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THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2


SuperDave71
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Destiny, I have been horrible, I have never beg for anything in my life, Weekends are the worst, he should be here today I should been 3 weeks into not contact like you but I just dont seem to be doing anything right at the moment. Perhaps moving away will be the best I can do. How are you doing?

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Destiny, I have been horrible, I have never beg for anything in my life, Weekends are the worst, he should be here today I should been 3 weeks into not contact like you but I just dont seem to be doing anything right at the moment. Perhaps moving away will be the best I can do. How are you doing?

 

I'm doing ok thanks, much better than the first couple of weeks. But sweetie, trust me: I have not always been this strong and determined. It took me 2 months of going back and forth almost daily (I cringe now when I look back at how farcical it was!) before I finally found the courage to cut him off, and I still have days where I miss him so much that the pain becomes almost physical. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You've been through so much. The pain of being rejected by someone you care for so deeply is indescribable, I understand completely what you're going through. I sometimes regret cutting all the lines of communication because I would love to hear from him, and the sad thing is I know he would be really happy to hear from me too. But I refuse to be just his friend and I know that if I hadn't done it, I wouldn't have made the progress I have now.

 

What makes it easier is that we were in an LDR, so I don't have to worry about running into him and his new gf. I thank God for that at least. Do you see your ex on a regular basis, on the street, etc? Because if you do, that must make it 100x harder. Do you really think moving away is the answer though? Perhaps counselling would benefit you, did you take any steps in that direction?

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I was also in LDR, but i do believe I need counselling. I never allowed myself to be in love, this was the first time I let myself love someone and feel so pathetic after all the attemps to bring him back. I am considering counselling, moving away will be the best for my daughter, but not the best for me. I just need to give it time. Thanks for all your kindness x

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Day 4.... Today is the day I am going to pick myself up and remove you from my life. I can't be your friend, I can't go on a holiday with you in 2mths. I won't be your security blanket whilst you sort your life out. You were a good friend and I will miss you, but you are toxic for me and don't make me feel good about myself.

 

Moving on to find someone who will appreciate my kindness and not abuse it

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Bebop kudos to you for still trying!

 

Day 5

 

He initiciated contact last night. First by text message asking if I was still awake, I didn't respond so he called me. I did t respond. I felt horrible. I felt as if he needed me and I was intentionally ignoring him. It was awful, I kept thinking why would he call. Was he hurt, did his car break and he needs a ride? I just had to convince myself that it was just for small talk or something. It wasn't difficult ignoring the call, it w my mind that was thinking too much after the call. Today I just can't stop thinking about it. The day is young maybe I'll be ok later.

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spoke her best mate today, asked her if she still thought about me and the situation I put her in ( I told her to move on as I wasn't ready for a relationship, so she moved on at the same time I realised I had made a mistake by then it was too late!!!!)

 

The best mate said she had not said anything, still going to see her tonight! I want the girl back but NC ain't working then it's game over, i'll still be mates with her I'm just not going to wait for a relationship!!! better luck next time, I've learnt my lesson the hard way!!!

 

Piece of advice, Before you end it with your GF/BF ask yourself how will you feel in a couple weeks time? I wish i'd of done this, now what seemed to be a rebound is a full blown relationship which is destroying me slowly.

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Day 19

 

How the hell did I end up so attached to such a MESS of a man? And what does that say about me? I wouldn't mind but what makes it worse is that he has no prospects other than cirrhosis of the liver. What the hell is wrong with me? How did I end up like this??

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I am glad I found this because I have been trying to do the NC thing and have failed miserably. It will be a week tomorrow since we talked but I have sent an e-mail as well as messages because I am confused and don't really understand. I am getting the "its not you its me" and "you're too good for me" but he wants to stay friends.

 

I will start my Day 1 tomorrow, since I blew it this morning.

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Spoke to her tonight, she was out with him. But he'd gone home early. I asked for closure about the whole situation between the 3 of us. She couldn't give me it, she didn't know where it was going with him even though they've been official for 5 or 6 weeks now she was still having doubts. She said she was going to be honest with me and say that things were starting to annoy her about him but stopped before going into detail because she didn't want to give me any false hope.

