THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[hidden_kitten]

Day 40 - Well, I have proved to myself that I can stop harrassing him and forcing him to see things my way...but it hurts that he's not even once bothered to check in with me, despite promising for years if we ever broke up "I'll always be your friend", "I still want to be a part of you life". Do all guys lie like this? I have organised lots of things to improve my life (I'm working again, learning to drive, starting another lot of night classes this month), but I wish I could share this good news with him. Now I have nobody except the shell of myself.

[piruru]

Day 24

 

Kept busy and did things for myself all day. I tried a yoga class today, and it really helped clear my mind and get it into a good state for a while.

 

I saw a guy in the city at night with a girl that I thought looked like my ex from afar. So I chased him down. It turns out he wasn't my ex. Afterwards, I was so glad and relieved that the person I saw wasn't my ex and his new girlfriend. But the thing that hit me was that I still look for him everywhere I go. I keep hoping and imagining that he is just somewhere around me. But he's not.

 

I need to face the demons. The demons that tell me that a) he will never come back, and b) that I will never even see him again. Somehow I can't bring myself to accept either of these realities. It is just too painful. I have let go of the relationship. But I don't think I've actually let go of the person.

 

You can't kill hope without becoming negative. And at the same time, being positive will keep giving me that stupid useless hope. What to do now? I don't want to keep my emotional life on hold like this.

 

I guess I need to keep focusing on the fact that the guy I'm pining for is not the same guy that I loved at the beginning. The guy I loved is dead.

 

From the outside, it really looks like I'm doing well. I know that I still have work to do though.

[Janeiac]

Day 2 of challenge on here (about 16 days in reality)

What's supposed to happen after 30 days? Why 30 days? is it arbitary? Is it because that's the generally standard amount of time it takes to break a habit? I appreciate the wisdom of avoiding wallowing in and provoking these painful emotions. Is the process its own reward?

I never did bother my ex with tons of phone calls and messages. we were together for a year and a half-- the first few months it was daily, at his place because mine was a crowded dump. Then I bought a nice, very large condo about 6 months into our relationship. I invited him to move in with me. He said he would, in October and November, but those months came and went without it happenning. He moved in unofficially, however: he had a set of keys and spent most nights here. I would ver occaisionally mention the idea of him moving in for real (and helping with expenses and maintenence and groceries!) and he would make excuses along the lines of him not wanting to have to give up any of his own furniture and stuff, and there not being enough room here for it all. I told him that when I was moving in was the perfect time to fold in our stuff together, so we could mutually decide what to get rid of and where to put things, and that if he was particularly attached to anything he could keep it, and that I would get rid of some of my stuff. Most of the furniture is junky and I don't care about it.

I know these are excuses, and the real truth is he simply didn't want to do it. I didn't push, demand, nor whine.

Slowly he began to pull away. I did not freak out, although it did make me sad. I simply stood still and let him. He would disappear back to his own place for a day or two at a time, once or twice a week. The one thing that I did get angry about was when he would tell me he was going to call or come over, and then blow me off. He did this to me on New Years Eve (last year) He got drunk with his roommates and then went to sleep, he says. I told him very sternly he must either be here when he says he will or at least call, and he did get better about that. When he called to say he wasn't coming, I didn't give him hell about it because I wanted him to at least be making those calls and not standing me up.

Things got worse in that he wasn't paying me any real attention. He'd come to my place, tear off his clothes and get into sweats, and sit in front of the TV with a beer or two, channel surfing, turning up the volume to drown me out, and generally ignoring me.

There is a lot more detail of stuff like that, the net result was me not getting enough attention and feeling disatisfied. I considered breaking up with him many times but still in the end wanted to hang on, because I ultimately wanted to keep the relationship and fix the problems. He's been trying to get me pregnant all along, and we agreed to be married if and when that would happen. Nonetheless I think he wrote the relationship off and was just going through the motions, as he said at the end, because he is a coward and was trying to make me do the heavy lifting-- as I had always done. He does have a very negative trait of being passive-aggressive. I'm glad there weren't any real screaming battles, but that passive-aggressive stuff is still really hard to take.

