TexasDad Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 My kids are off on their extended visitation with their mother, so I just got done speaking with my 7 year old daughter and they were out with her boyfriend last night riding go karts…blah! I tell you right now these feelings are unsettling, I hate everything about this, I hate there is another man playing daddy to my children, honestly I feel well I guess to be truthful I feel like hunting the dude down and kicking his ass. To be honest I hate my Ex and I hate him. I hate the fact that I have wanted to take the kids go carting but can’t because I have two kids and the go carts seat 2 people so like many other things, we can’t go because I have nobody, not sure I even want to be in a relationship right now, the demise and the pain associated with the end of my marriage and the speed at which it happened has kind of made me withdraw, plus I feel the kids are too young to subjected to girlfriends, I f-ing hate this feeling…the thoughts that run through my brain are disturbing I want to lash out at both my ex and her boyfriend, I want them to feel the pain I have felt all along… It’s bad enough I don’t see my kids for such a long period, then to hear this from my daughter GOD I just want to f-ing scream… I don’t know typing this out didn’t help a thing… Link to comment
morgane Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 wow, but think about it, just because your kids/daughter hangs out with him doesn't means that they love you anyless. I think you're just afraid of loosing them, but you can't you're her ONLY REAL dad. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I know it must be tough...before I can give any good advice... How long have you been broken up? Who broke up with who? how often do you see your kids? Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 wow, but think about it, just because your kids/daughter hangs out with him doesn't means that they love you anyless. I think you're just afraid of loosing them, but you can't you're her ONLY REAL dad. Oh no I am not afraid of loosing my kids to him far from it. I know it must be tough...before I can give any good advice... How long have you been broken up? Who broke up with who? how often do you see your kids? We were married 9 years, together for 11 years, she told me out of the blue last Oct that she wanted a divorce and walked out on me and the kids. This was her 3rd divorce (she's 38, I'm 44 and that was my first marriage) it was final in March. She left me, swore up and down there was no one else, went to about 3 weeks of counseling where the MC looked at her as though she was crazy, she abruptly quit going, the first time I found out about this joker was she was seeing him in December before the divorce was final. We have joint custody of the kids, because that is about all they award here in Texas. The kids live with me, I have about an 8 county geographic restriction on moving them. She sees them 1st, 3rd, and 5th weekends, currently they are on an extended summer possession 2 1/2 weeks at their moms. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Oh, I know it must be hard. You must have really loved this woman and she treated you like dirt. Just so you know, he'll probbaly end up being her fourth ex husband, sounds like she isnt the nicest of people for doing what she did. She should have been honest for the childrens sake. Anyhow, dont worry about him and her. Like Morgane said your there one and only dad, It must hurt to know your ex is with someone else who now gets in on YOURS and HERS children, a product of your love. Im not saying shes a bad mother, shes probably a great mother, but the way she treated you was wrong. Just be glad you dont have to be with a woman who cheated on you and left you, and know she'lll probably do the same to him. The best part is you have beautiful children who adore you, that can;t be taken away. just be careful with them getting confused if she does keep changing men. Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 TexasDad, I do not see anyway way out your predicament. When I got served with divorce papers, my biggest fear was that I was going to living in one bedroom apartment, seeing my kids grow-up from a distance (as I saw mant friends doing), eating spaghettios out of can and shuffling all of my money in child support. Fortunately I got the house and the kids. My kids were devastated even though one was out of high school, the other a senior and the other 13. They still have a strained relationship with their mother. They refuse to spend much time with her or answer most of ther calls. Once the marriage is dissolved, so is the family. All of the child custody, co-parenting, no-fault divorce, are just small band aids. No system has ever been divised to really ease the suffering that goes on. But that is the way things are right now. It is and it has to be accepted for the pain to subside. It is not what your X does, or her boyfriend, that has got you upset, it is your reaction to this circumstances. That part is under your control whether we choose to recognize it or not. When my middle son graduated (the divorce was not finalized yet), my X's family came to Texas and took my kids out for a celebration dinner. I sat in my office and cried like a little kid. I did so for the dissolution of my family and in self pity. Whether you cry, get angry, feel resentment, hate, it is all do to your reaction. An emotional reaction to the situation that your perceive yourself in. As for dating, I have not brought a woman into this house and will not until the kids move out. They have been through enough. To say that they would be happy to see me with someone that "makes " me happy is just a selfish justification, in my opinion. Everyone else can do what they want. I take my responsibility for the situation that they are in and will do what I can for their sake. Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 9, 2008 Author Share Posted August 9, 2008 I hear you John, but how do you keep from reacting to anything that has to do with life after divorce? What do I do when I hear something like this? Ignore it? It is still like getting punched in the gut, and I'm 44 and very old school where if I get punched in the gut the first thing that come to mind is "punch back". I know eventually the kids will figure out the truth, my daughter already doesn't want to go most of the time because "mom yells too much". I am fortunate like you and kept my kids and my house, but it is so hard when the kids are gone and it is just me and the dog here. I have many years before my kids are out of the house, and while I am happy alone I was also the most happiest in my life thus far when I was married and thought my partner was in it for the long haul. I don't know it is just a like I said punch in the gut, and I like to step up and give a 1,2 combination punch back in return... But I guess I need to get used to it because it is going to be this way forever as far as her, her men, and my kids... Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 Unfortunately, the antagonism does not end with the divorce. It can get even worse. The resentment can really build up when you do not interact with that person everyday and some action of one allows a reaction of the other. When you have an emotional reaction like striking back, have it. It is real but also realize that it is only temporary and will dissipate alwost instantly. You, of course, can keep creating it over and over again through the emotion feedback cycle. Merely by recognizing this, with out judgment or the deisre for it to be otherwise, you can end the cycle. Link to comment
unabashed Posted August 9, 2008 Share Posted August 9, 2008 I can completely understand the feelings you describe when your kids are with their mom and another man. I absolutely hate the feeling of being so out of control of the influences they are subject to. I don't blame the women (in three years, there have been more than four main women, and even more fwb's), but I feel so angry at him that I, too, have disturbing thoughts. So much so that I ended up talking to someone, professionally. Not that I'd ever do anything, but the intensity of the feelings is frightening. We don't fight because there is no point to that--but I have talked to him about waiting to introduce the women to the kids until he is more sure that it's a long term thing. They get attached to these women, who "mother" them, and they also fall in love with their kids. He's a highly educated man, but doesn't get my point on this one. There are times when the girlfriends cross the line, in my view. One planned a birthday party for my daughter, despite the agreement that he and I had to plan these kinds of events together. Another took my daughter shopping for her first bra--didn't anyone think that this was something for a mother to do? He thought I was being jealous and petty, so I just had to let it go. Even for the welfare of the kids, he is not willing to engage with me on anything. I'll tell you something. Your kids know who their dad really is. And, if they are with you most of the time, and their mother effectively abandoned them, they know where "home" is, too. Having another adult in their lives can be a positive thing. I'm sure it's fun to be with mom and her boyfriend, as long as they come home to the parent who is stable and who they can always count on. My daughter said as much to me last week. She said that she loves her dad's girlfriend and her kids, and she's excited to be going on vacation with them, but she likes it at my house more because this is really "home." He's got the pool table, the Harley, the huge house, and all the money. But, my place is home. I think the feelings get better and worse, depending on things. There is no reason not to date or bring someone into your life and theirs', if it's a good person. It helps me to focus on the kids when I'm with them, and do things for myself when they are with their dad. All the best! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted August 10, 2008 Share Posted August 10, 2008 If you want to keep your kids with you, do not counterpunch. My bf had a client who did this mentally, not physically, with his ex's bf. The kids called the authorities and said "Dad hits us." He is now looking at serious jail time, years, because he couldn't turn the other cheek. Link to comment
confusedmama Posted August 11, 2008 Share Posted August 11, 2008 I guess I'm looking at this as a "Why does it matter?" I understand wanting to do the things with the kids they are doing. But why are you letting her get the best of you? The divorce is final-whether you wanted it or not-she is free to see who she wants. Turn the tables-how would you feel if it were you out with someone and she acted the way you want to act. (I know you haven't done anything and are just venting) I have this issue now-not sure it isn't part of why the ex continues to bring me back to court. It is frustrating. I try very hard NOT to care who he dates-and it doesn't bother me that he dates-I AM THE MOM. Nobody can take my place-just like YOU ARE THE DAD. It puts you in a higer spot!! Revel in it. Be a grown-up, if you were at a business mtg and someone said something to you that offended you would you respond with your fists?? I try to put my ex in the place of a business associate that I HAVE to do business with-I don't have to like it but it has to be done. Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 12, 2008 Author Share Posted August 12, 2008 that's a good way to look at it, but I am not gonna site here and lie, I hate my ex, I hate what she did to our unit, what she put the kids through and I hate that we were divorced in March and she is already exposing the kids to someone she hasn't known that long, I just don't think the kids need to be exposed to that...IDK maybe I am living in the 1950's or something... In my life the kids come first...maybe that is why I am divorced but hell they are only kids for such a short period of time... She only sees the kids on the 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, can't she go out with her boyfriend when she doesn't have the kids? Link to comment
confusedmama Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 I agree with you totally!! I feel exactly the same way-like when he has his girlfriend-at the moment-pick up the oldest on HIS visitation evening (that he fought like h*ll to get so he could spend more time with him) I am also old fashioned in the fact I didn't even introduce the boys to the guy I'm dating til we had been seeing each other for over 9 months. I hate the way he has introduced the boys to 5 women-that I know of- in a span of 21/2 years. BUT-I'm the only one it hurts when I let it get to me. I'm the one who walks around with stomach in knots and growling at everyone I meet. I can't stop what he is doing, the courts won't see anything wrong with it, and I have no choice but to accept it. I choose to accept it because in the long run it is better for me. I refuse to allow him to make me that sick anymore. If I do he has won-in court and in my life-HE WILL NOT WIN THIS WAR. Link to comment
