Should I have ignored this?

[blackgnat]

First of all, I had NEVER been on Facebook before, until last night.

 

I have to admit I was bored and doing some detective work about my FWB. I didn't even know he had a Facebook page and was surprised to see it. He had an extensive list of photos of friends.

 

I was not on it.

 

After 8 years of knowing him. Having gone through lots of personal and sexual experiences together. A couple of other people that he has known and admitted that he's discarded in the past were now up there. A couple of women that I know are friends of his sisters', not him, were up there. One of these friends is now dating HIS ex, with whom he had a very tempestuous relationship was up there, so he can now link to HER.

 

But not me.

 

So, I sent him an email expressing my feelings-not over emotional, just saying I was astonished that after all we'd been through and how long we'd known each other, he didn't even value or respect me enough to include me in his circle of friends. That I was just the Sure Thing he calls every now and then for booty (even though we talk and interact in other ways-we were planning on writing a book together, he offered me a job as his virtual assistant and I have helped him many times with his website content, as English is not his first language)

 

I feel kind of liberated, because the "benefits" part is no longer working for me. But a little seed in my mind feels I acted immaturely. I am the type of person who likes to get feelings out. I think if I'm going to end this (and this is probably going to be The End for me) that he should know why. Despite the popularity of NC on here, I don't like ignoring people. I'd rather fade out or just make my point, not labor it, or be over emotional or overdramatic and then not expect to hear from the person, unless they want to discuss it further.

 

Would YOU have sent an email? We were only texting each other last week! So, it really did hurt me that I don't even RATE, after 8 years.....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is your wake up call. if he's just a FWB where you have no intentions or hopes of getting serious, this shouldn't bother you. But it means you are more invested in him than you should be as a FWB. FWBs have no strings, which means he has no expectations, even at pretending you are anything other than sex buddies.

 

But you should consider this a GOOD thing, because it shows you where you stand with him. He's happy to pick up some free and easy sex like driving thru a fast food drivethru and picking up a burger, but it doesn't mean you are anything more to him than a snack.

 

He may be very confused at your response if he thought you both understood you were just casual friends and he didn't owe you anything. this would have been a topic better talked about on the phone than in an email, but since you've done it, it is probably a good time to let go and move on, if he isn't as into you as you are into him.

 

btw, i had a friend who was the king of FWBs with lots of women. He told me his motto for FWBs was 'no drama.' As soon as there was any drama with a woman getting upset or attaching strings to the situation, he'd drop her because he wasn't interested in a relationship and the woman was getting too involved if things upset her. So don't be surprised if you don't hear from him either, or if he stops pursuing you as a FWB.

[Karmageddon]

So, you are basically saying you thought you had a FWB relationship and you found out it was just a WB relationship?

 

Well, it will be interesting to see what he says. But I wouldn't personally have sent the email. FWB is to ambiguous, it seems when you read about them, there is always something like this that crops up. People have different expectations, so someone usually seems to get their nose out of joint.

[agent1607307371]

It's Facebook.

 

I wouldn't have sent it.

[KarateKate]

Facebook is kind of a touchy thing. The pictures on my facebook are pretty random and not necessarily a good indicator of who's actually important in my life. Also, since other people's pictures can appear under your account, some of the pictures may not have come from him. I don't have any pictures of my boyfriend on my facebook, and obviously, he's my most important friend. In fact, my "status" still reads that I'm single. My boyfriend doesn't post any pictures himself-all the pictures on his page come from other people. The friends you see in his pictures aren't his closest friends, either.

Some people pay a lot of attention to their facebook and the message it sends, but others do not. It's not always a good indicator of how someone feels about you.

[blackgnat]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I don't know if I made my position clear-I am pretty unavailable emotionally myself. At one point I was crazy about this guy and really wanted something more than FWB-we were friends for 3 years before anything sexual happened.

 

Over the years, I have come to expect nothing more from him than some great conversations and some sex. It's not a frequent thing. I really don't want a dating relationship with him and do see him as someone I can talk to intelligently. Some of our personal circumstances are very similar and unusual, which is part of the bond we share.

