Fiance has joined facebook :0(

[allypally]

I know - with some past boyfriends, I have always known I can trust them. I never had this anxiety.

 

It was the experience I had on our holiday where he was so blatant which scared the hell out of me. I couldn't believe that anyone in their right mind would do such a thing as he did.

 

I question to this day whether he TRULY loves me and whether he is constantly on the look out for other women.

[allypally]

The paranoia has been as a result of what happened in the past.

 

Do you seriously think I felt that way before it happened? no.

[hers]

I know - with some past boyfriends, I have always known I can trust them. I never had this anxiety.

 

It was the experience I had on our holiday where he was so blatant which scared the hell out of me. I couldn't believe that anyone in their right mind would do such a thing as he did.

 

I question to this day whether he TRULY loves me and whether he is constantly on the look out for other women.

 

If you are questioning if the man you're going to marry loves you, then you shouldn't marry him.

[Hope75]

I know - with some past boyfriends, I have always known I can trust them. I never had this anxiety.

 

It was the experience I had on our holiday where he was so blatant which scared the hell out of me. I couldn't believe that anyone in their right mind would do such a thing as he did.

 

I question to this day whether he TRULY loves me and whether he is constantly on the look out for other women.

 

You know what? Obviously this experience you had has lead you not to trust him. If it's something you cannot get over than you really have no place marrying him.

 

Don't beat yourself up over it, but honestly, if you can't trust him, you are anxious and paranoid, you would be foolish to push all that away and marry him anyway, because that isn't going to change simply because you wear a white dress and get a ring on your finger.

 

My husband went to Vegas with 8 friends for 4 days for his stag party. They went to strip clubs, and gambled. And you know what? It didn't bother me. I trust him, he's never given me any reason not to, and I never once questioned him about it because I know he is trustworthy and faithful, respectful to he, and his behavior and integrity over the last 6.5 years has shown me that, and 4 days of fun isn't going to change that.

 

I can't imagine marrying someone and promising to spend the rest of my life with them if I didn't have this kind of trust and mutual respect with. I'm trying to figure out why you would.

[annie24]

i agree that you can't guarantee that he's never going to run into hot women. for the rest of his life, he will meet hot women - at the grocery store, in line, at the post office, at the bus stop, at work, after work getting beers with friends, etc.... if you can't trust him to be faithful, you should walk away.

 

i think your gut is telling you all this for a reason. since you have been able to trust other men, but not this one, it seems like you know he may be up to no good, if not today, then maybe someday in the future. i think if you trust someone, you wouldn't be so suspicious of weekends away, facebook, etc....

 

so, i think you should walk. that's just me, i don't know if you will take that advice or not, or if you will go through with the wedding. i would hate for you to be back here in 3 years time saying you don't trust your husband with his new hot coworker or that you even have evidence of his affair.

[allypally]

OK - so are you both aware what happened which set off my insecurity??

 

As far as I know, I've bored the pants off everyone on this forum by repeating over and over what happened on our holiday.

 

If it had been you - what would you have done??

 

What confused me further was that he admitted that he would have doubted the relationship had I done what he went and did.

 

Based on his actions during that holiday, do you think he is serious about marriage??

 

I NEARLY walked away from marrying him.

 

Lets just say he knows now that if anything like that ever happened again I would walk away for good.

[hers]

What's the point of marriage if you're not sure he truly loves you then?

 

I don't know what happened on your vacation but even withouit knowing, I don't think you should marry him.

[JourneyRoade]

Ally - I've been following this thread, and no, not once have you elaborated on what exactly he did while you were both on holiday. He flirted with some other girls in front of you? That could mean a lot of things, based on your definition of flirting. What happened, what led up to it, what did he say, how did they respond, where were you? Etc. Maybe some of us can give you a different perspective on how to interpret what happened.

 

Not that it matters though, really. Because you don't trust him and that's not going to magically change once you are married. You obviously need more time to figure this out before you marry him.

 

You've stated many time that he is a self-professed "lad". To my American ears that sounds....very silly. Is that the same as a "player"? I'd be very upset if my man told me he admits to being a player. I'd probably leave him.

