Who abused WHO? Me or my Fiance??? LONG AND CRAZY

[Honey Pumpkin]

Hello

 

This is such a disturbing post. I would say you must - MUST - cut this guy out of your life totally, and seek counselling to help you through this. He abused and tortured you, and you need to get to a place where you can see this.

 

You don't need to understand him or see his side of the story any more. You need to protect yourself first and foremost, and start the healing process. I don't know why he is what he is, but I would say that I think you got out in time. I think you were in danger of becoming a statistic, and that I think your life was potentially in danger - I know it sounds dramatic, but I do think that you were in serious danger of him going too far and badly hurting you or killing you.

 

Cut him out of your life, and discuss what happened with someone you trust who can help you make sense of it and move on. But I have no doubt - absolutely NO doubt - that he is extremely bad news in every way for you, and you must focus on healing from him. He does not belong in your life in any way.

[Tethys]

It is disturbing, but it's out of our control and into hers. She writes blocks of text explaining and excusing, but it is up to the OP to make the change, if she can do it.

 

I am being a bit harsh I know, but only she can change this. She knows what is going on, she knows this behavior is unacceptable. She knows it needs to change.

 

And, if she finds the courage to change it, we will be here for her. And will support her.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is the kind of thing you don't try to figure out, you get the heck away from him and never look back.

 

It's like standing in the middle of a house that is burning down, and scratching your chin and saying, gee, i wonder why the house is burning, maybe i left the burner on, or maybe he left a cigarette burning in the ashtray... is it my fault it is burning down or his?

 

You don't stick around in the fire and get burned wondering whose fault it is, you just recognize the seriously bad nature of the situation and GET OUT and save yourself. The bottom line is that was indeed a hugely toxic relationship, and he is STILL lobbing fireballs at you in the form of emails etc.

 

The only correct thing to do right now is cut him off entirely. block his emails and calls, refuse to see him, have nothing to do with him, never talk to him again. Just do it, and things will turn out OK. You can't fight a raging inferno, and you just have to get out and save yourself.

[strength6]

What does he want now? I told him fine it's over then we have no obligation to each other and he writes this:

 

things just keep getting worse .. im no longer with (his company)!! they said i needed to take over the regional area , i was already spending about $150 a week on gas so even if i had a good month and made $2000 ,, $600 or more would have gone to gas .. i had no choice ..... so its now wednesday and im out looking for a job .. im going back to a car dealer some where and im going to work 60 hours a week until i get back on my feet ,, i have no choice ,,, i've applied to other jobs but like my resume says ,, im a car guy and thats what i do best .... so i give up on trying other things ... im going to find a dealership and take it over .. i hope in a year or so i can move into management and start making some serious money .... im out of time and this is no joke ... i'll be at a car dealer again by the end of the week i hope ....... so as you can see things are crazy right now and ALL i have on my mind is getting a job .. i dont know what is going to happen between us , i guess time will tell ,,, you said in your last email that at this point you consider us broken up ,, are you going to start dating or meeting people on line ?? is gunney back in the picture ??? ,,, i know you !!! you love to flirt and now you have an empty house to do it in ,,,, you also said its none of your business what i do , and its none of my business what you do ... dont let any freaks know where you live ,,, i know last time we broke up you had your new email address and a list of 10 new men you found on-line ..... i hope you've grown up at this point and conduct yourself the way that would make your parents proud ... be safe !!!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

ignore, Ignore, IGNORE!!!

 

Don't respond to his email or anything from him ever again. This man BEATS you against your will during sex for heaven's sake... why are even considering wasting one more thought on him?

 

This 'concern' of his for you is nothing more than more attempts at him feeling in control... it's a sick relationship you guys have, and you need to break it off and just move on. you don't need his (unhelpful) advice. he's telling you not to let freaks in your house, but he's the biggest freak of all!

 

Stand up for yourself... be strong! Put this guy behind you and find someone who loves you and who is NORMAL.

[lostandhurt]

Please take a few days off from this guy. Your mind looks like it is swimming!

You are to close right now and can't think clearly. Step back and just think of yourself and your life with no one in it at all. Think about what it is you wanted before you met this guy. I think you will see that you are nowhere near the place you would like to be.

Give yourself a break and go No Contact just for you.

 

 

lost

[strength6]

I'm trying. it's hard though. I don't do well in a "normal" relationship. We're all built different in our heads, you know? I have always liked a dominant man, to a fault.

I'm not interested in a "normal" man..... had one once. bored.... i know you're thinking what an awful woman she is!

But I don't choose to be this way. I just am.

