THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[TSandullo]

BTW, I changed my sig! Quite a contrast from the last...

 

TS

[Anon333]

Around day 22, almost a month...

Feels like the last couple days have been roller coaster ups and downs...Havent been crying as much but this morning I feel really down and miss him...Again...On the weekends are his days off, and I usually had to work..SO now all I can think of is all the free time he has to be able to spend with his new girl..Them waking up and making breakfast together..I miss him especially lot today...

 

Last night I had a guy come over who helped me move. We ate dinner and watched movies. It was just a friendly date/hang out thing. We didnt even sit next to eachother on the couch and when he left we didnt even hug...Awkward...He didnt make me laugh and some of the things he said during the movie was kinda stupid. Im happy he didnt try to pull anything on me, but it made me miss my ex so much. This morning is hard and I feel like I should be healing and doing better rather than missing him this much...I still hope to hear from him, and yet every time that hope comes around I try to tell myself why it wasnt good and why I shouldnt want him....Im extra lonely feeling and just want to find someone Im attracted to and connect with.....It seems impossible....

 

I hate that he is with someone....I want to be okay with it, but I just cannot....It makes it impossible for him to think about me or miss me...When I wake up alone, I think of him and how we would have made breakfast and cuddled..If he was waking up alone he might have thought this too, instead he is waking up next to someone else, cuddling and making breakfast and not even thinking of me......will he ever come around?

[anon12]

I am going to be very mean to my ex!

 

That is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard.

 

Go no contact, focus on yourself, not on being an ass to your ex.

 

Is planning to be mean going to help yourself move on? No. Its just showing the opposite form of affection that you want to.

 

Serious, go and reflect on what your planning to do. Then dont do it.

 

Go out with friends, focus on filling your spare time with new hobbies, then just wait it out. Time heals.

[WhatSetsUs]

So last night I ended up hanging out with some friends I haven't seen since I was last home. Despite the bad mood I was in before I got there, we started drinking heavy and I ended up having a real good night (although I had a rough hangover this morning lol). I did talk to one of my friends about the situation with my ex, and it was nice to hear someone else's opinion.

 

Right now I'm feeling pretty decent about things and not feeling as low as I had been the past two days. But still, even as I am one day away from 30 days of NC, I'm still as determined to get my ex back as I was the day she broke up with me. Maybe I've missed the point of this period of NC, but I just can't lie to myself, something in me still wants to fight for her.

[bitebenot]

Since no one answered let me.

Black tight jeans... a buckle belt..... black shoes....red tight shirt...new hair style....an earring....and a brutal perfume. A louder and firm voice (dont exaggerate) Then you walk like your all alone in the world. If your ex sees you and makes a comment,just tell her your ready to go chase women and walk away. NOW thats mean !

[bitebenot]

That is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard.

 

Go no contact, focus on yourself, not on being an ass to your ex.

 

Is planning to be mean going to help yourself move on? No. Its just showing the opposite form of affection that you want to.

 

Serious, go and reflect on what your planning to do. Then dont do it.

 

Go out with friends, focus on filling your spare time with new hobbies, then just wait it out. Time heals.

 

Are you telling him to be mr nice guy when it didnt work to keep his ex ?

When he says to be mean it wasnt to abuse her in anyway. Shes torturing him,she deserves a litle return in a cunning way.Hey,she might even like it.

[Chris Knows]

Just a glimmer of hope.

 

I was NC for 4 months before I even got a word from my ex before we got back together. Stay strong.

[Animelover6764]

Just a glimmer of hope.

 

I was NC for 4 months before I even got a word from my ex before we got back together. Stay strong.

 

really that's great how exactly?!

[bitebenot]

really that's great how exactly?!

 

Simple,he was in NC and it worked ! But it doesnt always,lets be honest.