 

This thread is going around and around in circles.

[JadedStar]

If i were in a situation where my SO before we were married was habitually doing things that had me extremely diswraught, i would never say 'yes' to a proposal until at least a year could go by without it happening again. To say that if it happens one more time you walk is kind of crazy, because what if it happens again on day two of your marriage? By then he has turned his life upside down moving to your country and you have turned your life upside down by getting married. By then it is too late. You can divorce, but that is a horrible thing to go thru when there were sufficient warning signs ahead of time that were ignored.

[allypally]

JourneyRoade - see my post "Doubting doubting". Thats the whole story of what happened on our holiday.

 

In British culture - 'lads' are into fast cars, women, drinking and football. We use the expression "oh, he's one of the lads".

 

Everyone else - I'm digesting your words.

[annie24]

OK - so are you both aware what happened which set off my insecurity??

 

As far as I know, I've bored the pants off everyone on this forum by repeating over and over what happened on our holiday.

 

If it had been you - what would you have done??

 

What confused me further was that he admitted that he would have doubted the relationship had I done what he went and did.

 

Based on his actions during that holiday, do you think he is serious about marriage??

 

I NEARLY walked away from marrying him.

 

Lets just say he knows now that if anything like that ever happened again I would walk away for good.

 

yes, i remember your thread about his flirting during your joint vacation. but what i think doesn't matter. it's about what YOU feel comfortable with committing to the rest of your life. I can't tell you what to do. some people are more naturally flirtatious than others, and he is who he is, you can't change him. you either have to accept him as he is, love him as he is, and marry him, or you can marry him and hopes he turns off the flirting, and be in anxiety all the meantime. or you can just walk away. but i think you need to be comfortable and have trust in him, trust that he has your best interests at heart. if you don't think he does, then you shouldn't marry him. or at least put the wedding on hold for several years until you two ARE sure.

[Hope75]

OK - so are you both aware what happened which set off my insecurity??

 

As far as I know, I've bored the pants off everyone on this forum by repeating over and over what happened on our holiday.

 

If it had been you - what would you have done??

 

What confused me further was that he admitted that he would have doubted the relationship had I done what he went and did.

 

Based on his actions during that holiday, do you think he is serious about marriage??

 

I NEARLY walked away from marrying him.

 

Lets just say he knows now that if anything like that ever happened again I would walk away for good.

 

Yes, I read your thread about your holiday. You have made it abundantly clear over and over that since that episode you do not trust him. So again, I ask you why you are going through with this wedding when this is clearly not something you can get past.

 

If it were me, and I could not get past it, I would end the relationship and do my best to move on, because I could not marry someone I didn't trust or respect, and I don't want to spend my life policing my husband and worrying what he's doing and if he might be meeting other women or thinking about cheating.

 

You ask if I think he's serious about marriage. The question is DO YOU THINK HE IS SERIOUS ABOUT MARRIAGE? You are the one planning to marry him, not me.

 

No one is telling you that it's not valid to be upset about what happened in the past with your fiance's behavior. No one is telling you it's wrong not to trust him.

 

What people are telling you is it's not a good idea to plow ahead with a wedding and marriage feeling like you do.

 

What people are asking you, over and over is, why would you ever want to marry him when you obviously don't trust him?

 

And for some reason you either ignore the question, or give some pat answer that doesn't make sense, like "He won't be able to leave the country with me/ I won't see him again when I move." Those aren't reasons to marry someone you don't trust and who you constantly suspect is going to cheat on you.

[JadedStar]

yes, ally, it isn't about what we think is right, it is about the fact that YOU cannot get past the incident and I don't think you will anytime soon, if ever.

 

He isn't even secretive about his 'laddish' tendencies. He does it RIGHT in front of you and is a self professed flirt. You on the other hand are total opposite and his nature and personality bothers you enormously. This isn't really something i think you CAN fix. He can try to tone it down but you are asking that a man change his natural propensity and predisposition personality wise to suit you and your preferences and it isn't fair to him nor logical. I say it is not even fair to him because he has not been clandestine. He has been EXTREMELY open with exactly who and how he is. HE does the things you don't like right in plain view of you and has told you 'yes i am still a lad'. THis doesn't mean i think he is the most upstanding guy because his actions are very questionable, but the thing is he is telling you this is exactly who and how he is so all you can do is tolerate it, or leave him. This is why we are all pretty exasporated that you plan to MARRY him.

