Dumpers

[gundr1kr]

Many posts that I read are from the dumpees. To all of us it appears that our partners are walking out out of a significant relationship effortlessly & with little pain. I would like to hear from some of the dumpers - particularly those that have felt " i loved him / her but was not in love" when they left. What emotions do you guys feel. Is there any of you that realised that the pain you felt was an issue within yourself as opposed to a relationship issue???

Have any of you turned around and gone back??

Would love to hear from the other side - or any of you that have been dumped for this reason and somehow reconcilled at a later stage.

 

Thanks

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When i've dumped someone, i've felt sad that it did not work out, sorry that i hurt the other person, sorry that i lost someone from my life that i liked, but not enough to be in a relationship with.

 

there was lots of pain and thought that went into the decision to leave, and it was not done lightly. but by the time i decided to leave, i knew the relationship was dead and that working on things wouldn't change anything because we just weren't compatible enough.

 

i never ended a relationship without the surety in my mind that it was over and couldn't be fixed, so i've never gone back to someone once i made the decision to leave.

[gundr1kr]

When i've dumped someone, i've felt sad that it did not work out, sorry that i hurt the other person, sorry that i lost someone from my life that i liked, but not enough to be in a relationship with.

 

there was lots of pain and thought that went into the decision to leave, and it was not done lightly. but by the time i decided to leave, i knew the relationship was dead and that working on things wouldn't change anything because we just weren't compatible enough.

 

i never ended a relationship without the surety in my mind that it was over and couldn't be fixed, so i've never gone back to someone once i made the decision to leave.

 

Would you still continue to contact that person? What if you were friends before? Would you still want to be friends?

 

PS - I was asking to find out why an ex would continue to do this. I dont want to be friends with them.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

It would probably be awkward. You know they still want you and you broke their heart, and you don't want to lead them on and have them think you'll get back together.

 

So you don't have hard feelings towards them, but know that friendship under the circumstances is not always possible or even a good idea. A clean break helps people heal faster and move on.

[catfish1199]

When i've dumped someone, i've felt sad that it did not work out, sorry that i hurt the other person, sorry that i lost someone from my life that i liked, but not enough to be in a relationship with.

 

there was lots of pain and thought that went into the decision to leave, and it was not done lightly. but by the time i decided to leave, i knew the relationship was dead and that working on things wouldn't change anything because we just weren't compatible enough.

 

i never ended a relationship without the surety in my mind that it was over and couldn't be fixed, so i've never gone back to someone once i made the decision to leave.

 

What do you think about a situation like mine where we were in love for 7 years and engaged? We know we were compatible and had an intense love. We apparently grew apart in a relatively short period of time.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

if he all of a sudden gives you the 'i love you but i'm not in love wiht you' speech and takes a powder, i would suspect the problem might be he met someone else he wants to chase. so before you rush into trying to get him back or make friends with him, do a little detective work to see if he's already dating someone else.

 

there's also something called the 'seven year itch', where a lot of relationships fall apart at 7 years. you've had time to really get to know one another, and boredom and familiarity can slip in. and if someone else comes along that he finds really attractive, all of a sudden he thinks he's in love, when it's just new love infatuation hormones that would fade with time. but he compares that infatuation feeling with the mature love feeling and thinks it means he isn't in love.

 

So before you get too far into the wanting to be friends to get him back mode, make sure you do some solid looking around to see if he's already dating someone or has a new girlfriend. Many people think, 'oh he'd never do that,' but in most cases he did.

 

don't rush to be friends with him if he's dating someone else or it will break your heart. spend some time healing, and if in a few months you feel better, maybe try to be friends then, but only if it doesn't hurt you to see him with someone else, or if he's not dating and wants to try with you again.

[testcase]

Yea basically BeStrongsBeHappys last post seems to hit that nail on the head. I was in a similar situation where my ex left and some of the best advice I heard what was don't be surprised if shes in another relationship... Well I was still surprised and I haven't talked to her in a long time but yea she was in another relationship who knows how short after she left me.... We were talking the whole time and I had no idea.

 

I'd agree to see if you can find anything out, then if you do proceed with caution. Finding out that my ex was already with someone else was about the nail in the coffin and I know I couldn't take the "friends" path to get her back.

