Fiance has joined facebook :0(

[allypally]

How the hell would you know he is cheating on me??!

 

I admit that I don't hear from him anymore on a Monday night or a wednesday night. He claims to be having early nights and so I don't hear from him. Then I hear last minute that he was going to have to be in work very early yesterday for a day trip to a supplier - but he never ended up going.

 

We had discussed moving up north to his house but he had ummed and ahh'd about it never making a decision. Finally, this morning he said it would be better to stay down south.

 

He mentioned a while ago about a v intelligent co-worker who he had to let go of. He so kindly told her that he would suggest she works for his company as a consultant - I wonder if it is her. He felt badly about her going for a long time.

 

How can you be SURE he is cheating on me?? I know there is a saying that when men spend longer at work they are not happy at home.

 

The change I've noticed is that sometimes he turns up at my door looking crestfallen and tired. Doesn't look me in the eye. Talks and talks about work - how rubbish it is, and yet he doesn't do anything about it. If it was so dire, why not leave?? Despite how bad it is, he said we should stay down south as it would be less complicated as far as moving goes.

[hers]

Exactly ally. How can we be sure he's cheating on you? We can't. Like I said, we don't know him. You need to make this decision. Not with our opinions. You clearly aren't happy & you are sure he's cheating on you or will one day, so what do you expect us to say?

 

Frankly, I'm surprised I'm still writing on this thread. You don't answer any questions directly, you only ocme up w/ more reasons he could be cheating on you. What exactly are you looking for?

 

You asked if that was a metaphor for something. I said yes, he's cheating on you. You come back w/ a dozen more reasons why he could be cheating on you & then ask how I, a total stranger, could be sure.

 

You're clearly not ready to be married, & especially to him. I can't help you. No one on this board can make a decision for you. You need to.

[allypally]

In answer to your question - I am marrying him because I love him - plain and simple.

 

I suffer from anxiety - and this has been exacerbated after what he did last year. It left me questioning over and over why he did what he did. He didn't have any strong answers to my questions as to why he did it.

 

He made a big mistake and got his fingers burnt for it (in his words).

 

I can't say that I ever suspected that he might be cheating on me. But he is very wrapped up in his work despite the fact he is about to get married.

[hockeyboy]

I can't say that I ever suspected that he might be cheating on me. But he is very wrapped up in his work despite the fact he is about to get married.

 

did you mean to say "i can't say that i never suspected..."

[hers]

You don't trust him though. So why marry him if you're always going to be scared?

[Hope75]

In answer to your question - I am marrying him because I love him - plain and simple.

 

 

That alone isn't a reason to marry him. Other things that are really the bare bones for a solid marriage are trust, mutual respect, consideration, friendship, working together on issues the relationship faces and a feeling that you are on the same team and not working against one another.

 

Women who are getting the crap beat out of them us that same reason above when asked why they stay:

 

"Because I love him."

 

It's not enough, and I think deep down you know that but are afraid to admit it to yourself.

[allypally]

OK, lets say he is cheating - WHY is he getting married?? If he were in love with me then he wouldn't want to cheat.

 

Why would anyone get married when they are incapable of remaining faithful? Its pointless.

[allypally]

Hope 75 - I agree with what you are saying. And yes, I think deep down I am afraid to admit to myself that I don't think he is on my side (he has a funny way of showing it if he is). He is a poor communicator and says "i love you" all the time. Last night I got cross with him because he has left me to organise the wedding because of being wrapped up in his work, and he said "i love you", to which I responded "saying I love you doesn't solve the problems".

 

That he more often than not puts his own needs first. That he has to be prodded into doing his bit to organise the wedding.

[hers]

Why would anyone get married if they were incapable of trusting their partner?

 

The more you post, the more I side w/ him b/c honestly I don't see much of what he's doing as wrong. I see you causing the riff in your relationship b/c of your lack of trust & your insecurities.

[hockeyboy]

I think you should not marry him and stop justifying why you should.

[JadedStar]

To quote what Batya has said on this forum a lot - watch the FEET not the LIPS. He can say he wants this and wants that but his BEHAVIOR has been showing you otherwise.

 

And him saying he WANTS to marry you, quite honestly, is irrelevant Ally. That might be true. But do you think that means that just because he wants to marry you that it will be a happy marriage?

[allypally]

Hockeyboy - are you with Hersmudders on this?

[JadedStar]

The question here is trust. If a man is standing by you, even when you drop any other hot women around him, he is still focued on you. If he is such a person, then you don't have to worry.

 

But he doesn't do that and that is why she is concerned. He has on more than one occasion focused on a hot girl right in front of ally, ignoring her to talk to the other woman when ally is right there.