It all came to a head when I caught him cheating on me. I knew something was up because he started hiding his email, changing all the passwords, and sneaking around with his cell phone and texting constantly-- I mean hundreds of texts per day. Literally the phone was in his hand all the time. This was a guy who told me he hated texting, didn't have a text plan and I shouldn't text him because he has to pay for each message and he hates it anyway. He changed his phone plan so he could start texting with her. He told he suddenly texting was his new favorite form of communication. I tried to sneak into it and look at what he was doing, and he went nuts. Without having to see anything, I knew what was going on. It all came to a head over the next few days. He tried to deny that anything was going on. I confronted him with details of what I knew, and what I did at one point see in his message headers, and what I'd overheard him say on the phone. He was telling this woman he loves here. He was saying "kisses" into the phone. He said he wasn't in the mood to celebrate any holidays-- we planned on movies and Chinese food for Christmas -- then I heard him on the phone telling her SHE was his Christmas and New Year all together He didn't want to celebrate otherwise. He emailed her "I love love love you." and "You are an exciting woman" and "I spend a lot of time looking at your pictures" "You are a beautiful, beautiful person." "I wish you were near me" "I want to take care of you when you are sick" and on and on like that.

Yes, I snooped and I'm not sorry for it. I have a right to know what's going on. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Not that people should be sitting around checking each other's email all the time, but that it should be ok if someone has a moment of insecurity and this makes him or her feel better. I do mean once in a while. I've had it done to me and I didn't mind one bit, it gave me a chance to reassure the guy that he had nothing to fear, and he felt ok afterwards and that guy and I went on happily. We broke up later for entirely different reasons long ago.

This became, for him, something to be angry at me for. I told him I thought it should be ok, clearly he was hiding. He said what he was doing was ok, it was just a game, a toy, a fantasy, and if I dropped my objections he would work on ou relationship. That's nonsensical, and I refused but somehow he imagined I agreed.

Finally some more "I love you I'm so in love with you I want to talk to you messages" came up on his phone that I saw when I was trying to load some ringtones I'd created for him. He accused me of doing the ringtones so I could deliberately snoop, but I hadn't. However, his extreme paranoia about it told me he really was lying. For a moment he'd made me believe nothing was going on, but that tore it. I stormed into the living room, handed him his phone, told him what I saw, told him we are done, demanded my keys back, gathered a bunch of his clothes and threw them on the chair near the door and told him to get out of my home. I told him I was sending a message to the woman. He saw me getting on Facebook to do so. I wrote her: I just broke up with X because of what he is doing with you. I sent a text to her phone that said the same. No more than that-- but he went NUTS and called me a "douchebag" saying I was going screw things up for her. She is married! He was worried that *I* was going to cause trouble with her husband! Um, excuse me, WHAT ABOUT WHAT *YOU* ARE DOING??? Talk about douchiness! This drama is not normal for me. I normally do not yell or freak out, but that really made me lose it.

He said he wanted to talk and I told him to bring the stuff to the car. He said it was too much to take at once. He wanted to talk about it. I told him go back and forth, he could use my Jeep and it would all fit. He went out. I thought he was coming back in for another load and to talk, because he said he wanted to talk (FINALLY!) but he took off instead. Later he called me wanting to talk. It went back and forth a little bit until I told him ok, come over and talk.

He was extremely worried and proctective of this woman. He blocked me on Facebook immediately, as if I might somehow go after her. He knows me well enough to understand I am not vindictive and crazy, that accusation hurt. The Facebook blocking really floored me-- our realtionship was all over it, as a couple, lots of pictures. It's both our main way of staying in touch with far flung lifelong friends. It made it look like suddennly I'm a crazy stalker pain in the neck who was bothering him on Facebook. NOT TRUE! But I told him I had no interest in her, I just wanted her to understand the secret was out and that she had caused a lot of damage. Later soul searching showed me I hoped she'd fear for her own marriage and leave my boyfriend alone. He and I had enough to deal with without hime feeling like he had someone wonderful waiting for him iif he could only just get away from me.

He came over here saying the words: I want to rescue our relationship. I went a little crazy begging him to unblock me on Facebook-- I found it publicly embarassing. He'd already taken his laptop home and refused to go online using my computer because I might then do some kind of trick to steal his password. I told him he could change it again later if he really believed that, and I wasn't doing that anyway, and I had no way to do that, but he wouldn't budge. He promised he'd unblock me when he got home to his own computer. I offerred to drive him over to get it right then, he lives literally five minutes away. He refused. That, in hindsight, was more excuses. He was worried about the other woman.

We spent the night together, and the next day, exhausted, not fighting, fairly calm. I told him I regrettied throwing him out but that I hadn't believed he truly wanted to rescue our relationship, and that I was thrilled he truly did. I offerred him the keys back but he wouldn't take them. I did not push. We made love.

I cried relief in in arms and told him I loved him. He said he loved me. We were going to wrok things out. It was tough, but it was going to be ok. We had a nice walk in the snow with my puppy. We hung out all day. At one point he asked me if I was going to allow hime to speak to the woman. I told him, no, that was the the whole point. She didn't contact him all day. I told him she wouldn't if she had half a brain, she knows we are having a crisis. If she was a decent person she'd leave us alone.

