THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[iamanne]

I LOST COUNT but I am so much better compared to the first time I posted a reply on this thread. I have moved on and was able to get rid of the hate that I carried with me during the time I was so confused and hurting. I realized that as long as I have hate in my heart, the harder it is to forget. The more I talk about my feelings, how he failed me, how he betrayed me, the more I remember it, the more I feel bad and I am literally dragging myself down the drain. I don't hate him anymore but it doesn't mean I would welcome any form of communication. Tomorrow he's going back to Mississippi. I dunno if he would email me as I have already changed my number but I honestly wish he won't not because I am afraid it might bring back the old feeling I have for him but because I might say something that will crush his heart the way he did mine. Getting back at him by hurting him back and making him feel that he's a loser isn't my cup of tea and I don't wanna give him any reason to further justify what he did.

 

Fate only gives us one chance to make things right...

[Janeiac]

Day 20

I wonder if he will ever try to get in touch. I wonder what I would say.

I want this all behind me. I'm thinking of a bright future.

[Bobbadoo]

Day 83?

 

Wow almost 3 months of NC. She did contact me a few times but I ignored her. I feel pretty good. I'm finding happiness in being single. I do miss her and still want to talk to her but I don't think I'm ready to break my silence just yet. It does get easier to those who just started.

[anthony4]

Day 83?

 

Wow almost 3 months of NC. She did contact me a few times but I ignored her. I feel pretty good. I'm finding happiness in being single. I do miss her and still want to talk to her but I don't think I'm ready to break my silence just yet. It does get easier to those who just started.

 

I hope if mine contacts me i can be so strong. I'm only on day 16. Still fresh, and hard. Pat yerfriggin' self on the back. KUDOS!! and thanks

[Janeiac]

Day 21

It's a long road back to myself, but I'm getting there one step at a time.

[d24]

Day 21

It's a long road back to myself, but I'm getting there one step at a time.

 

I know what you mean and exactly how you feel. I lost a large part of 'me' in 'us', and I've been using NC as a way to getting back in touch with me.

 

Janeiac, you sound like a really strong woman and I know you'll find yourself again - one step at a time

 

My period of self-imposed NC comes to an end in 27 hours and I feel like a different person for it. I might contact her, I might not. Having rational thoughts back and feeling more in touch with myself and my needs is incredibly empowering

[iamanne]

Ive been waking up in the middle of the night for 3 days in a row now, crying. I dunno if this is because i am aware that today is when ex is coming home. I got an sms from him and all i felt was pure anguish. He texted as if he didnt dump me, acted as if nothing happened, as if he didnt text me last time telling me to kiss his a*s... I wanted to call him and cuss him out coz i have never done this when we were still together thinking that if i do cuss him out, it will make him realize that i want him out of my life but I decided that it will just be a waste of time. I know this isnt good but how i wish he'd stay out of my life completely. A co worker texted me last night telling me that my ofc phone had been ringing, someone has been calling me, he answered it 4x and after he said hello, the caller just hangs up. i know its him.. i dont wanna think that im back to where i was when i first posted a reply here but his presence is making me feel so crappy and stressed out and now i could not even sleep. i am hurting again like everything's just so fresh when i have been very ok for two weeks and very happy coz i know he wont find a way to call me or communicate with me while he's on the rig. I wanted to scream, i want to talk, i want to vent. this is killing me i want to feel numb.. if only i can stay at work 24/7 and just sit there work on my programs, it would be a lot better than being here sitting. lonely and wanting to break down again. his mere presence is making me sick, it ruined my day and i could not even sleep! Unhappy days ahead, 2 weeks full of sh*t but im sticking to NC, NC, NC.

[Janeiac]

iamanne, hold on tight. Do your best to push thoughts of him out of your mind. Find something to distract you-- friends, a movie, a book, maybe a new hobby? Ever try knitting? I love it!

Remember that you are beter off without a man who makes you sad.

You can do this.

[gabriella777]

I'm on day 1 of no contact at all. I would be in day 3, but the other day he decided to email me for something completely unimportant and irrelevant.

 

I take the challenge!!

 

I miss him... I was in the university library today studying. I used to go in the library, get on a computer and talk to him and not study...

Today I had to study... or waste some time on facebook looking at other people's statuses.

 

I want to find out what's been going on with him.

I'm really tempted to log in to his email address and fb to see... I want to find out whether he's been missing me or not...

[Moonchill]

day 23

Doing better... just working on my own stuff.

