attention girls: don't do this

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I absolutely agree with you. I also couldn't understand why the other posters didn't really get what the OP was saying. He has every right to be angry. If a person is not interested or is seeing someone else they should just be honest from the get go and not accept dates and make comments about seeing each other again.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So after reading what happened to you, why is a guy criticized if he is just looking sex and that's it? It seems like that's the only way to go

 

Two wrongs don't make a right.

[ConfusedDater]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

 

What if he doesn't want to be hurt?

[Dating Coach]

Why didn't she just say she was seeing someone else instead of giving me her number and telling me she'd love to go out with me? I think there's a lot wrong with what she did.

 

fivespot, I understand where you are coming from... but bro... why on earth did you keep trying after she was cancelling dates and blowing you off? It shouldn't have taken her telling you that she was seeing someone else (which may have been an excuse anyway). When she started getting flakey you should have at least acknowledged the very real possibility that she was no longer interested.

 

Look, If I have a date with a girl, even if it goes well, I am not going to assume interest or even assume there is a second date. I will be proactive in setting up a second date if I like her and things appeared to go well, but if she cancels one date I'm already going to suspect that there is little interest, especially if she's not calling me back or actively expressing a desire to see me and/or converse. If I try to reschedule and she flakes again, I am out. I will no longer pursue at all. No phone calls, no texting, etc. Now, it isn't completely over... because IF she starts trying to contact me and set up a date, I would then judge her actions for myself and decide whether or not to give it a chance. But it would take a strong effort on her part to try again.

 

I would never ignore the "not interested" signs you got for so long and then be upset that she wasn't interested. I would have figured that out on my own long ago. It just seems like you got way too attached way too soon. You had one date and she showed low interest after that. I don't see any reason to get as upset as you are and neither would I feel the need to call her because after all, I had ONE DATE. Calling her and saying I have to speak with her seems WAY TOO MUCH for a person I had one date with a month ago who had been blowing me off since.

 

You live an you learn. I am not ridiculing you, I am trying to explain to you that you went a bit too far. I made similar mistakes when I was younger and I learned from them. I hope you learn from this.

 

Oh... and you paying $80 bucks on a first date is a bit much. There are so many things that are much less expensive that you could be doing. Go out for a drink, go to a coffee shop, go to the park, go miniature golfing... something that's not eighty dollars.

[JadedStar]

Well the girls you want to read this likely never will.

But this sort of thing will happen. There are NO guarantees that an $80 meal will go anywhere. I think you will find an equal number of people turned off from that mindset as well. If i paid for dinner and the person really wasn't interested, so long as i had a decent evening with decent company i'd feel l got my money's worth.

 

Llike DC said, this is also your own fault too for continuing to pursue. When a girl is avoiding calling you back and canceling dates there is your sign she is not interested. If you meet women from dating sites this sort of thing happens a lot. Girl is on the blitz with b/f, girl signs up for dating site to ease loneliness, girl goes on date, girl gets back together with b/f (and yes, sometimes before she goes on that date but keeps the date so as to at least see what option might have been out there. option wasn't as good as b/f she doesnt go out on date two).

 

I'd dare say a very common scenario. You need to thicken up the skin if you are going to keep dating.

[JadedStar]

So after reading what happened to you, why is a guy criticized if he is just looking sex and that's it? It seems like that's the only way to go

 

Not everyone is only after a sexual relationship.

If that is truly all a guy wants, i think so long as he is honest with the girl so she knows the score than i would not criticize him.

[JadedStar]

So........going out on ONE Date is now leading a person on? You should chill out. No one is aruging or throwing things in your face. they are giving you another viewpoint to consider.

 

I am sure MANY people go on a date if they were on the blink wtih a b/f or g/f and perhaps during the time in between waiting for date to approach they might get back together, but figure they will keep the date but realize in their own mind it will be friendship.

 

Since when does going on ONE date lead ANYONE on? A first date is to get to know one another. There is no warranty expressed or implied.

 

Anyone can be a Plan B at anytime. There is not a lot you can do about that unless you want to say it on the first date "don't make me your plan B" and in that light they will likely not go out with you again as it will make you look bitter.

