So I told her that we can't talk everyday anymore and...

[QuanticDream]

she got mad.

 

I've never been much of a phone person. On top of that, I am a very busy man and I really don't have time to be on the phone too much everyday. Even when I do, I feel like talking on the phone is just wetting my appetite when what I want to do is be with her in person. I also need my space to be with myself, as I don't get too much of that anymore.

 

I explained all this to her last night (cept for the part about being busy, cuz she already knows how that goes) and she got upset. She was all like, "Well fine, if you want space, space you will get, whatever"

 

I told her that I loved her and she just responded, "Yeah fine I'll talk to you whenever"

 

...

 

I told her that she needs to understand me. I also let her know that this isn't the first time I have this conversation with a girl and that from this point on it always begins to fail, but that I hope that doesn't happen this time.

 

She said that she didnt "want to take up anymore of your space so bye"

 

Whatever, I went to sleep and when I woke up, I had one missed call from her and an apology on AIM for treating me badly.

 

She left me a voicemail apologizing too for being a jerk and saying that even if she's not happy about my decision, she will try and understand. She asked me to please bear with her (she's kinda emo)

 

I just wonder if its really that unreasonable for me to not want to talk on the phone everyday. To be honest, I can't see her everyday either. I do love her, I just need my space.

 

My roommate even says that I'm just being a jerk and that I can't possibly really love a girl if it pains me to talk to her everyday. He says that all girls are like that and that I'm going to have to get over my dislike of constant communication if I expect to ever stay in a long-term relationship.

 

I've had 6 girlfriends including this one and most of the breakups have been because I stop communicating. I can't help it.

 

What's your advice? I feel like if I don't call her today she'll be hurt since when we spoke last night we got off on a bad note. What do you think?

[DN]

I don't think it should be too onerous to call a girlfriend once a day even if only for a few minutes. A good relationship is about compromise and I think you need to do some of that in this instance.

[Scorpion Fury]

Gotta say I agree with your room mate. I hate talking on the phone, but if I'm in a relationship with someone, especially LDR, I'm still gonna pick up the phone up the phone and talk to him everyday if I love him. If you're serious about her, it's a relationship, not some casual buddy you call once or twice a week.

[waveseer]

I find it all to painfully easy to tell how interested a man is in me by how often he calls.

 

My 2 cents.

[shemo]

Yes you do need to compromise. I don't think your gf is expecting you to be on the phone with her for hours, she seems to understand that you are a busy man. But a phone call here and there just to say Hi and see how her day is going shouldn't be too much to ask.

 

I can gaurantee you that if she is not getting some type of attention from you, she will look elsewhere.

[QuanticDream]

But how do I take what I said back? I can't just suddenly say, "Well if it makes you happy, then we can talk everyday" because she'll be thinking, "Oh he's on the phone to please me, but I know it annoys him..."

 

I don't see what the big deal is. I don't call ANYONE. EVERYONE complains that I never call to see whats up. Well its cuz I hate phone conversations.

 

And then with her, if I hang up too soon she feels bad and stuff. So if I'm on the phone with her it can't just be a few minutes. Its always an hour (or more if I have time). I always have to hang up too...

[JadedStar]

I am over 40 and never have i had a relatinship wtih a guy who didn't want to talk to me at least once everyday. And even before cell phones and internet so back then it was a phone call.

[misspiggyfire]

If you don't talk on the phone everyday, make sure you ring her every few days. The days you don't speak on the phone just send her a few nice texts or emails. I would be happy with that.

[JadedStar]

But how do I take what I said back? I can't just suddenly say, "Well if it makes you happy, then we can talk everyday" because she'll be thinking, "Oh he's on the phone to please me, but I know it annoys him..."

 

I don't see what the big deal is. I don't call ANYONE. EVERYONE complains that I never call to see whats up. Well its cuz I hate phone conversations.

 

And then with her, if I hang up too soon she feels bad and stuff. So if I'm on the phone with her it can't just be a few minutes. Its always an hour (or more if I have time). I always have to hang up too...

 

 

You can say "after giving this some thought, you are right. Talking at least once a day to communicate isn't unreasonable. I am sorry I caused you pain. It isn't that i don't care for you, i just really hate the phone. Can we compromise and sometimes text or email somedays?"

 

I hate the phone too and would prefer emailing and texting if i did not see my SO everyday.

[SapphireNoir10]

Hmm can you text or email her instead which lets her know your thinking of her but doesnt invade your space.

 

I dont talk to my bf on the phone everyday but I at least hear from him or I text him.

