Reconciling with resistant EX

[Nearwater]

My ex gf is dating a married man with kids and a pissed wife. They are very slowly moving towards dividing lots of assets and she has moved out. The husband and wife were doing fine in their mutual seperation until my GF got involved, dumped me over it and started dating him. We were together 3 years and have been off for 4 months or so.

 

We were NC for a while, then some LC. She is in the honeymoon phase with him. He is on marriage 3 and I know she is worried about him being there for her in the long term. We are not kids and I found after all these years a woman I bonded with enough to marry. She bailed after 3 years when things started getting really good. I have clearly let my feeling be known about how I feel. She is in a bi of denial about her actions with his family. There can be no happy end to it, he is using her emotionally to get through this mess.

 

Many regulars have heard me crying about this all summer. After much thought and therapy, yes, I would take her back under certain circumstances- owning up, therapy ect. I am of the mind I would rather work it out with her than start over. I already love her, am attached and feel I have found her.

 

Clearly she is of a diffrent mind, I am trying to get insight from members of experiances that relate to this type of situation. My depression is easing a bit, but I am still stuck on the idea she will get dropped sooner or later.

 

Please don't just say good ridance, I know that storey line well. I am trying to see a positive side to possible reconciliation for a long life together. I am also getting used to the idea it may not ever happen.

 

Thanks all

[Jay_Bird]

how long was you nc?

 

edit

 

and not to be rude

 

dude you need to let her go ahead and do her thing,just leave her alone

 

because if dude is married,his bond is more closer with his wife

 

 

build yourself to the point where you don't care that your by yourself

 

thats what I'm working on right now,and I'm close to getting there

[Nearwater]

at first not at all, days at a time. She dumped long distance and i flipped out. went from calling and emailing to nothing for a few weeks, then i would send a poem or something. Longest I have gone is a month

[Jay_Bird]

at first not at all, days at a time. She dumped long distance and i flipped out. went from calling and emailing to nothing for a few weeks, then i would send a poem or something. Longest I have gone is a month

 

all situations,I have seen recent divorce men do this

 

they always use the other person to make them feel better

 

 

just let the situation take it course

 

 

if you where a good dude,she will realize it

 

and 9 times out of 10 that relationship will not last long with that guy

[Nearwater]

Thanks Jay, I know she thinks well of me, but my depression and neediness after dumping me may have scared her off forever. She still wears the big fat ring I gave her, I know I am in her thoughts, but she is self-medicating and chasing this as her new path. Knowing him though, it will crumble. But how can I have any chance, other than stating I will always be her friend, I love and want her ect? This makes me look pretty doormat-ish. I DO want her to call, the very moment it goes south...

 

Is this un-healthy and dysfucntional? Or deep love and concern for another person?

[BlackOps]

With the little you posted I'm with you in the idea that she will get hurt. Your ex has issues that she is not addressing and the new guy in her life clearly has issues also. Sometimes you need to let people be who they are going to be. Some when given the chance to be who they think they want to be figure out it sucks and wasn't as fun as they thought and come to their senses, some don't.

I'd continue to work on getting you correct with therapy and living your life and sit back and watch this mess unfold. You can't call her every time this goes south, you're going to have to let her get hurt and take some lumps so to speak. The best lessons in life have a little blood and tears involved (figuratively speaking of course) I have a feeling this is not going to end well. If after this all blows up and she wants you back and will agree to therapy and the other circumstances then you will have moved on and will be in a good place to make that choice to take her back or not with a level head.

[Mayday11]

There's one thing you have to look out for, Nearwater. It seems like you're burying and avoiding your own anger and discontent over the situation in order to not scare her from coming back. If you do this and she does come back, there's no reason to bury that anger and discontent any longer. See where I'm going?

 

If she does come back, there's a chance that unresolved resentment and anger will poison your potential future relationship.

 

Cut her off and let her do her thing. In the meantime, don't feel bad about getting angry, about getting bitter and recognizing that she has completely and totally hurt you very badly. You really have to come to terms with these facts. Once you've really come to terms with them, then you can settle them with yourself and actually 100% be able to forgive her for what she's done. Only then can your potential new relationship have an opportunity to grow.

 

These, of course, aren't easy things to come to terms with and will most likely take awhile for you to truly accept and deal with. It's best that you deal with these things when she's not around, so right now is when you need to start doing some real soul searching. Not only will this significantly improve your chances of success in a potential reconciliation, but it will also help you find your peace in case she doesn't come back to you.

 

Just my thoughts, although I'm sure you've already had them.

[Nearwater]

Yes. Ops and mayday. Ops, if you look at posts from me since june you can get a feel for the whole lame-o story. Pretty world-class breakup. I agree with the idea of women not wanting to come back to a guy that is a sobbing mess. I do not however think she will forget who I am and what i am capable of. Intense extreme sports, loving and selflessly remodeled her place and landscaped it, skiid rings around her patiently all winter while waiting for her. She knows and has stated many times over our years that I am the most dynamic guy she has ever known and was lucky to have me. Her mess will not end well, I am now dealing with the sadness that pride will keep her from me when in does go upside down for them. That would be so sad.