[justletgo07]

Regarding the perspective of the dumper in the "love, but not in love" situation, there are several good resources you should look into. The first is a book called "Uncoupling." It pretty much goes through the whole break up process and the mindset of the dumper and dumpee from the first moments that the dumper begins to feel that something is wrong. As explained in the book, part of the reason that they appear to walk away from the relationship easily and with little pain is because they've already gone through the greiving process (at least to a degree), they've already established a network of support for themselves, and because they've been distancing themselves from you gradually for months.

 

The other source I actually found on another forum like this one, and was written from the perspective of a dumper. I will include the post below:

 

"1. I'm in a relationship, and have been for a while now. My partner is happy. My family and friends are happy. Everyone assumes we will be together forever. Except me.

 

2. Something is missing - I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason I find myself not as happy as I was when we were first together. Small things are beginning to irritate me that didn't before.

 

3. Every day, it slips more. I'm beginning to find myself wishing I had time to myself. I'm keeping a happy face though. I keep telling him that I love him, hoping that I can believe in that again but it doesn't seem to be working. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to end this - but every day that goes by, the little things are adding up. Irritations. Quirks that once were cute to me set my teeth on edge. The sex is beginning to suffer. I shut my eyes and wait for it to be over. I feel so guilty doing this.

 

4. He's on to me. I think he knows, because he has been asking a lot 'what's wrong' or 'is there someone else?'. I'm more quiet now. I still tell him that I love him but only if he insists on asking or knowing. I don't feel it though. Its such a horrible feeling to look into his face and say "I love you" when I feel like I don't anymore. I feel like I have to say it now. The guilt is overwhelming. What would my friends think? My family? What will he do if I leave him? Why does he have to be so happy with me, when I'm not happy with him?

 

5. I can't take this any more. Its been four months now since I started feeling this way. Every day is another step downhill for me. I have to get away to think this over. This is so f*cking difficult, but I tell him that I need some time and space to think things over. Once I am on my own and I think about it, I realize fully that I am not happy with him any more. I want things to be the way they were when we were first together, but I know him better now - I realize I fell in love with what I had hoped our relationship would be. The man I fell in love with doesn't even exist. Now that I've gotten to know him really well, I realize that this relationship with him isn't what I need. I can never be happy with him.

 

6. I tell him that we can try again, because I feel so bad about hurting him. I hope that I can just get back some of that feeling that I had - maybe if I try really hard, I can love him again.

 

7. Two weeks later, and I'm right back where I was. Probably worse. The 'getting back together' was a terrible idea. He was so desperate to keep us together. The sex was needy, desperate. Too much. Too much. It was like a huge brick tied to my ankles, dragging me down further. I just can't fake this anymore. I told him that we should be friends. I realize I only said it to try to keep from hurting him further. He insists on spending time with me. I miss him, I like him, and I have fun sometimes when we are together, but I just can't be around him anymore - because I know that he isn't really interested in being friends - he wants us to be back together and I can't handle that.

 

8. I have to break this off. I can't be nice about it anymore. I am cold to him. I turn my back on him, hoping that he will just get on with his life and try to forget me. The more he tries, the angrier I get. I'm finally out of this - why does he insist on trying to drag me back? Why didn't I tell him from the beginning how I was feeling? Now I'm in a trap. He is holding me responsible for his happiness, and I resent the hell out of that.

 

9. I finally told him point blank to get out of my life. I hate it that I had to go that far. I feel so guilty, and so sad for what we had - but I just can't make myself love him when I don't. He asked me how I could be so cold after all the beauty and love we shared. I couldn't answer. I just turned away.

 

epilogue

Eight months have gone by. I have talked to him a few times, but it always ends the same way. He gets sad, and I feel guilty - which makes me sad and angry. I keep telling him that we can't be together again - but how can I look him in the face and tell him the truth: that there was nothing wrong with him - I just fell out of love with him? How could he possibly understand that? He would have an easier time asking a corpse why it died. He keeps saying "what did I do to make you stop loving me" - and I try to tell him, but he insists on believing that it must have been him. He still thinks that if he changes or that if we get back together we'll find that love we had. I wish I had just told him all that time ago - that I was trying but my love for him was dying right there in my hands and there was nothing I could do about it. God... why didn't I just TELL HIM WHEN IT WAS HAPPENING?

 

I'm going to be carrying around this guilt for a while. And this anger. I could have saved him a lot of hurt by just telling him how I was feeling, but I kept fooling myself - putting off the inevitable. I feel horrible. Every time I think about him, I think about how he did nothing more than love me - but I just couldn't love him back anymore."

[gundr1kr]

This was a very insightful post. Thank you for posting it.