[hers]

At this point ally, do you think your wedding day will be the happiest day of your life?

[JadedStar]

OK, lets say he is cheating - WHY is he getting married?? If he were in love with me then he wouldn't want to cheat.

 

Why would anyone get married when they are incapable of remaining faithful? Its pointless.

 

Men everyday get married even knowing they will cheat and sometimes they have convinced themselves that they won't. You say you want to marry him because you love him, plain and simple. But it isn't that simple. Ally, i hate to break the fairy tale but no, love is NOT enough reason to get married. We can love someone who is TOTALLY wrong for us. It happens all the time. I think most of us have probably fallen in love before with someone who was not good for us.

 

Quite frankly i think the main justification you have for marrying him is 1) because he says he WANTS to marry you and that 2) you believe for some reason that if a man says he wants to marry a girl he would never dream of cheating on her. That is incorrect thinking. Many men will marry a woman aftre having cheated on her the same week of her wedding, and it has happened many times. YEt they still profess love, honor and promises of marriage.

 

YOu marry a man when you are not only in love with him but also BELIEVE in him. It is the latter component that is missing. You no more believe in this man to be honorable than I believe in the Easter Bunny.

[allypally]

JS - You have asked me this before - no it wouldn't necessarily be a happy marriage just because he wants to marry me.

 

I should say (talking of the feet v the lips) is that his body language has been negative. That he turns his body away from me rather than facing me - this happens a lot. Like he stands virtually side on to me.

[JadedStar]

JS - You have asked me this before - no it wouldn't necessarily be a happy marriage just because he wants to marry me.

 

I should say (talking of the feet v the lips) is that his body language has been negative. That he turns his body away from me rather than facing me - this happens a lot. Like he stands virtually side on to me.

 

I have never point blank said that i think the main reason you think he will be honorable is because he wants to marry you becuase you never came right out and said it before the way you have on this thread. In this thread, a few posts back, you made it clear that you believe that his wanting to marry you should be a sign that he wouldn't cheat. But it isn't a sign. Men marry a woman all the time when they don't know if they will be faithful. They may want to be but i have seen men and women make promises to loved ones that at that moment they believe but the person hearing that promise usually knows that this person has made too many promises before that they can't keep.

 

I have been with a person who when he made a promise to change something, i really believe he DID think he would change. I just over time began to have a more clear picture of reality than he did and realized that he had not right to make the promises because he didn't have the ability to project himself into the future when temptation was in his path. I, however, DID have that ability to predict the future based on his prior propensity. His actions over time gave me my answers and his words meant nothing after promise after promise being broken or after seeing his actions tell me the real truth.

 

My first husband was the KING of promises. He really believed what he was saying at the time he would say it. But i had more insight into what his proclivities were than he did. He wasn't a cheater it was other things he would profess to change that i knew would not happen.

[allypally]

His past behaviour has let me not to believe in him. There are men I know who would NEVER do what he did.

[hers]

Ally she means watch his behaviour rather than listen to what he says. He says he's changed but his actions say different. It's not necessarily body language.

[allypally]

JS - I think I am deluding myself that this man will be faithful to me.

 

I honestly don't think he is capable. He loves to run with the boys, do the whole 'lad' thing.

 

I also think he is 2 very different people with and without me.

 

He didn't fight for me when I handed the ring back - he just sat there sighing and there may be a clue as to his true feelings because he said "I thought you were the one for me".

[allypally]

To add to that I feel incredibly depressed.

 

I'm ashamed of the insecurities and paranoia I now have.

 

He seems to be nonchalent whenever I raise the subject of something we are meant to have organised.

 

I never used to be this person - I used to be relaxed, carefree and fun.

[JadedStar]

I never used to be this person - I used to be relaxed, carefree and fun.

 

ANYTIME a relationship reduces a person to these feelings - REAGARDLESS of who is at fault - it is a clear sign that the person is in a relationship that is not right for him or her.

[allypally]

I know. I'm covered in dermatits and have been pulling my hair out for a while.

 

A nervous wreck.

[Hope75]

I know. I'm covered in dermatits and have been pulling my hair out for a while.

 

A nervous wreck.

 

This should be telling you something right here. These are not the actions of a happy, secure woman going into a marriage with a man she loves and trusts and respects, and who treats her the same.

 

I was thrilled when I was planning my wedding and getting married. I'm pretty sure that is the way it should be when the relationship is healthy and marriage is a good step forward.

[MinziGirl]

Also, one should NEVER rush into it. Being & feeling well with the one whom you marry is really important. The same must be also for the other party who is going to marry you. He has to feel well about his decisions too & a woman should be able to make him feel proud that he has made a right decision to marry.