[Loxxt]

Let me tell you one thing. Counting in weeks and not days makes time just FLY by! I had to go back and find a post where I counted... I'm at day 20 already and I can hardly believe it! It's been almost three months since he left me for her. First month somewhat LC, he came by a lot to pick things up. Second month was all NC except for a break where out of no where he starting saying he was sorry for leaving and sh*t about him wanting to meet as friends and his new life plan (even though I said I wanted all or nothing). Where I'm at now, working on month 3, hasn't been the longest of NC, but in another two weeks it will be. I'm not looking fwd to next month though. It's my birthday. I hope to god he doesn't try to contact me.

 

So, I'd mentioned how my ex contacted some mutual friends who I've been spending a lot of time with (and the ex has been strictly avoiding because he thinks they're mad at him). I was with them today and I'd jokingly said how I heard that he wrote them. (This couple I know are married. The husband told me about the ex emailing them a long 2 page letter and I mentioned the above to the wife.) She said yeah he said he was sorry for ignoring them, talked about what he wants to do and asked for life advice. That's all she said and I really didn't bother to ask for more info cuz it was so predictable that he'd say those things. Not going to go into it any further because it really is predictable and I'm just ranting about how he's regressing instead of growing and becoming an independent MAN (as opposed to a half man as he's always been).

 

Back on track to what this is about... me. lol sounds self centered but this is what I should be focused on, not on my ex. I went rappelling off a bridge down 150 feet into a gorge! Was kinda scary those first few feet going over the edge but wow! What a rush!! I've always been the one to push us to do things but my ex seemed to mask his fear with annoyance. It's hard to explain. He'd act like a kid and like he didn't "feel like it" so then I'd feed that lame attitude by asking what's wrong and saying we didn't have to go. Then he'd slowly come around and get happy but if I brought it up again later he'd have another excuse not to go and act kinda pouty. Again, kinda hard to explain but now that I look back on it I fed that immature boy-like attitude and made myself feel bad like I was out of line.

 

It's funny because when he left I felt such a void. Not just being alone but feeling like I had nothing left, nothing to do with my time. I literally made my day revolve around his. I wasn't needy or whiny or anything. Just things like I'd make sure I had errands done, groceries, gas, bills w/e done on my days off so that when he was off work I'd be able to pick him up, go home and make dinner. Basically I made sure everything was done so I wouldn't have to worry that he didn't do them... then we could go relax and do whatever we wanted together. I think my problem in this relationship is that I did everything for him and us. But he never got off his @ss and did any of those things so I did them. He took advantage of that. I did mention on a few occasions how I felt like he was my child and I hated feeling that way. I hated asking him to help to do things for us (not for me, US!!). It wasn't just with things that needed to be done, it was simple things like affection, little things that showed he cared, making time for me... You know? I never felt like he put even 20% of the effort I did! ...Then he goes and leaves me for some broad he just met.

 

I know, I know... I'm better off without him. I've heard it before and I know it's true. That relationship was more of a 4 year baby sitting job. Funny because he's 3 years older than me! That's why this is so easy for me to go NC and not want to reach out and try to get him back. I've said it before... if he does come back he'll have to be someone completely different. So why waste time hoping he'll become the responsible, considerate partner I need when there are countless other people in this world who might fit the bill? People don't change unless they want to. Right now my ex doesn't see any need to because I never confronted him about those things. I highly doubt he's aware because if he was he totally took advantage of me and is the biggest jerk in the world.

 

Okie. Going to try to sleep this is giving me a migraine. I'm letting things out of my control get to me.

[TSandullo]

I went rappelling off a bridge down 150 feet into a gorge! Was kinda scary those first few feet going over the edge but wow! What a rush!!

 

Dang girl! sounds like fun! Wish I can do that some time soon! Sadly, here in London, UK finding a gorge is a wee bit difficult. I defo still wanna do that!

 

Again, kinda hard to explain but now that I look back on it I fed that immature boy-like attitude and made myself feel bad like I was out of line.

 

In my kindness and compassion, issues that my ex had to sort out herself, I took them onboard as something I could 'help' her with when all along it was hers to sort out by herself. I too made myself feel guilty and inadequate thinking that I was somewhat worthless; being unable to take care of or emotionally cater for my gal. I guess when you are bonded like that to somebody, you do feel somewhat responsible for their emotional state.

