Ryankeith

I'm missing you so much baby. I scrolled through a lot of our old pictures together and broke down. I know this wasn't a smart thing to do but I can't help it. Atleast that way I still get to see you. I wish you would stop being so cold. It's me. You've known me for seven years. Why do you treat me this way? Idk if i'll ever get over you. I'm hurting so bad and you are the only person I want to talk to about it to make me feel better, but you're not there. You not there for me when I need you. I would never do that to you. If you ever needed anything I would be there for you. I would not leave you out in the cold and say you're on your own.

I am really struggling right now. I want to talk to you SO badly right now. I know that I shouldn't and that's why I'm posting on here instead. My favorite time of day is when I'm sleeping. I don't feel terrible then and I mostly dream about you and it's the only time that we are happy together. I wish my dreams would turn into reality. I miss you. I love you. I hope you are ok.

I miss you....i broke and texted you earlier but you didn't respond. So I guess that's why I shouldn't of tried to contact you. Ouch. I really hope your school is going well and maybe one day you will change your mind about me. I know mine won't ever change about you. I will always love you and there will always be a very special place in my heart for you.

I am missing you now more than ever! I never in a million years thought things would be this way between us. You told me you loved me. So why are you doing this to me? I wish so badly you would come back to me. I know we could figure this out and make things ok between us. Wherever you are tonight, I hope you are safe and I hope you are happy. ily

Day 3 It has been difficult without talking to her these last few days. I've already broke and texted her this morning. Thankfully she is stronger than I. Ironically, I've always secretly admired the strength she has. She knows that it will be hard for her too, but must do it because its whats best. She said that we have been thinking short term a lot lately and she wants to do whats best in the long run. She wants to always keep me in her life because we are 'best friends' and we need a few months to get over our romantic emotions for one another so that they do not interfere with our friendship that has the possibility of lasting a lifetime. I have mixed emotions of this. Although there is some relief in knowing that she does care about me enough to STILL want me in her life, it hurts because she doesn't want me to be the one to most intimately share it with her. I don't know if I will be able to handle somewhere down the road when she finds someone else and is dating that person, but its ok because her and I are close 'friends'. I also brought up the point of her future BF's having issues with us being friends after we dated for 4 years, lost our virginity to one another, was each others first loves, etc. I don't want to go through hell to remain in her life only to be dropped later when it's not cool with someone else. She swore up and down that it wasn't the case and she would never let another person dictate who she can and cannot be friends with. IDK. I know that I am rambling but it feels good to atleast be able to release some frustration and vent on here. There is a strange comfort in knowing that I am not the only person in the world that is experiencing such terrible pain, that others have trudged through the shadows and made it back into the light. Thanks to everyone who has read anything I've posted and offered any support. I sincerely appreciate it!

Today has been difficult. The ex contacted me while with her other 'friend'. I don't understand why she keeps doing things like that. Doesn't she know how it makes me feel, or does she really not care? Anyways, I'm still trying to take things as they come and stay as positive as possible.

Trying to take things one day at a time as usual. I don't know why I post on here because me and the ex communicate daily, so I really suck at NC. Even though I am accepting a little bit more every day that we aren't going to be together, there is something inside me that won't allow myself to completely let go of her (not talking at all). I have felt better the last couple of days which has been great. Every time I wonder where she is or what she is doing, I tell myself that it doesn't matter because I am only in control of what I do. I can only feel what I feel and can only take responsibility for my actions. If she wants to be with someone other than me then that is her decision and there is nothing I can do about it. I think I struggled so much at the beginning because I wanted so bad to make her understand how I felt, or make her love me, or want to spend time with me. I have realized that I cannot force someone to feel anything towards me. And to even take it a step further, I should not hold it against her if her feelings have changed because she cannot help that either. The way she treats/talks to me is another story, but I honestly feel in my heart that she would not intentionally hurt me and that if she ever does it is because she could not help it. Our beautiful relationship together has ran its course and I've learned so much from it. For this I will always be greatful and would not trade our time together for anything! I hope she finds happiness somehow and knows that I will always love her and have a VERY special place for her in my heart. Not being optimistic but realistic here, I don't know what the future holds for me or for the two of us. For all I know we could be soul mates and if we are meant to be together somewhere down the road it will happen. It feels amazing to atleast let go of the responsibility of our relationship failing at this point. I hope we can both find peace and happiness once again whether it be together or apart.

