Fiance has joined facebook :0(

[allypally]

Also, one should NEVER rush into it. Being & feeling well with the one whom you marry is really important. The same must be also for the other party who is going to marry you. He has to feel well about his decisions too & a woman should be able to make him feel proud that he has made a right decision to marry.

 

He is going on his stag weekend 2 weeks before the wedding which stressed me out as we are moving into a place together right after going abroad for 2 weeks to do a reccie of the province we are moving to. Plus we are moving overseas at the end of the year. We are staying with our respective jobs. He has prioritised his stag weekend over the final wedding plans.

 

I don't know whether he feels proud that he has made the right decision to marry - he never says anything.

 

Its because of me that we have any communication at all.

 

To add to the above he has his phone on him the whole time now - before he never used to.

[MinziGirl]

Hmmm... why did he change his attitude to you? OK... Maybe it is because he is going to get married.... for some guys, it is like chaining a giant ton of iron ball on both feet. That means all bachelor's freedom gone.

 

Did he initiated the marriage? If so, then maybe he just needs some time alone to adjust to it... Don't assume so quickly that he had changed his mind.

[annie24]

He is going on his stag weekend 2 weeks before the wedding which stressed me out as we are moving into a place together right after going abroad for 2 weeks to do a reccie of the province we are moving to. Plus we are moving overseas at the end of the year. We are staying with our respective jobs. He has prioritised his stag weekend over the final wedding plans.

 

I don't know whether he feels proud that he has made the right decision to marry - he never says anything.

 

Its because of me that we have any communication at all.

 

To add to the above he has his phone on him the whole time now - before he never used to.

 

so why are you going ahead with the marriage at this stage then?

[Hope75]

so why are you going ahead with the marriage at this stage then?

 

Yes, I'd like to know the answer to this as well, since all the information you have given us screams DON'T GET MARRIED TO HIM.

[hers]

she answered it the other day. b/c she loves him, plain and simple.

 

i dont get that. at all.

[Hope75]

she answered it the other day. b/c she loves him, plain and simple.

 

i dont get that. at all.

 

and it was pointed out by several posters that alone isn't a good reason to marry someone- I'm curious after what was said if she's thought about that at all and considered it, and the fact that her relationship is very unhealthy and lacking most of the components a lasting marriage requires.

[Circe]

My fiance had failed to log out of his email account the other night, but I noticed that there were a lot of friend requests from single women - women from his school days who were looking him up.

 

To me this is odd, I lost touch with people that far back in my life YEARS ago.

 

For what reason would these women want to get back in contact?????

 

He is going to be over at his Best Man's house this evening, no doubt looking at facebook; aka organising the stag weekend.

 

I am just catching up with this thread so forgive me if my posts are completely redundant by now.

 

You said a lot of friend requests were from single women - but surely there were also a lot, or some, from other people too? Either way - it's quite normal! A lot of people have FB "friends" who are from the very distant past. It's not so much because they want to catch up again or reconnect as much as it is that old feeling of nostalgia that makes you add those people and accept their requests. And because FB is used a lot to curve boredom, some people view it as the more "friends" the better - as the more news feeds to read, holiday pictures to view etc.

 

Of course he wouldn't cheat just by eyeing her up - its the fact that he makes it so obvious as though he is always looking out for something better.

 

And no I don't find myself looking at other guys because its my SO that I'm very attracted to.

 

I think it's a bit harsh - everyone being down on the OP because she doesn't appreciate this type of behaviour from her fiance. I think it's clear we all look at members of the opposite sex.. but I don't think we all look at them blatantly in front of our significant other's do we? I know I don't and my husband doesn't - and I know we are both careful. I personally view it as just a tiny bit disrespectful.

 

A few years ago, a couple who are friends of ours were at a party. The guy blatantly stared at a very attractive girl we both know who was at the party in front of his girlfriend (now fiance). His girlfriend chucked a complete spaz over it and they had a big fight at the party. Now this story is still mentioned in the circle of friends as absolutely hilarious - the girlfriend overreacted by such a public display. But everyone, even the guys in this cirlcle, think that the guy should have been more discrete about looking.