[Dating Coach]

If that's dating then I'm done dating. She gave perfectly reasonable explanations as to why she had to cancel.

 

Bottom line is she had no intention of dating me seriously, but she led me on anyway. I think there's something wrong with that.

 

Don't quit dating, learn instead. Learn that ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

 

In my time out in the dating scene, I learned that MOST women are very non-confrontational at first. Rather than tell you she is not interested, she will come up with excuses and blow you off hoping you will take the hint and she won't have to get into the drama of explaining to you that she is not interested. Women will come up with excuses of all kinds, that she's busy, that it's not you it's her, that she's not ready for this, that you're too good for her, and a hundred other excuses. This is why you do not listen to the words coming out of her mouth. You just judge by ACTIONS. IF a girl is into you, she will not make it a chore to go out with her. She will want you to think highly of her and won't want to give you reasons to leave. Thus, if a girl is interested she will be working with you to set up dates. If she is not... then she is not interested.

 

It's really simple. If you give up now that's just not cool. You can't give up on this because of a hurdle that's easy to overcome if you try. What kind of message are you sending... not only to women but to yourself? That you're a quitter? That you can't handle a little rejection? C'mon bro, you owe yourself more than this. LEARN. ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS.

 

Oh, and she didn't "lead you on". She sent you all kinds of signs that she wasn't interested. You weren't equipped or experienced enough to be able to read those signs and that's all. That doesn't mean she was leading you on.

[JadedStar]

^^Absolutely. I think MOST people are non confrontational. Not just women. It is a human condition not a female one. Most people are senstive enough to where saying on a first date "I am NOT interested" is difficult. You have to watch for cues and signs.

 

If you want to blow off dating OP that is your choice, but it would be a shame to not be able to learn from an experience. There is a lot of learning oppty here.

[Dating Coach]

That's just it...this whole month, when she did return my calls, she's say how she can't wait to go out again, she can't wait to see this new movie, this new restaurant, etc.

 

Okay, I didn't know this. Yes, that is leading you on... or at the very least is sending you conflicting signals. Still, I wouldn't be fooled because I pay attention to actions over words, and I don't care if she told me 100 times that she couldn't wait to see me, if she kept coming up with excuses to not see me I would move on.

 

By forgiving her canceling over and over you basically told her that you were too desperate for her. You would continually ignore the fact that she was canceling on you and you would keep rescheduling. That's a weak message to send her. You're telling her that she can do this and it doesn't phase your interest. It should.

[ConfusedDater]

I know I became concerned when the girl was no where to be found on the night we were supposed to go on our

3rd date. But she called and said she was sick and seemed to be telling the truth because not only did she sound sick but she was not in a rush to get off the phone and then called me again before she went to sleep.

 

I was thinking I was Guy #1(a)

 

LOL

[JadedStar]

OP i also agree with Dating Coach that a first date need not be an $80 dinner and i don't advocate doing that unless you have the spare money AND WANT to eat at the place in question. I have many guy friends who kick themselves royally for taking a girl out on a first date and spending a wad of dough only to not have a second date. It is one's own fault if they go out and do that.

 

This is not a slam just good tip for the future. Don't make a first date an expensive date. Not unless you are fully okay with knowing you might spend a lot and it might not make it to round two.

[Dating Coach]

I had the same crap happen, we went out 2 times, she flirted, she even gave me a gift, but continued to cancel dates throughout a months time of seeing each other. we were not exclusive, i dont know if she was seeing someone else, but point blank she continued to lead me on and i guess she lost interest and could not tell me. she answered txts, calls, said yes to dates, when i did not contact her she would txt or call. i still dont know * * * happened because she could not be honest.

 

You see, the signs are the same. Actions speak louder than words and both you and the OP failed to put more credence in their actions. You let the words and your hopes that it would work out override what she was actually telling you with her actions.

 

Yes, she could make it really easy on you by telling you flat out, but then again maybe her mind is still wishy-washy on whether or not she is interested, maybe she doesn't feel comfortable "hurting your feelings" by telling you flat out so instead she hints, or maybe she just doesn't want to deal with the potential drama and hopes that her hints will be picked up by you.