Apparanty she's not a decent person. I don't know her thoghts or what she said, but at 7 p.m she finally called him, and he ran out the door so he could go home and speak with her. He promised to unblock me on Facebook. The were on the phone for hours. I went to bed. He'd left me a message at midnight which I didn't get saying he had a couple of questions. I'm pretty sure the questions were on the technical details of how I'd gotten the information, since he was to careful in trying to hide he wanted to know how I did it. At 4 a.m. I woke up, not having heard from him. I called him-- this was URGENT! Do we have a relationship??? You have a standing promise to call me when you say you willl! He wouldn't talk, said he was sleeping and tired and would call me in the moning. In the morning I found the message about having questions, but no other calls. He finally called around 2. p.m. and said: I don't know what to say to you. I jsut don't know what to say. I think we should cool it. I'm sorry it ended this way. Is there anything I can do for you? I said. Ok. Ok. Ok. Ok. No, there is nothing.

We hung up.

Over the next few days I was really a zombie but I went through my days. I had lucnh with a very old friend who made a pass at me. I tuned him down, it was cool. It was nice catching up with him reardless (the plan to see him had been made a week or more earlier, nothing to do with the breakup and the fighting.) I noticed on Facebook he left me blocked. It still made me hurt and angry. I'd sent him a pissy text message the next day about the Facebook blocking, reminding him he'd promised-- he ignored it. I sent a nice message the next day again asking about Facebook; he ignored it. The following day I sent a really nice, calm, reasonable, and friendly email explaining my feelings about the Facebook thing, telling him I was going to change my status to "single" and that, unfortunately that was going to be broadcast to the whole world, everyone would see it, and to please let's handle that together so I can reduce my feelings of embarrassment and make it at least publicly friendly. He ignored it.

The following day I changed my Facebook status to "single" and handled the fallout-- the dozens of public comments-- alone. I thanked my friends for offering love and support and requested there be no more public discussion. He saw none of this because I remained blocked on his Facebook. His mother and sister, both of whom have a close and afectiontiate relationship with me, called me. I explained the situation and they were both beside themselves and very upset with him for treating me so shabbily.

His mother says he feels bad about having done this. I don't believe it, he feels bad that I caught him and got upset is all, but this is the outcome he wanted.

It's been a couple of weeks and I haven't heard one word. Who is doing NC to whom?

The worst thing for me is having been lied to, especially using the words, I want to rescue our relationship as a smokescreen and distraction to protect his relationship with the other woman.

What could I ever possibly want to say to him other than GO POUND SAND, YOU SLEAZEBALL! Not a good place to be. He won't call me. He doesn't want me. He may come sniffing around after things blow up with the married woman. But I don't want to be his second choice.

I'm working on letting go of my anger and not letting it dominate my thoughts.

[Janeiac]

Wow. Another punch in the gut jsut came. I have moments of calm, and even an occasional thought that, despite my anger, maybe things could possibly work out because he wasn't really doing anything with this woman, she lives far away and it was all virtual/cyber/text and it would fizzle, and he'd regret it.

Hi mom just emailed me, with all the best intentions meant to comfort me I am sure, that she is sympathetic to me and sorry and hopes she and I will remain friends, and that X is going with his buddy south to the state where the other woman lives. I don't think she was aware that the other woman lives there.

I knew it ws true that X had really been trying to clear the way to be with her, as much as I hoped it wasn't, but this makes it reality and undeniable.

Ouch.

I relied to mom that I still am fond of her and that I would continue to be her friend and help her as I have always done, but please do not give me any more news of X, he is going to be with her and I wish that I did not know that because I want to put him out of my mind, not think about it, and get it all behind me.

I'm shaking now. This sets my healing back some. It's not that I was sitting around thinking we'd come back together, but this just brings me back to the initial horror, disappointment and pain.

It's some relief to be able to vent on here. I feel to humilated and ashamed to talk to anyone I know.

[JustOneSecond]

Day 10

 

Double figures. I suppose the sharp pain of heartbreak is easing very slightly to a dull aching longing. I still cant imagine myself with anyone else.

The only chance we would have of being together again would be in about three years. When we could finally be in the same place. It's more than likely he will have moved on and found someone else by then, which hurts to think about. Hopefully by then I won't care.

It's always circumstances getting in the way.