I don't really want him back here in my face yelling at me. But there were other aspects.... as i said, he was violent one time. not out of rage, and i know that one time is too many times for 99% of the world. I don't "like" being hit. but 1x in 3 years.

arrrrghhhh i know if this was my best friend i would be saying RUN DONT WALK but it's not... it's me and i guess i am not a good friend to myself!

All I know is there's a hold there. Now, I am TRYING to break away from it. You read his last email... give me some credit there, I said We have no obligation to one another.... my business is my business, yours is yours.....

and he write what he writes....

so i am just sitting here thinking

what does he want.

i'm leaving him alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[strength6]

yes, that's right. you got it.

i got fed up the last 3 months.

and still he leaves me, why? cuz I am demanding attention.

and he's focused on finances.

and so, i drive him out, in a sense.

and now he's broke (me too) and we were financially better

i don't like pain. i like the power aspect. that is what has kept me with him.

his personality used to be AWESOME but now he's just dead weight on me and sooooooooo WHY is he writing.

i told him silence would tell me everything, and yet he answers saying he doesn't know what the future holds.

i think he knows he won't find someone else who will be what I am for him.... i'm not that easy to replace... or else he's just playing me.

and that, i am verrry tired of

[strength6]

guys, stop, please

esp not on my account.

i just want to know why you think he's writing, ok?

Equest... couldn't see your personal message due to pop-up blocker (stupid thing)

and look, it's not that i liked being 'hit', no.... not like "THAT"!!!!!! It's just he got out of hand.

and that was serious, really serious.

esp the way he made light of it.... that's what bothers me.

i love him when he's strong, but i loved him when he was weak too, and he rejected my attempts to comfort him... turned away instead. now he's feeling... what ?

[strength6]

L8, I didn't leave him because of the past few months.

I didn't leave him at all!

He left me because I was overbearing on him.... i'm trying to figure out the dynamics of how this works.... and i wish someone would tell me what they think his email means ???????? Is he done? (I know, I know, I SHOULD BE) but what is in his head.... clues would be great.... even if you hate the man, clues ?

[EQD]

oh, i was asking if you were abused as a child.

[strength6]

I don't THINK I was.....

old memory, but I think it was a dream... it must have been....

because I have great parents, was an only child, very nurtured.

[TechResQ]

Hi Strength,

 

It is blatently clear that eventhough he doesn't want to be with you anymore, he still wants to control you. I agree with what others have said. Step back for a minute and look at the big picture here.

 

His emails are controlling. The verbiage he uses is abusive and controlling. Stop writing him back. I know it's hard, but it is the only way he is going to leave you alone. Don't engage him in any type of conversation any longer.

 

I think you should block his emails and his cell phone, etc.

 

Get a lawyer on the house matter.

 

Get a counselor to help you sort through this.

 

Good luck and God Bless.

[TechResQ]

Love can act like an addicition. You know getting back together means pain and depression, but the highs of the good times keep you coming back for more.

 

Like a chemical dependency, though, you probably can not get past the habit of getting back together if you try to have just a little of him all the time. If you talk with him enough for him to beg and weasel his way back into your heart -- or at least your life -- that means you take the risk of losing control every time.

 

You have to go cold turkey to get rid of this guy. Don't answer when he calls, don't read emails. Like I said...block him.

 

Focus on the fact that life with him isn't suitable for you

 

Yes, you will feel pain as you adjust to not having his presense in your life. You will want the good parts again. But remember that going through those hard times will put you in a place where you can find something that makes you stronger rather than tearing you down.

[jettison]

guys, stop, please

esp not on my account.

i just want to know why you think he's writing, ok?

Equest... couldn't see your personal message due to pop-up blocker (stupid thing)

and look, it's not that i liked being 'hit', no.... not like "THAT"!!!!!! It's just he got out of hand.

and that was serious, really serious.

esp the way he made light of it.... that's what bothers me.

i love him when he's strong, but i loved him when he was weak too, and he rejected my attempts to comfort him... turned away instead. now he's feeling... what ?

 

Someday you will look back on these writings (if you print them out now), and be absolutely shocked that you defended this guy, and that you claimed to love this guy. He CLEARLY does NOT love you. STOP trying to love someone who doesn't love you. It doesn't work. He doesn't respect you because you respond with respect to someone who has none for you.

 

This guy is NOT good for you. He is not even loveable. He is not a good person. If he were worth your time then you would not be suffering, you would not be on ENA, posting about your misery with him, and you would be living in some little house with a white picket fence and a dog named Mister Happypants.

 

Please have enough faith, fortitude, and especially, strength to listen to the posters when they tell you that this man is a very bad idea. We have all the information we'd need to know that's true. And even if we were wrong, which we're not, it STILL doesn't make him a good match for you. Even if he were a prince, you still shouldn't be dating him because you suffer as a direct result of him.