 

But I'm starting to realise more and more that he doesn't even see me in the same way. He really does have issues with a lot of things. He has always told me that we will always be in each other's lives and feels that I am one of the people who is special to him.

 

I guess that's why I'm hurt.

 

And as for the poster who wrote "It's Facebook". As I said, I'd never been on it before, so your implication means nothing to me. As in ,I don't understand what you mean-sorry if that sounded snotty! Is Facebook just meaningless?

 

Anyhoo, his excluding me from his friends photo gallery, well, it's just probably a good excuse for me to scale back and focus more on myself and having healthier relationships, if that's possible.

 

AND-we RARELY phone each other (yeah, big red flag, I know) and usually communicate by text or email, so no way in hell would I be talking about this on the phone-I told you he had issues....hahaha!

[blackgnat]

Should I apologise to him for over-reacting?

 

Or just leave it alone? He probably won't acknowledge it, but I would prefer to go out with any dignity I can muster by saying sorry....

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I don't think you overreacted, you acted true to your own feelings. If you are indeed very good friends and he doesn't include you in that list, you would be hurt.

 

But i think he just showed you where you were at with him, i.e., you consider him much closer to you then he considers you close to him.

 

So i wouldn't necessarily apologize, but if he contacts you again, you might tell him it is obvious that there is a discrepancy between the way you feel about each other, so it is best for you to bow out of the FWB thing. And if you really feel bad about the email, you could call him and tell him that.

[blackgnat]

Thanks, BSBH-I always read your posts because I think you give the most awesome, common sense and reliable advice.

 

I DID cave and wrote him, saying I was sorry for the email, that it was unnecessary for me to have gone through our history (I had basically referenced many events where I had been supportive and how much I enjoyed his company and wanted him to succeed, etc, so that's why I couldn't believe I was so down on the list that I wasn't in the friends gallery) I also told him that someone had explained how Facebook sometimes works and his friendships are none of my business.

 

I then wished him Happy Holidays.

 

None of this has been (or probably will be) acknowledged. Just one more little Jenga block to add to the toppling tower.

 

Not at the healthy point yet where I can have the" cut him off" conversation yet. His pattern is to disappear for weeks/months and by that time we start it up again.

 

Or not. I think if he does contact, though I think ignoring is rude, I will just not respond. I'm tired of the head games and the end result isn't worth it. We're using each other and I am the one who is losing, because even though my interest in him is diminishing, I doubt his has been at the same level as mine is NOW!!! (Except when he was in hot pursuit) I'm just trying to rekindle something that doesn't even exist.

 

Ugh.

[abitbroken]

First of all....if you had NEVER been on Facebook before you wouldn't be on his friends list. If you just made a profile now, how would he know you were there before? You couldn't be on his friend's gallery unless you were a member and he was aware of you being a member, etc.

 

I am on Facebook. Some people I know well are on Facebook and they didn't become my "friend" though until they sent me a friend request. I never really hunt for people's names I know, etc. So, some aquaintances or people I have not seen in years are my friends, but only ONE of my closest friends because I just don't seek everyone out. Heck, my best friend - i talk to her all the time so i don't need FB to keep track of what she is up to. My cousin who is overseas. Yes, definitely on my FB so we can keep in touch.

 

So I am of the school that it may not really be that big if you are not one of his facebook friends.

 

If you want to be...send him a friend request. Otherwise maybe he does know you are on there but didn't want you to feel awkward about having him on YOUR page, or maybe he just is the type of person that adds when requested.

 

I know maybe people don't feel the way I do...

 

But if you decided you were embarrassed or sorry for what you said...you could always send him an "oops" that you didn't know how facebook worked to cover your butt

[blackgnat]

Yes, I did send him an "oops" apology but his reaction was to say "I hope you didn't write anything compromising on that site. Now I am worried. We need to talk".

 

I replied and told him that I hadn't written anything at all.

 

It sickens me that he only cares about how he is perceived by others-he only wanted to talk because he was afraid that I might have been indiscreet about our so-called "relationship". There were quite a few women in the friends place-I have no doubt that he is screwing around with them.