[simplyme01]

Day 2

 

I guess I will have good days & bad. Good moments & bad. I want so bad to call him, talk to him, sleep with him again. I miss him so much. I read some of these posts, where even after 30 days it still hurts & you still miss your ex. I don't know how I will go on everyday feeling like this. It's been 8 days since the break up & 2 of NC. As much as I want to contact him, I don't think I will. I have this forum to vent & I started a journal which helps. I write to him in the journal to avoid typing an email & sending it. I just wish I knew what he was feeling. I've been spending a lot of time alone, which is sooooo scary to me. I've always gone from one relationship to the next, always, to avoid being alone. This time I am determined to take this time to take care of me & grow. I can't believe how it literally affects every single aspect of your life. I am losing weight, my sleep pattern is all screwed up. My performance on the job has absolutely been affected. I know soon I have to start getting out & being around people. The last week I've been getting comfortable (trying to) being alone. I cry when i feel the need. Sometimes I really cry & yell...pretty much yell at him. Really though, when does this hurt go away??? People on here talk about 6 mos. still hurting & missing their ex. REALLY??

[Ryankeith]

Today has been difficult. The ex contacted me while with her other 'friend'. I don't understand why she keeps doing things like that. Doesn't she know how it makes me feel, or does she really not care?

 

Anyways, I'm still trying to take things as they come and stay as positive as possible.

[ClarenceRutherford]

Today has been difficult. The ex contacted me while with her other 'friend'. I don't understand why she keeps doing things like that. Doesn't she know how it makes me feel, or does she really not care?

 

Anyways, I'm still trying to take things as they come and stay as positive as possible.

Isn't that nice when you have to meet your ex's "new" relationship?

 

Shortly after the 1+ year relationship I had with a woman crashed and died (as they always did back then), she was going to be in the city I was in and called an asked if I would like to meet her for a lunch or something. Nope. Not interested.

Actually, I was still sore and wanted to show some kind of control in the situation. I was also unemployed and had all those issues to deal with.

I had no control in her dumpring me, so why appear interested in meeting with her?

 

A couple of weeks later - it couldn't have been more than a month and then maybe 2-3 mos. at most after we ended - she calls and wanted to know if "I'd like an invitation to her wedding???' She's inviting all her other ex-boyfriends, too, you know.

 

Errr... thanks but no thanks. Didn't have to think about that one. No way. Enjoy the wedding but I'm not attending any wedding she's in unless I'm the groom.

Didn't say that but made it clear I wasn't interested in attending in any way, shape or form.

[ClarenceRutherford]

I ended up doing something that I am very embarrassed of. I went past his workplace. He wasn't there. So I gathered the dogs, drove to the ex's house and sat there for a good ten minutes, half-praying that he wouldn't come out and half-hoping that he would come out. He didn't.

 

I was glad to see his car in the drive way though... it meant that he wasn't sleeping over at this new girlfriend's. It sounds silly but it pleased me somewhat. I was also glad to know that he hadn't moved house in the month or so that we haven't seen each other. Stupid but it made me happy.

 

I've finally got his car licence written down now though, in case I ever see his car again. Pointless, I know.

You're not the only one whose done that.

The woman I referenced in the post above this one, as I for sev. months lived with her (platonically- "everything...but" sex) at her duplex, it was only natural I was so used to being at her place. Now I couldn't forget where she lived.

 

Recall after the breakup I drove by her house a time or two and maybe parked close by and watch. Didn't stay long, though.

 

Not really sure why I did that. What would I do if she saw me?

Why was I there anyway?

 

Funny how I tried to drive by her house again, years later, like 20 years later, and see what it looked like. From looking online, it looked like her and the hubby she met the last week we were dating still lived there.

After getting in my rental car, I drove out of my my on my drive to some relatives and tried to drive there by memory.

Frustratingly, I couldn't find the place!

Drove here and there and to the streets, XX St. Terr., but couldn't find it.

 

Checked later online and notice I mixed up one of the streets. Just as well. Nothing to be accomplished by revisiting such a place.

 

I see her on facebook. She knows my last name, which is easy to search online. She has never contacted me. So why should I worry about her?

What's past should remain in the past.

[perio]

UPDATE

 

I sent my ex a letter to ask about her family. She did say that she wanted to keep in touch etc. I have only sent a happy seasons note on Thanksgiving. I have been concerned about her wellbeing. I sent this note one week ago today.

 

Hello %&^*

How are things going? I am doing well. My girls, mom and I had a really nice holiday season. The girls are doing great in school and are thriving.

Since we said “goodbye”, I really took the time to process things. I had some selfish feelings that I had to sort through but then just let them go. I did have a number of more noble feelings and chose to embrace them. I believe last year was actually the single best year of my life. Although many things contributed to such a wonderful year, our time together was a significant part of it. I really want to thank you so much for sharing that time of your life with me. It’s important to me to express to you that you have done nothing wrong. I do realize how important it is for you to do things in the kindest way possible. You were as graceful and kind as anyone could have been. Thank you!