 

If it's going to hurt your partner (and some people are more prone to jealousy than others) to watch you drool over someone else, then just be discrete about it - it's not hard!!

 

Plus - it's not the staring on its own. She's already said:

> He is very private about his email/phone and even has a code on it.

> He has said to her that he's a lad and loves to flirt and wouldnt feel guilty about a lap dance etc.

> He puts her last over other girls.

> If a girl shows him attention he's likely to go over and above what another attached person might in the circumstances to show that he reciprocates and enjoys her attention.

 

I can see why she's concerned and struggling. She loves him but doesnt want to be locked into a lifetime of this behaviour with the chances of it getting even worse - but breaking up is hard to do.

 

He knows what I would like to try in bed but never does it - I have told him what I like. He never asks me to do things to him, EVER.

Like he doesn't want to explore anything and yet bring on single attractive women and he is alive, buzzing.

 

If he no longer 'wants' me why doesn't he just say or do something?

 

Have you told him that you have noticed this and it bothers and confuses you? What does he say?

[Hope75]

I think it's a bit harsh - everyone being down on the OP because she doesn't appreciate this type of behaviour from her fiance. I think it's clear we all look at members of the opposite sex.. but I don't think we all look at them blatantly in front of our significant other's do we? I know I don't and my husband doesn't - and I know we are both careful. I personally view it as just a tiny bit disrespectful.

 

Have you read the entire thread?

 

 

She has gotten a lot of good advice, including if she is not OK with this type of behavior, (which she is not), not to marry the guy. There's nothing wrong with not being OK with this type of behavior. There is something very wrong with going ahead and marrying the guy despite being miserable with him and not trusting him.

[Circe]

I mostly agree with you here.

 

I used to flirt before my SO and I got together - and he did too. I can't speak for what he does when I'm not around (I don't know and I don't really care as I trust him not to lead anyone on or be inappropriate and I don't see light flirting as inappropriate as long as it's not "in my face") - but - I don't flirt with others now. I don't feel the desire to and I suspect that if I did I'd start to feel a bit guilty. Who knows. But I don't feel the desire. And my H does not flirt with others at all in front of me. We do, however, flirt with each other and that's enough.

 

I for one do understand how you feel here and believe I'd feel the same way in your shoes. Not everyone would and that's fine - but I think it's also fine if your boundaries are a bit closer in and don't appreciate this sort of thing.

 

So I can see why you are struggling ..

[Circe]

Inter-cultural marriages = red flag, painful future.

 

Wow, I must be destined for a painful future then! We are inter-cultural. However, we have the same religious beliefs (we're both agnostic) which are different from both our sets of parents, who in turn have different religious beliefs - but both respect ours. Neither of us are culturally involved.

 

That said - our respective different cultures do carry heaps and heaps and heaps of similarities so perhaps that makes a difference as well.

 

I don't see why flirting after 8 years is particularly different to flirting before if the intention and motivation behind it is the same (i.e. not to cheat) then it's not a red flag before or after! If the intention is to take it too far - then it's just as much 'not ok' before as well as after?

 

I mean I do sort of know where you are coming from - if you can't be totally focused on your partner in the early stages of love, what hope have you got etc etc. But i think people who view love in that way (early stage = romantic love, later stage = companianate love) are not taking the best approach to it. There was an article on this website just a few days ago with new research suggesting that romantic love has two types - one being that obsessive kind that most people associate with romantic love - but the other kind reflecting a close, intimate, loving, affectionate, connectedness that doesnt have to go away at all. If you aim for the latter I'm not sure why behaviour would be acceptable 8 years in that would not be acceptable, 2 months out.

 

OK, lets say he is cheating - WHY is he getting married?? If he were in love with me then he wouldn't want to cheat.

