Dumpers

[jasper01]

This is probably what my ex girlfriend thought - at least until point 5. The point is I can change, and that trying again wouldn't necessarily lead to the horrible situation described in point 7. I feel like my ex - and the hypotetical dumper whose thoughts process has been described here - should have tried to SAVE the relationship before dumping the partner.

 

I would say you just nailed the problem on the head without realizing it. It is the unspoken expectation that the other SHOULD be trying to make things work that some people (not all) are extremely sensitive to. It brings up in the other person all the obligations and guilt trips their parents laid on them. On the other side of the coin, (and I'm on this side too, probably most of the participants on this forum), is that unconscious expectation in us that was trained into us by our own parents. Our ex's picked us because we expect and need their commitment in an exaggerated way because of our own holes - not enough love in our childhood. But this is the way they were wounded by their parents. They choose us to heal that wound, and that's why they fall in love with us. But without understanding what's going on it makes a person ambivalent. The feelings of obligation turn into resentment and anger about a lot of little things. It begins to resemble the original family life they have so desperately been trying to avoid. And because there is a lot of blindness and growing to do the outer expression comes out like that string of 'dumper' quotes.

 

I believe it takes two to create this problem. Dumpers like this feel a few things. Loss of hope, overwhelmed, and obligated. It's easy to only notice the issues of the person who is walking away because we don't see how we contribute to it. At least, I made that mistake a lot. Won't do it again.

 

My ex and I are talking and spending time together again, partly because I now 'get it'.

[catfish1199]

I think that would be true for the majority of dumpees here. They are here because they are lost and looking for reasons. Most of them were left somewhat suddenly and not given a solid reason why or felt like their dumper wasnt able to figure out why.

 

This is why. The dumpers in most cases arent really sure why themselves. I think that they find themselves in a situation where they dont "feel right" anymore. They dont feel right because they have successfully recreated the family situation that they grew up in.

 

In my situation, my GF basically took care of her father because he was a drunk. She did all of the laundry, always had to cook dinner for herself, etc. I think that she got to a point with me that she felt underappreciated by me. I wasnt working as much as her and thereforee not bringing in as much $$. SHe always had to remind me of things that I needed to take care of. On top of that, I was kinda depressed about my job situation, so that manifested itself into me not being as enthusiastic about the two of us. That just built on her feelings of being unappreciated and in a hole.

 

It seems like it can be overcome though. When she sees the positive change in the partner that she left, she will more than likely be attractred to them again. She is seeing the person that she loves become the person that she hoped he would be all along.

 

IN my case, I am day 8 of NC. Last contact was a text from her saying "Miss Ya!" I just replied back, "Miss you too, I just hope you are focusing on yourself because that is the path to true happiness". That was 8 days ago. Then she texted me again last night at 2AM asking if I was on her block. (block of restraunts and bars she works on and we used to drink on). I simply ignored. I imagine though that when she gets to drinking, she wants to talk to me. Those texts always come in late nights and when I am sure she is with the guy she is seeing.

 

Isnt it funny, that once we get a handle on ourselves and start a positive transformation, they kinda start nibbling again. Its like a subconscious information transfer somehow.

[jasper01]

Her feelings are not your responsibility, they are hers. But what you can do, is sit down and listen to her talk about her feelings, without allowing her to make you responsible for them. If you can do that, you may become a lot more appealing than the guy she is seeing.

[catfish1199]

Her feelings are not your responsibility, they are hers. But what you can do, is sit down and listen to her talk about her feelings, without allowing her to make you responsible for them. If you can do that, you may become a lot more appealing than the guy she is seeing.

 

If you are referring to me, I will always be there for her if she wants to talk, but if she really does want to talk, she can give me a phone call when she is sober and we can set up a time to meet. I will not entertain small talk text messages. That wont help me heal. Plus she cant truly miss me and realize what she threw away if I am always answering her.

[jasper01]

If you are referring to me, I will always be there for her if she wants to talk, but if she really does want to talk, she can give me a phone call when she is sober and we can set up a time to meet. I will not entertain small talk text messages. That wont help me heal. Plus she cant truly miss me and realize what she threw away if I am always answering her.

 

Sounds like a plan. Let her know all that, and that you won't be answering texts for now.

[twrtwn]

So if I am understanding this right; I am the dumpee, I must be expecting and needing his exagerated committment to fill my hole (I did not get enough love and attention from my parents?) and then he, the dumper, who has picked me to fill his hole for exagerated love and committemnt that he did not get in his family growing up? So if both have needs unmet (subconsciously), why is it just one starts to feel irritated, angry & resentful or is it just who it hits first?