I'm not really going out much lately, strange enough I used to go out alot with friends when I was in a relationship. Because I was in a long distance relationship going out with friends was my way of not missing him that much. But I really don't feel like going out... I must go do it anyway because who knows, I might have fun. But to be honest I'd much rather sit at home, watch movies/series/read books.. I've got my dog to keep me company, he's so sweet when he sleeps on my lap

[mav11rick]

Looks like my wife might be moving out next month. I seem to be in similar situations as these fine folks on this forum. I'm debating whether I could even commit myself to the NC challenge. Guess I have the next few weeks to think about it.

[sunnz]

what happens if me and my ex both agree to NC for a month ? I asked him to try again with me if I give him space and prove that I change my behaviour [behaviour was acting needy for the last week before break up it made his attraction go - put off]...he said I need to do a lot to prove to him I am what he wants which includes no texts it is *stressful* for him and that I need time away from him to sort myself out...I asked how do I prove come back after a month of no contact ? and he said yep come back in a month...

 

Broken up for a month...did 2 week NC then back to texting each other then I badgered him with texts we were going to meet up but after I kept changing my mind or trying to set a date thats when he said I was hounding him and I need to give him a lot of space and sort myself out...

 

I'm currently back on NC day 9

 

By the way I have no problems with NC I am not heart broken [was the first week of break up] needy anymore...I do recover quite quickly...back to myself...it was a short [but intense] 3 month relationship so maybe that's why ?

Him telling me I need to sort myself out brought the kick to my butt and woke myself up...as I am not technically a needy person..I require my space a whole heap...aloof type person...however in the heat of the moment of not getting what I want yep I became someone I am not...not anymore though...

 

Just think it's better for myself to get a *grip* immediately or hurt myself with crap stress ...rather *wake up* now...then ruin myself over someone...

 

my question is should I really come back in a month ?? I really want him to contact me first so that I know he misses me...by contacting me first...

 

note re exes getting back: by the way for those wanting to know if exes come back...yes they do with NC...My other ex broke it off after a 10+ year relationship with kids...after a few months of NC/LC..[giving kids the phone for him to talk to] he wanted to try again [in beginning I had done the usual want him back...but stop after couple weeks] anyway after about 6 months he wanted to get back...I decided no I was over him...he tried again another 7 months and tried to be friends I said no I don't need friends have plenty and I said did not want to get back with him...he was the dumper...he regrets it to this day said to my mum...still says on the phone I'm the only one he could ever talk to...he has a gf...and I am not interested in him [been 4 years since break and I don't like him like that anymore]..I keep convo short only about kids...I really dislike talking to him because I am over him...

[ninicette]

Hi everybody !

 

I am on day 6 . Today has been really hard for me, I keep checking my phone to see if he didnt call me, or didnt send a message. everytime I receive a message from a friend, i hope it is him. I can't stop thinking of him. I feel so bad. I have the feeling that it has been months since i haven't heard his voice. 11 days ago we went for a citytrip together , we had an amazing time. I expected that he would pick up the phone and ask about me, or even only send me an sms to check if I am fine. But nothing. It hurts so much.

 

he decided to break up the relationship because he was not ready but continued to keep me in his life with lots of care, attention, warmth and nice feelings, I thought that he was reconsidering his decison ,but it was only FWB. when I knew his intentions, it was too late , I was already hurt. Now I have decided to stop it, I wish i could hate him to forget him, but i can't. All i can do is feeling down , and stressed, and upset , I cry and cry. I wonder if he is thinking of me ? if he thinks about calling me ? if he misses me ?

 

I wonder , can anyone tell me if all those feelings are going to disapear soon ? I am on day 6 and I hope things will be better. I wish to stop looking at my phone and waiting for a sign from him. I feel so desesperate ...

[iamanne]

iamanne, hold on tight. Do your best to push thoughts of him out of your mind. Find something to distract you-- friends, a movie, a book, maybe a new hobby? Ever try knitting? I love it!

Remember that you are beter off without a man who makes you sad.

You can do this.

thanks janeiac, i have talked to friends a while ago but there was one who was busy for 2 days in a row that i wasnt able to talk to and i guess i got used to being able to run to him for advice he knows how to hit my head real hard and make me realize things, i am the eldest in our fam and i look up to him as my older bro.. glad i am talking to him now, i didn't know he was going through something again with his wife who is also my good friend, they both hate my ex... lol.. they are my emotional support system and now i'm feeling a lot better, eyes open and smiling...

