CAlove Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 ok well...i have been with this girl for 5 years! and she means the world to me, we have been togther since high school and our relationship has always been very strong! Neither of us have ever even been with another. but on my brithday two months ago she gave a me a piece of paper saying she wanted to take a break and thought we should have an open relationship for awhile. Me being stupid i thought it was an ok idea bc we have been together for 5 years and things were getting mundane and i thought maybe that's what would help us and we would end up loving each other more afer the break. I was wrong. It became really painful and i just didnt feel important to her anymore. After two weeks she hardly had time for me. I know she was super busy with college and friends but it sucked. Then I decided to go hang out with friends at a bar and I met a girl who was very cool. Every week we all met at the same bar and every week I hung out with this girl. Nothing ever happened with her except some mild flirting and ass out hugs. ( I actually only hung out with her 3 times) But as time went by my girlfriend became super jealous. And the tables turned. All of the sudden my girlfriend was super into me again wanting to spend every second with me. (just because the girl posted "Karaoke tonight? in my face book and I said yes) This got confusing. It was weird for a week or two but last night at work she began to text. -her "are you sure i am what u want? -me "of course babe, why would you say that?" it went on and on and became really awful. hundreds of awful texts that lasted all night. After text war 2009/work i went over to her house to try and work things out. She said the reason she is so upset is that "I was masking the truth in text messages trying to hide that I was with another girl" is that true? yes obviously i did not want to say hey im doing karaoke with some girl but I did it to not hurt her. I did it bc i knew this would happen. She said "I wanted to do this open relationship so you could experience sex with some stranger and I would never know" she said "I was just trying to be the best girlfriend I could be so you could experience everything" . I asked her which is worse sex with a stranger or "masking the truth about just being with a girl" she said she would much rather me have slept with a random stranger...I dont see the logic I dont eve regret waht I did I was not un faithful and besides we were supposedly in an "OPEN RELATIONSHIP" I have no idea what to do. If i could make things go back to the way they were I would do anything. I love this woman more than life. But now it seems different. She for some reason doesn't trust me anymore. I thought i made the parameters clear when we started this stupid open relationship which was her idea but it feels awful. It makes me even more sad bc my girlfriend crys SOOOO MUCH! and I don't want her to hurt like that. It feels like even if i told karaoke girl to never talk to me again, sometime soon this trust issue would re-occur. Please someone help me! I don't want either of us to hurt anymore. What is best? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I asked her which is worse sex with a stranger or "masking the truth about just being with a girl" she said she would much rather me have slept with a random stranger...I dont see the logic Because there isn't any. She's asked for this when she is completely unable to handle and open relationship. Just asking, IMO, because she "wanted you to experience everything" rather than because she wanted it shows a huge lack of maturity and self-knowledge. The bad news, your relationship will never be the same, and this might destroy it. The good news, if you work really hard at communication you might be able to fashion something new out of the relationship. Link to comment
jettison Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 This mimics a relationship I had quite a bit. She distanced herself, talked about other people, talked about not being in love, moved away for many months... then later found out that some other woman had caught my eye. Then, suddenly, it was "When are you going to ask me to marry you?!?!" and she just couldn't get enough of me.... for about a month. Then it was constant jealousy, insane accusations, and limitless testing of my affection for her. The thing is, if she got that affection she craved then she would be satisfied, and she'd pull away. If she didn't get it then she'd mostly be all about me, trying to get it until she did. Needless to say, this felt nothing at all like love anymore, and much more about "how do we play this game around your insecurities?" I think that there's a pretty easy was to figure out if she's still truly interested in this relationship with you. Ask her to go to counseling with you. If she says no then dump her straight off. I'm completely serious. And if she says yes then you'll have an opportunity to work our all of your conscious and subconscious issues, and they'll be a fighting chance for this relationship to survive. Link to comment
Mutley Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 She said "I wanted to do this open relationship so you could experience sex with some stranger and I would never know" she said "I was just trying to be the best girlfriend I could be so you could experience everything" Patently insane. You need a new girlfriend. Link to comment
columbine Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Your Girlfriend doesn't know what she wants, and maybe neither do you. You've never had anyone but each other, maybe you need to take a proper break, and find out what you're really looking for. Link to comment
Balbina Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I think it sounds a little messed up. To be honest with you, her suggesting an open relationship, to me, hints that she has someone lined up on the side as well. But, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She doesn't want you to ACTUALLY find someone else (which is why she flipped out when the girl left you a harmless message on facebook). She wants to console herself with the "idea" of you going out and about so she can do her own thing, but when it comes down to it, she craves your attention. If you want to be with her, tell her. If she is unwilling to commit to a serious relationship, let her go because obviously there is something going on. Link to comment
CAlove Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 i told her how i feel. I really dont want it to end but I dont see another way. I said maybe we could do some therapy somehow and she was not into it. then i suggested a real break. no more us for awhile. she just kept saying "if you want to be with her go ahead dont beat around the bush" "if your going to break up with me just do it already" -me "I really want to fix us but i don't see a solution do you have one?" -her "idk... can you just be friends with her with out making it awful on me" -her "i love you ide do anything to have you in my life" is breaking up with her is the only option? maybe one day when we both grow up we can be together and start building our trust again? Im just sick of hurting her but I can tell there is no easy fix and if there was we would be fighting about it again tomorrow. thank you for the fast responses I wish this didn't happen now also I have been training everyday for 6 months straight for my first pro fight (its in 1 week) and now my head is all * * * * ed up. I hope i can stay focused. -ugh Link to comment
Mutley Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Sounds like to me she's trying to force you to do the dirty work. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 To the OP, this is not right. She has blatently chosen the OPEN RELATIONSHIP status because SHE wanted to try out being with someone else (grass is greener syndrome) and then when YOU started interacting with a girl, she didnt like it and changed her mind, and put the BLAME on you, She cant do that. Tell her! Link to comment
CAlove Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 i know she wants no one else. I know that was not her motivation for the open relationship. its just confusing. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 -her "i love you ide do anything to have you in my life" Except play head games? How old is she? I think you probably need some time away from each other. Good luck on your fight though. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 What was her motivation then? Ok, can you two not just draw a line under it, forget about the whole saga, and get back together, but she has to forgive you for meeting a member of the female sex for a karaoke session, is that too much to ask? No, I dont think so. I'm sure she conversed with other men while in the open relationship did she not? Link to comment
columbine Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 The 'I love you and I'd do anything for you' can often be spoken in desperation, and is her way of trying to make a verbal security between you. To me, this means she is emotionally manipulating you into feeling guilty for what you haven't done, while also painting her as an innocent party. The whole thing was her idea! she is young, and I think there is a tension between her wanting to be with you because it is a comforting relationship, and the prospect of being severed, striking out on her own, and being with some other people. I don't mean this patronizingly, I'm only 20 myself, but I think this stage is one of curiosity and urge for change. Link to comment
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