[Robert013]

What about the other breakups where it due to comunication and not falling out of love?

 

What does the dumper feel then?

[testcase]

Whew that was tough to read. It definitely hit close to home for me. Of course things happened a while ago so c'est la vie.

 

Thanks for posting that very insightful.

[justletgo07]

Well, my personal believe is that even if there are communication problems but the "in love feeling" (aka attraction) is still there, they won't leave. Also, communication problems are usually a sign of a deeper problem. Oftentimes communications problems are caused by one or both partners trying to change the other person, which usually happens when the honeymoon stage ends and one or both realize that the person they are with does not match the image they had in their head. When someone breaks off a relationship and means it (and isn't trying to use it as a manipulation tool) then I think it is in large part because the love is gone. My ex initially broke up with me due to lots of arguing and communication problems, but a couple of weeks later the "love, but not in love" line came.

 

In the case of communication, I would say it is probably similar, but that the love is pushed out and replaced with anger and resentment. When people finally decide that the relationship is not going anywhere, it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They begin to only focus on the bad parts, and re-write the history of the relationship to focus only on the things that went wrong.

[gundr1kr]

Thanks Justletgo.

 

Do you know how someone starts to fall out of love though? What causes this to start? I dont know how it just switches from on to off?

 

Do you think after time and missing that person it can turn back on to loving them and wanting them back?

[justletgo07]

I think that is always a possibility, but there's never any way to know for sure if it will happen. Reconcilation is hard, and as the break-up progresses, reconcilation becomes harder and harder to accomplish. Trust is broken. There's lots of anger and resentment, on both sides. The whole "announcing" of the break-up to friends and family actually increases outside pressure on both people to not get back together. The reason for this is that one or both partners were probably talking about the horrible things they were doing to each other, or how unhappy their partner was making them. Now, if they went back, their afraid their friends and family would look down on them and/or think they look stupid. People are in love with their own egos, and pride, for many, can keep reconciliation from ever happening. For the dumpee, wanting to get back together is a very normal part of the grieving process, and it rarely works because the dumper really and truly doesn't want to get back together. They are often relieved, and remain this way for a while.

[Travelin99]

I read somewhere that people don't necessarily 'fall out of love;' they just quit doing what's necessary to keep the relationship alive.

 

Do you guys agree with that? Or is there actually a gradual falling out of love process that takes place?

 

I'm dealing with it now as well. My girlfriend of 7 years gave me the "I'm not in love with you" a few weeks ago, and we haven't spoken since. She had been very wishy-washy with me leading up to the "I'm not in love" conversation. She'd say things like 'maybe we're not supppsed to be together' one day, and then she'd be calling me telling me how much she missed me the next, so we'd start to hang out again. I could tell she was having a tremendous struggle within herself, and I'm 99% certain she wasn't involved with someone else.

 

I have to admit, it is VERY hard to understand. We were each other's first loves, so I guess I was naive to think we'd be together forever. Just trying to come to terms with it right now...still hoping she might eventually change her mind or realize she's made a mistake, but part of me thinks it might be over for good.

[justletgo07]

Whether or not you can fall out of love really depends on your definition of "in love." In love is often the "fireworks" people talk about at the beginning of the relationship. People mistakenly think that you are supposed to feel that forever, and so they often abandon a relationship when it disappears to seek it out again. I believe there is a gradual falling out of love process that happens when the reality of your partner repeatedly falls short of your expectations. It just happens, and oftentimes, there's nothing you could have done.

 

It's normal for your ex to be wishy-washy. She doesn't want to hurt you, and she is probably feeling unsure of herself. More than likely that feeling will pass, at least for now. She will likely become increasingly sure of her decision, particularly if you pursue. Your being hopeful is also very normal, but it will also pass, either by the passage of time or through your ex moving on to someone else. Honestly, I think the only way she'll even look back your direction in a serious way is if you let go completely and decide to move on with your life. I know it sucks, and it will probably take a hurtful event or action on her part to push you over the edge, but you'll get there.

[Travelin99]

Good advice, Justletgo - I have decided to keep NC intact and I am not going to pursue. Like you said, that will just push her even further away. I feel like I pushed a little too much around the time of the breakup, and that did me no good.

 

She told me she feels like we both have some growing up to do (which I agree with), and then she said 'if it's meant to be, it will be.' I guess that's why I keep some sort of hope.

 

I need to let her go for now (easier said than done with losing my first love) and trust that whatever happens in the future will be what's best for both of us.

