I Really Need Some Advice On This!!!!

[Country_Girl]

My parents have been married almost 20 years now. I am the oldest child and i have 2 younger brothers. Back in August I found out my mom was having an affair. and then over the next few months she was possibly seeing 3 different men, with 2 being a definite yes. The day i found out about it I confronted her about and she said she would stop, but i knew that it wouldn't be that easy.

 

After that, she continued to cheat. As this went on i found emails she had printed off from the other men, i got into her email and printed off a few from the other men, i found hotel receipts, i got my hands on her cell phone and got their numbers and a few of the text messages, and now i even keep track of the mileage on her car. Every time i found out something i would confront her about and of course she would lie. but sometimes i would confront her things i already knew just to see if she would tell me truth and she would lie. Then she tries to make me feel guilty about the whole situation when i accuse her of something and she denies it. I am suspicious of her all the time, but i also don't want to falsely accuse her of doing anything when she isn't. she tells me to stop worrying about and then tells me that i am crazy and that i need to go see a therapist! but all i have done is told her to stop and let it be known that she isn't getting away with this. I'm just so confused!!

 

the worst part of this is that my dad has no clue about what she is doing. the people that know about are me, my brothers, my grandma, and some trusted adults that i know. Everyone tells me that i should tell my dad but i'm so scared of what might happen.

 

Should i tell my dad about it? i feel that it wrong to keep it from him, but i also don't want to see my family torn apart, see my dad get hurt or risk my dad being angry at me for not telling him.

 

This has been going on for 5 or 6 months now, and she still hasn't stopped even though i have threatened to tell my dad. so should i just tell him or what?? because i don't know how much longer i can deal with this burden. It's becoming to much for me to handle. I could write a book series on everything that has happened in these last few months.lol

 

If anyone wants to suggest anything, please do. i would like to know what other people would do in this situation.

[waveseer]

You know your dad better than anyone here, would he want to know?

[Country_Girl]

thats the thing. he would probably want to know, but then again it would cause him so much pain. over the last 2 years he lost his dad in an accident, after that he fell out of a building and broke his back, and now he has to help take care of his ailing grandmother in which my mom helps too. this is so hard to decide. but thanks for your reply.

[waveseer]

I wouldn't tell him unless I was certain that he would want to know.

 

I would also make copies of all the evidence and give them to my mom to show her just how deep and hot the water is that she's in.

[lostandhurt]

Country Girl,

 

No child should be in the situation you find yourself in. You have nothing to be guilty about at all. It is your mothers lying and betrayal that has caused all this and it won't stop. Obviously this is already tearing your family apart but your father doesn't know it yet. Your mother has chosen a life of lies and selfishness you will never understand and by her making you guilty about it shows just how little she cares for her family.

 

It might be best to give her the chance to tell your father herself and if she chooses to continue to lie then ask an adult you have confided in to speak to your father.

Any mother that would let her child carry this burden is not thinking very clearly. No matter what happens or what you choose this is not your fault. You did not cause this your mother did and if your father does divorce your mother it will be because of her actions not yours.

 

 

Please keep posting

 

lost

[luvs2kayak]

I would keep the message simple with your mom. Tell her that either she comes clean to your dad, or you will. Give her a limited timeframe to do it. And then, if she chooses not to tell him, you have every right to do so.

 

It is heartbreaking that you have this burden on yourself. I would not pursue further surveillance of your mother. You have enough evidence against her, and you don't need to put any more effort into finding more.

 

Take care of you.

[Country_Girl]

this situation all developed while i was at band camp. and when i found out my feelings were indescribable. The person i confide in is my ag teacher at school and she has helped me realize that it isnt my fault and she couldn't believe it when i told her that my mom was trying to blame it on me. I am very mature for my age and i have never gave my parents any kind of trouble, especially trouble that would tear them apart. i cant believe my mom did this and it continually puts me through hell everyday. it really sucks when you cant trust a word that comes out of your mothers mouth. she has become a whole other person since this has happened.

[IndigoEye]

I'm hoping you can get it off your heart without putting it on your father's improperly. Your mother SHOULD bear the responsibility.

 

Ask her if she cares that she's hurting you all. Tell her how much it hurts. How old are your brothers?

[Country_Girl]

One is 14 and 12. I have talked to them about, but they are still to immature to properly understand the situation. It's so hard not to think about it though. I try not to but it never works.

[DN]

If she has had sex with multiple men then she has had multiple chances of contracting an STD that she could pass on to your father.

 

He deserves to be protected against that possibility - if it isn't already too late.

[IndigoEye]

I went through this at age six. I hope I can help you with it and will try to.

