LAYAAN Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 You can consider this a rant. so for last 1 year, I have talked to many men all of them were in "looking to get married" phase of mind and they said to me "well, your PhD is still going on. You say you will be able to get out in 1-max 2 years but I'm not ready to wait until then. I'm looking to get married ASAP, are you in or not? if not, next candidate please." Of course the last part of the line was not said, it was more reflected in the attitude. Recently, I got to talk about this to a man I was talking on n off for a long time (1 year) and he said "listen, I'm 36, I require a woman that will be a good wife. She need not even work, I'm okay with that and most importantly I want kids. So, will you be able to give me a yes/no in 3 months? I'm also talking to some other women and I'll consider marrying one of those." This morning, I talked to a man from my home country. He said 3-4 months ago, "we knew each other since a long time, why don't we consider taking it a step ahead and getting to know each other as bf/gf? I'll wait for you to finish your education. When you visit India, we can meet and see how we feel." I didn't hear from him for a long time until today, he said "oh well, my parents are trying to fix me up with someone, last time when we talked it was 3-4 months ago, and you are still not done with your PhD, so good luck with everything." I'm extremely restless. What cost am I paying for my dream? loneliness for life? Am I the only 1 in this boat? Will I end up with only a PhD and no husband ever? I feel that the world is moving on at the speed of a jet and I'm left behind. Should I just quit PhD and say yes to this man and just get married and have kids? What should I do? I've cried my eyes out and I've no clue what to do. I tried to pray but no prayer comes to my mind now. I just sit like a dumb before my God. I wonder if he even sees me, if he understands my situation? I prayed and cried to my God to get me admission into a PhD program and now when I am only 1-2 yrs away from it, I am not able to stay put. I'm afraid that I'll never get married. I'm afraid that all men on this earth will be married by the time I get out of school. What should I do? I talked to my mom today and she said "I can tell you to leave PhD but if your marriage falls apart, you have lost education and marriage. So, no matter what I'll tell you to stick it out at PhD. Nobody can gurantee that a marriage would run smooth. I understand your fears that may be after 1-2 yrs you may not get a man and if thats what is destined, I can't change it. But noone has said that you won't find a man after 32. So, girl, take heart and finish what you have started. You will atleast get a degree." I can't think straight anymore. Please help me. I can't write anything after this. I'm so numb. Thank you. Link to comment
caro33 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 You are just meeting some men on different timeframes from you, with different life goals. You'll finish the PhD and then be wondering 'what next?'. That's when you'll meet and/or marry the guy that values your commitment to your education and wants to be with you for you, not just because you are single and they are advertising for an incubator. PhDs are time consuming but not life consuming, you can still meet that great guy right now. Having a baby while doing the PhD - particularly in the final year - is probably not something to plan for (having done the PhD and had the baby I can tell you the two things are not highly aligned) but there's no reason why you can't be setting yourself up now to achieve these things in a timeframe that suits you. You are not in the running right now for the last available man, with a cut off time of 12-18 months. You are certainly receiving some disheartening messages, but these guys are not the right ones for you, it's clear. If they were, there's wouldn't be any of this weird pressure... Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 caro33, thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate it. It gives me some courage. I'm not only in PhD program, I'm also finishing my pharmacy internship and studying for board. Yes, even if I meet the right man now, I'm NOT thinking of kids. I totally agree with you, PhD gets intense in last 1-2 years when you are trying to wrap things and graduate. I totally feel the heat now. Link to comment
penelope13 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 eh, don't give up your PhD, for anybody! as to the men: it is not really the PhD per se (if you would be in a different program it would boil down to the same thing): they are simply in a different phase of their life, and they are not willing to wait for you. READ: they are so not worthy of you. Or maybe they are just using the PhD as an excuse. READ: they are not worthy of you. Sorry you have to go through this when you are so busy with something so important in your life. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 You need to start looking at different men, or maybe stop looking for men who "want to get married", as that is a load of pressure that you don't need right now. Start looking for men who value education and understand the pressures. And lets face it, those guys seemed to be looking for a wife, and it didn't matter who it was. That's not a good thing. Try men who are more interested in you than the function they want you to serve. Link to comment
caro33 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 By the way, I met the man who would be my husband when I was 32, had the baby at 34. Link to comment