 

He isn't looking to pull the wool over your eyes. THIS IS WHO HE IS and you are not comfortable with the person he is or compatible. So we keep asking WHY ON EARTH would you agree to marry a man that you have already admitted HAS to change his inborne personality and proclivities to please you? Sure we can change things about ourselves within reason to suit a partner but he has made it clear by his actions AND words that this is what he enjoys.

 

It isn't fair and i hate to be so upfront but a marriage to him isn't a matter of IF it will fail it is a question of WHEN. IT is a recipe for disaster and you are being more deceitful to YOURSELF than he is being to you or himself.

[allypally]

Thank you for your replies and your patience.

 

He has stated over and over again that he wants to marry me.

 

When I have brought up the subject of his flirting etc. he doesn't have much to say about it. He does admit that he is a lad, but not as much as some people he knows.

 

He has also told me that he isn't the kind of guy who sleeps around or who wants to continue sowing his wild oats, and yet his behaviour contradicts what he tells me. What he says and what he does are 2 different things.

 

I have also asked myself why doesn't he want to leave the relationship? If he wanted to have the ultimate 'looker' (a 10), why settle for me? I know my self worth, but it troubles me that he would act as though I don't exist when I should be #1 no matter where we are and what we're doing.

 

I know he has told me who he is, and that isn't about to change.

 

I guess I don't know what is holding me back from acting on my gut instinct.

[annie24]

so your gut instinct is to run?

[Hope75]

Yep, you know who he is, his actions show you. You have all the information you need to make a decision you can live with based on it.

 

Pay attention to that gut instinct.

[Rabican]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with facebook, myspace etc. The problem lies in how he uses it. Is he trustworthy? Is he flirting with other women on there? trying to meet them etc.? If so thats a problem. If hes just hanging out on a website who cares.

 

My fiance uses myspace. I do not, and will not... I think its a stupid site. Do I care that she uses it? Not at all...

[MinziGirl]

The question here is trust. If a man is standing by you, even when you drop any other hot women around him, he is still focued on you. If he is such a person, then you don't have to worry.

[allypally]

I know that it takes him serious effort to focus on me in social situations where there are other hot women rather than chatting up the single hot women who are there.

 

He said he thought that things had improved. That he had been more considerate.

 

I ask myself why would he make a bee line to chat these women up when he is supposed to be in love with me?? Is it just that he is so red-blooded that he cannot help himself??

 

I can almost guarantee that when I am not around he will flirt and act the lad at every opportunity and there is nothing i can do about it. I also can't be sure either that he would take things further with these women.

 

As it is he had completely overlooked our finding a place together and subsequently moving in favour of his stag weekend.

[hers]

So don't marry him! You sound so sure he's going to cheat on you. Don't marry him then!

[hockeyboy]

I can almost guarantee that when I am not around he will flirt and act the lad at every opportunity and there is nothing i can do about it. I also can't be sure either that he would take things further with these women.

 

yes there is. you can leave him.

[allypally]

I'm only sure because of the kind of things that he says.

 

Maybe I'm paranoid and delusional.

 

I think I keep trying to tell myself that nothing is going to happen and that I'm building things up in my head.

[hers]

So are you going to marry him? Do you think you'll be happily married? Do you think it will all change once you get married?

[allypally]

No, you guys are right - of course being married won't change a thing.

 

He hates his work at the moment, has been totally caught up with it and hasn't been very involved in organising the wedding. I talked to him about it last night and he said perhaps he shouldn't take his work so seriously - to which I said, that he has a serious job.

 

However, he is working longer hours and is letting work take over his life. His work is dictating all of his decisions - its terrible.

 

Is this a metaphor for something else?

[hers]

Yes. He's cheating on you.

 

 

 

Ally. We aren't there. We don't know him. Either don't marry him or do, & live w/ your decision.