 

Hope you had a good sleep

[TSandullo]

Since no one answered let me.

Black tight jeans... a buckle belt..... black shoes....red tight shirt...new hair style....an earring....and a brutal perfume. A louder and firm voice (dont exaggerate) Then you walk like your all alone in the world. If your ex sees you and makes a comment,just tell her your ready to go chase women and walk away. NOW thats mean !

 

Hah! Thanks bite!

Tight black Jeans - Well I have nice jeans that flaunt my glutes - Check!

Buckle belt - 5 of 'em! Check!

Black shoe - new and shiny! - Check!

Red tight shirt - Erm....my next purchase...

new hair style - Erm....had a hair cut last week...looks good...so - Check!

Earring - No way, screw that. It wouldn't suit my 'style'...

Brutal perfume - Check! (Though, if this if for my ex, her olfactory system is * * * * e...)

Loud and firm voice - Already got that. Everyone in my class/dept recognises it and I am by far the most vocal and imposing speaker in the crowd - Check!

 

Walking alone in the world...Like Ken from fist of the north star Yup! Check!

 

And my ex did say something once, but rather than walking away (since I was sandwiched between friends and tables/seats in the lecture hall, I just turned away from her....until she finally left.

 

Thanks again bite. I'm getting better day by day though I do miss her and think about her at times.

 

TS

[TSandullo]

That is the most ridiculous thing i have ever heard.

 

yup, it is ridiculous.

 

Go no contact, focus on yourself, not on being an ass to your ex.

 

Yup, I am focusing on myself, doing lots for myself in fact!. And considering my NC, I still encounter her everyday in uni. So my interaction with her has to be modified to what I see fitting now.

 

If being an ass gets the results I want, then very well. Like I said, I have nothing to lose. I know for a fact that I gave a LOT in our relationship, when many men would have walked away, considering what I know of her and have experienced. So in the end, she got the better deal.

 

I think it is about time I be a bit of an ass. A wild ass who stimulates women's curiosity but cares and takes care of them.

 

Yeah....I'm an ass....a tight well formed ass if I may say so....as my ex's and her friend's eyes demonstrated earlier this week.

 

Is planning to be mean going to help yourself move on? No. Its just showing the opposite form of affection that you want to.

 

Being mean is the bonus in addition to all the other things i am doing to move on. I have no regrets at all.

 

I never bared my teeth with her in an attempt to avoid conflict. Bad bad idea. Never again. With any woman. Even you

 

Serious, go and reflect on what your planning to do. Then dont do it.

 

Reflected for years....only put into action now. And about bloody time too!. Attraction isn't a choice...

 

Go out with friends, focus on filling your spare time with new hobbies, then just wait it out. Time heals

 

yup, meeting old and new friends, getting on with work, meeting folk on ENA, taken up two new sports, learning a new language, joined gym and looking great and getting on with lots of other things. and I mean, LOTS!

 

Wahay, I'm healing alright! And having fun while doing so.

 

And looking forward to June when I finish uni, when I can finally turn my back to her and leave her life for good...unless a reconciliation is on the way. But I don't give a damn about that anymore.

 

Though I love and care for her still, she is gradually becoming more and more a blip of my past.

 

TS

[TSandullo]

Are you telling him to be mr nice guy when it didnt work to keep his ex ?

When he says to be mean it wasnt to abuse her in anyway. Shes torturing him,she deserves a litle return in a cunning way.Hey,she might even like it.

 

bitebenot did nail it there. Goes with the old adage 'Nice guys finish last'...

This is not to say 'Jerks finish first'

 

Approaching our last breakup, she was going through a difficult time, and what did I do?

-"Honey, let me help you..."

-"Sweetheart, we're in this together..."

-"Tell me what's wrong....let me help"

-"Share with me your problems....."

 

And after breaking up, weeks later what happens? She is with some fat ginger bloke that loves excessively drinking and is the opposite to myself. I doubt she is as open to him as she ever was with me....apart from her thighs perhaps...