 

Sure, logically all of this may backfire and make things worse... and I am not saying it's right... but what I am telling you is that this is VERY COMMON in dating. TONS of women handle it this way, and sitting her whining about what they should do doesn't change the fact that the very next girl you have one date with will still handle it the same way. Whining about it won't help you. What will help you is learning that this is how a good portion of women handle turning someone down and how to recognize that this is happening. Plus you want to learn how to respond appropriately, and continually trying is not how to do it.

[JadedStar]

This is all about watching the feet and not the lips. I like that saying. It's no different than two people in a full blown relationship where one keeps saying "i love you" but then has actions that are not congruent to a loving partnership. Even if you are exclusive and your partner constantly says "i love you", if they continue to blow you off, or treat you disresepctfully or indifferently won't you challenge these "i love you" statements? Surely you would. No different than early dating. If someone says i can't wait to see you then proceeds to cancel more than one date, you might want to rethink believing him or her.

[Dating Coach]

Oh I want to clarify: I don't want anyone to think that I only believe women blow guys off with hints. Guys do it too, but I am a man talking to another guy in this thread so that's how I have been wording it.

[JadedStar]

Oh I want to clarify: I don't want anyone to think that I only believe women blow guys off with hints. Guys do it too, but I am a man talking to another guy in this thread so that's how I have been wording it.

 

I feel the same....but since the OP is a guy dating girls i also focused on women.

[allypally]

Jaded Star - very wise words!

 

People who say "I love you" every 5 mins must be trying to convince themselves that they do love their respective SO, or maybe they are chanting it about themselves??! Equally, does it fill a lull in conversation??

 

My fiance does this, and I wonder whether its because I don't say it to him every 5 mins. However, his actions of late have suggested that he finds other women more attractive that his own fiancee.

 

So, hearing "I love you" all the time IMO devalues what it really means.

[Dating Coach]

My fiance does this, and I wonder whether its because I don't say it to him every 5 mins. However, his actions of late have suggested that he finds other women more attractive that his own fiancee.

 

 

 

What do you mean?

[annie24]

 

What do you mean?

 

 

 

 

read this thread.

[allypally]

"This is all about watching the feet and not the lips. I like that saying. It's no different than two people in a full blown relationship where one keeps saying "i love you" but then has actions that are not congruent to a loving partnership. Even if you are exclusive and your partner constantly says "i love you", if they continue to blow you off, or treat you disresepctfully or indifferently won't you challenge these "i love you" statements? Surely you would. No different than early dating. If someone says i can't wait to see you then proceeds to cancel more than one date, you might want to rethink believing him or her."

 

I was echoing JS's view - see quote above.

[Dating Coach]

 

read this thread.

 

That link is causing a "no match" result. I did go look at a few of her threads though. I don't want to misdirect this thread but I'll say one thing; Don't get married until all of these issues and worries have been worked out. There is a very high divorce rate for a reason. There is nothing wrong with staying engaged for awhile until these issues have passed.

[annie24]

 

 

does this work?

[allypally]

I hadn't meant to poach or mis-direct from the PO's original point.

 

I was just commenting on what JS had said in one of her threads, hence the quote.

 

There is nothing worse than being mislead, or getting the feeling that you are being mislead by someone.

 

In Fivespot's case, the girl in question is probably hedging her bets. But messing someone around is unacceptable. She wants to keep the door open with you and not cut off completely from you. Still this doesn't make things any better from your point of view.

 

Sorry! got the OP wrong.

[ConfusedDater]

Fivespot,

 

Sorry, I didn't read all 8 pages of this, but for what it's worth, I think you dodged a bullet. While there is nothing wrong with dating two men at the same time, I think hiding it is wrong. She led you on and that is not right. You missed nothing of quality there, IMO.

 

 

 

I thought you are supposed to hide it until you choose the one you want?

[annie24]

i guess i have always assumed a person is dating multiple people unless stated otherwise.