 

Being an emotional masochist can be comforting. Your suffering won't abandon you. Your suffering won't leave you when the going gets tough. Your suffering is 100% faithful, and your suffering will always be there to lean on. You are addicted to your suffering. It is not this man that you love. It is your suffering. It's an addiction, and this man lends you the keys.

 

It will take strength, but it's ok to be happy. It's allowed. Now you have to convince yourself that that's true.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

There are very strong men out there who aren't vicious and twisted... so you need to not assume that 'strong' men behave the way this guy does.

 

Have you read any books on co-dependence and abusive relationships? you can indeed break this cycle and find a decent man and learn to be happy with a calm more normal life. There are all kinds of ways to get excitement in life, without the negative problems this kind of drama brings about with an abusive man.

 

Please google abusive relationships and co-dependence and read up on it... there are some really good books out there written about it too you can get from the library....

 

i think you can free yourself from this cycle and find happiness if you will only spend some time learning about it and how to change. Turn your attention to that, rather than thinking about him.

[Xuul]

I have been in some messed up situations and even more messed up relationships but....wow. Just....WOW. I am so sorry you had to go through this.

 

I know it's been said by others, but I just have to concur; You do NOT and DID not do ANYTHING to warrant this kind of emotional abuse. He definitely IS an "out of control Dom", and this is evidenced by one key thing you said.

 

"With him, there are no safe words."

 

That is just plain WRONG.

 

That is a sacred rule amongst even the most hardcore B&D practioners - ignoring a safe word is RAPE, period. There are no two ways about it. Those who are involved in the legitimate practice of a Submissive/Dominant relationship (or lifestyle, even) know that the relationship is built upon trust. For a dominant to violate that trust in any way is considered absolutely blasphemous and vile. It is possible to have a healthy relationship that involves B&D, but this is a primary example of what that does NOT look like.

 

I know it's hard to get over a relationship when you're co-dependent (I was in the past as well), even if the other person is abusive to such an extreme as this. I'm not sure if you've looked at it this way, but from my perspective the incident you describe that resulted in you having a black eye is a microcosm of the whole relationship.

 

My perspective is, that the e-mails he's sending now are his sick and twisted way of assessing how much control he still has over you. This is much like the way he talked to you after that incident; he belittles you and dictates to you what you SHOULD do or SHOULD be feeling. You're keeping your distance and trying not to talk to him, because you are scared of what might happen if you let him get to you. He's waiting for that break in your defenses so he can once again strike at the very open wound he inflicted himself such a short time ago.It's very much like him telling you to "Put...Your.....Hand....Down....Now..."

 

This man is a savage! He's out for blood, and I have a feeling he won't be satisfied until he's had his fill of yours.

 

It's no surprise that he's charming at all. Some of the most twisted and sick individuals are the ones you'd least expect. Ever see the movie or read the book "American Psycho"? I was reminded of it several different times while reading your post. I digress...

 

My advice is to cut off all contact with him. Send him an e-mail stating that you no longer wish to communicate with him. Keep it plain and to the point. After that, block his e-mail address, etc. Don't respond to anything he sends to you - but do keep a log of every contact attempt. Get a lawyer - you're going to need one if this guy is every bit as manipulating as he is charming. At that point, any contact can be between the Lawyer and him. If a Lawyer is not an option because of money problems.... still keep the log of all contact attempts. That way, if he ever does threaten you, you will have a record of all correspondence. Obviously, save all the e-mails/text messages/ voice mails, etc. that he does leave for you. I have a feeling this guy isn't just going to go away if you tell him to.

 

On your end, non-contact might still be hard... no matter how sick of him you are at this point. Just keep your head up and try to keep your mind off of it. I've found something that works for me is to give myself a set time every day that I allow myself to grieve for the loss of what once was (I'm going through a bad breakup myself right now).

 

You seem like a good person that got into a bad situation with someone that knew exactly how to pull your strings and push your buttons. I wish you well.

[strength6]

THANK YOU ALL.....Things got bad again. He had decided he wanted to move back home. Come to find out, he was living with his ex-wife and her 27 yr old crackhead son in an apt complex accross town. He began calling..... we began talking for HOURS a day from his work. He told me he was miserable with her and that he never led her on.... he told her he would be there temporarily until he saved up money for his own apartment, but that she was a "lost soul" who had "false hopes" that they would make it somehow.... so she let him back in as she usually does, and now that he was there, he decided he did not want to get his own place after all, but he wanted to come home to me. He said we have high potential together and could have a great life.

 

Well, you all know I love him. I said ok. He was to move back in tonight.

Then, last night, he calls from her apt. He says out of the blue, "I can't pull it off; I'm sorry; I cannot leave."

I say what?

you're not coming home?

He says.... 'no'.