 

 

I thought most people knew that was a myth? Lots of men and women who say they are happy in their primary relationships still cheat on their partner.. there's that book "Not just friends" where the author did a study of several hundreds of psychologists and their clients and said it was myth that happily married people don't cheat.

 

I know one person who says its in his nature to want different women to sleep with. He says men can differentiate between sex and love. He says he loves his wife and cares for her very much and is a great husband to her - but he'll always be searching for new hot women to bed.

 

 

 

Anyway.. I certainly don't think that's a reflection of all men but it's certainly some of them.

 

Have you read the entire thread?

 

 

She has gotten a lot of good advice, including if she is not OK with this type of behavior, (which she is not), not to marry the guy. There's nothing wrong with not being OK with this type of behavior. There is something very wrong with going ahead and marrying the guy despite being miserable with him and not trusting him.

 

No, I understand the advice, and it's good advice Hope.

 

But the thing is - I don't think she's looking for advice as to what to do. I think she's looking for some affirmation about her feelings. I think she wants to know she is justified for feeling as she does.

 

That it's not just insecurities, anxieties, paranoia on her part.

 

She wants to explore into WHY he is acting the way he is because understanding it might give her more support about her feelings. If she understands it better she won't question all the time if her doubts are valid.

 

I think she has to feel like her hurt feelings, worries and insecurities are justified - based on the way he has acted - before she can act on leaving him.

 

I don't know.. that's just the feeling I got. And I think "attacking" her (and attack is too harsh) for the way she feels and just saying "so leave him already" isn't really helping her. Because by attacking - we're making her feel less and less justified for her feelings. So making it even harder for her to take the step we're urging - ie. - for her to leave this guy.

[MinziGirl]

His past behaviour has let me not to believe in him. There are men I know who would NEVER do what he did.

 

Hey Ally,

 

So many people here have pen their opinion but it is really up to YOU what you want to do with your life.

 

Here in this post, you said yourself that his past behavior has let you not to believe in him anymore. Then why seal your unbelief with supposedly lifelong marriage vows???

 

You have only yourself to be honest to. All others around can help you as much as they want but they aren't you...

 

Maybe it is high time you think about what you want for life?

[Hope75]

The thing is no one can tell her why he is acting this way, except him. He's been very open with her about being a 'lad' as she puts it, which apparently equates to being a flirt. Finding reasons for his behavior isn't going to justify it or make it ok in her eyes. I could spend years trying to figure out why my ex drank and beat the crap out of me (and did try to do just that.), but in the end it's a fundamental incompatibility, behavior that one partner finds unacceptable but the other partner has shown they are unwilling to change.

 

So, the answer is you either learn to live with it and accept it (and if ally does that I see a very short and unhappy marriage ending in ugly divorce), or, remove yourself from the situation and the stress and anxiety it induces.

 

Bottom line is whatever happened in their past on holiday is either something Ally can get over and move on from, or it isn't. Neither option is wrong. But if she cannot, staying with someone whom she clearly feels she cannot trust and who does not respect her, and marrying him, would be a grave error.

[allypally]

Indigo777 - I can only say that you have hit the nail on the head as far as why I keep banging on and on about the past etc. You are spot on in that I am seeking justification for feeling the way that I do. He knows all of this anyway, I'll just never be any clearer as to why it happened as he couldn't give a good reason for doing it.

 

Minzigirl - I know what I want from life and have worked hard to be able to live the life I want to lead.

Now it is at my fingertips, I had hoped that my fiance and me would be going forward with hope and happiness for the future.

 

Instead, I have recurring feelings of doubt and insecurity as I think that he is eyeing up every hot woman there is while I am in the background.

 

For example, he is swanning off on his stag weekend 2 weeks before the wedding, despite my talking to him about it and suggesting that it was rather close to the wedding considering that we were moving and doing last minute preparations. He is going ahead and doing it anyway.

 

Its not all bad, but unless I give him a massive prod, nothing happens or gets done.

[allypally]

Hope75 - why doesn't he show me respect?? Because he doesn't respect me??