 

She cant just be put on the shelf when you feel like space.

[shemo]

But how do I take what I said back? I can't just suddenly say, "Well if it makes you happy, then we can talk everyday" because she'll be thinking, "Oh he's on the phone to please me, but I know it annoys him..."

 

I don't see what the big deal is. I don't call ANYONE. EVERYONE complains that I never call to see whats up. Well its cuz I hate phone conversations.

 

And then with her, if I hang up too soon she feels bad and stuff. So if I'm on the phone with her it can't just be a few minutes. Its always an hour (or more if I have time). I always have to hang up too...

 

The thing is she's not just ANYONE. She's your girlfriend. Relationships take effort and I think for you to eventually have a successful relationship, you will have to put in that effort.

 

I think you both need to compromise. She has to not expect you to be on the phone for an hour because you also have other priorities. But you can't expect her to be okay with only speaking to you only a few times a week. If you don't have the time to have a full blown conversation, why not send her a text just to say hi and let her know you are thinking of her?

[JadedStar]

Right ^^^ I admit when i first read the OP i thought he was referring to an ex. I was a bit taken aback when i realized she was a current g/f!

[midnightrambler]

I am over 40 and never have i had a relatinship wtih a guy who didn't want to talk to me at least once everyday. And even before cell phones and internet so back then it was a phone call.

 

and Pony Express

[JadedStar]

and Pony Express

 

Well, I must not be as old as you midnight.....no pony express for me. LOL

[QuanticDream]

Its just wild to me. If left to her, we would be together everyday, all day, but I can't say the same. I know I love her, but I need my space. I have work to do, video games to catch up on, friends to hang out with, family to see, errands to run, etc. I just need time to collect my thoughts and enjoy some TV or a movie all by myself and I need a lot of it.

 

I'm sort of a hidden introvert. I force myself to go out with friends and stuff just to not seem like a weirdo, but deep inside I love being alone a lot of the time. *sigh*

[SapphireNoir10]

I love being alone too. See my boyfriend every other night. But when we dont see him i make the effort to text or call or email so he knows im thinking of him you know?

[RandomAdvisor]

I also let her know that this isn't the first time I have this conversation with a girl and that from this point on it always begins to fail, but that I hope that doesn't happen this time.

 

I've had 6 girlfriends including this one and most of the breakups have been because I stop communicating. I can't help it.

 

It really sounds like self sabotage. You keep messing up your relationships. Why do you think that is? Are you afraid of commitment? This might be the kind of thing you should try to resolve with the help of a therapist.

[QuanticDream]

I spoke to her a few minutes ago and I explained to her that I realized I was being a jerk and that phone convos are just really awkard for me. I can't shut up in person or online, but over the phone I get really uncomfortable. I told her that I realized that talking to me everyday means a lot to her so that we would talk everyday even if its not for too long.

 

She said that she forgives me and that she always got the feeling that I didn't like being on the phone so she wouldn't bother me when I wanted to hang up, even if it made her feel bad because she loves me.

 

I told her that I would understand if she wanted to go out with someone who didn't make her feel bad and she said that I make her happier than anyone has ever so that she doesn't want to go out with anyone else.

 

 

It really sounds like self sabotage. You keep messing up your relationships. Why do you think that is? Are you afraid of commitment? This might be the kind of thing you should try to resolve with the help of a therapist.

 

An ex of mine actually told me that once. She said that the reason why I broke up with her was because I couldn't stand being in a stable relationship.

 

... I think maybe she's right. There's this weird satisfaction that comes with breaking up with someone. Kinda like scratching an itch or peeling a painful scab. Or like having an orgasm or drinking.

 

And then there's this creepy guilt that comes afterwards like you just realized you did something terribly wrong.

 

I'll really try to keep things well this time, though. This is the best time I've ever had going out with someone and I want to be with her forever, but sometimes I find myself taking advantage of how attached she is to me and using it for my amusement.

 

I don't know what to do. I'm not a bad person and I DO love her, I just have issues I guess...

[RandomAdvisor]

I just have issues I guess...

 

 

Then you should work on them in therapy. Acknowledging this self destructive pattern is a good first step. But trying to stop the pattern isn't going to solve anything. You need to understand the deeper psychological meaning this pattern has for you - the root causes. If you don't do that, then the cause is going to find some other way to mess up your relationship even if you keep calling. You'll start doing something else that will ruin things without even knowing that you are doing it. Finding out that deeper psychological meaning is something you can really only do with the help of a therapist.

 

Trust me. I know. I had just such a revelation earlier this year.