Fiance has joined facebook :0(

[hers]

Then if that has to be done it has to be done. Don't force marriage if it's not right. You'll regret it in the end.

[Hope75]

In which case I'll never see him again as I am going overseas and unless we marry he won't be able to stay with me.

 

You're unhappy and you don't trust him. Do you think a ring on your finger and a new country is going to change that?

 

It won't.

[allypally]

All I have wanted is that we're happy together. Thats all.

 

I have never been able to get over what happened on holiday and now that he admits to being a lad (lads are into cars, women, etc) and a flirt, that makes me feel even more uneasy.

 

I think that before he met me he had lost his self-esteem. Being with me made him feel good, attractive again, and now he is cocky around women. When we first started dating, I remember him being shy and lacking in confidence. Now he has plenty of confidence - like a transformation.

 

I am always telling him how attractive and gorgeous he is etc. etc. Bumping him up all the time. He relies on me for advice, wants me to listen to his woes at work. I also seduce him and initiate sex a lot but dont get much of the above myself from him.

[hers]

What happened on your holiday?

[allypally]

He behaved in such a way I felt it necessary to break off our engagement.

 

When I asked him if he would have done the same - he said he would have done, which bothered me even more as I just don't understand why he did it in the first place.

 

That holiday destroyed us really. The relationship has never been the same since, and now he is telling me that he is a lad (which in the UK is considered bad news) which I knew already, but he actually sees himself as one, then I wonder what the hell I am doing.

 

I think i am seeing him as someone else than for who he is - I can't relate to lads and that kind of behaviour. They are all in their mid-late 30s and haven't grown up. They are into fast cars and ogling women.

 

He keeps admitting to me that he is mean with money - why???

[hers]

Then why was this thread about Facebook & not about how to make a decision about your relationship instead? You have to take care of yourself before soemone else first. If you can't do that & if you aren't happy, why stay?

[allypally]

Because the fAcebook thing is just a manifestation of everything else - doubts, always doubts.

 

We have wonderful times together and everything is good, and then something will happen or he will say something and it gets my mind reeling.

 

I do most of the legwork in the relationship, the problem solving, making things nice. He no longer seduces me or makes me feel sexy (I know I'm sexy) .... he packed his karma sutra book from his home up north and left it with me. He really turns me on and I find his body incredibly sexy, but all he said to me maybe a couple of weeks ago was that I was pink, soft skin.

 

He knows what I would like to try in bed but never does it - I have told him what I like. He never asks me to do things to him, EVER.

Like he doesn't want to explore anything and yet bring on single attractive women and he is alive, buzzing.

 

If he no longer 'wants' me why doesn't he just say or do something?

[hers]

If you feel like he no longer wants you, why don't YOU feel or do something? It's your choice in the relationship too. Don't leave it to him to make the decision. Take care of yourself!

 

What do you expect to happen when you get married? If you have these feelings now, don't you think they'll still be there after you're married?

[allypally]

I always DO something. ALWAYS. Like I said, I initiate sex etc. But by leaving it all to me, it is wearing me down, and I would like to feel fancied by him. Maybe we've been through too much already, but it takes work on BOTH sides. Maybe it reflects the state of the relationship - one-sided as always.

 

Then when other women come on the scene, he is somebody else which is why I keep asking him if he is ready to settle down because he gives me the impression that is isn't.

[hers]

You seem to keep tying it back to sex. Do you need sex from him to feel completely validated by him?

[allypally]

Only because we are both very sexual people (depending on stress levels).

 

He also hates his work at the moment and I suggested we move up north to live at his house (no rent etc) and he can work for his company with a different client. It means he can save face, as I think his pride has taken a bashing because he hasn't got his job sorted. This isn't his fault as everything is against him where he works.

 

I harp back to sex because we both enjoy it immensely, but he leaves the initiating and Karma sutra book with me.

 

Everything is left up to me.

[hexaemeron]

Has it occurred to you that if you make him feel as though the person he is (for better or worse) is not what you want in a partner, why should be possibly have any desire to make you feel loved or sexy?

 

Women, generally accepted, are extremely critical, especially of their men. Men are not women, and will almost never see things from your female perspective. We can only work with the biochemistry and emotional awareness that life has given us.

 

If he's not what you want, move on. You can't change people, and if you try, you'll only succeed in making both of you really unhappy.

 

But seriously, think about this? If you're constantly telling him what he is is wrong, why would you think he could ever feel close to you or what to do anything for you?

[allypally]

Have you only read my last response?

 

Our problems started 6 months ago - despite our trying to salvage the relationship, it seems unsalvageable.

 

To make matters worse, I feel sad enough to admit I am a bit jealous of my gay friend's perfect relationship. They are moving in together and have never had any ups and downs - always on an even keel.