Now if I have this figured right....how do you understand the mistakes you made? Were you clingy, needy, pressuriing? How are you behaving differently that will make the difference, especially if your ex is expecting you to fill his hole (need your committment in an exagerated way?). Wouldn't you have to exagerate your need for them, this being overwhelmingly needy? Or pressure for committment? I just don't get how you are suppose to behave to meet their expectations, if this is the case? Let me know if I am not understanding this????

[jasper01]

I think there are two issues that get intertwined. One is the need for autonomy, or the feeling that one gets to make their own decisions about their own life. And one is the need for the right balance of space and connection. These aren't the only two factors, but they are big ones in this particular dynamic.

 

Folks who were intruded upon by their parents tend to pull away from connection, or need less of it to feel secure. And sometimes get outright avoidant if their partner pushes for more connection. On the other hand if our parents weren't available to us, or we lost our connection with our family early on, we tend to cling. The solution for the one clinging is to develop an awareness of when the avoidant one is getting overloaded, and push away at them. Preemptively create space by stepping back. It's a skill that has to be learned.

 

There is another piece that develops around obligation. If your parents were very controlling and didn't allow negative expression, later in life you tend to have unpleasant feelings of obligation around commitment. Conversely, those of us who tend to cling will develop a judgmental attitude towards those who pull away, which triggers the unpleasant feelings of obligation in the one whose parents did not let them say 'no'. This happens at around age two. See how this feeds on itself? Once the person on the avoidant side gets overloaded, it can take a very long time to undo. But a beginning is to invite them to talk about their feelings about the various things that came up without asking them to get back together. The important part is to be sensitive to their feelings of being obligated. Not to do anything that will be percieved as pushing or a trap. That's what their parents did to them.

 

The good news is that the drive to have real love in the present as an adult is ultimately stronger than all this stuff, even for the avoiders. Though it may take time. So it is possible to 'wait' that out. If you are learning to be a really grown up, responsible partner, in the end - who wants to dump you?

 

The interesting thing is, because our parents also were polarized in this way most likely, we are wounded by both of them in both ways. Some of us land further on one side of the fence than others, and we tend to be attracted to those who were wounded in the reversed, mirror image of our own experience. If that makes any sense

 

So the best you can do is find someone just as screwed up as you are in the opposite way, who is also willing to get into this stuff with you and go the distance. Sometimes with a little understanding, people begin to soften up. In my own case, it's still very much a work in progress on both sides. But I'm in no hurry.

[Rainz]

This really made me cry.......it's so sad.

 

But it is the way life and things go. It is also very insightful as someone previously said.

[livheartspie]

eventhough this is an insightful post from a dumper's perspective, i'm still a little confused. what is this "something" that's missing? i think who ever originally posted this has a problem within herself and no one can fix that. i feel bad for the person she dumped, it seems that he was just w/ the wrong person at the wrong time (and having desperate sex w/ her did not help at all).

[HNR]

eventhough this is an insightful post from a dumper's perspective, i'm still a little confused. what is this "something" that's missing? i think who ever originally posted this has a problem within herself and no one can fix that. i feel bad for the person she dumped, it seems that he was just w/ the wrong person at the wrong time (and having desperate sex w/ her did not help at all).

 

I'm inclined to agree. No disrespect to the author of these feelings, but I definitely feel that she was the one with the "problem" and my sympathies lie entirely with the poor hapless dumpee...

[thejigsup]

Most females think long and hard before dumping someone. More men go back than women, I think. I have felt guilt over hurting someone, but not enough to contact them or be friends with them. There was only one man in my entire life that I held in that high of regard, and we have not remained friends. Though we may have if one of us had wanted it. But, realisitcally, when I'm done I'm done and I never keep in touch. Why? If I wanted to be with them at all, I never would have left.

[HNR]

Most females think long and hard before dumping someone. More men go back than women, I think. I have felt guilt over hurting someone, but not enough to contact them or be friends with them. There was only one man in my entire life that I held in that high of regard, and we have not remained friends. Though we may have if one of us had wanted it. But, realisitcally, when I'm done I'm done and I never keep in touch. Why? If I wanted to be with them at all, I never would have left.

 

I understand what you are saying, but with relevance to the flaky author and her abstract thing that was "missing", I don't think that her partner was at fault.

 

She sounds like she just became bored of routine. She seems the type that will flit from relationship to relationship but will never be fulfilled in her continued quest for that something which may always prove elusive

 

She needs therapy...