 

She mentioned that if i started dating someone she would be extremely annoyed about it. One of her fellas mates saw us talking and the hug we shared at the end and I'l guarantee he'll find out.

 

I'm in bits I told her I couldn't even talk to a girl without thinking of her never mind go on a date with someone else. Every girl I see be it at work, driving or in town I instantly compare to her.

 

Do I need to have a chat with her telling her i'll be NC from now or do I just do it! Ive done NC over past few weeks 7 days then 5days to a good result but this was without telling her.

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We dated for about five months out of last year between May and October. We had a very intense relationship both physically and other wise. I felt myself falling in love with her but never expressed it to her openly in a direct manner. She was 54 and I'm 52. But being with her was like being on a drug. I used to wake up thinking up her, she was the main thought on my mind during the day and the last thing I though about before going to sleep at night.

 

We had several arguments during the course of our relationship. She thought that I was confrontational and defensive. I AM highly opinionated and when I make a statement I am passionate and I always back it up with fact. She on the other hand was vague in expressing herself and how she felt which irritated me a lot of times. Our communication began to regress to the point we had trouble talking to each other. Finally in October she decided to breakup with me.

 

We talked for a few days afterward and I went NC. No more contact until around the Friday after Thanksgiving. She sent me a text at work. I gave her several curt replies and actually asked her why was she contacting me. I was not in an emotional state to speak with her as I was still recovering from the breakup. She misconstrued my conversation and thought that I was angry at her which I wasn't.

 

I reconnected with her again around Christmas. She seemed receptive to having a dialogue with me and we began to talk more over the next few weeks. I alluded to us getting back together but never could get a straight answer from here but we continued to talk on a daily basis. Then in late March I got a text from here one morning to the effect of "I have been super busy lately and not alone much but I have to tell you I am interested in someone else." And the next sentence was " I know you and I are just friends but I have to tell you this in case you planned for more." I was caught completely off guard but I kept my emotions intact which really surprised her by the way she reacted.

 

I kept in contact with her for over a month later trying to talk about our relationship and why the change of heart as I though we were making progress. I found out that she had been friends with this "Nice Guy" for a few months and their relationship was changing. She claimed I never communicated to her I wanted to be more than friends this time. I talked with her over to the last part of April but kept running into a wall and being told "I am involved with someone else now."

 

So I went complete NC with her and it has been over 8 almost 9 weeks now. I feel that emotional bond we had has been broken and I feel a lot better than I did. It was tough in the beginning but I made a promise to do this for myself so I could get through the healing process. If you apply NC correctly and stick with it you CAN get over someone. I remember how tough it was in the beginning not to send that text or email especially when you are used to talking to someone on a daily basis. But you must show that you love yourself and you are the only person responsible for your happiness. Happiness comes from within, not from anyone else.

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jeepman, I know it sounds extreme and very sad... but I have had some truly disastrous relationships in my life (some that involved physical, emotional, verbal, sexual abuse) and after this latest betrayal I just feel like I can never trust another man again. Believe me, I wish I felt otherwise.

 

What's even sadder is that I have never de-valued myself or had low self-esteem but I just seem to bring out the worst in men and in turn, they bring out the worst in me. I'm finally forced to come to the conclusion that I'm better off alone indefinitely, and putting my time and effort into more worthwhile causes. There's a lot more to life than relationships... at least, that will be my mantra from now on.

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I think a lot of people feel like that at some point destiny...I sort of feel that way, but I recognise that I do want a happy and healthy relationship. I am just using this time to get myself back to being happy and healthy so that when the time comes to try with someone new, I can better facilitate that relationship.

 

I am not mistrusting of men in general, just the one that hurt me.

 

Anyhow, its been nearly a month NC. I feel like I am saying goodbye now. I was listening to "You Lost Me" sung by Christina Aguilera...and the words just fit so well. He has lost me.

 

Hey each day is different...sometimes I still feel angry, other days hurt, other times sad, other times appreciative of the break from men in general...but I know I am really letting go now, and that is empowering.

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jeepman, I know it sounds extreme and very sad... but I have had some truly disastrous relationships in my life (some that involved physical, emotional, verbal, sexual abuse) and after this latest betrayal I just feel like I can never trust another man again. Believe me, I wish I felt otherwise.