 

Then again, kudos to him for doing somethings that I killed: Keeping up the attraction. I killed the attraction she had for me by being excessively nice.

 

I ought to have just stepped back and let her come to me if she wanted help.

I've learnt from my mistakes now and am working on them.

 

I need to strike the balance as many have mentioned here, like Loxxt says in another thread.

 

Looking back at our relationship, I avoided conflict in fear of losing her. I was such a wuss. Never again. And this is what I mean by being mean - manning up a bit more, not being abusive or anything

 

Being mean (In my books) - Avoiding her, not responding in haste, not being concerned over her private affairs, not rushing to help her, not doing things for her and going out of my way for her and more. Not being her friend.

 

Note: All the above I listed, I did when we were in a relationship .She no longer has the privilege of having the above so I am being mean by not giving it to her.

 

So, this is my indirect payback to her: Making her miss out on what I once offered her...and miss out on the new things in my life. Oh yeah baby, Papa's got a brand new bag!

 

Bite is right! "She might even like it"

 

Attraction isn't a choice. I remember, the only two times I was vocal about my dislike towards something she did, she pondered over it for days and was consequently more attracted to me as a result. Her affection went up around then.

 

And a year ago when I intiated NC (after our first breakup), her attraction for me went up again.

 

I killed it again.

 

I have learnt from my breakup with her and I am glad to have experienced it all.

 

How will I be in my next relationship? I'll keep up the attraction with spontaneity and just being a 'man ' as a man should be as well as being caring and affectionate in the right dose. The balance is what I am working on. I was more on the caring affectionate site, but now I am leaning slightly to the other side to get that balance.

 

TS

[TSandullo]

Day 10 - Getting on with work

 

I'm really excited. I'm going to meet a very old and very close friend of mine next week.

We haven't seen one another in nearly a year.

 

I am feeling very good today. I believe I have come over the rollercoaster and I am more logical in my approach now.

 

sunday today, getting on with uni work, catching up with folk on ENA, responding to comments and getting on with downloading stuff off the net. Forgot it was mother's day today and am gonna get mom a prezzy.

 

My ex is also a single mother. I do miss her and the kid. But...I won't be sending her anything today....apart from a reply to an email she sent me a week ago about a paintballing event we are organizing for our club.

 

I kept the reply 'lean', short, straight to the point and sparse from all the 'how are you','how is (her daughter) (though I miss the kid too)', 'thanks for the kind compliments about my work'....none of that.

 

I'll save my kind words for a woman who will reciprocate with her heart and body.

 

I have a lot of university work to do this week and am getting on with that. My final year project is due in a month and I look forward to getting that out of the way.

 

Then I have another 5 reports to write up. One of them in a group....with my ex...

I'm gonna keep my interaction with her work related on that, but I know we will encounter odd moments in the computer lab, where we will be sat there working...all alone...

 

My body is looking better day by day. My altered diet, workout routine and other changes have brought out great wonders in me. I am getting significant attention from different types of women on the streets and in university.

 

When on the train, I was looking at this attractive brunette a few days back, sitting with her guy and chatting to him affectionately. She was stunning. Her facial structure was like my ex's. Yummy. I kept looking at her. When my stop came, I got off. Walking past my carriage, I saw her snogging her man...her eyes locked on me....

 

Don't know what that means or why I even bothered typing that....but I got a boner then and had to stop walking on the platform for a while to let it settle before walking on and prodding folk on the stairs up.

 

It is a sunny day today and is a nice change from the cloudiness that has been around recently. Feeling upbeat.

 

Went driving yesterday and nearly killed me and my mom. Nearly crashed into a bus, nearly sideswiped a car at 50mph, revved at lights....not got licence yet. But it was damn fun! Having test after my birthday!

 

Hope you all on ENA are good and enjoy your sunday. Have a great week to follow.

 

TS

[Loxxt]

I've said it before... if he does come back he'll have to be someone completely different. So why waste time hoping he'll become the responsible, considerate partner I need when there are countless other people in this world who might fit the bill? People don't change unless they want to. Right now my ex doesn't see any need to because I never confronted him about those things. I highly doubt he's aware because if he was he totally took advantage of me and is the biggest jerk in the world.

