attention girls: don't do this

[allypally]

There has to be a mutual agreement that the 'relationship' has become SERIOUS. That both people want to become 'an item', want to date 'exclusively'.

[ConfusedDater]

I suppose you guys are right. It is just hard for me to grasp because I don't date several people at once. I like just seeing one person (which might explain my long singledom, lol!)...

 

Anyways, JS makes a good point...the cancelled dates and ignoring calls pretty much says it all. But I know it's hard when you are really into someone. YOu make excuses for them.

 

 

 

I think it's ok for you to date 2 people, but not 4 or 5. I think a woman can only date that many people at once because unless a guy has a lot of money it's no way he can be dating that many people-lol My limit is 2.

[annie24]

I suppose you guys are right. It is just hard for me to grasp because I don't date several people at once. I like just seeing one person (which might explain my long singledom, lol!)...

 

Anyways, JS makes a good point...the cancelled dates and ignoring calls pretty much says it all. But I know it's hard when you are really into someone. You make excuses for them.

 

yeah, i don't like dating multiple people at the same time. just kind of makes me feel icky..... but i don't assume that guys i meet have the same mindset as me. i guess at some point it can be pretty clear if they aren't dating others, if either - 1 - you talk about it, or 2 - they are spending all their free time with you. but still....

[ConfusedDater]

yeah, i don't like dating multiple people at the same time. just kind of makes me feel icky..... but i don't assume that guys i meet have the same mindset as me. i guess at some point it can be pretty clear if they aren't dating others, if either - 1 - you talk about it, or 2 - they are spending all their free time with you. but still....

 

 

There used to be this girl I knew that was picked up by a different guy 3-4 times a week-lol

[grymoire]

You just judge by ACTIONS. IF a girl is into you, she will not make it a chore to go out with her. She will want you to think highly of her and won't want to give you reasons to leave. Thus, if a girl is interested she will be working with you to set up dates. If she is not... then she is not interested.

 

General question Diggity - how to differentiate a girl that is interested from a girl that is interested but is playing hard to get?

[grymoire]

I am all for a girl not saying anything and showing her disinterest that way... but it does irk when a girl says she can't wait to see a movie or she can't wait to go out again and then cancel the date and hope the guy gets the hint

 

That is just ridiculous in my opinion.

[Dating Coach]

General question Diggity - how to differentiate a girl that is interested from a girl that is interested but is playing hard to get?

 

Actions. A girl who is interested isn't going to play hard to get in a rude way. Constantly canceling dates, not returning phone calls, ignoring texts, etc are all rude things. If a girl likes you she isn't going to do these things unless she has to. She isn't going to want to ruin things by sending you rude messages like this.

 

I think that a girl "Playing Hard To Get" isn't going to be doing things like that. She might flirt in a way that teases you or makes fun of you, she might joke with you in a semi-serious semi-joking tone telling you not to touch her, she might joke that you could never have her, or something along those lines, but if she really likes you she will respond with actions in a postive way WHEN YOU MAKE YOUR MOVES.

 

If a girl IS PH2G to the extent of canceling plans and such, her loss. She'd have to really work to make it up to me for being rude like that.

[annie24]

in addition, i think a girl can play 'hard to get' by not always returning your call or email within a few minutes, not being availble to go out on 100% of the dates you ask her out on.... even when i like the guy, i try to 'play it cool' by waiting 4 hours to return his call (if he's calling to say hi, not to ask what time is the movie). or by telling him i have plans this weekend, just because i don't want to see him too much in the beginning and have him be sick of me.

 

game? i dunno. in those 4 hours, i'm probably doing other things i need to do, like work, or errands, it's not like i have nothing to do and am counting down the minutes until i can call....

 

i think a girl who is playing hard to get will go out with you some of the time, not 100% of the time though, and she won't rudely cancel on you without a good excuse. she may not be reachable by phone all the time, but most of the time, she'll get back in touch with you.

[cruzer]

I think you fail to realize the point in my post, and the topic of this thread. Neither i nor the OP asked for what we did wrong, what we could have done instead. We simply stated that no one should lead someone on, and that if your not interested, you should simply come out with it.

 

Yes the OP and i should have cought on to the signs of lessening interest. However, i am inexperienced, and maybe the OP is as well, so we failed to see these signs. My post, and the OP were clear indications that we will realize this next time, that we have learned our lesson. Yet your posts are still criticizing how we failed to realize what was happening, even though, we never asked for what we did wrong, or what we could change next time.

 

Also i think the OP was just a vent, and a tip for those who care to read it. I realize u have way more experience than i and who knows, u may be with ur fiance for the rest of your life, but trust me, u dont know everything, nor should u act as if your always right, and know everything. Your name change just shows how cocky you truly are.

[ConfusedDater]

But any guy should have enough sense not to spend $80 on a first date. So I won't give any sympathy in that regards because that's just something all men should know when dating.

[CaptainPlanet]

Thanks...well, it was only $40 for her, $40 for me...