[hers]

Have you only read my last response?

 

Our problems started 6 months ago - despite our trying to salvage the relationship, it seems unsalvageable.

 

To make matters worse, I feel sad enough to admit I am a bit jealous of my gay friend's perfect relationship. They are moving in together and have never had any ups and downs - always on an even keel.

 

You absolutely cannot compare your relationship to others. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors even if they tell you they have a "perfect" relationship. No relationship is perfect. You can't compare your relationship b/c it'll only drive you mad & resentful.

 

My sister & her husband love each other very much & when I see them together I feel a little jealous b/c they are so sweet together. But frankly, I don't know what goes on when I'm not there. So it serves no purpose to get jealous of them.

[JadedStar]

Has it occurred to you that if you make him feel as though the person he is (for better or worse) is not what you want in a partner, why should be possibly have any desire to make you feel loved or sexy?

 

Women, generally accepted, are extremely critical, especially of their men. Men are not women, and will almost never see things from your female perspective. We can only work with the biochemistry and emotional awareness that life has given us.

If he's not what you want, move on. You can't change people, and if you try, you'll only succeed in making both of you really unhappy.

 

But seriously, think about this? If you're constantly telling him what he is is wrong, why would you think he could ever feel close to you or what to do anything for you?

 

In a different circumstance I might agree with you (but i do agree with your bolded statement - twice in one week we agree, that is scary LOL), but based on the many posts i have read from ally about her fiancee i get a very strong feel that he is just a bit immature and he is a huge flirt. That is not going to change despite what she does or does not do in this relationship. There are times when the inputs we are exerting can really change a relationship dynamic, but if one of the participants is a professed 'lad' and has a thirst for females that makes his girl feel very squeamish, changing the inputs on her end won't do much.

 

The only inputs that she can really change here for a more desirable outcome is changing her feelings about the things he does that she dislikes. And i don't really suggest that because she is ALSO who she is just like he is. They are just two very different people and all of their values don't line up. I think this is a case where a couple of the values and goals are in sync but not enough of them to make a marriage successful.

 

Ally, this facebook issue, the problem on the holiday, his professing to be a 'lad'...these are all symptoms of the problem. You can write about each one and try to get feedback based individually on the merits of each issue, but the holistic problem is that you two are not compatible. I strongly advise you think long and hard before having this man relocate to another country to get married to you. It isn't fair to him as this is a life altering move - both emotinally and geographically. There seem to be far too many doubts.

 

Don't you think a newly engaged woman would feel a lot more excited than this, and not so wrought with this kind of anxiety? This is no way for a newly engaged person to be feeling all the time.

[allypally]

I think when they are overtly flirting with other women when you are there, and aware of other women, they are not that into you anyway.

 

Acting like a single guy.

[DN]

Acting like a single guy is flirting with women to get their number, ask them out on a date and see if some sort of relationship - sexual or otherwise - might transpire.

 

Flirting alone is the behaviour of someone who wants validation that s/he is attractive - not necessarily that s/he wants to attract someone.

 

And what is seen as flirting by one person is often seen as normal friendly interaction by someone else.

[lost1607307474]

I wondered when he would do the deed and join - now he has.

 

He said he had searched for me - I told him I found it impersonal and stopped signing on to it.

 

I find it dangerous in that it can invite curiosity re: women in his past and equally they can search for him.

 

Anyone else find it an 'evil' of the modern age??

 

He is also a member of Friends Reunited.

 

I don't see anything wrong with it... half of the population is on Facebook now! We live in the 21st centurty and these types of technologies have become integrated into society, whether we like it or not. I'm on Facebook, and my boyfriend is on Facebook. I don't mind that girls who used to know him find him and might say hello. Nothing ever bad has happened. I know he is with me and that he loves me. I think Facebook is a great way to keep in contact with friends who you may not otherwise, and find old friends who you haven't spoken to in years! It's great!

 

I'm really against the whole 'exclusiveness' that people strive to have when they are in a relationship. I believe that when you are in a relationship with somebody, it's still healthy to keep in touch with a variety of friends from a variety of different places.

[JadedStar]

Facebook is not an evil - it is a conduit for evil. Someone has to already have the propensity.

 

I do agree, however, that the ease of connecting with people of one's past they might never have been able to do so easy otherwise does tempt some people who might never have been tempted. I have seen too many 'partner leaving me for old flame he/she found on facebook' too many times to believe that it might not tempt those who might not have been tempted if it wasn't flashed in their face. But at the end of the day, if they were totally in love with their partner even that wouldn't tempt them.

 

I admittedly hate the concept. If i did date someone very flirtatious i would also be worried if they had a facebook account, but then again, i am sure there would be things that person was doing far before this that would have made me re-evaluate.