 

i haven't tried knitting but i did cross stitching before and i had all of em in our living room back home... just couldn't find any DMC shop here in KL where i can buy patterns and threads maybe im gonna try to go back to digital scrapbooking.. you know a website that has online tutorial for knitting? Now, I'm just looking forward to a nice Chinese New Year lunch with my officemates and a whole lot of programming... keeping real busy, i hope though the ex wont call home or talk to my mom, my mom doesnt know that weve broken up and she might give him my number.. keeping my fingers crossed..

[ClarenceRutherford]

Looks like my wife might be moving out next month. I seem to be in similar situations as these fine folks on this forum. I'm debating whether I could even commit myself to the NC challenge. Guess I have the next few weeks to think about it.

Mav11rick,

I am sorry to hear this.

Read your earlier post about the trouble your marriage is in and read your most recent post about your ultimatum to her. She's the one who had the affair and look what harm it's caused to you and your child.

 

It doesn't sound like counseling was going to help her as she's "moved on" though as you said in the post, you respect the guy she had an affair with more than her as he has returned to his spouse and is trying to rebuild his marriage, something your wife doesn't appear interested in doing (according to your posts).

 

Know that you have our support, Mav11rick.

[gradstudent88]

DAY 3

 

So I'm still hanging in there. It's not as difficult as I thought it would be. I obviously still miss him, especially at night when I'm in my apartment by myself, but I'm keeping myself busy as much as possible and trying to surround myself with people that I care about. This will probably be the longest I've gone without talking to him. Which is rough given that today would have been the 3 year anniversary of the first time we met (yes, I remember things like that). But I'm holding strong and not giving in.

[piruru]

Day 40-something.

 

All is good. I'm still getting on with my life. Recovering from illness, studying, pursuing my interests and bettering myself. NC gets easier as it goes on. It's actually a scary thought for me to contact my ex now... I'm terrified of getting rejected again. Or worse, ignored!! D: I think I may have to cross the line eventually if I ever want to talk to him again though. I've realised that if I still have these feelings about wanting to connect with him after all this time, I should probably do something about it at some point. I could possibly regret it if I don't. I'm at a strange point in my healing where I am okay with not getting back together with him. I realise that I can have a relationship with other men. In fact, I think it could be better for me. My heart still wants what it wants though. If I let it pass, I would probably get over him for good.

 

The guy I was sort of dating has gone interstate for a while so I won't be seeing him for month. At the moment, I don't have anyone else to "date" so I've started thinking about the ex more and more. On top of that, I succumbed to temptation and visited his social networking site. Lo and behold, the ex has updated his profile with a depressive heartbroken breakup song in the background. His status also said something like "I miss you so much." This is messing me up. What am I supposed to think now? If he was talking about his girlfriend, then they see each other so often that he does not need to post things like that. They even work together, for God's sake. On the other hand, he and his girlfriend are probably friends on there. If it wasn't talking about his girlfriend, then wouldn't she be upset about it? Hmm. I'm going to drive myself crazy if I keep thinking about it.

 

I think I'm almost there with my healing. I feel completely myself again but I just have some longing. It's possible that the only thing that will help me now is either getting in a relationship with the ex again or getting into a relationship with somebody new.

[anthony4]

Day 18

Job interview today

Yeah, social networking - she put up a new pic on FB, not as attractive as i used to think! and finally changed her MySpace to single.

so while snooping usually is bad, the status change encourages me to not have hope she's gonna make contact and the picture makes me feel stronger.

(it's not all about looks but i can do better in that way and more)

looks like she's aged a year in a month heh.

[iamanne]

Back to Day 1

 