 

Its strange since I'm the one with all of the get up and go in the relationship. He isn't up front about things, which is a behaviour I have had to adopt (I am actually quite a shy and introverted), but I have had to behave the opposite way with him in order that we communicate better as he is SO difficult to read - you don't know whats going on with him.

 

A few weeks ago he was telling me how he becomes very introvert at work and that he is quite a shy person. I have to say I corrected him on that and told him that I didn't think that was the case at all since he was very extrovert on our holiday and showed that he was confident enough to take off with the tour guide. So I think the remark he made about being shy at work pissed me off.

 

It should be v straightforward - accept him for who he is or don't. We are 3 months away from our wedding, have selected, ordered and paid for the wedding rings, paid for the flights for our honeymoon, booked the music etc.

 

No matter how much I talk to him about it, it doesn't change anything.

 

I feel like an idiot for not being able to handle his 'laddish' behaviour.

[rivercitystein]

Whether or not you go thru with the wedding is up to you, but don't do it because you've already paid some money out for it. Postpone it if you want. Marriage is extremely hard. Problems that you currently have in your relationship will not go away just because you got married, in fact, marriage intensifies most existing problems.

[allypally]

rivercitystein - I know that marriage intensifies existing problems. In fact all of the advice that people have told me I am very aware of.

 

I will get some groans in response to my next comment - but the going overseas situation complicates things in the sense that if I don't go ahead with this chance to live and work overseas I will unlikely get the chance to do it again. My fiance wants to go with me, and in order that he can stay out there with me, we have to be a married couple unless he gets a job offer which in the current climate is virtually impossible. I have tried for months to get a job and haven't been successful.

 

What I am saying is, putting off the marriage isn't an option if he is to come with me.

[annie24]

hm. i was just reading Christian Carter's newsletter (he's an online dating advice guru) and he was talking about a somewhat similar situation as yours. two people are engaged, but some problems have arisen and the guy is talking about postponing the wedding. although your guy is verbally saying he wants to get married, he's doing some stuff that is sure making you wonder if he REALLY wants to get married. You might want to google christian carter and subscribe to his newsletter. but he had some interesting stuff in there.

 

he definitely points out to look at the guy's point of view. Marriage is a BIG BIG life changing step, and there needs to be a lot of introspection and thought about getting married. Try to look at things from his point of view. why do you think your guy is saying he wants to get married, but is spending more time going on stag weekends rather than being with you and planning the wedding? is it that he hates party planning? or maybe he feels some pressure and wants some time apart? how have you been around him? tense and upset/anxious, or relaxed and happy. if you are on pins and needles, i can't see that as being super fun for him. remember that tour guide that he was flirting with on the trip? maybe it's because she was light and carefree, perhaps how you used to be before? she gave him attention and flirtation, and he liked that.

 

so he's trying to get away. so, i dunno - look at things from his point of view. maybe give him some more space and trust. go do something fun together. go easy on the guy. maybe that will bring him closer and bring out the confident girl you used to be?

[Hope75]

It should be v straightforward - accept him for who he is or don't. We are 3 months away from our wedding, have selected, ordered and paid for the wedding rings, paid for the flights for our honeymoon, booked the music etc.

 

No matter how much I talk to him about it, it doesn't change anything.

 

I feel like an idiot for not being able to handle his 'laddish' behaviour.

 

So the big question is, do you go through with the party and live miserably ever after because you invested in a honeymoon deposit, a hall, and invitations, or do you think about what happens after the big party and realize that you don't accept his behavior and will be miserable as long as you stay with him, and getting married isn't going to change how you feel right now?

[hers]

Ally, check out some threads by YoungForever.

 

She married her husband without having trust in him and they are having loads and loads of problems now. She has said plain and simple that she doesn't trust him. She's not happy. She's trying to make things work (counseling and such) but nothing is working yet.

 

Look at her threads sort as "the future". What you have to look forward to if you marry him without trusting him.

[MinziGirl]

 

Minzigirl - I know what I want from life and have worked hard to be able to live the life I want to lead.