[Robert013]

In the case of communication, I would say it is probably similar, but that the love is pushed out and replaced with anger and resentment. When people finally decide that the relationship is not going anywhere, it sort of becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They begin to only focus on the bad parts, and re-write the history of the relationship to focus only on the things that went wrong.

 

Yea was and still is real angry and has not accepted any blame even though it was somewhat mutual. She even went as far to say that I wasted her life because I would not marry her until she finished grad school and found a job. I wanted that for finacial stability before we were married. That is all out the window now. So it makes no difference now. she was impatient and finally concluded that I never wanted to marry her witch was not true. that is why it ended. So it was communication and commitment issues. Boy is she angry!

 

i hope in time she will look at the good parts of the relationship. there was definitely more good than bad otherwise we would have not stayed together for 7 years.

[Travelin99]

Robert - I feel like you and I are in a bit of the same boat. 7 year relationshiop, commitment and communication issues, etc.

 

I was led to believe commitment was the main issue. She was ready for marriage, and I was waiting till I found a new home, would be financially stable and able to support us, etc.

 

When I finally told her I was ready for commitment and asked her to marry me, she said no and called me selfish and then came back with the "I'm not in love" line...go figure.

 

She always tended to bottle up her emotions, and then they'd finally spill over and cause a big argument. Sometimes I feel like if we could have just spoken rationally about things, it would have been much easier and we would have avoided so many altercations. Just proves how important communication can be, and I truly believe it was bad communication, rather than 'falling out of love' that led to the demise of our relationship.

[gundr1kr]

Wow you guys seem like great, great men. It also seems like you both were very logical about the growth of the relationship. I am sorry that she couldnt understand that. I think if our partner's dont research their "falling out of love" excuse, then they will always believe that this was truly the cause. Maybe one day they will realize what mistake they made. We cant help them come to this realization, they have to do it. I hope everything works out for you both...

[gundr1kr]

You are very wise. I like to hear more from this. It puts alot of things in perspective and makes it easier for me to understand.

 

Do you think it has anything to do with commitment issues? I know this was brought up a lot in my relationship because ex never really had a lot of long relationships and always blamed it on being a commitmentphobe.

[John Bendix]

Does this seem to be a dysfunctional process to anyone else?

 

I see highly maladaptive reasoning and emotional responses in this discourse on how she came to leave. The justifications and rationalizations used are so self-serving that she is right that she should not be in this intimate relationship. If she thinks that her issues will end when she gets out on her own, she is going to be disappointed.

 

"2. Something is missing - I can't put my finger on it, but for some reason I find myself not as happy as I was when we were first together. Small things are beginning to irritate me that didn't before."

 

When did someone become responsible for her happiness? When someone told her that it was going to be always like the day they met, they did her a dis-service. She cannot have it as she wants or needs it to be. And since it is not, why should she work on it? She KNOWS it could never be better than it is now.

 

I could go on but I just will hear, in self protection for the actions some have taken similiar to this, "Doesn't she have the right to be happy?". She certainly does but that avoids the issue at hand and suggests that happiness relies on the actions and company of others. With that mindset, your ego can convince yourself of anything.

[justletgo07]

Falling out of love is definitely a dysfunctional process. However, dissecting the "maladaptive reasoning" behind it isn't very productive, I think. Emotions are not rational, nor can they be reasoned with or reasoned away. I still think that this post really sheds light on some of the general themes and thought processes experienced by the dumper, and can give the OP and others some insight into the mind of their ex.

[jennamajig]

John, while I can see the process above, I agree with your points.

 

I think sometimes when people can't have the feeling they first had - the way they want it to always be - they just give up. No amount of work can possibly fix this, so why bother trying? Why bother even talking to my partner about this?

 

I feel like my ex did this...and frankly we both could been saved a lot of hurt if he'd just been honest and discussed problems when they happened with an open mind instead of bottling them up to explode. We may still have parted ways, but it would have been healthier.

 

And you are right - happiness cannot rely totally on your partner. Your partner needs to compliment your happiness. For most people in break-ups (on both sides even) this is the most painful lesson to learn. But if you choose to learn from it, you will only grow as a person.

[SighSob]

This is probably what my ex girlfriend thought - at least until point 5. The point is I can change, and that trying again wouldn't necessarily lead to the horrible situation described in point 7. I feel like my ex - and the hypotetical dumper whose thoughts process has been described here - should have tried to SAVE the relationship before dumping the partner.