 

You won't be able to put it out of your mind. How could you? You'll have to assimilate into your life now. It's unfortunate but it is something that you can survive.

 

It's impossible to solve it all at once so you'll have to think about it being a longer-term situation to find resolve for.

 

Will help as you have specific questions if you like.

[abouttime]

If you love your father you will tell him. All you will be doing is bringing things to a head. Then they will have to work it out one way or another. Your mother is doing something that is destroying the family already. If it continues it will effect your younger brothers and when your father finds out he will be angry if it hurts them. You must have no part in this other then outing your mom and then back off completely. This is not at burden you should be bearing. You or your brothers. The only chance for reconciliation is bringing everything into the light. You mom needs to see the pain she has inflicted on everyone. There is one way. It will be extremely painful. And your father has to know to accomplish it. An intervention. All of your family know. So all of your family confronts her. This is entirely up to your father because it is his marriage. Please tell him, your mother is doing incredible damage to you and your brothers. If it means choosing between your mom or your dad. The non offending parent is owed your support. You must all have a united front.

[xxxbite]

i would like to know what other people would do in this situation.

 

Personally I would have told my mother the minute I found out that if she didnt tell him instantly I would (The only time I wouldnt, is if I knew expressley that he wouldnt want to know, which I personally find hard to imagine). I probably wouldnt have much of a relationship with her from that point as a sustained attempt at deceit of this nature disgusts me beyond my reasoning. I wouldnt look at it as tearing a family apart, she would have done that already with her actions. *This assumes that my father still loves my mother, treats her decently etc*

 

On the other hand, my advice to others would be to follow a similar thread to luvs2kayak's post in terms of adding a timeframe. Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best, and really feel for the situation you have been put in

[Country_Girl]

I do love him, but i also love him enough to not tell him. To abouttime- thanks for your advice and i will consider what you said if i decide to tell him. i am just scared of the affect it could have on my future, because i have about a year till i graduate high school and then i have to think about college, and i'm worried that him finding out could affect my future.

[IndigoEye]

It will affect your future. How old are your parents?

[Country_Girl]

xxxbite- thanks for your advice and for your concern. i probably would have told my dad as soon as i found out but then i thought of what has happened to him in the last few years and i couldnt tell him after i thought about it. but i'm starting to realize that i cannot keep this to my self anymore.

[Country_Girl]

their both 40 years old.

[IndigoEye]

OK. Wondering about things like their maturity and where they are in life.

[waveseer]

The saddest part of all of this is that he may be well aware and just not know what to do.

[abouttime]

It has already affected your future. If you don't tell him and he finds out by some other means (and there are a lot of people who know). And then he finds out that you know and didn't tell him. He could look at you as making him subject to ridicule and a laughing stock. The only thing worse then him knowing. Is your mom continually making him a cuckold (the worst possible thing you could do to a man).

[IndigoEye]

On what R2H said, those are the things I'm thinking about when I say don't move too fast. There may be baggage between them that you don't know about, etc. Many things possible.

[MyheartorHis]

I am going through the same thing. I have no certain proof yet, but I know she is. And I think my dad has an idea she is, too. I think I'm going to talk to him about it... as much as it hurts. I think you should, too. My best wishes goes to you and your family... I'm so sorry this is happening. If you want to talk about it, PM me!

[blue69]

I hope you find the strength and courage to do what you feel is best. I get the impression that you really want to tell your dad, but you know he will be hurt and you find it difficult to bring this up.

 

Please keep in mind that the marriage is between them. This is not your marriage and you dont have the burden of saving it or destroying it. That is between them.

 

Personally I believe you should tell you dad. He has the right to address this relationship and make his own decisions.

 

Good luck.

[savignon]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this at such a young age! Having to consider your father's feelings, your mothers lies, and your 2 siblings is quite a lot for a young woman. Consider presenting the information (printouts) to your father and saying, "I don't know what all this means, but I'm afraid mom is lying to us"....or something that puts it on him to figure out and understand. If it makes you feel any better--I think if you were able to figure it out and other adults know, that your dad might know more than you think. Adults are pretty keen about figuring these things out and if he's injured with his back or relies on her in different ways, he may not be in a position to confront her at the moment.

In the meantime, for your own well-being, consider setting up a meeting with your councilor at school. It's free and maybe you can schedule it during a class you don't like This way you're leaning on someone who is there for *you* whether or not your parents work this out. Relatives sometimes can have their own agenda for whatever reason.

Best wishes to you!!

[Country_Girl]

I would like to thank everyone for their advice and support. It means alot!!