 

Mayday, I have had lots of anger 3 months ago and expressed in emails, asking what happened to her, how could she does this, a long article about rebounds and the pitfalls of dating a married man. That led to her asking for NC, then august passed into the fall and a death in my family had us exchange emails then words, then an amazing poem from me got a weak response... Now I backed way off and am letting the dust settle a bit. At least we do not have the adversarial NC hate going.

 

-about poisoning the future, I am a believer in forgiveness. If we do reconcile and go to therapy, I will never mention in or hang on to it,IF the accountability and therapy go through.

 

One of the goals of my post was anyones personal experience. This is a mess, but not that unique.

 

Thanks again.

[waveseer]

She has to want you more than anyone else. The most attractive thing you can possibly be is warm, welcoming, and happy. That means solid emotional footing that can only be achieved through healing and independence.

 

You can do it.

[Nearwater]

Thanks Ready2.

 

So even a glimmer of my severe depression is noo good...

I plan to see her briefly before she leaves town again, I want her to leave with a happy handsome vision of me in her head. I need to drop something of for her, so I plan to be lookin' good, big smile, and a short encounter that will make her feel good. Suggestions? She will be gone for months, so not many chances to make any impression or show improvement.

[waveseer]

My best suggestion comes from my ex.

 

Relax. It will ensure you are at your best.

[atelis]

nearwater, humour is often the best atidote. i know that it can be hard at times when you feel as low as you are, but humour is one of the most attractive traits to a woman. you sound like a pretty intense guy........deep and thoughtful. show her the lighter side to your personality. people want to be around others that make them smile and laugh.

 

you've done the anger routine, the sobbing routine and the romantic routine. now it's time to try some humour and smile. an off the cuff joke etc. you don't have to be jay lenno, but keep it light, smile a lot and give her a positive lasting impression. you won't change her mind in a 10 minute meeting, so the best you can do is leave her with an impression of you smiling, positive and in good humour, which is probably something she is lacking from the siutation she has put herself in with this new dude.

[Nearwater]

Don't know any jokes

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Honey, i don't think she's not with you because of anything you've done, whether that is sobbing or anger or whatever. She's not with you because she is in love with someone else. If she's in love with someone else and focusing on him, even if you stood on your head and whistled Dixie she'd still be with him until she is not in love with him, AND decides she wants you back.

 

So if you want to keep the door open for a possible reconciliation, then just try to be her friend (and a distant friend with limited contact to only check in now and again).

 

Meanwhile you get on with your life, going out with other woman, rebuilding your life without her at the center of it.

 

Then if something happens to break them up in future, you might check in again, but by then you may have a steady girlfriend and want to move on yourself.

[Nearwater]

Bestrong, I am not strong. This is the classic tale of the powerful man brought down to his knees by a woman. Can't believe it is happening to me. My therapist says my devotion is admirable but we are not married.

 

Your advice is clear, but I can't date, I still cry numerous times a day and wake up at 4 am thinking about her till 6. I have at the insistence of a close friend made an appointment with a psychiatrist today. She is still the center of my world as you say, and that has to change, and it's not.

Thanks for the support.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Sometimes when you're put under a ton of stress, you can slip into clinical depression and that can be accompanied by obsessional thinking where you just can't let go. But it is the biochemical imbalance that encourage obsessive behavior, so you may find a lot of relief going to the psychiatrist and getting some help.

 

Best of luck and hang in there...

[Nearwater]

Sometimes when you're put under a ton of stress, you can slip into clinical depression and that can be accompanied by obsessional thinking where you just can't let go. But it is the biochemical imbalance that encourage obsessive behavior, so you may find a lot of relief going to the psychiatrist and getting some help.

 

Best of luck and hang in there...

 

That is exactly where I am at. Nail on the head. Depressed since May, not getting better, still obsessing... Still miss her so bad!

[The_411]

Nearwater I remember your story and your EX is mentally ill. She craves the brain chemicals that are generated from affairs and the honeymoon period in romances.

 

Until she gets into therapy for a few years she's no emotionally available.

 

What would you say if you saw a friend not functioning due to the fact his ex was in "love" with a married man.

 

Think about that for a second. She's getting involved with a married man. IS that someone you want to settle down with?

 

I know hurts man I've been there myself.

 

You can't convince people to love you. This girl just found some issues you've been burying in your life. You need to work on you and what makes YOU happy otuside of depending on other people.

[browneyedgirl36]

Sometimes when you're put under a ton of stress, you can slip into clinical depression and that can be accompanied by obsessional thinking where you just can't let go. But it is the biochemical imbalance that encourage obsessive behavior, so you may find a lot of relief going to the psychiatrist and getting some help.

 

Best of luck and hang in there...

 

Absolutely. This happened to me. I was under so much emotional stress over what happened with my ex that I actually slipped into a clinical depression for awhile, not to mention that I became physically ill for WEEKS and was about an inch away from the emergency room with something very close to walking pneumonia.

 

What "saved" me was a trip to my doctor, who referred me to therapy, as well as eating better (even when I didn't feel like it), vigorous exercise (even when I didn't feel like it), spending time with friends (ESPECIALLY when I didn't feel like it), and reading books -- NOT books on reconciliations or "getting an ex back," but uplifting books with affirmations, and books that are on topics of interest to me. I m feeling 200% better than I was a few months back. There is still some sadness, but...I can cope with it now, AND I would love to find someone to date. I'm ready.

 

Nearwater, I think the trip to the doctor is just what you need. Take care.