I don’t remember ever saying to you that I was “in love with you”. I do remember saying “I love you %&^$”. Sure, there was a “romantic attachment” involved. But %&^$, my love is much bigger than that. I grew to know you and truly love you as a person and you are so worthy of that love. This, in totality, is something that I had not experienced in many, many years. There was just something about you that allowed me to open up my heart and feel so alive again. That was a wonderful gift to me that no other had been able to offer. You have, in fact, changed me forever. I know now that, that part of me had not died and that I can truly love again.

%&^$, I have let that romantic attachment go. I have accepted things and I am very much at peace. I am, in fact, moving on. I do however, still love you fully, truly, as a person. You are such a unique and special woman. You remain important to me and I have had some concerns. I have wondered about your wellbeing and how your sister is doing. I have had to go through a similar trial with my father. It was tough and I’m so sorry you have to go down that same road.

Please see this note for what it is. If you still wish to “keep in touch”, a brief update would be much appreciated. I don’t wish to be intrusive. I just still care.

If you would rather not share with me, that’s OK. In any case, a simple acknowledgement that you have received this email would be a kind gesture.

Thank You %&^$

%%%%

 

Today, I get an email from here which is below.

 

Hello %%%%,

 

I have received your e-mail and just wanted to let you know I am doing great. My divorce is final, my boys are great, my sister is doing well and so is everyone else. Life is great for me now. I am still moving forward and have someone very special in my life that I am madly in love with. He treats me better than I have ever been treated and I am truly blessed.

 

Thanks for your e-mail but I am going to say "good-bye" now. I do not believe keeping in touch would be appropriate. I hope you find happiness and love in your future as I have.

 

%&^$

 

I returned this e-mail

 

%&^$

Thank you for the update. I am so happy to hear you are doing so well and that you have found happiness and the love which you so deserve. I too have found love. Happiness has never escaped me. I allowed a longstanding friendship to evolve shortly after we broke up. It just fell into place. I wouldn’t say I am madly in love but it is love, and just feels good and healthy. It was my experience with you that allowed my heart to open again. My contact with you was with her consent by the way.

I completely understand not keeping in contact and I will respect that. Should we never speak again, please know that I will forever be grateful for getting to know you. When I think of you %&^$, a smile comes to my face.

Thanks again for the update. May the happiness you have found continue to grow and flourish.

 

%%%%

 

I am so much at peace now. I really am happy for her. Although I know she has a rough road ahead with her sister, I am glad to know she is still doing well. I will be cocerned for her no more.

 

I really feel good at this point.

 

I have posted this update on my thread asking for input. Should anyone wish to coment, please do so on that thread.

 

I wont be posting on the no cotact challange thread again. I have had the last tiny bit of closure now and it feels very nice.

 

Thanks and good luck to you all.

[zbel]

DAY 0

 

Together for 3 years, she is 2 weeks away from 21, I am 25. The breakup was not bitter and she blames me for taking her for granted. I was very upset when it happened, she saw me tear up fairly badly. I think she was happy to see that and then said maybe we just make it a break, I did give her a fair amount of space and I also wrote her a lovely letter. 2 weeks later, break turned into breakup.

 

I have ignored the no contact challenge somewhat for 3 months, I asked her multiple times not to call me but she always did, crying that she thought I may have met somebody else or upset at something she has seen on Facebook, I stupidly spent hours on the phone cheering her up and at the same time getting sucked back in to believing we would get back together. When she was upset she would say things like "I wish I could fast forward 6 months" and "I think I may have made a mistake by breaking up with you". I deleted her off FAcebook earlier on, but after a fun night that we shared before Christmas, she added me back, which I stupidly accepted.

 

I have been on dates with 2 different girls and things have gotten a little more serious with one extremely good looking girl, but my ex never leaves my mind. I am lucky that I am still really good with the other sex and still confident but it just doesn't help me get over her.

 

She would continue to call me every 2-5 days, and I would always respond. Over the holidays I didn't hear from her for about 2 weeks, I spoke to her this week (initiated by me), and I find out that she met a guy on her trip away and has been on a date with him. So as soon as she is happy, she disappears. Today I saw photos of the guy that she went on the date with, in her apartment from her holiday (which when she was telling me about him, said that he definitely didn't go in the apartment).

 

It has finally hit me today that we will never get back together.

 

I want to give advice to the guys out there, when your ex is upset, DON"T comfort her! Make her feel the pain like we do. All you are doing is helping them through the breakup and at the same time giving yourself hope. I wish I listened to all the people that have wrote that on this board.

 

Over the whole period we never had a fight, until a text argument today that ended awkwardly.

 

Her and all of her friends have been deleted from my facebook today and I have told her we can't be friends for now. I have now planned to go NC.