I am back to DAY 1 not because i talked to the ex again. I am back to Day 1 coz eventhough I am still on NC, the feelings I had on the first day I went NC is back. I made sure Im surrounded by happy people at work.. But while we were having our company CHinese New Year lunch, my friend who just came back from Singapore transferred to our table and asked me if Im doing fine. I tried to avoid him when I saw him this morning because I knew he would ask. I never replied to his emails and SMS during the Chinese New Year holidays. I tried hard not to cry and just told him that I will talk to him after work and he said ok.... It was good that after lunch, we had a meeting and we didnt have the chance to talk anymore.... It's sad that I am not with my girl friends back home, if only they were here it would have been a lot easier for me to move on... I miss home, I miss my son, I miss my friends... At work. I am the only girl in our team, the only Filipina, all of them are Chinese, though they are very nice, I still feel alienated at times... I was thinking of spending my weekend in Singapore, go to Universal Studios, try the Megazip again ... but I know going there will only make things worse for me because that is where we planned to meet, that is where he said he will formally propose, that is where we first met... I decided to stay at work a lil longer, skipped dinner and went home.. soon as I got here in my room, I sat down on my bed and cried real hard while my son & my mom were not online yet.. I've been wanting to cry the whole day but just couldn't... I am again feeling so lonely, i started feeling different last Tuesday because I know he's coming home and he will have internet, he'd have his phone up again and might call me anytime. The idea scares me.. I am so scared of him. I am scared of being hurt. I wish he won't call me anymore. I wish he won't communicate but sometimes I think if he doesn't, I wonder how will it make me feel? is it gonna hurt me even more thinking that the guy I loved the most is busy with someone else? I dunno... The only site I have on right now is FB and ENA. I asked my officemates to email me if they need anything coz I won't go online on MSN and YM, not even on Skype (geeks I know, we don't talk at work, we talk online)... I ended up receiving more than 300 emails in just one day... they asked me why I dont wanna go online and I said I just need to finish my programs coz im already 2 days behind my sched. I cannot focus.... I feel empty, I am so confused. I am so lonely, I want to disappear. I feel like s**t right now but I'm not giving up. I know I can do this.. I believe that I do but I cannot deny the fact that I'm so broken right now..

[Helpmetoheal]

Back to day 1 ...thats all I got!

[ClarenceRutherford]

Day 18

Job interview today

Yeah, social networking - she put up a new pic on FB, not as attractive as i used to think! and finally changed her MySpace to single.

so while snooping usually is bad, the status change encourages me to not have hope she's gonna make contact and the picture makes me feel stronger.

(it's not all about looks but i can do better in that way and more)

looks like she's aged a year in a month heh.

Yeah, I did, and do, snoop too.

 

Glad there wasn't a facebook in the late 80s....

 

I searched for an hour or so one night a couple of weeks ago to find a pic of her in the box of old photos. Did find one, and it was a good one. There she was holding my hand, both of us new in love (I think we were each's first real love).

 

But only one pic. I swear I had another.

 

God, why couldn't I find more?

If only I could see some pics of her to ease my troubled mind and to remind me the things we said and did were real, not a dream.

She really did say "Let's save something for the wedding night" when I tried to caress her under her shirt...

 

She doesn't appear to be on facebook - I can't find her best friend's name on FB (a common name) - thinking I would see this former love's profile as one of her friends... And there isn't much online about this former GF. Arggh...

 

Several years ago, I read online how she'd finally married at 39 to a guy who was in his late 40s and had a child.... so am thinking she may have settled. When she turned 30, she became so judgemental and there wasn't a fault she couldn't find about me. I thought she was so picky she'd never find a guy good enough for her..

 

I've been scanning the old family pics and discarding.

I tossed a bunch of pics of past GFs years ago. Maybe it was good I did that.

Now I wish I had kept a few.

[Janeiac]

Day 22

I hate this cognitive dissonance of sometimes missing X a lot, and at the same time thinking what poor character he has.

I know I'm better off without him.

[Moonchill]

Day 24

I miss him less than before. I think about him, but it's less than before. Just have to avoid the wristband with his perfume on it.And his pictures ( although last night I could picture it in my mind).

 

After a while I will forget what he looks like... after a while I will forget his smell, his voice, his sillyness... Not completely forget but it will fade. I know it will fade. Buried away deep in my mind..

 

Sounds sad but hey, he's not dead. If I want to remind myself of him and bring back memories, I can always meet up with him in the future ( if he would like that, which I doubt). But for now, him fading away out of my mind is what I wanted. That's the reason I begun NC. It takes time and distraction.

[anthony4]

Good for you Moonchill. As odd as it may sound i could actually smell her perfume when were weren't together. The mind is a powerful thing, this has happened to me more than once. Sort of a mental replay, whatever senses reported whatever stimulation to my brain burnt in memory or something along those lines. And in day 18, some of the anger is resurfacing. Not enough to rule my day or dwell on but just right. At first i wouldn't allow the anger, but it is part of the healing.

[Moonchill]

Anthony, you are very right, anger is part of the healing. It's just a phase in which i do NOT recommend contact your ex ( I did that and I really regret it, I said some awefull things because I was so emotional). Not to lecture you by the way.. But it is so tempting to just call them or email them and spam them with how you feel and what you think at that moment.