 

So maybe it wasn't as bad as I made it out to be...but I'm still really bummed. And not about the money

 

Yeah right, as if pay for dinner on the first date ?

 

Does anyone else find that to be a ridiculous expenditure ?

 

In future, buy here a coffee. Dinner i just plain exploitative. Good luck and don

't give people, especially women you are dating the benefit of the doubt.

[cruzer]

i would never spend 80$ on a first date either, even if i had know them forever and thought they would be worth it. To me a first date is not worth it because u probably dont know them, and u have no idea if they will want to ever see u again.

 

But again, the price of the date has nothing to do with why he posted. that was just thrown in there as an extra bonus to the reason no one should lead another person on. they will spend not only time and effort, but money as well.

[fivespot]

Wow, this thread certainly has grown since I checked it last.

 

I was really angry the other night, and I was taking it out on everyone here...stupid, but I'm sorry for flipping out.

 

It was really frustrating, but what are you going to do?

 

Here's just a few things I'd like to add to my story, in case anyone is still interested in hearing it.

 

First of all, I was given the advice to take her out to a nice place and spend a little for the first date...show her that I'm not a cheapskate. I have dated before...I'm not super dater, but I have taken out girls before and I pretty much know how to show them a good time. I've never not gotten a second date before, so it didn't occur to me that I should "cheap out" on the first date.

 

But whatever...the money part was the least of my worries. I know I made a big deal out of it, but believe me, I was more disappointed about the whole "not interested" thing than I was about being out the $$$.

 

Another thing--picking up on signals. I pride myself on the improvements I've made since my last relationship and picking up on signals was my greatest achievement, if I do say so myself. You guys can say I missed them by a mile in this case, but I say not necessarily.

 

We were only in contact over a period of a month. During that time, she lost her job, got a new job working strange hours at night, and she was busy taking her sick cat back and forth to the vet for two weeks. And she was doing volunteer work for the holidays. She did have things going on, and I certainly didn't expect her to be on call for me. As I said, she'd cancel a date, or she wouldn't return a phone call, but when I would hear from her, she'd apologize and give me a good reason.

 

So, yes, there were red flags, but given the situation, I had to overlook some of them. Was it a mistake to do that? It depends on the situation. If I would have made a big deal about them and walked away, what would have happened if she really was interested? She honestly had lots of things going on.

 

But thank you everyone again for your replies. Yeah, it kind of hurt a little, but I think I'm over it already. I don't think anyone can ever hurt me as deeply as my ex did. So at least I have that under my belt. Compared to the breakup, this was literally nothing.

[grymoire]

If at all that woman has any bit of decency she would ask for your address and mail a check for $40. I am aghast as to how some women do not feel guilty or cheap about such type of behavior after eating food paid for by the guy. I feel angry about the whole Dating system. It is clearly designed to the advantage of women. The guy has to hit on the girl, the guy has to ask her out, the guy has to drive to her place, the guy has to pay for the date, the guy has to drop her back, the guy has to............ And then the girl simply tosses him aside. The only way I see is kiss and/or make out with the girl during the date. If not I do not see any equality in this process. I know I sound bitter but truly this incident is making me feel lot of anger. Because I see a man here that has been made a complete fool of by a woman. I am damn sure how she is boasting to her friends about how she got an expensive dinner for free without having to do one bit of work.

[Nutz]

That's why contemporary dating is for suckers. Instead of formal dates I just do the "hanging out" bit. It leaves my options open and I can get away with much more in terms of escalation than I could on a traditional "date".

[laisla]

unfortunately in some ways i think you're right. i know this girl who pretty much requires guys she goes out with (even if it's not a REAL date) to pay for her, call her when she's home, etc. she wants to be treated like a princess. she knows she can take advantage of the system and she does.

 

but hey, she's not happy one bit. she fakes it. guys don't treat her that well - it's because she "falls for" the guys who WILL pay up and will use her but she overlooks the good ones.

[fivespot]

One last thing...I remember reading on this thread, somewhere lol, that I shouldn't have given her "the talk" and that I should have walked away since it was only ONE date.

 

Yeah, true, but since we made plans for more, I assumed there was at least a little interest. Not only that, since we both decided that we were going to be seeing more of each other, why not talk about it, if I'm starting to get nasty vibes?

 

Maybe the talk was the right move, maybe it wasn't, but at least now I know. I decided that I had two options...walk away and never look back, or be up front to her about it and find out for sure.

 

I'm sure I would have gotten the same result either way, but at least now I know, and she doesn't have to worry about me bothering her anymore. So it worked out for both of us.

 

It's funny...right at the end she asked if we could still be friends.

 

I'm like sure, but I'm really thinking, thanks, but no thanks

[fivespot]

That's why contemporary dating is for suckers. Instead of formal dates I just do the "hanging out" bit. It leaves my options open and I can get away with much more in terms of escalation than I could on a traditional "date".

 

You're lucky if you have a group of friends that you can do that with. That's how I met my ex, through just having parties at my place during college.