Piruru, Sorry to hear that you lost your 'Epic' post, I would love to have read it Thank you for the words of encouragement. Sometimes I think I know what I have to do but for some reason I am too weak. I wish so badly that I could fast forward this portion of my life and go straight to the part where I can hopefully be a complete and happy person once again (even if it is by myself). I think one of the worst feelings is that I am at home alone feeling awful, while she is probably out there living her life and having fun like nothing even happened. If makes me feel like I'm strange for being so hurt when she clearly is not. I know there are other jobs/opportunities out there for me, but this one was pouring salt onto an open wound. Just another thing to worry about or feel negative about. I honestly hope that through all of this I do not develop into a negative/bitter person. I don't want to have a negative outlook on life. I already feel as if I can trust no one ever again after being so horribly betrayed by the Ex. It may be taking awhile, but I can feel myself slowly beginning to accept things for the way they are now. No more sitting in bed wishing/hoping that things would magically work out between us. I've developed this mentality, if it is supposed to be it will be. If it's not meant to be, then moving on will be for the better. I have also began training my mind so that it's almost second nature that if she appears in my mind I do whatever it takes to force myself to think of something else. I have also completely cut out all secular music for 21 days and to be honest it has been very good. I didn't really realize how much any depressing type of music affected my mood. It has been great.

Piruru, I am so happy that you are finally overcoming your sorrows and are on your way to becoming a better person! It gives me hope that I too someday will be able to make changes and become a happy person once again. Two days ago, the ex and I had another argument and it ended with her saying that she seriously doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. It really hurt to hear her say that. She is the only friend I have right now so losing her completely is difficult as it leaves me with no one to talk to about my problems. On top of that, a job I have been trying really hard to get, that was located out of state, was officially denied to me last night. Yesterday was extremely hard in that I lost my love again, and didn't get the job I really wanted. Life seems so unfair sometimes. It feels like everything is going against me and nothing I do will swing in my favor. I pray that this is only temporary and that something else will present itself to me. I'm trying to take things one day at a time, because if I think about my future as a whole, it seems so overwhelming and I become severely anxious. I know there is something better for me out there.

This is one thing I am trying to wrap my mind around. She will say that she is moving on, doesn't want to talk to me, etc. But then she acts the complete opposite by talking to me. She is the one who initiates a lot of the contact between us. I don't understand this. Is she just playing games? Does she really care about me more than what she is showing? What purpose could she have for acting this way?

I've come to terms with the fact that I am incapable of NC. The harder I try to stay strong, the more I fail miserably it seems. Even when I am incredibly hurt, I always end up taking her calls or responding to her texts because I will always have a soft place for her in my heart. It is extremely difficult to try and move on from someone when that's the last thing in the world you want to do. I can't imagine my life without her in it in some capacity. I need to stay away from sad music. If I hear one love song it immediately hurls me into a depressed mood. I try to avoid it as much as possible but sometimes I can't. Oh well. NYE was especially difficult for me. I went out with some friends and had a good time, but I must admit images of her continually flooded my mind, and at midnight I wanted so desperately for her to be there so I could kiss her. This is the first New Years in the past 7 years that I have not spent with her. Luckily my friends kept me from making a horribly stupid phone call late last night. I texted her at about 3 am and she never responded. She had just been texting my friend so I though I would wish her a Happy New Years. We spoke today and she said she went to sleep really early and didn't get my text. Lie. She didn't know I was with a mutual friend of ours who she was talking to pretty late last night. That STUNG. I couldn't help but imagine who she was with or what she was doing last night. I think one of the worst parts is that I am so incredibly hurt, and she is able to carry on like I never even existed. She keeps saying that she is moving on and I should do the same. I reply with, "it's easy to move on when you already have someone with you." She already has this other guy, so everything is not that bad it seems for her. It is devastating for me because I am spending night after night cooped up in my room with all the lingering memories of the past 7 years. I know I'm still young (21 yo) but it feels like I will never meet anyone quite like her ever again. I can't even envision myself being with someone else. It feels like I would be betraying her and my own emotions by doing so. I am so messed up. I am so broken and I have no idea of how to put myself back together.

Wow, I can totally relate to this. I have felt so strongly that what I have experienced with this love of mine will always and forever escape my grasp. I will never me complete again. I must admit that I have been avoiding posting here lately. So much can happen in such a short amount of time. I have felt embarrassed and betrayed all over again by this beautiful young girl. I allow my affections for her to overwhelm me and cloud my judgement time and time again. Will I ever learn? I don't know, but I pray to God that he can help me make some sense of what has been happening to me. I broke NC when she called and asked to meet up with me. I agreed. BIG MISTAKE! We drank coffee and talked for awhile, and afterwards went and shared a nice lunch together. She was being VERY loving towards me during this entire time. We reminisced for awhile and laughed. It was great. She began to tell me she loved me and we held hands and kissed repeatedly. I honestly felt like she had somehow changed and things would be different. I could not have been more mistaken. That very same night I found out she went to a party and became intoxicated and spent the night with the same guy AGAIN. I was devastated all over again. How could a person knowingly treat someone else this way? It baffles me every time I think about it. I could never do that to a person, let alone someone I 'love'. My brain will not process these actions. I fail to understand how she is capable of so carelessly breaking a heart whenever she pleases. She claimed she didn't want to drive home drunk so it was her only option to stay with him. I am completely shattered now. Every time I am still my thoughts crawl back to her side. I often find myself driving or walking around aimlessly. I'm not sure how long a person is able to withstand such horrific sorrow. It's just not fair. I love her and in return I receive heartbreak. I just don't understand.

