JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 ally, I am not sure how many different ways i can say this - it doesn't MATTER what a person SAyS if all of their actions are revealing a very different message...which his are. I've said this in about five different ways in my past few posts on this topic. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Sorry - just being slow on the uptake - a lot going on in my head right now. If I call off the wedding THIS TIME, the relationship will be over for good. I will be going overseas - he will stay behind and move on with his life as will i. I have noticed how laid back he has been about the wedding - we divided up the tasks 50/50, but he still left his bit undone until I had to call him out over it because time was running out. He doesn't know who he is, since he claims to be one thing and yet behaves differently (Correction: he knows he is a bit of a lad). And now with his whole stag weekend business - we had a long discussion about it on Friday night - we both said we would sleep on it. We meet up with a friend of mine on Sunday who asks him what he is going to be doing for his stag weekend and he tells her that he is going away for the weekend to watch car racing. I was fuming since he made the decision to go and broke the news in front of my friend. Its almost as though any convos we have mean nothing. The compromise for this would be that he find us a place to live as I am moving out of my current place in April. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 When a guys main focus of the wedding is his stag party it isn't hard to tell where his mentality is at. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Very true JS - one of the first things he had thought about with regards the whole marriage thing was his stag do. Any excuse to run with the boys. I have to like it or lump it. Thats him. It also shows how disconnected he is from the relationship. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Ally, I will not say to you 'break this marriage off" but i will say think LONG and HARD about all of the things that is occurring and the behaviors he is reflecting that do not sound commensurate with a man really ready for this big step. YOu have to make the decision entirely on your own. All we can do is help point out the things that we are hearing that sound pretty suspect. I would not want to walk down the aisle with a very flirtatious man who will make me feel invisible if there is an attractive woman nearby who is giving him attention. Some people might say that isn't a dealbreaker but for women with personalities like you and I, it very well can be. I would not marry a man who made me feel invisible, regardless of the situation. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Well it has taken intervention of my gay flatmate who is a long-term friend to get my fiance to make a decision re: whether we stay in the south of the country or move up north. I will re-phrase that - my friend has had to influence my fiance in order to get him to make a decision re: our future - where we are going to live. Otherwise he wouldn't have made a decision. Also, it was very obvious last Friday that my fiance says "I love you" or "love you" as a way of appeasing me. He says either of those phrases about 20 times a day which drives me mad as I'm not used to hearing it said to me flat out. It what he doesn't do that has made me wonder whether or not he really means it. And so, last Friday I told him "I love you doesn't solve our problems", to which he responded "Awwwww, OK we'll make some decisions then". JS - I agree, he can say to me, I'm not as much of a lad as some people, but at the end of the day, when I'm not around he is AS MUCH of a lad as his friends - thats who he is. He is a self-confessed flirt and that isn't going to change and I have witnessed this behaviour now enough times to realise that he is an opportunist if there are female opportunists out there. 1 and 1 makes 2 in this case. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 im not sure what this all means...has this all influenced you to make some sort of decision?? Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 The only decision I can make now is bye bye. There is nowhere else to maneouvre because of the emmigration situation. I honestly don't think he is deeply in love with me. Its an all or nothing decision which is extremely difficult for me as the door would close forever (it would have to), despite everything that has happened. I am part of the problem because I can't handle his behaviour or laugh it off. Maybe if I mastered the art of diffusing a flirtatious man - that would help. Does anyone out there know how to do this?? Do they not care whether their guy is showering someone else with attention? Link to comment
Hope75 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Ally, I really don't get what complaining about him is doing for you. You know all this about him and yet you are going ahead with the wedding anyway with your eyes open. What do you want us to do? You are doing this to yourself by allowing him to continue to be with you despite his behaviors and by marrying him you are showing him it's acceptable to you, when clearly it's not. You are the one in control here, and yet you are acting as though you don't have a choice. You do have a choice, marry him or not. If you make the choice to marry him, than you also make the choice to accept his behaviors and live with them, and will suffer the consequences. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I agree and do not know what the many threads of complaining and saying yes i know he is a lad and yes i know i feel disrespected by him is doing because she then turns right around and still plans on marrying him. It is now at the point that the responses and her own posts are just parroting prior threads and replies. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 No, there is nothing you guys can do. You've all been extremely helpful and insightful. I appreciate the trouble you have gone to to help me reach a decision. To call off the wedding a second time is incredibly tough for me to do. The main problem is that I cannot accept him for who he is because I have found his behaviour very offensive and hurtful. He has also made it obvious where his priorities are and makes no apologies for them. I still wish I knew the answer as to how I could deal with his flirtatious behaviour. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 The main problem is that I cannot accept him for who he is because I have found his behaviour very offensive and hurtful. The bolded text is the only thing that needs to be said to prove that this wedding should never take place. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 JS - thats been my struggle for all the time thats passed since it happened, and yet he denied it at the time. He has been honest with me but not with himself. He wants a wife at home but wants carte blanche to be able to act as though he is unattached. It is VERY tough for me to pull out of this relationship because of the complicated plans and decisions we made with regards our future. In fact the last few months have been HELL. I have never been able to believe that he truly loves me given what happened. I know that raking over hot coals doesn't achieve anything either and yet I keep doing it. We have been through months of negative stuff and it has got me down so much. I am unable to rise above his behaviour. Link to comment