[soursobgirl]

My SO has facebook...

I too worry about this sometimes. But you have to think about it in this way.

Does he have a mobile phone? Does he work with woman?

Dont worry about it ... seriously if he was going to do something he wouldnt just get facebook to do it.

I see posts sometimes from random girls on his page and I used to ask him who they were but that made me seem so insecure.

I have thought in the past to break into it and have a snoop around but it DOES NOT accomplish anything so dont ...

 

please dont worry he is engaged to you which is fantastic !!!!!

[hexaemeron]

My SO has facebook...

I too worry about this sometimes. But you have to think about it in this way.

Does he have a mobile phone? Does he work with woman?

Dont worry about it ... seriously if he was going to do something he wouldnt just get facebook to do it.

I see posts sometimes from random girls on his page and I used to ask him who they were but that made me seem so insecure.

I have thought in the past to break into it and have a snoop around but it DOES NOT accomplish anything so dont ...

 

please dont worry he is engaged to you which is fantastic !!!!!

 

Why would you even consider that? Seriously. If anyone I was dating did this, I would dump him immediately.

[JadedStar]

Why would you even consider that? Seriously. If anyone I was dating did this, I would dump him immediately.

 

It isn't ok to ask a partner who a facebook friend is? Surely i would ask if i saw a new person i didn't know but that doesn't mean i am asking out of insecurity. JUst curiosity.

[allypally]

Acting like a single guy is flirting with women to get their number, ask them out on a date and see if some sort of relationship - sexual or otherwise - might transpire.

 

Flirting alone is the behaviour of someone who wants validation that s/he is attractive - not necessarily that s/he wants to attract someone.

 

And what is seen as flirting by one person is often seen as normal friendly interaction by someone else.

 

What MORE validation does he need that he is attractive?? A woman (me) wants to marry him. That should be sufficient validation that he is attractive enough that I would want to be with him for the rest of our lives.

 

I think if he needs further validation of his attractiveness using flirting with other women straight after getting engaged, then that to me spells INSECURITY.

 

Flirting when single and with other single people, sure, I can understand, I did when I was single.

 

But what is the necessity to continue to flirt when you have just got engaged??

 

I think the insecurity I have developed as a result of his past behaviour is not unfounded.

 

Feel free to correct me if I am wrong. And to support my point, I can think of many married couples (friends) where I live who have never flirted with other people (the men never flirt with me as an example), because their SO is ENOUGH for them i.e. they don't need additional validation.

 

I think using the excuse that they need validation of their attractiveness is lame, since if you are happy and in love with your SO you shouldn't NEED to seek additional validation that you are attractive. I don't flirt with other men because I don't feel the need or desire to. It only serves to make your SO jealous and insecure so why do it??

 

I actually think it is a destructive behaviour because you don't know how the other person (being flirted with) will respond. If they take it seriously then they will get hurt because the flirter is doing it for kicks. Its a game.

[DN]

I think using the excuse that they need validation of their attractiveness is lame, since if you are happy and in love with your SO you shouldn't NEED to seek additional validation that you are attractive. I don't flirt with other men because I don't feel the need or desire to. It only serves to make your SO jealous and insecure so why do it??

 

 

Because he already knows you find him attractive.

 

It's like when your Mom builds you up after the school play in which you had a part. Your Mom says things like "you were the best actor on stage" and "you were so good". But Mom's are supposed to say that - so her praise is tempered by that knowledge. So you want other people to say that too - preferably people who don't even know you.

 

Didn't your boyfriend once say that he felt unattractive as a teenager - I seem to remember that from a previous post.

 

The way he flirts isn't about you really although I understand why you are upset. But I think you should also understand why he does this - it comes from a deep-seated sense of insecurity and has nothing to do with whether you love him and that should be enough. It has to do with his self-esteem and the fact that he has to prove that he is attractive to people regardless of whether they love him or know him. He requires their approval to make him feel that he is not a failure - that he is not the kid at school who everyone laughs at, or ignores, or thinks is a geek, or ugly, or stupid.

 

It isn't that he wants to cheat on you, or that your love for him isn't enough. It is about his place in the world.

[JadedStar]

I think using the excuse that they need validation of their attractiveness is lame, since if you are happy and in love with your SO you shouldn't NEED to seek additional validation that you are attractive. I don't flirt with other men because I don't feel the need or desire to. It only serves to make your SO jealous and insecure so why do it??

 

This would be like saying why is a girl insecure about her weight when her SO tells her he likes what he sees...the point is sometimes these things are internal to the person in question and all the affirmation from a partner in the world doesn't necessarily make that person believe there are no issues....