 

Her 21st next week is a dilemma for me, should I call to wish her a happy bday or not?

[simplyme01]

Day 3

 

Someone please tell me I can do this. I am struggling with a couple of things. I blocked him on my cell phone, so neither of us could contact the other. Childish? Selfish? Maybe. The main reason I did it is not so he couldn't contact me, but to make it easier for me to not contact him. This has made it easier for me, a little. I guess I'm wondering, what if he wants to contact me? Or what kind of signal am I sending him? I am the dumpee, btw. This was all done in a fight. Am I being to harsh? Was all of this done out of anger & emotions? Damn, I am so confused. He could contact me via email, but even in the last email I sent him it said do not contact me again. Soooo, I feel like I've put up every single wall possible. My struggle is, should I contact him & tell him I know things ended ugly & I'd rather it eneded a little better than it did. I want to ask him if we're really over? Is that pathetic? I realize this would set me back to day 1. But I feel things are just unsettled & I need a bit more closure. Honest thoughts, please???????

 

I am really looking for & needing some feedback & support here...please, please??

[Janeiac]

Day 3.

I don't want my ex back. Reading these boards gave me a great deal of understanding of the difference between the type of breakup that can later have the people back together and better than ever, and the fact that some people just aren't worth it.

I don't understand why I feel like I have an elephant standing on one foot on my chest. I'm know I'm better off without him, so why am I still crying?

[gez2705]

Has been a rough couple of days since day 14 thought it would be getting easier by now but no it seems to be getting harder they always say good things come to those who wait. but waiting is an absolute killer.

I thought the days of going onto plenty of fish (where we first met) and me being totally paranoid thinking she may be on and looking for someone new Had gone with day one of NC just wishful thinking the paranoia sneaks up on yoe and bites you on the arse.

Yes I really did that LOL what was I thinking.At least I was'nt begging and pleading I suppose could have been worse but not much !!!!

Went to the counceller last night why when you do anything like that

you go in thinking one thing

but come out thinking the total opposite and the problems you think you have are not your real problems at all ? LOL

Came out with a numb head so much to take in but I'll get there but will involve a lot of hard work but I'm willing to do it and come out a better person

I Miss C loads but I suppose I'm doing well and I know this is for me not her Just hope one day she will see the change but even if she do's not it will all not be in vain LOL

[Janeiac]

Dear simplyme01: You totally did the right thing blocking. It's not mean and selfish at all, it is the kindes thing possible, to minimize the pain and drama as much as possible in a painful and dramatic situation.

The guy won't give you closure, you must find it on your own. Yes, it's really over. If he wants to contact you, he will find a way--through parents, friends, email or the US Mail. It's better if you do not subject yourself to seeing his number and ID on your phone and IMs. Put it all out of your mind as best you can, think of something else, and plan your own future. He's gone. Say goodbye to him in your imagination, and let him go. You will be happier for it.

HUGS!

[Auscheer]

Day 2

This is for yesterday. I was productive and did a lot of work in the morning, and at least didn't dream of him. Then I went to stay with my friend. It is a hard time for her and I feel guilty that because I have been preoccupied with silly relationship stuff, I haven't been there for her as I should have. It was her father's funeral today.

 

Day 3

 

So far, since coming back home I have been devastated to read on FB that S must have spent the night with his new love interest. Even worse is that he hadn't payed his share of the phone bill, as the account is under my name. I sent him a message that just said ' hey, optus is overdue.' he said that he'd already paid it, and sometimes it does take a few days to go in, but it looked like I just wanted an excuse to contact him which I hate! I feel like I've just been set back to day 1, but I know I needed to remind him because he is awful with that kind of thing and they've shut my phone off before because of him. I can't stand seeing him flirt with this other girl. I can't stand knowing he's spending time with her. I can't stand that he doesn't try and talk to me when we're both online, even though he's probably talking to her. I know he'd be happy to jump into something else ... he is a relationship kind of guy. I don't think I would be able to get through the pain of seeing him fall in love with someone else. I just pray it doesn't happy, but it seems they're getting together, so I should probably prepare.

 

In a lot of pain right now, but I just need to be productive and DO OTHER THINGS than worry about what S is doing, worry about whether he loves someone else. Tonight I will try, but I need to stay home and work (one of my jobs is from home and I've noticed it makes it so much harder because there's nothing to stop me from breaking down and crying whenever i feel like it) so I think it will be a hard one to get through.

[twitchyfingers]

Breakup 40 days ago.

 

Day 11 of no contact.

 

Well, no IM/email/phone contact with the fella, but I have been continuing to torture myself by visiting his online dating profile (with myself in hidden mode, of course, so he isn't aware of it).