Day 3 iwannarun and felix 29, thank you for the kind words. There is a great level of comfort knowing that some have experienced what I am now and they have made it through. I have known this girl for 7 years and dated her for 4. Part of me is still in complete shock and I find myself often saying, "this isn't happening" or "this isn't real". I want to move on and get over her because the pain I feel is beyond horrible. At the same time I don't want to get over this girl because I am still in love with her. I keep waiting for her to 'wake up' and realize that we are supposed to be together. After everyday that passes, the reality of it all sinks in just a bit more. She IS gone. She IS not coming back. I would give anything, and I mean anything, to relive one of the many perfect days that we shared together. I have never missed anyone more in my entire life than at this very moment.

Day 2 Going in reverse is even more depressing. After I contacted her early yesterday, I sent her two texts throughout the day but she never responded. I wanted to call her again this morning but decided not to. Right now I don't even miss my girlfriend, I miss my best friend who has been absent as well since she was both of these things to me. I find myself wanting to tell her all the little insignificant things we used to always talk about together. I miss being able to talk to her. I miss being able to see her beautiful face. I miss being able to touch her olive skin. I miss being able to brush her hair out of her eyes and tuck it safely behind her ears. I miss her laugh. I miss her scent. I miss her smile. I miss the joy that she used to bring to me everyday. I miss hearing her say "I love you". I miss her kindness. I miss her caring. I miss her. I'm sorry if this is really depressing sounding, but to be honest I feel pretty depressed. I will continue to trust that God has a plan for my life and will not leave me during these trials.

I broke NC today. She kept texting me over and over, so finally this morning I called her. We talked for about an hour and over the course of the conversation she reiterated several times about how much she didn't want to be with me. It hurt so badly. I asked her why she had continued to contact me so often. She replied that she wanted to let me know she was still thinking about me. Does this make sense to anyone else? Is she just trying to play games with me? I have known her for 7 years and we have dated for 4 of them. I honestly thought she would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Now she has been spending A LOT of time with another guy even though she keeps repeating that she doesn't want to be with him or have a BF in general. I'm scared that she is trying to stay in contact with me as some sort of fail safe. In case she is trying with someone new and if things don't work out between them she can fall back on me. I hate to even type that she would do such a thing, but I can't help but think it. Am I wrong here? When I ask about this other guy she immediately becomes irate saying she can't believe I keep asking about them or asking if they have slept together. I honestly don't know why I even bother because whether she is with him or not, the bottom line is that she doesn't want me anymore. I am so devastated. I can't help but always think about her or constantly look back on our pictures and videos together. I really thought she was the one. The reason I think it hurts so terribly is because I am losing the love of my life, but also my best friend for the past 7 years. I am beyond heartbroken and she acts as if everything in her life is great. I don't understand. There has to be some reason or meaning in all of this doesn't there? I can't seem to find it no matter how hard I look. The more I ask her or talk to her about it the more she pushes me away. Oh well, back to NC I go I suppose.

Day 3 She texted me goodnight again lastnight. It even more difficult to not respond. Even though I knew I should not have, I'm scared she will stop trying to talk to me at all. It does feel a little better to know that she is at least some what thinking of me. I sat for a couple hours this morning watching old videos of us together. She IS simply stunning. No words can describe what I feel inside towards her. I think that is what is making things so difficult for me. "I am coming to terms with the fact that the person I loved and missed and the person he actually is are not one and the same." Piruru, I know exactly what you mean. I want to tell there that I am in love and miss the person she was so badly. I hardly know who she has now become and don't really want that person in my life. Moving on can be so hard, no?

Day Two Two days ago our evening together ended by her yelling at me saying she never wanted to see me or speak to again right as she was leaving. In less than 24 hours she texted me goodnight and something about trying to keep warm because it was very cold outside. I desperately wanted to talk her. I wanted to hear her say she was sorry and that she didn't mean it and that she still loves me. Once I began thinking about her and her new guy spending the night together (she claims they're only 'studying') I didn't want to talk to her anymore. I wish, if only for a second, that she could be in my shoes only to understand the misery that I am in. I think somewhere inside her she stills has feelings for me but right now she is showing that she doesn't really care at all. This has truly been the most horrific experience of my life. I didn't know it was possible to hurt so badly. Every fiber of me aches from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep. What hurts the most is that even through all of the terrible things she is putting me through, I am still irrevocably and deeply in love with her. I honestly do not know what to do with myself. Any support would be more than welcome.

I am now seriously contemplating this. I find it incredibly difficult because I want to get over the terrible hurt/pain I am going through, but at the same time I don't want to get over her because I am still deeply in love. Please help.