 

What's even sadder is that I have never de-valued myself or had low self-esteem but I just seem to bring out the worst in men and in turn, they bring out the worst in me. I'm finally forced to come to the conclusion that I'm better off alone indefinitely, and putting my time and effort into more worthwhile causes. There's a lot more to life than relationships... at least, that will be my mantra from now on.

 

 

 

destiny0791, I don't know exactly how you feel but I feel your pain if you have been in that many relationships but none have been happy. I don't want to sound negative but there is only one common denominator in all of your relationships.

 

Usually the people you attract to you are a subconscious reflection of you at any point in your life. I know you have VALUE but don't allow anyone to devalue you with dehumanizing behavior. There is some reason you feel you seem to bring out the worst in men. It appears there is a repeat pattern of behavior that must be addressed.

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I think a lot of people feel like that at some point destiny...I sort of feel that way, but I recognise that I do want a happy and healthy relationship. I am just using this time to get myself back to being happy and healthy so that when the time comes to try with someone new, I can better facilitate that relationship.

 

I am not mistrusting of men in general, just the one that hurt me.

 

destiny0791, I don't know exactly how you feel but I feel your pain if you have been in that many relationships but none have been happy. I don't want to sound negative but there is only one common denominator in all of your relationships.

 

Usually the people you attract to you are a subconscious reflection of you at any point in your life. I know you have VALUE but don't allow anyone to devalue you with dehumanizing behavior. There is some reason you feel you seem to bring out the worst in men. It appears there is a repeat pattern of behavior that must be addressed.

 

Thanks, guys... I appreciate your comments, and I know you mean well. But trust me when I tell you that this is a very rational decision, and I'm determined to stick to my guns on this.

 

I am very challenging, and opinionated, and I have a very strong personality. Time and time again this has proved to be a major problem for me with men. I have even tried to change myself, 'dumb myself down' if you like, for the sake of harmony between myself and my significant other, but all I have succeeded in doing is betraying myself, and making myself more unhappy for the sake of his happiness. Men aren't going to choose me over a female who's more accommodating and who they feel doesn't emasculate them, as apparently I do. I can only be who I am, I can't be someone else. Three years ago I was assaulted by my own brother, with whom I was very close. If I can't trust him, how can I trust anyone else? Paul, my ex (not his real name) was someone I felt I could trust implicitly, and look how that turned out. This latest attempt was my last chance and now I'm accepting that no relationship is going to work for me. This isn't a decision made on the spur of the moment; believe me, it has taken me years to get here. From now on, my main focus in my life is going to be me, and only me. I won't change myself any more, and I won't be anyone's second choice. All I want is peace. So that means I have to be alone.

Edited by destiny0791
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Can see what your saying destiny. I have a friend very similar, she is seriously feisty and doesn't hold back if she has something to say. I'm not going to say anyone needs to change, or that you should do this or that to have a relationship. It tends to be the case that men don't want to compete with their women. They want someone who can say no, or make it known they are not happy about something, but not at the risk of them feeling disrepected, but different guys have different thresholds. Unfortunately for me, the last guy I was involved with was weak and unable to take even the tiniest ounce of challenge.

 

So the only thing I will say is, maybe the man strong enough to accept your challenging and opinionated self will be the man for you.

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Day 7 - i give up on everything.

 

woke up this morning still crying from my dream. I dreamed that he had someone else already, but then again..thats a dream that happens every night. my heart still is thumping in my chest even as I type this now. I give up on life. I'm never going to get better and hes living his life to the fullest. You would think after a year and some change, he would at least call just to ask if I'm still breathing. How could someone who claimed they loved you be so cold? He really doesn't care anymore and now I'm finally feeling it it...i wonder if I'm still in the denial stage if I think about us being together from time to time..I'm a freaking wreck..no wonder he doesn't want me ='(

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Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic but I do believe in relationships but not when they are abusive or negative in any manner. You seem to have been through a lot of strife in your life. You have my sympathy. Sometimes you can find what you are looking for...just when you quit looking.

 

I really can't see where any normal man would be turned off by a highly opinionated woman who speaks her mind but maybe that's just me. I've always found that to be an admirable quality.

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