 

But I moved back to my hometown after college, and all my old HS friends moved away so I really don't have many friends anymore

 

And the friends I do have don't know any single women.

[ConfusedDater]

It seems like it's easier to pay one of her bills to come over your play and have a makeout session. That way you would be getting something for the money you put out.

[fivespot]

the guy has to............

 

Don't forget the guy is expected to make the first move at the end of the date, lol! If she's not interested, you again make a fool of yourself. If you don't do it, you make her feel like you aren't interested. iF you ask her for permission ahead of time, you appear weak.

 

If you go for it and she likes it, well I guess you're ok then

 

Hmmmm...three chances it could go wrong, one chance it could go right...

[grymoire]

Don't forget the guy is expected to make the first move at the end of the date, lol! If she's not interested, you again make a fool of yourself. If you don't do it, you make her feel like you aren't interested. iF you ask her for permission ahead of time, you appear weak.

 

If you go for it and she likes it, well I guess you're ok then

 

Hmmmm...three chances it could go wrong, one chance it could go right...

 

Jesus Christ!!!!!!!!!!!!

[cruzer]

and people wonder why guys are shy... so many ways to go wrong and very few ways to get it right

[SusyQ]

Don't forget the guy is expected to make the first move at the end of the date, lol! If she's not interested, you again make a fool of yourself. If you don't do it, you make her feel like you aren't interested. iF you ask her for permission ahead of time, you appear weak.

 

If you go for it and she likes it, well I guess you're ok then

 

Hmmmm...three chances it could go wrong, one chance it could go right...

 

Yeah, know that feeling. I asked my boyfriend out and he said no... after getting more time to think about it he wanted to say yes, but I told him he had to actually ask like I did I've never gotten such an evil/embarrassed look from him.

 

But yeah, nothing wrong with guys making the first move, but they shouldn't be expected to... I'm not how it is for most, but I always gave a guy a chance if he had the courage to ask...There were many times I wish I hadn't, but I felt everyone deserved a shot, and he saw something, maybe there was something.. but no, I'm still with the only guy I have ever been with.

Damn, I love him

 

All in all, this one sided relationship thing is bullcrap.

[Dating Coach]

I think you fail to realize the point in my post, and the topic of this thread. Neither i nor the OP asked for what we did wrong, what we could have done instead. We simply stated that no one should lead someone on, and that if your not interested, you should simply come out with it.

 

I got the point of the thread, what I am saying is that this is not realistic. Sure, if you want to point out how it should be then I agree with you. People should be able to effortlessly tell a person they are no longer interested in that they should go their separate ways rather than throw out uninterested signals hoping that you will pick up on them and leave-saving them the trouble.

MY point is that this is the real world and this is not going to happen most of the time. In my life few women actually came out with it from the start. Maybe 2 in 10. So the fact of life is that you will encounter this again, almost certainly. So complaining about how the world works doesn't do you any good, but learning how to recognize this is going on is going to be much more useful to you.

 

If you had learned how to read this was going on-and it's not that hard once you understand it-then you would have both saved yourselves the trouble here. You both would have picked up from these girls actions that they were not interested and you would have moved on much sooner without having to seek closure. You would have noticed their disinterest, would have shrugged your shoudlers, and would have stopped calling. You would be out meeting new women. This one wouldn't have even bothered you much.

 

Yes the OP and i should have cought on to the signs of lessening interest. However, i am inexperienced, and maybe the OP is as well, so we failed to see these signs. My post, and the OP were clear indications that we will realize this next time, that we have learned our lesson. Yet your posts are still criticizing how we failed to realize what was happening, even though, we never asked for what we did wrong, or what we could change next time.

 

I am not criticizing you, I was just saying that it is not going to help you to sit here and blame everything on the girl. This situation could be avoided if you learn to adapt and read signs. Is it more "fair" if it didn't make people feel bad and awkward to flat out tell someone they are no longer interested in seeing them? Yes, but that's not about to happen, so the only real option to protect yourself from feeling this hurt or let down is to learn to recognize it's happening and act accordingly.

 

What good would we be on this forum if we didn't help make this clear to a guy who is venting about some girl doing this? None of us want to see him go through it again so we are going to say what we can to make him understand what he needs to do in the future.

 

Also i think the OP was just a vent, and a tip for those who care to read it. I realize u have way more experience than i and who knows, u may be with ur fiance for the rest of your life, but trust me, u dont know everything, nor should u act as if your always right, and know everything. Your name change just shows how cocky you truly are.

 

This was totally uncalled for. I am not saying I am always right, and to attack me as such just because I am wanting to help this guy out is totally unfair. Not only that, but I am one person out of many who is saying this to the OP.

[Dating Coach]

Grym, I really hope that one day you get over this anger. Yes, I understand that the "Dating System" holds many advantages for women, but many of guys who are skilled at Dating can still carry the edge. After I learned more about Dating I stopped having the problems I once did. It just takes some learning. I can tell you now that if you hold to this bitterness and complain about unfairness this will be a chip on your shoulder that will work against you. Don't let that chip stay there.