 

It just comes down to the fact that I am not worthy, in his eyes, to be even seen with in public or known about. It is over for me.

 

SO why do I feel guilty?

 

I am having such a hard time forgiving myself for not curbing my impulses. No matter what I found, I shouldn't have called him on it-now he is being self-righteous.

[blackgnat]

abitbroken-thanks for the info about Facebook-that's EXACTLY what happened! I am not interested in it and don't have a page or anything. I didn't know how it worked. That's why I felt so guilty after I had ripped him a new one about not being in the friends gallery.

 

Ugh.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

>>It just comes down to the fact that I am not worthy, in his eyes, to be even seen with in public or known about. It is over for me.

 

I don't think that it's a case of you not being 'worthy', it's more likely a case that he is leading a whole lot of women on and doesn't want them to know about each other or he'll get less booty if any of them dump him over it.

 

This guy isn't worth your time. He sounds like a player using a lot of women and hence worried about keeping them from knowing about each other, so i'd just break it off with him and write him off.

[waveseer]

He didn't have you up there so he would never be put into the awkward position of having to explain his relationship with you to another woman of potential interest.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, ready2heal might be right. Perhaps he has a girlfriend now, or one he is working on, and doesn't want her to see other women or get jealous of what is on his myspace (blow his cover).

 

So all roads lead back to you're just a booty call for him, so i'd just break it off with him and find someone who treats you with more respect.

[laisla]

back up a bit, if you do not participate on facebook why would he include you in his friends pictures? i'm sure he didn't put pictures of every one in his life. could he have just forgotten?

[blackgnat]

Sorry-la'isla, I didn't understand how Facebook worked, which is why I made a SUPERWRONG assumption that he was excluding me. That's why I feel like such an a$$, because he COULDN'T have put me up there anyway. That part was totally my fault, which is why he got mad at me.

 

But my email to him and all the subsequent correspondence is just symptomatic of the fact that I don't matter to him like I once thought I did and I guess I'm trying to force some kind of closure about the whole dysfunctional situation.

 

To BSBH and ready2heal, I agree with you that he'll be seeing at least one of those women, probably more. He's been isolating himself recently (he has LOTS of issues!) but never does without sex for very long. Once he told me that he had been with three different women that week. He told me that they all admired the girth of his penis (can I say that on here?) and he was deadly serious about telling me this. He also told me that one year, he'd had sex with 56 women.

 

So I'm sure he would have hated me to write anything-which was why he showed such concern when I told him I'd been on his Facebook page. He didn't reassure me that I was an important person in his life (though he did say that my beliefs that I was nothing more than a booty call were unfounded) but he DID want to us to talk about it-we normally communicate by text and email, so I KNEW he was panicking when he actually wanted to pick up the phone and discuss it.

 

What a prize!

[blackgnat]

And in the end, I just emailed him that I would never say anything "compromising" about him, because I am not malicious, so he doesn't even have to put himself out to have to talk to me.

 

It must be exhausting being him and having to deal with so many lies-I should have let him sweat it out a bit, but I think I just didn't want to deal with it any more.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh wow, i wouldn't have sex with this guy based on the number of partners he has per year... i think 56 is WAY over the top and promiscuous, and cruising to spread STDs, no matter how cautious he claims to be.

 

Just break it off with him... he using women as his sex supply, not really treating them as friends or partners. Sounds like a sex addict to me.

[Batya33]

I agree that Facebook should not be taken personally.

 

I think it's very hard to define the difference, if any, between a sex buddy and a friend you have sex with occasionally. I don't think either should have any sort of label or status - it's just two people having intercourse when they're in the mood to have intercourse.

 

To me it's the same thing for purposes of "no strings attached" - you owe each other nothing other than if either of you knows you have an STD you are obligated to warn the other and of course the sex should always be consensual. I think it's a typical risk whenever two people decide to have sex when they happen to be horny with no strings attached - that one person will lie to themselves about being more attached than physically/sexually or that one person will read into the friendship - if there is one - some sort of expectation or obligation about the sex.