DN Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I don't think it is right to say that men are not 'worthy' of you because they want something you are not willing to provide right now. That would be like saying you are not 'worthy' of them because you are not willing to do what they want. People have a right to want what they want and to pursue it if they can. If you want a PhD and are willing to put off marriage and children that is your right - and you should follow that dream if it is important to you. But if the men you meet want to marry and have children soon that is their dream and they have as much right to pursue it as you do yours. Link to comment
maynards_razorblade69 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 You should be immensely proud of yourself for doing a PhD - that is the most remarkable achievement. It's more of an achievement than settling down and getting married, for NOW. One day, that will be fantastic, but at the moment, education is incredibly important to you. Don't sacrifice this opportunity because you want to settle down - that will come. And one day, you will find a man that will appreciate your dedicated to education and will want to to marry you. Don't worry about it for now, just continue with your studies! Good luck! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I like Caro's advice a great deal. I finished grad school at 28 and no, I wouldn't have given that up to be married at that time (I was engaged to the wrong guy before I started grad school and if we had married I likely would have delayed grad school until we had a family - when the kids were mostly grown. Glad I didn't! In my case, I would not have met my husband had I not attended grad school because my post-grad job was specific to my degree and I met him at that job (I also found that I clicked better with guys who chose to work in the same field as me, often because they could relate to the time pressures/time commitment which is more difficult to find when it is the woman with the high pressure job). Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 If you want a guy like that what you will be getting is a guy who is simply looking to make a check mark in the list of life accomplishments that he has drafted. He is looking for a woman who wants to fulfill the role of "his wife" and "mother of his children" and it seems like anyone will do. I have known plenty of people who didn't let the PhD get in the way of marriage and children. Do not walk away from your dreams of getting a PhD simply because a few men have a more pressing timetable. You are never too old to find love. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 lol - why do you want my opinion? i'm single too! i dunno what to tell you. well, i do. I have plenty of friends in my PhD program that are married with kids, engaged, or single, like myself. i don't think that being in a PhD program means you can't get married, i don't see the two as mutually exclusive. and some people have their children during the PhD program. it's not easy, but it can be done. I see a lot of relationships between fellow PhD students. it's obviously good when the two people in the relationship understand each others' lives and the kinds of stresses they are under. of my PhD friends who are married or engaged, most of them are with other PhD students. some aren't, and they met someone within the same field, but at a different educational level. i think you shouldn't feel pressured to marry someone who seems to be filling out a check list rather than wanting to be with you! and i agree with your mother - it's good to have an education, no matter what. obviously, none of us get phds for the great money or the fun hours, but because it's something we are passionate about. Another thing to think about - when you meet a guy who says he wants to be married and have kids soon, would you be willing to do that? i mean, i don't see any reason why you can't get married. even if you got engaged tomorrow, you probably wouldn't get married for another 6 months -1 year, while planning the wedding, etc..... and then it still takes 9 months to cook a baby. So, I don't see why you can't get engaged tomorrow and still finish your PhD and have a baby. maybe you should point this out to the guys you go on a date with if they bring it up. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 PS - 1-2 more years?! just like me. just finish it out! (though i know the temptations to drop out!!!!) sigh. but what would you do if you dropped out? what if your husband lost his job and you had to find work. wouldn't it be good to have that degree? Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thank you Annie for replying to my message. I appreciate it. The reason why I wanted your take is b'coz you are in PhD program and single (like me). Well, I was on EH for a year trying to find a suitable man. I did meet a few men and I realized that - the fact that my PhD is still going on and I don't think I'll graduate in - I don't have a job and pharmaceutical industries are mostly on east coast. Many men I met wondered if I'll push them to leave CA after marriage due to this reason. (In fact, I told them that they need not worry about it b'coz I have a p'cy degree so once I get a license, I can transfer it to any state and I'm very open to relocate to any state as well.) - most Indian men (except 2) that I met were in northern CA, so given the issue of geographical distance, my PhD added another dimension to the problem. - my pharmacy internship is still going on along with my PhD which really worsens my case b'coz I really can't get out of town much. My intern license has an expiration date and I need to complete my hours and pass boards. Oh well, my EH subscription is over, I've chosen not to renew it. I'm trying to find some peace of mind amidst all this. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 I don't think it is right to say that men are not 'worthy' of you because they want something you are not willing to provide right now. That would be like saying you are not 'worthy' of them because you are not willing to do what they want. People have a right to want what they want and to pursue it if they can. If you want a PhD and are willing to put off marriage and children that is your right - and you should follow that dream if it is important to you. But if the men you meet want to marry and have children soon that is their dream and they have as much right to pursue it as you do yours. very well said... completely agree. Thank you for putting it so clearly. This is the attitude I need to develope. This is also what I've seen so far, "I'll get what I want. If not with you, with someone else. But I'll certainly get what I want." Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Finish PHD. You put yourself too much at your husbands mercy otherwise. He won't see it as you sacrificing your education, he will see it as your desire to be dependent on him and a traditional wife. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 From your other threads it sounds like the Phd was not a real obstacle but rather your (past??) attitude, mindset and behavior with respect to dating and meeting people. You seem to be working hard on some changes- great! Blaming your education level based on a few men who seem to be on a different timetable will hamper your progress in self-awareness and attitude shifting. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 From your other threads it sounds like the Phd was not a real obstacle but rather your (past??) attitude, mindset and behavior with respect to dating and meeting people. You seem to be working hard on some changes- great! Blaming your education level based on a few men who seem to be on a different timetable will hamper your progress in self-awareness and attitude shifting. Thank you Batya, Yes, accepting 'my education is okay' was something that didn't come to me easy. I was fighting with that as well along with many other issues I had. But when I accepted myself, I felt much better. I agree with your last line. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thank you everyone for guiding and supporting me through this difficult phase. It really means a lot to me. I'm so glad I have found ENA. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 I really hope you finish your PHD because it is something you want. Men won't understand that and will not have sympathy for you or understand what you go through if you don't. I know, because I am a man. Most of us don't think like you. Link to comment
annie24 Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 tinu - what about meeting indian men through university? most major universities have an indian student association, why not start there? i think that the men who will be most understanding of your situation will be ones who are graduate students themselves. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted February 9, 2009 Author Share Posted February 9, 2009 good Q annie. There are not very many Indian men around here. Those that are here, well, I don't find them attractive and they drink, smoke and party. I've more of a low-key lifestyle. I'm looking for a compatible match. Link to comment
CaptainPlanet Posted February 9, 2009 Share Posted February 9, 2009 Have you considered white men ? They can tend to be more sympathetic to feminine issues because of the difference in culture. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 I think the men who are using, "but you have a PhD" is just an excuse...and it's easy to use that as a 'reason' because there is nothing you can do about not having one. I have a few friends with PhDs, most of them married, two of them (women) to men who don't even have a Bachelor's degree. I suspect it may have something to do with something else they don't like about you, not your PhD. Link to comment
purpleduckie Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 this was an interesting thread to read. i want to go for a phD after my bsc, but i have the same fear you do. 'm scared of not ending up married when i'm done. i wanted to be married by 24 or 26... but i really don't see that happening for me. i'm looking for more life experience before then. i love how so many women in this thread putted marriage on hold for their education. that's really admirable and inspiring. do what your heart wants. people these days are getting married at much later age than before. Link to comment
shikashika Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 this was an interesting thread to read. i want to go for a phD after my bsc, but i have the same fear you do. 'm scared of not ending up married when i'm done. i wanted to be married by 24 or 26... but i really don't see that happening for me. i'm looking for more life experience before then. i love how so many women in this thread putted marriage on hold for their education. that's really admirable and inspiring. do what your heart wants. people these days are getting married at much later age than before. I don't understand how getting married would stop you from getting a Phd or getting a Phd would stop you from getting married. My female friends who have a PhD, only one is not married. And I think I said this in another thread, but any secure guy is not going to be threatened by a woman with a PhD... I have friends who are university profs and their husbands never even went to university. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.