Now it is at my fingertips, I had hoped that my fiance and me would be going forward with hope and happiness for the future.

 

Instead, I have recurring feelings of doubt and insecurity as I think that he is eyeing up every hot woman there is while I am in the background.

 

For example, he is swanning off on his stag weekend 2 weeks before the wedding, despite my talking to him about it and suggesting that it was rather close to the wedding considering that we were moving and doing last minute preparations. He is going ahead and doing it anyway.

 

Its not all bad, but unless I give him a massive prod, nothing happens or gets done.

 

OK... then is it possible that you are on him too much?

 

I would back off too (if not run!!!!) if i have to account my EVERY-minute-of-my-life to my boyfriend.

 

Think about it.

[allypally]

Annie24 - I'm the one who books weekends away and makes things fun. He doesn't have to account for his time either and I still do my own thing. As I have said many times before I am always telling him how attractive and sexy he is.

 

I was concerned that he was going off 2 weeks before the big day thats all.

 

I have done most of the wedding organising and research.

 

Its difficult to be carefree with so much going on. The tour guide never had the kind of pressure we have.

 

Footnote: I also feel insulted to be compared to the slapper tour guide who behaved extremely unprofessionally hitting on my fiance. She wasn't doing her job, she just fixated on the attractive man in the group (knowing how old he was as she had our details) and continued to do so throughout the trip. As a result it was the most miserable holiday I have ever had.

 

So, you are proposing that I use her as a role model for how to re-ignite my fiance's interest?? Sure, I could act as though we're not getting married at all, stop organising for the big day and back off him completely. Perhaps I could even flirt with other men in front of him and see how he likes it. Maybe it wouldn't bother him at all.

 

I think if the emmigration rules weren't so strict we wouldn't be getting married so soon. In order for him to be able to stay overseas we have to be married - it means I can sponsor him.

 

Perhaps he sees himself as single with a married title because of the situation we are in.

 

Further introspection reveals that I don't like the person I've become i.e constantly stressed and insecure. I told him that I am ashamed of the fact that I have become insecure because I never used to be - I used to not care. I also told him that I resented his behaviour on our holiday as I saw it as the cause for my own change in behaviour.

 

I think I need to stop caring what he thinks as he seemed to have stop caring on account of his actions. Yes, I think I cared too much about everything - now I am back to being an emotional wreck. Constantly tired, and my skin looks awful. How can he find me attractive anymore??

 

So, I need to stop caring - shouldn't be too difficult.

[annie24]

ally - so what else can i say? you sound miserable, and this is supposed to be the happiest time of your life. you say that going away with him was the worst vacation of your life, yet you want to get married and go on a honeymoon with this man? what are you going to do if the same thing happens again, with some over the top flirtatious tour guide, hotel clerk, etc....? then what? you're not taking advice to call off or postpone the wedding, you seem to be going ahead with it. but we don't have the magic pill on what to say or do to turn your fiance into the man you want him to be and to treat you the way you want him to treat you. what you're doing at this point clearly isn't working for you, so i think you need to try a new strategy, or call off the wedding.

[JadedStar]

Ally, check out some threads by YoungForever.

 

She married her husband without having trust in him and they are having loads and loads of problems now. She has said plain and simple that she doesn't trust him. She's not happy. She's trying to make things work (counseling and such) but nothing is working yet.

 

Look at her threads sort as "the future". What you have to look forward to if you marry him without trusting him.

 

Outstanding advice! This is when another person's thread can really help someone else. Ally i have a feeling you will have some very similar feelings if you marry this man. He isn't ready. He might never be.

 

I can't tell you how many young women make the mistake of marrying a guy just because the deposits were made, the gowns were ordered, etc. That is NOT a reason to get married!

[annie24]

here is the excerpt from christian carter's email:

[allypally]

So JS - are you saying he isn't ready to get married EVEN though he says he is??

 

Annie24 - thanks very much for the quote from Christian Carter. Need to have a think about that.