 

I had to quote myself. I remembered him saying a week after he left me that he felt like he was losing who he was and saw that I was changing and he felt he had to change too.

 

I never told him once not to go out with the guys, not to play the drums, not to draw. I encouraged him. The only way I changed is I had to grow up and think ahead and be responsible (mainly because one of us had to He even told me he missed dating me and getting to know me. Y'know he never had one solid reason for leaving. He just wanted to saunter off and make himself look good. He even went out of his way to tell people that he was single and we decided to just split up... yet he was seeing this new girl the next day! I really don't get how people can convince themselves so well of things they made up. He's trying SO hard to make it look like we just split up and things weren't working out. I admit when we broke up I knew what was happening but I was making myself believe the "break" was best for us. I honestly didn't want to think it was over and thought that he'd come to his senses and come back so I agreed to it. I didn't try to stop it.

 

People around me are expressing their distain and disgust, but he's not listening to them. He's listening to the people who don't know what happened. The people he's spewing the "it didn't work out so we broke up, oh and here's my shiny new gf. yay!" story to people who don't know and when they're happy for him (why wouldn't they be?!) and that's all that seems to matter to him.

 

Blatant heard-headed ignorance is something that just gets to me.

 

GRR. So pissed at him. I'd pay to see him get curb stomped right now...

[1guygirl]

day 21

 

jus missing him to be honest, gawd what i would do to have him in my bed right now grrrrr would love that

 

but also know the reality would set me back

 

seems alot of us on here right now are missing our ex's ...i know it will prob pass, mabes its jus the timeframe - who knows, jus making best of it i guess

 

dont help that i look like sh*t today either

[stu1973]

Day 15

 

I feel things are getting worse. All i want is to see her, hold her, have her stay the night, and be there in the morning.

 

12 hour shift today, with 30 mins left to go, I always got excited about this time, because I'd normally go home, have half an hour to sort myself before she came round for a night in together.

 

Would do anything, anything for that tonight. It would quite literally be a dream come true.

[Loxxt]

Day 21.

 

Ex's mom contacted me again on FB, asking how I'm doing.

 

For the first couple weeks we spoke a lot about what was going on. She spoke to my ex a lot trying to figure out his motives and rationalize what he' doing. She told me she's confused and doesn't necessarily agree with what he did.

 

What to say, what to say...

[bitebenot]

Day 15

 

I feel things are getting worse. All i want is to see her, hold her, have her stay the night, and be there in the morning.

 

12 hour shift today, with 30 mins left to go, I always got excited about this time, because I'd normally go home, have half an hour to sort myself before she came round for a night in together.

 

Would do anything, anything for that tonight. It would quite literally be a dream come true.

 

You met her in december...lucky for you ! Short and sweet ! I read your story. Man, she gave you a rough ride almost from the beginning ! Can you tell me why you want her back ? Thank your good star that its over. Even if she came back (she did before) it wouldnt last. And the part that she didnt want you to perform oral sex on her lol ! (she had another bf thats the reason) Why dont you get over her and find happyness with another women ? She even told you that she didnt see a future by your side. Im sure at 99.9 % that you wont get her to return to you (and i hope for you that she wont). You cant say you were in love with her in only in 3 months ! Shes bad news...move on and you will feel better in a month or two. Dont communicate with her anymore and get rid of everything that reminds you of her. Erase her from your pc and phone. Try to find a man that would like to share his life with a women like that ! Send her an email and tell her to never be in touch with you in any way no matter what the reason is. Myself would rather spend time with an hamster instead of her !

[WhatSetsUs]

So here it is, the 30 day mark. I spent time looking back at all my past posts since coming back to this site a month ago. Here are my thoughts about my 30 days of NC.

