to stand firm and give her time to miss you. Your ex was the instigator of the breakup so if she wants you back, she will make the first move and let you know. In the meantime, my advice is to focus on yourself and your own healing. Don't contact her until you're sure you have moved on and no longer want to reconcile. If you're planning on texting her in the hopes that she has changed her mind and that isn't the case, you're going to be hurt, and you will be back to square one in the healing process. Believe me, I know how hard it is to walk away from someone you care for deeply. Try to be strong and post on here if you're struggling, we'll be here to support you.

 

I think the reason NC gets harder as time goes on is because people do it initially in the cast-iron belief that it will lead to reconciliation; unfortunately it doesn't often have the desired affect and once that realisation sets in, so do the doubts. Did I do the right thing? Is he/she missing me? Why hasn't he/she contacted me, begging to come back? What are they doing/thinking? Has he/she found someone else? As harsh as it sounds, the key to moving on is acceptance that the relationship is over, and that takes time for all of us. There is no 'quick fix', although God knows I wish there were. I wish you luck and let us know how you're getting on.

 

Day 6

 

Going to have to ask the doctor to sign me off for a couple of weeks. Hope it helps.

[HonouredPenny]

You're absolutely right Destiny. I know I'm at the stage where I'm looking for excuses to get in contact. I know I absolutely won't break NC though because I'll damage my own self-respect and the success I've had with NC so far. The longer I manage NC the more I want to preserve it because I'd be so disappointed in myself if I took myself back to square one.

 

I hope the pain I'm feeling is just a phase, a part of the healing process that is necessary but will pass eventually.

 

I'm sorry you're going through the same hell. I hope it gets easier for you too, though I must say you seem to be approaching it with the right mindset for success. Good luck at the Drs, hope he can facilitate the time you need to heal.

[ohsweetlove11]

Day 7.

 

He seems to have forgotten me.

 

i'm a mess.

[destiny0791]

You're absolutely right Destiny. I know I'm at the stage where I'm looking for excuses to get in contact. I know I absolutely won't break NC though because I'll damage my own self-respect and the success I've had with NC so far. The longer I manage NC the more I want to preserve it because I'd be so disappointed in myself if I took myself back to square one.

 

I hope the pain I'm feeling is just a phase, a part of the healing process that is necessary but will pass eventually.

 

I'm sorry you're going through the same hell. I hope it gets easier for you too, though I must say you seem to be approaching it with the right mindset for success. Good luck at the Drs, hope he can facilitate the time you need to heal.

 

Attagirl. You seem very determined and this will only strengthen you in the long run; and if it turns out the breakup is final you can then focus on re-building your life with a new relationship if and when you're ready. The most important person in this scenario is YOU, not your ex... and yes, unfortunately suffering is a necessary part of the process but it will pass, with time. My rational mind tells me he and I are over and I have to accept it and move on, but my damn heart stubbornly refuses to catch up. I'm hoping like hell a couple of weeks off work will give me the time I need to complete the process, but that's probably wishful thinking. Still, it's a start and I can't possibly imagine feeling any worse in the next couple of weeks than I have since the split.

 

Day 7.

 

He seems to have forgotten me.

 

i'm a mess.

 

I hear ya. And he hasn't forgotten you. I know how hellishly hard it is but try to maintain NC no matter what. Talk to friends, family, even your doctor if you need to. Focus on you, and you alone. It will only benefit you in the long term.