rocio Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 I completely understand why you feel the way you do. If my husband left me and found a new woman to play mommy to my babies, I'd want to kick both of their a$$e$ too. Link to comment
omartin Posted August 12, 2008 Share Posted August 12, 2008 My divorce isnt final yet and my stbx wife has already met someone from the internet. I saw her personal ad on a dating site and it said "must like kids". I almost sceamed when i saw this. My only child taken from me and i have to fight to get visitation? I have to suffer knowing some a$$hole she meets on the internet may be tucking my son into bed and kissing him good night while i barely get a chance to be with him. I pay support and another man is benefiting from it (she gets more that what it would take to raise the child reasonably). I understand what your saying. It sucks big time. Some people in this world are so mean and evil, and all we can do is "turn the other cheek". I dont know what advice i can give other than to hang in there man. There are other men suffering as you are. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 that's a good way to look at it, but I am not gonna site here and lie, I hate my ex, I hate what she did to our unit, what she put the kids through and I hate that we were divorced in March and she is already exposing the kids to someone she hasn't known that long, I just don't think the kids need to be exposed to that...IDK maybe I am living in the 1950's or something... In my life the kids come first...maybe that is why I am divorced but hell they are only kids for such a short period of time... She only sees the kids on the 1st 3rd and 5th weekends, can't she go out with her boyfriend when she doesn't have the kids? She should be focusing on the kids by herself and showering them with her undevoted attention instead. It's only been 5 months.. Sheesh! Link to comment
Tigger67 Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 I guess I am/will be facing a similar situation in my life, which I am having a hard time dealing with. The other day my ex, 7 year old daughter and I were together when my daughter blurts out "Mom has a boyfriend!" I later confronted my ex just so there was no 'confusion' and she did timidly confirm it. Nothing more than "Yes.I'll talk to you about this later". Even after 1 1/2 years post divorce, it was like a kick in the stomach. I did get from my daughter however, that this boyfriend lives in Virginia and there may be a trip planned to visit him and that she hoped he didn't ask my ex to marry him. I know these things happen and that I need to accept it, but the anxious issue for me is that we live in the mid-west. And the only real reason I am still here is that I know I can't abandon my daughter and I know that I can't take her away from her mother, as I would not want to put either of them through that. If that weren't an issue, then I would probably be in the West Coast nearer to family, as there is nothing here for me(except my daughter) So I am now faced with that fear of my ex moving to Virginia and taking my daughter with her, and me not seeing my daughter grow up and her living under another man's roof. And I know if the tables were turned, my ex would not stand for that at all. I know I should get a bit more information before I push the panic button, but not sure if I will get any straight answers anytime soon. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 ^^ Wouldn't your ex have to summon the courts - notify them of intention to move and get your approval to move? Link to comment
Tigger67 Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 I have VERY briefly checked into the laws (it has only been 2 days) and I believe there is something to do with relocation approvals and such. As I said, I'm not pushing the panic button just yet. Only the anxious one. Link to comment
ImThatGirl Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 I have VERY briefly checked into the laws (it has only been 2 days) and I believe there is something to do with relocation approvals and such. As I said, I'm not pushing the panic button just yet. Only the anxious one. Good to hear. Don't get too anxious though. I'm pretty sure that there are laws to go by. Here in IN there are. Dang laws... I wanna move someplace warm! (Never would I do that to my childrens fathers or my children...) Link to comment
John Bendix Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 Tigger, Sorry you are going through this situation. I do not know what you Family Court laws are but in Texas, the custodial parent cannot relocate more than X amount (I believe my decree is 30 miles) of miles. If they do, they have to give up primary custody of the minors. The court explained that there is no exceptions. You have to give up the primary custody to move. Link to comment
TexasDad Posted August 14, 2008 Author Share Posted August 14, 2008 Tigger, Sorry you are going through this situation. I do not know what you Family Court laws are but in Texas, the custodial parent cannot relocate more than X amount (I believe my decree is 30 miles) of miles. If they do, they have to give up primary custody of the minors. The court explained that there is no exceptions. You have to give up the primary custody to move. I do not have a mileage restriction I have a geographical restriction, I have a fairly large area I can move around in, something like 8 counties I think. But that was something I had put into the decree, I almost slipped by with no restriction but the caught it on the second draft. Link to comment
redhearts Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 All kids know they only ever have one dad. Link to comment
redhearts Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 Its not your place to tell her to see her bf without the kids, because she may feel close enough to include her bf on her life with your guys' kids. Although thats a tricky part because truthfully I don't think you should bring another man or woman whos not the childs parent to meet them unless you are sure this is a serious commitment. Link to comment
blackandgold Posted August 14, 2008 Share Posted August 14, 2008 All kids know they only ever have one dad. Not at all true. My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mom remarried less than a year later. I consider my step-dad to be just as much my dad as my real dad if not more. Though my dads still my dad he's one of those people who can never get their * * * * together so he really isn't worth putting the effort into having a relationship with. Link to comment
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