 

First off, NC really does a lot to your mind. Seriously, as I look back over this month, I realize that I’ve learned so much about myself. My ex really let me know where my shortcomings were and I set out to find out why I did those things. And what I’ve discovered has caused me to mature in a way that I have never done before, even compared to the last time my ex and I broke up. I’ve come to terms with these issues and have really been actively working on these things so that all my relationships with people, not just my ex, can benefit. Even as I am back home for this week, I am actively trying to work on the relationship with my parents, which was another area in my life I realized I was struggling in. These changes that I've made during these 30 days are concrete, and I don’t plan on ever making those same mistakes again. The last breakup I was making changes more for my ex than for myself, but this time I'm changing so that I can be an overall better person. I’m more considerate of others, more sensitive to other people’s feelings, and a lot less critical of people as a whole. I’ve come to terms with my control issues and learned how to deal with the stress that arises when things don’t always go my way. I’m proud of how much I've grown and matured over this month and I know that regardless of whether or not I get back with my ex I will be a better person who will make some girl real happy haha.

 

That last line was rather hard to say because while I've grown and matured, I still do want my ex back more than anything. These 30 days haven’t been easy at all, and it’s mainly because I still miss my ex so much. Some days were harder than others, but even on the really good days, I still wanted my ex back. And that’s basically where I stand today. Its been especially hard these past couple of days because I'm home for spring break and I guess since the daily pace of my life has slowed down, I have all this time to think about my ex and the situation as a whole. I still remain optimistic that this chapter of my life isn’t yet closed and that a future with my ex isn’t unattainable.

 

All that being said I am glad that I did these 30 days of NC. It’s changed my perspective on me and life in general. I'm definitely happy with the growth that I've experienced and I do plan to maintain these changes. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to do NC because I feel like its time to make moves. I know I'm treading dangerous waters with this train of thought but I really cant fight the feelings that I've got for my ex. I'm gonna keep on growing, keep on maturing, and keep on thinking about everything. And for at least a little while longer, NC is still my main plan of action.

[Loxxt]

Wow, day 21 sure is interesting.

 

First his mom sends me a facebook message asking how I'm doing... Just now as I was rockin out listening to music on my way home and guess who texts me... THE EX.

 

His message, "I know you may be busy. But can I talk quick?"

 

LOLS. Nope! Thank you for comin' out though. Hehe.

 

Going for my run. Aiming for at least 4.5km today. Just hope he doesn't call/txt again cuz I use my phone for a running app/music.

[bitebenot]

Wow, day 21 sure is interesting.

 

First his mom sends me a facebook message asking how I'm doing... Just now as I was rockin out listening to music on my way home and guess who texts me... THE EX.

 

His message, "I know you may be busy. But can I talk quick?"

 

LOLS. Nope! Thank you for comin' out though. Hehe.

 

Going for my run. Aiming for at least 4.5km today. Just hope he doesn't call/txt again cuz I use my phone for a running app/music.

 

Excellent ! Now whos in charge huh ? lol

[Saudade]

day 10 for me....

 

My bf and I broke up 10 days ago. The day he broke up with me I asked him for NC. I was angry and hurt. And he is actually accomplishing it. =(So I am though. Sometimes I want so badly to contact him but then I call one of my girlfriends and they help me to get back my will power.

 

Its not easy. I wonder if he doesnt miss me. If he doesnt wonder how I am doing.

Its like he never cared. And I really thought he loved me and so my friends. Everybody is chocked he did that.

 

Well, I hope I keep up with my NC challenge.

[bitebenot]

day 10 for me....

 

My bf and I broke up 10 days ago. The day he broke up with me I asked him for NC. I was angry and hurt. And he is actually accomplishing it. =(So I am though. Sometimes I want so badly to contact him but then I call one of my girlfriends and they help me to get back my will power.

 

Its not easy. I wonder if he doesnt miss me. If he doesnt wonder how I am doing.

Its like he never cared. And I really thought he loved me and so my friends. Everybody is chocked he did that.

 

Well, I hope I keep up with my NC challenge.

 

You wont achieve anything by calling him. Let him do that no matter how long it takes. Could be months or never ! Just think of yourself first.