hockeyboy Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 I still wish I knew the answer as to how I could deal with his flirtatious behaviour. You ask the above...and say the below. The main problem is that I cannot accept him for who he is because I have found his behaviour very offensive and hurtful. He has also made it obvious where his priorities are and makes no apologies for them. I honestly don't understand how you don't have a clear answer. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hockeyboy - the obvious answer is to walk away from the relationship. I think I have been trying to look for a miracle cure which would help me to rise above it thats all. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hockeyboy - the obvious answer is to walk away from the relationship. I think I have been trying to look for a miracle cure which would help me to rise above it thats all. There is no miracle cure. You can't change him or his behavior. All you can change is whether you choose to stay and put up with it. And since you do, I really don't see any sense in complaining about it- it's your choice. Link to comment
allypally Posted March 31, 2009 Author Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hope75 - I cannot argue with what you have said. The hardest bit (LOL) is doing something about it for the reasons I have given. Link to comment
JadedStar Posted March 31, 2009 Share Posted March 31, 2009 Hockeyboy - the obvious answer is to walk away from the relationship. I think I have been trying to look for a miracle cure which would help me to rise above it thats all. Ally that is what i (and i am sure others) have suspected all along with your posts. But hon there is NO miracle that any of us can shed on this for you. You can't turn this guy into the man you want him to be.....when we marry a man we have to take them as is. MANY MANY women get married anyway and believe these things will work themselves out but what you end up with is misery because marriage makes status quo set in even harder then when you are dating and not seeing each other everyday. Trust me, if you are not crazy about the guy you are dating you will find that every aggravation is magnified tenfold when you are married and living together...seeing each other all the time. I fear that he will get even MORE flirty with women and make you feel even worse after you are married because he seems so immature and he sounds like the type who will get even more antsy when he starts feeling like 'an old married man'. I'd be really scared to marry a guy who has the mindset you have shared with us that he has. Some people might think you overreacted over the incident on your holiday but that would have really sickened me to my stomach to have been treated like i didn't exist while he flirts with some other lady who is obviously flirting with him. But you know what? SOME women might not mind it. Some women are also very flirty and they dont mind their guy doing it because they do it. You see couples all the time where both are just so darn flirty and they don't care what the other is doing and saying right in front of them. BUT YOU are not one of those woman. I am not either, so I do understand why you get so upset. But this analysis paralysis you are engaging in isn't going to change your feelings OR his behavior. YOu both need people who cherish you for who you are, not trying to change one another. Sure he needs to tone it down but even toning it down will likely still be too much for you to handle. You seem far more reserved in this area then he is. That will likely never change. I have a feeling you will marry him anyway given your posts, but at least you are going into this with full knowledge of how it will likely play out. Link to comment
allypally Posted April 1, 2009 Author Share Posted April 1, 2009 JS - thank you for your reply. I know what I am getting myself into. He has never tried to change me - he also tolerates the fact that I smoke. However, because his behaviour around other single women freaks me out so much, I think I am becoming more controlling and less fun to be around. He is going on his stag do regardless despite my saying to him again last night that I wasn't happy about it. As a trade off he is going to find us a place to live. You're right though, he isn't going to change. As you say, he might tone it down for a bit, then revert back to how he usually is. I can't accept this element of his character. That he needs the attention of other women (and not just me - I am not enough for him) to make him feel good about himself. It sickens me to the core that he can behave like this. He might aswell go and sleep with them because my logic about it is, that you behave that way when you are 'on the pull'. Likewise, I don't admire women who behave this way - the flirty friend of mine is like this which is why I wouldn't trust her and my fiance alone in a room together. People who behave this way unnerve me. I also think my fiance was trying to pull the wool over my eyes by telling me that he is not the kind of guy who has one night stands or who sleeps around. It just doesn't add up going on his flirtatious behaviour in the company of single, attractive women. He has even told me about going on the pull with his mates in the past! In my eyes he is just coming accross as less and less sincere. I've definitely changed as a person since the holiday incident and he has done similar things before that happened so I know that this is the way he would behave, and probably worse when I am not around. I am not as happy or carefree as I used to be, but have become more serious. As I have said before, I am struggling with coming to terms with the fact that I need to extracate myself from it all at this late stage. It is a very difficult thing to do. I feel like a fraud at the moment and don't know how to go about unravelling the mess I have got myself into. I think I have wanted things to work between us so badly that I have lost sight of the fact that there are a number of behaviours that really piss me off about him. Link to comment
juliebug Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I discovered my husband was on Facebook several weeks ago. My last post thread was entitled "My husband says he doesn't love me anymore." (posted 4/1/09). So, maybe that should tell you something. Facebook can be a problem for a relationship! Beware! Link to comment
hers Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I still don't think Facebook should take the blame for problems in a relationship. If someone wants to cheat or look elsewhere, they will. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted April 1, 2009 Share Posted April 1, 2009 I still don't think Facebook should take the blame for problems in a relationship. If someone wants to cheat or look elsewhere, they will. Agreed. That is just a symptom that something in the relationship is wrong. Link to comment
allypally Posted April 3, 2009 Author Share Posted April 3, 2009 I would have thought on his part it would be easier to end the relationship rather than get into a marriage and/or emotionally cheat. Link to comment
hers Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 I don't understand why you just can't end the relationship. Why are you leaving it all up to him when clearly you are the one having problems? Link to comment
JadedStar Posted April 3, 2009 Share Posted April 3, 2009 Yes, why are you relying on HIM to end it? he still goes forward with it ally because in his mind there is NOTHING wrong iwth flirting with all of these woman and acting like a lad while engaged and/or married. THAT is why he isn't ending it. He feels no need to..he doesn't think it is wrong to have a wife and still flirt around with others. Some people find it even more thrilling to have a partner whilst flirting around. Link to comment
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