EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 "and to be fair to him" she's completely brainwashed into thinking this is her fault. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I'm old and I agree ;-) Though not always easy to accomplish an understanding of why the dynamics of one actions effect choices. I also don't think b/c she chose this guy, she will chose another one like him! Unless her ex was the same sort of character Link to comment
Cuppedia Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 You were at a vulnerable point after your divorce, he saw that, he took it and he abused it. Yes you stayed with him because that's how it works, he gains your trust doing and saying what you want to hear and when things start going wrong you are too weak to leave. He knew saying stuff like "dying to protect you" was going to have an effect in you to the point where you would even question yourself in order to believe him. He tells you to go back to your husband because, same as mocking you when you cried, he is so sick that he enjoys making you feel bad. Think about it, would you have started dating him had he acted like a monster during the first few dates?. He had to become something you wanted, something you needed or something you think you want and don't deserve, even now because otherwise he would have no control over you. Link to comment
jettison Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Yes, you are/were abused by this man. And your passages about control are very telling. Throughout this entire relationship, you've been trying to get back the control you never even had with this man. There are so many nuances, but the basic premise is the timeless passion paradox. link removed If you can end your compulsion to stop being the one-down then you'd likely start seeing this man for exactly what he is... a terrible person, and not much more. Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 No my ex was nothing like him. I just grew apart from him. We were together 8 years. Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 is this how you see yourself growing old? getting screwed so hard by the one you 'love' (who said they were going to protect you) that you consider it rape and being hit in the face and laughed at? Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 YES the PASSION PARADOX. That's what happened to me! I even started to ask him if I could have more intimacy with him, sex. etc. he always said "our atmosphere sucks, not in the mood.... but tell you what. when your parents die, then how about if i come onto you and say let's party!!!??" He said I didn't understand the severity of the financial complications and outside circumstances and all I cared about was attention. And the more I asked, the less I got until it died of attrition. and it still really hurts thinking I could have done something different, left him alone, been more independent... i don't know. i don't know why he was so bad to me and is making me feel badly. I don't understand why he is advising me on how to live my life now... i think he just wants not to feel guilty for leaving me like this because he knows my position. Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 trust me, he doesnt feel an ounce of guilt for anything he did to you. you are a puppet. he finds this very very funny. just as he did when he hit you over and over. Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 No, not at all. But I just felt that we were a "team" together and i wished he had leaned on me emotionally. but he never ever did. And all the times he went back to his ex - even though he said she was just at a stopping point as a roomie in her apt until he got his own place - that was LAST summer when he left for 3 weeks. He came back to me, came home, and within a day, over the phone, he left her too. I don't know where he is now. he keeps saying he's alone, broke and miserable and does not want me back. so i am feeling like i caused this and he reminds me how hard he tried. and he says i am a liar for saying i liked threesomes (i could have maybe, and there's nothing wrong with that, but i never really felt like #1 with him, and he even used THAT against me, telling me I am very high maintenance, and why didn't my other relationships work out? (I never picked a guy like him before, so that is not my M.O.) - He said it was because the one catalyst in all of them was ME and I was the biggest part of our problem and I couldn't change, and neither could he, we were too different, and to let it go. But I worked so hard on this and I feel discarded when I am seeing from you guys that I should have been the dumper! Insult to injury and I don't want his advise to go back to my husband any longer it's really insulting. Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 He told me he honestly did not remember hitting me at all. Can this be possible? Could he have blacked out? As I said, he never, ever hit me in anger. Never lost control in anger other then yelling in my face if I angered him. Is it possible he really doesn't remember? Hard to believe, as he was standing there calm cool collected and in control, not acting too drunk...he wasn't falling over.. Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 the biggest part of the problem was that he really really got his rocks off on beating you. and its very very likely that he remembers hitting you, and did it consciously. Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Strength2, LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE! wow! Amazing how beautiful women think so little of themselves to allow men to treat them so bad! I know part of the mourning process is to ask why? how? when and try to figure out every little reaosn why they did this or that, but you'll never get any real answers. The bottom line is, you deserve more. You were not the dumper b/c you're codep. I am also codep and know the struggles. Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 GOD he just emailed me. I had written (I know, slap me) telling him what would be different. Here's what he wrote. HE IS SCARED OF ME??? all this is really confusing to me ..... i still dont understand how you changed in a weeks time .. everything your saying is totally different than you were saying a week ago ... to be honest im having a hard time believing you .. even if you think its the truth i question what the long term situationship would be .... i dont think i've said or done anything that ever surprised you about what i was looking for in a relationship ,, you knew where i was coming from and you said that we were both on the same page ,, we talked about it the first time we were ever together in the knights inn ... and then you changed !!! i never changed !!! i think a lot of the anger you have towards me or just anger in general comes from you really not wanting that kind of relationship , and you got mad because you think if you dont live the kind of life that we both talked about at the start of our relationship we wont make it ,, i still think your mad that you feel that your not enough for me and that i would ever want another woman ( you've told me this many times ) i just think your trying to get me back by doing something you really dont want to do , thats why i say to not lower your standards ... i dont see how you can now feel like threesoms or ok but not for the last three years ..... long before i ever touched robin i asked you if she would be someone you would be interested in and you said without a doubt yes !! but when the time came you got cold feet because deep down your really not into it !! not having threesoms was not a problem for me , over time you convinced me it was not worth the trouble to try to live that life with you .. i hope you dont think i left just because we wern't having threesoms !!! i know you dont like these emails that get us no where but i still say most of our problems came from you not wanting to live a wild life but thinking you had to or we would not make it ,, thats why i having such a hard time believing you changed over night , in fact i know you haven't changed your now just going to do something you really dont want to do to try to keep us together .... you had three years to live that kind of life with me !!!!!! im sure we would have a great time for 6 months or so but im afraid of you and im just really tired of fighting with you ,,, the last time we broke up we tried fixing things and getting into threesoms and living a wild life , we even joined aff and link removed. we got katherine involved,, it wasen't long lived .. you changed your mind again and said it just is not for you .. everytime we broke up and got back together things were great for a short time , great sex , fun , no fights , but we always end up right back here again ,, you say now your changed , you had a chance to change everytime we got back together !!!! its just not you and thats ok ,, you are who you are and i am who i am ,,, you paint a pretty picture of how great things can be ,and there are many couples that do live a very happy life and have a great relationship doing things together like that .. im just being honest when i say that i think our problems go mush deeper than just not having threesoms together ,, i still think something happened in your past or the way you were raised that has caused problems for you in most of your relationships , if not that its a fact you were a very spoiled only child and maybe that still has an affect on you somehow , i dont know ,,, i know i have my problems but i think for the most part im easy to get along with , i dont ask for much ,, all i ever asked for you said yes to in the knights inn because you thought thats what you wanted but i think time has shown its really not what you want .... having a threesom wont change all the other problems we have ,, i know your saying your now changed in every aspect and all of our problems are now solved ,, i guess in a nut shell i find that hard to believe based on our past and the past chances we had to make things right .....like i said at the start of this email , im very confused and i dont know what to think or believe What do you think he's thinking? I told him before if he didn't want me anymore just do not answer my email. but he answered and what in the world for...... how am i the bad guy ?? Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 wow, you really are buying his crap above all else arent you? Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 no! he is not even saying he wants to try so he's not feeding me "that line" of crap..... But I posted this so you could see how he is making it MY FAULT and I DONT THINK IT IS! I really know it isn't. I just want you to see how he's talking so you can understand what I'm dealing with now... now that I'm realizing I'm sleeping better.... if I told him you're right, don't believe me and never wrote again, do you think he'd drop off? I don't know what to do. or what I want. I SHOULD KNOW - I am intelligent, but emotionally..... well not so much obviously... ruled by emotions... Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 yeah i got that part. and we are all telling you its not your fault and you arent the abuser and you have repeatedly went back to 'in his defense' seriously. thats what you keep telling yourself. part of you wants to believe this is your fault, perhaps so that you could try and get him back because he doesnt want to come back. does that make sense? Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 His reply speaks loud and clear to me that he's not in his right mind! But on the other hand, he did tell you who he was and you still stayed with him If you don't want a 3some, why agree to it. I have to say, when reading this, my ex wasn't so screwed up and I kind of miss him ;-) You need to stay far away from this guy. I would not even reply to his that email he sent you. Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 yeah, actually it does make sense. My head is just a bit off due to the past 3 years of covert abuse, I think. And now, the abuser is telling me I was the insincere one. maybe... but only in the sense that he's right; I couldn't be a * * * * for his enjoyment if it included his other * * * * s. Hell, I am a Leo. My ego is too big for that, though I loved him or thought I did enough to try.... wanted to stay with him because of the physical attraction more than anything. he really has nothing else to offer - it was the sex (MINUS THE TIME HE HIT ME) that i liked.... and even more than that, it was a CHEMISTRY that was overwhelming, like a drug.... I could stare at him all day. I just got really tired of looking at his back. So i don't know. I think we are just TOXIC for one another and feed off one another and I don't want to live unhealthy any longer. I Want to be well. Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 thats the ticket girl. everything you said was 100% correct! Link to comment
strength6 Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 Do you think there's any way we can be well and healthy, together? We are like poison - he's right. we are two different people in our values and morals... but when you love someone, you will do anything for them, won't you? I just wish he would do it for me... he said he would (not want 3'somes) but I know it's not "Him" at heart.... and that's why I would rather make him happy. But the last 6 months... there was no sex, hardly between us! And considering he always went back to his ex (who never did 3somes) it really offended me. Part of me thinks he is in a perpetual mid-life state of mind... a mid-life crisis. he can get so angry, feels like a failure financially.... he has issues... i love him, i do, but i'm so damn tired of butting heads and his emotional unavailability, so when we break up, that's when he misses me. ugh Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 No. Why you ask? Because HE isnt healthy. HE is a very bad person, deep down and in his head HE is a very very unhealthy and dangerous person. There is nothing you can do to save him, nothing you can do to make it right. He is a predator of women, and a manipulator. Thats why he HAS to be so charming! He has to attract women with his cunning and lure them in because if they knew what he really was right off the bat no one would come near him. So he is a wolf in grandmas clothing until he can get his hooks in. He lives to do this to people. Its his way of amusing himself. He doesnt have empathy, and he doesnt have normal human emotions. Look up narcissism and sociopathy. see if you can identify the many things he's done to you through that. Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 psychopathy "Lack of a conscience in conjunction with a weak ability to defer gratification and/or control aggressive desires, often leads to antisocial behaviors. Psychopathy does not necessarily lead itself to criminal and violent behavior. Instead, psychopaths high in social cognition may be able to redirect their antisocial desires in a different, non-criminal manner. Psychopaths (and others on the pathological narcissism scale) low in social cognition are more prone to violence against others, failure in occupational settings, and problems maintaining relationships. All psychopaths differ in their impulse control abilities, and overall desires. Psychopaths high in the pathological narcissism scale are more equipped to succeed, but pathological narcissism does not in any way guarantee success." Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 "A sociopath is a person who has antisocial personality disorder. The term sociopath is no longer used to describe this disorder. The sociopath is now described as someone with antisocial personality disorder. The main characteristic of a sociopath is a disregard for the rights of others. Sociopaths are also unable to conform to what society defines as a normal personality. Antisocial tendencies are a big part of the sociopath’s personality. This pattern usually comes into evidence around the age of 15. If it is not treated, it can develop into adulthood. Visible symptoms include physical aggression and the inability to hold down a steady job. The sociopath also finds it hard to sustain relationships and shows a lack of regret in his or her actions. A major personality behavior trait is the violation of the rights of others. This can appear as a disregard for the physical or sexual wellbeing of another. Although these symptoms are all present, they may not always be evident. Research has shown that the sociopath is usually a person with an abundance of charm and wit. He or she may appear friendly and considerate, but these attributes are usually superficial. They are used as a way of blinding the other person to the personal agenda behind the sociopath’s behaviour. Many people with antisocial personality disorder frequently indulge in alcohol or drug use. They may use these substances heavily as a way of heightening their antisocial personality. The sociopath sometimes sees the world on his or her own terms, as a place of high drama and risky thrills. The sociopath may suffer from low self esteem, and the use of alcohol and drugs is a way to diminish these feelings." taken from: link removed Link to comment
summerpeach Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think you need to go easy on diagnosing people with a disorder. True her ex is somewhat sick, but unless we hear his side, you cannot diagnose anyone. Is there a way you two can be together? Well like anyone who has issues, they need to acknowledge them and get help for them first, then maybe they can have heathy/happy relationships. He's placing on the blame on you and not taking responsibiltiy for anything he did. What you need to do is get help for you and then think about your kids, then you can think about a relationship Link to comment
EQD Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 ^technically i didnt diagnose him with anything. watch my p's and q's Link to comment
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