 

Tortured myself further tonight on the dating site by checking out profiles of women who might be his "type". Filled myself with self-loathing from comparing myself (unfavorably) to them. Moped all day instead of getting stuff done that really needed to be done.

 

Need to have the control to NOT go on that site to snoop on him.

 

Feeling really lousy at Day 11. Much worse than back when we were having email/IM contact for the first four weeks after the romance ended. Ugh. Confused.

[Janeiac]

Back to day 1.

X contacted me last night screaming and yelling at me for getting his mother all upset. His mother had contacted me repeating that she wanted to remain friends with me, and giving me news of him. I flipped out and unloaded. She turned it around and went crying to X that I was harrassing her! X and I had a series of ugly exchanges via text and phone. I ultimately hung up on him and resolved to get back on track with NC and nonchalance. I didn't pick up the phone even though he tried to call me about 10 times, and I ended it with a final message wishing him well with his new love. I wish I hadn't responded to any of it-- truly NC would have been to just let all of it slide, even his mother, but I lost sight of it. I can't undo the past, I can only start again right now.

Somebody please tell me about the benefit of the 30 days, apart from the obvious of not having this kind of fight.

WHat am I missing?

Superdave, you said there was a surpise in store. Please, tell me about it. I swear it won't ruin the surprise for me. Just a little hint, please?

[twitchyfingers]

Day 12 of no contact

Day 01 of no online snooping

 

Some new rules for myself:

 

1) No peeking at his online dating profile. There is nothing to be learned there. Let it go.

2) Feel whatever feelings come up without judging them. Just acknowledge the feelings, and keep on truckin'.

3) When pessimistic thoughts come up, try to counteract them with positive ones.

 

"Because he rejected me, I must be unlovable."

Counteract with: ---> "Other people already DO love me, and I've had boyfriends in the past who really loved me. There will be another, when the time is right."

 

"The other guys I've communicated with since the breakup just aren't as great. There's no one as exciting as him out there."

Counteract with: --> "This guy came out of the blue, after only a short time with my profile online. If HE exists, and showed up so quickly, there must be other, better-for-me guys are out there, too. The right guy will show up when the circumstance is right."

 

4) Try to be lighter in thoughts -- work on seeing the humor in the situation (there was some really absurd stuff to it).

[piruru]

You're not the only one whose done that.

 

Hehe your post made me feel so much better about driving to the ex's house for no reason lol. I felt so pathetic doing it but glad to know that I'm not the only one hehe. I don't know why we bother lol, so pointless. What do we expect?!

Nothing to be accomplished by revisiting such a place.

Exactly. There really is nothing gained from revisiting those places. It just makes you feel worse.

 

Day 25?

I don't really remember what day I'm on anymore. Too busy with real life so I had no time to post on ENA yesterday. I spent the day productively. The times where I think about the ex, talk about the ex to others and feel crappy about myself are slowly getting less and less. My hatred and anger is also slowly diminishing.

 

I went on a date with the guy I mentioned before again. Glad to know we have similar tastes in movies, unlike my ex. Unfortunately new guy is not as attractive to me as the ex but he treats me a loooooooot better. I still pine after the ex. Anyhow I've realised that I shouldn't use guys as an emotional band-aid anymore and need to let myself heal first. Friends only for now.

 

My mother also saw a psychic recently though and she just happened to ask for me as well. According to the psychic, my romance with the ex isn't completely over yet. I am going to meet him again at some stage at a bar or something and may rekindle our relationship.

 

Great. Now I have this stupid hope again. FML.

 

Day 26

 

Dreamt about the ex. Woke up, realised it was all a dream so I went back to sleep to continue the dream. Yeah, the hope is still going strong, dammit. In the dream, we were kissing and cuddling like old times... I found that I missed his (crappy) kisses and that during my time away, I had developed an appreciation for them. Lol. Talk about fantasy.

 

I miss the ex. I'm not going to lie to myself. I know there's other guys around but I really like certain things about my ex too much to give him up right now. He's the best catch in general that I've seen so far so I have trouble letting go of my hope of getting back together.

 

In the meantime, I'm moving on with my life. There's lots of things to do. I'm not going to contact him after the NC challenge is over... I have too much pride and self respect now. Not going to beg when I'm unwanted. If he really wants something to do with me, I will know. I don't need to work for it.

 

If he never contacts me, I will be okay. His choice and his loss. I am going to delete him off facebook at some stage... I guess I am just waiting until I fully understand that he's never going to contact me again and he never wants anything to do with me ever again.

 

Also I'm content that the hoe he's dating is nowhere near as good as me so I don't feel bad that I've been replaced anymore. It's an inferior good afterall. I'm too good to be that easily replaced and I KNOW that so I don't really care anymore.