I hang up.

Since then he has sent apologetic emails telling me it's "just time to move on" but that he is sorry and hopes we can be friends at some point.

I cannot answer right now.

For weeks and weeks, he built me up promising me literally an eternity of happiness together, making big plans with me, as specific as right down to this weekend and refinishing the backyard deck..... we talked about every detail imaginable that two people would discuss who were getting a reconciliation underway.

And out of the BLUE

he says he "can't cut it"

WHY would he do that to me?

And, am I right to ignore him at this point?

I have not called one time.

He hasn't either, but I did get a couple of emails asking for his last work check that got mailed here.... I just wrote and said of course, I will send tomorrow but I would not discuss his apology.

I'm just so hurt he would string me along.

Obviously he can't "leave her".

tho he says it has nothing to do with her. But the bottom line is, can a man really be "that confused?"

He is 47 years old in a perpetual state of mid-life crisis. Quit 8 jobs in 2 years. Broke.... living with an ex he tells me he is bored to tears with but he had nowhere to go when he left me, and that he wants to come home..... but the night before, he renigs on all of it.

advice?

thoughts?

I'm back to having panic attacks.

[thistime]

get a lawyer. Cover your own ass. Go N/C. Get some therapy. He's a piece of * * * * . Save yourself.

[strength6]

he wrote again. I told him I wasn't buying the car. Here is what he said:

ok thanks ... if your not keeping the car dont spend any money on it at all .. i'll sell it the way it is .... im sorry about the month of confusion and this is not about joyce over you ..joyce has nothing to do with it , joyce was not involved at all until we broke up and i needed a place to stay .... we broke up and i honestly dont think we can make it no matter who's fault it is , again im sorry about everything i hope in time you can forgive me for my part in all of our problems ... joe

So I wrote back. I finally said what I needed to say, and I think it was good. What do you think ?

 

you don't need to explain or justify your reasons. Bottom line is you don't want it to work so of course we weren't going to make it...... but not because of "us". It was you. You think you'll be happier elsewhere so you need to go for it. Do I think you're making a bad move? Hands down, yes....but that's just my opinion........ and the people who know you all agree.

 

Do I think you're 110% sure on it? No.... you wouldn't have made "definite" plans to come home all week and talk for hours a day on the phone about a life together. I think there's a gnawing part of you that isn't 100% sure...... that still envisions what we're capable of and our potential and the fun we could create in our world, but you're focused on the wrong things in your life and you need to step back and realize what a bad way you're choosing. Until you do, if that day ever comes at all, then I'm drawing dead and dog paddling....... and that is not how I want to conduct myself with any man. If you can't see what is in front of you, you're blind and a fool. But I guess something is holding you that is more powerful than "we" ever were together.

 

When I returned your call the other night, I never thought it was about "not being able to pull it off". It was a sucker punch to me...... you got me good. knocked the wind out of me with that statement. This morning after I took Marisa to school, "Baby I'm Amazed" came on the radio. I parked right there in the parking lot of the school and just cried. You killed me. You're throwing us away..... so much potential, so much love I have for you. All in the garbage. Well, you win. We're done, i'll move on.

 

When it came time to "pull it off" and leave Joyce, you couldn't. Just said you couldn't. Actions and words, Joe. You showed your intentions and they didn't match what your words had been telling me about how you really wanted to work things out with me, so really I think though that you need to go do whatever and find out for yourself once and for all. I love you, but again you know this hands down and it doesn't count for enough..... your not in it. Please stop telling me about Joyce. Actions, Joe...... just let the excuses go. you don't have to justify anything to me anymore. You're not mine.

So I'll take your advice, and I'll finally move on..... I'm out and that simplifies your life a little more. I'm out and it's time for me. I have a lot I want to do in my life. You may want the same things, but not with me...... You made that clear, as you're still living there. You made your choice, and it wasn't for us. you don't need to call. Someday, sure, maybe we can be friends..... I'll forgive... don't I always? But it'll be awhile. We'll be friends when I don't care anymore.

 

I wish you guys the best.

[EQD]

so he dumped you and you are trying to guilt him into thinking he made the wrong move?

uhm.

after all that you still think its a bad idea that he leave you?

[strength6]

I want him to realize that he's the loser here. In the long run, it's not me who loses. He always hedges.... has done this for a couple of years, and when I finally say "ok, I'm out" he totters and "realizes".

This time, I really am out.

And I wanted him to know that he keeps mentioning "being friends" and forgiving him and i'm like ok, when I no longer care that's fine. In otherwords, that day will come when I really don't give a crap any longer....and there is a "too late".

It's already too late.

[EQD]

well. its good that you two arent together anymore. damn good.

i strongly suggest you go and seek counseling though.