 

26 days in and I'm so much better now. Not completely healed but I can cope with life now. I've become mostly happy again. Thanks for the challenge

[Janeiac]

Day 0. I absolutely had to apologize to X. Regardless of his angry and mean words, that does not give me leave to lose my own temper, and lose it I did. I was truly relieved that it went as I hoped-- that he would not pick up his phone and I could simply leave him a message, because, the situation is a tinderbox ready to explode, and if he'd said anything to me at all I might have forgotten all about what I wanted to say and had another pointless, angy, emotional, exchange. I left a nice, sincere apology without making excuses and wishing him well. This was the right thing to do, I feel much better now. IT wasn't really true NC for me before anyway, even though it had been defacto nealy 3 weeks, because he was doing NC to me-- although I don't know why, because we parted fairly civilly without drama. But I'm not wasting any time wondering about it, it is well and truly behind me with my having spoken my mind without interruption. And I was able to leave it on a much friendlier not than our previous last exchange.

Day one tomorrow. Here comes my future.

[d24]

I'm taking this challenge for 21 days, my wife says she needs time and space to decide what she wants, and I need to protect myself from being used emotionally while she makes her decision - plus i seriously need to reconsider if I want to be with someone who can break my heart like this when I've done nothing to deserve it.

 

NC decision came about because it went really wrong today. After 9days of my moving out I couldn't take it any more and called and I told her I needed an decision on whether she wanted to try to make this work. 9 days was unreasonable in my mind - you either want to try to make it work or you don't. She got extremely stressed out and started yelling and screaming that I was putting too much pressure on her, she said 9 days wasn't enough time. We fought and she said some angry things and hung up on me. I remember she said in the past she wished I would drive to her when she hungup on me, because she usually needed a hug and needed to know that i care. so this time i went to her and I knocked but there was no answer... so I used my keys to get in because the lights were off and I was worried where she could be.

 

she wasn't very happy i just came in like that. I gave her some space to compose herself then when she came to me I gave her the hug she needed. She thanked me, but told me how angry she was that I just let myself in. I understand why, but it's my house even if it's currently her space.

 

Long story short she asked for more time, and I said I could only do that through do absolute NC and only if she would do the same, and hopefully that would give her the time and space to either grow into herself, realise what she's missing, or move on. It should also give me the same possibility. I asked her to block me on facebook, remove my number from her phone, etc etc... it took a lot of convincing because she feels she needs me to be her friend right now, but i told her i can't offer that to her right now. 21days we decided on, and on the 21st day I's go over and see her, and we'd discuss what we want to do then.

 

so day 0. 504hrs to go

[simplyme01]

Day 1

 

Back to day one for me. It was me. Unblocked him. Said what I had to say. Not very nice, but I felt I had to do it. I honestly feel now like there is nothing more I can say. I don't think I will hear from him again either. I think we have both lost so much respect for each other, me for how he has treated me & he for how I get crazy & lash out. I really feel like it's out of my system now. I even told him this is for the better, that I no longer want to be with him. In a way now I feel like it is more mutual. I only wish it wasn't ending on a real ugly note like it is. I'm hoping NC and moving on will be a little easier this time around.

 

Janeiac...thank you so much for your feedback

[Auscheer]

Day 4

Okay, well last night he made contact (well after I had to message him about the phone bill) and it's not part of my contract with myself to completely ignore any contact from him, just not to initate and not to get emotional or talk too long. So I replied to questions of how I was then said I had to go. I posted something on Facebook and he commented on it. It didn't really deserve a response and I knew as soon as I responded that I shouldn't have. But he initiated it, and what's done is done.

 

No contact today, and I have been pretty good. Went to the doctor to start back on antidepressants/anxiety and setting up some councelling sessions. I have actually just felt more anxious than sad or longing today, I am working late so I will hopefully even be a bit tired when I come home, and might even be able to get to sleep without worrying/checking his page/crying too much. I have been alone for all of it but aside from the anxiety this is the calmest and happiest I've been since we broke up. I think the fact that he contacted me first for the first time ever - twice in one night - has made me feel a bit better. Like we could maybe have a decent friendship if nothing else in the future because I know it's not entirely one sided. But that's obviously weighing a lot on stupid chat messages. But still. I'm a bit more at ease (I know, it didn't come from anything I did to better myself ... but I did actually delete the fake facebook account I was using to keep tabs on his current love interest and have been trying to be positive and not crazy, so that could contribute as well!).

[Janeiac]

Day 1. Phooey, who needs him? I don't like the way he made me feel. I'm better off without him. Why should I waste any time at all trying to get in touch with him? I have nothing more to say after "goodbye."