Big Bump on road to reconciliation

[rapunzel]

About two months ago my ex and I started dating after a 9 month break. He confided in me at that time that he was going through a pretty major depression, part of it related to the fact that HIS ex had started dating someone else. They had had an on again off again thing for 4-5 years. When we started dating in 2007 they had been broken up for 6 months. They were 'friends' while we were dating but they did not sleep together and I trust he is being truthful. I told him it was OK, I was still grieving my prior relationship and we could just take it one day at a time, enjoy the present moments and not project into the future. He was also having big work/life issues, very unhappy with his current work and wants to change, feeling stuck.

 

So this week was his birthday. We spent 4 nights in a row last week seeing each other after I was out of town for 4 nights. Well, one night was not a date but we did see each other, amongst other people who were there.

 

It seemed we were getting closer and more intimate last week although on Sunday I felt he was pulling away a bit. I mentioned it was his b-day this week and asked him if he had plans. He had taken me out for my b-day last month so I just assumed we'd see each other. He told me he had to a do a few errands Sunday and that he'd call me later in the day. We talked about maybe getting together later...he called and said he was pretty beat and was just going to go to bed early and I agreed that was a good idea - we had had some late nights earlier that week. He got off the phone quickly and I didn't bring up his b-day. I thought about calling him but I felt funny so I let it go.

 

The next night I saw him at our work meeting and told our colleagues it was his b-day (most don't know about us) and when I got him alone I asked him if he wanted to have dinner on his b-day. He told me he had already made plans with a "friend". He was acting a little weird. I think I looked rather crestfallen and told him I wanted to spend his b-day with him but we were so quick on the phone on Sunday. He just shrugged and said, "well I didn't hear you ask me if I was going to do anything, and I wasn't going to ask YOU so when this friend called I just said yes to dinner". I then asked him if he wanted to get together some other night this week and he said "sure, how about Wednesday?"

 

So last night we go out and as we were driving to the restaurant, he tells me he had dinner with his ex who he hasn't seen nor spoken to in 3 months and reportedly broke up with for the last time in December 2006. He said it bummed him out and "it was a drag". He then said "well, there's nothing happening there, that's for sure". I asked him why, and if he was hoping for romantic reconciliation. He said, "well....part of me did". Even though last year when we were dating told me the reason they broke up is she wanted to get married and he did not.

 

So it put a damper on the evening, we talked about it a bit more and he could tell I was hurt. I've been really good at staying calm, non pushy, clingy, having fun and being light the last two months but this was hard to swallow. He admitted that once he lost her, and she was dating someone else, he realized what he had lost and wanted her back. He said she has told him she wants to be "just friends", but it seems significant she called him and wanted to see him around his birthday, and certainly it is significant that he chose to be with her rather than with me. I also know she was on link removed.

 

We work together part time so unless I quit the situation, I will have to see him. But it will be 3 weeks from last night until our next work meeting.

 

I don't know how to handle this. He held my hand as we walked down the street after he told me, and put his arm around me when we left the restaurant. He wrote me a note this AM thanking me for the great dinner and thoughtful gifts (I have him two very small gifts) and signed it "xoxox". I did not reply to that. A few hours later he sent me a business email asking for a colleague's phone number, and I did reply to that but was business-like. He just wrote back "thanks!".

 

Over the past two months he seems jealous when other guys talk to me, he always asks me who they are, how do I know them, etc. He has been calling a lot, paying for everything, giving me compliments and saying nice things to me, he has not said the "L" word.

 

I cried all morning. At one point last night he said due to the look on my face, he was sorry for telling me and he did not think he was going to as he knew it would hurt my feelings. He pointed out that he has been honest with me about it since the beginning of our reconciliation two months ago, and I did respond, that yes, he has been honest but it is clear that he is still emotionally invested in her. He did not argue that he was not.

 

He has not broken up with me and the email this AM makes it sound like he's acting like nothing happened. I feel I have a few options:

 

1. Break up with him if/when he calls me again. Tell him it's obvious he's still hung up on her and I don't want to be his back up/band aid. I thought we had a great connection and was hoping for a second chance to see where things went, but until he figures out where his head is at, I'm not interested.

 

2. Disappear for 1 week, maybe to 3 weeks, ignore any calls or emails.

 

3. Talk to him more about where he's "at" and have an open honest conversation.

 

4. Pull WAY back and become unavailable, but don't tell him....date other people..go out with him but much less often....be nonchalant, mysterious. Let him bring up any conversations about what happened.

 

5. Call him and break up with him.

 

 

Thanks for any thoughts...please be gentle...I'm feeling better than I was this morning but still feeling a bit vulnerable.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hey Rapunzel -

 

Yikes...I'm sorry this is happening. I know the feeling, for sure. I will definitely be gentle, though I don't know if you'll like what I have to say...

 

I think it's clear that he is NOT over his ex, and that if she was amenable to getting back together, he'd probably do it, probably without even giving it a thought. I remember when my ex was still upset over his previous ex, he insisted that they were finished, that she no longer loved him, that she could not and did not reciprocate his feelings, etc. They had talked on the phone, and it didn't go well, and then they didn't talk for awhile, and he continued to see me. Six months later, she wanted him back, and he jumped at the chance. I know that every situation is different, but...your ex is clearly not over his previous ex, and because he isn't, he can't give you what you need -- someone who is 100% there, 100% interested in YOU, 100% motivated to make things happen with you. Even if she doesn't want him back at this point, there's a chance (and I think, a pretty good one), that at some point she will, and honestly, considering how depressed you said he was over their breakup, I suspect he'd take her back pretty quickly, even if he doesn't want to hurt you. When they're that depressed/distraught, they don't think about how much they might be hurting others who love them...they're just focused on what they think they've lost, on wanting what they can't have.

 

I know he cares for you -- just as my ex did for me. I'm sure he really WANTS to be over her and be able to focus on you, but, Rapunzel, he CAN'T, and despite his loving gestures (hand holding, spending quality time with you, etc.), he is not *there* for you when part of him is still focused on her. Trust me on this. Until he gets past this, REALLY past this, he will never be fully able to give you what you need and deserve.

 

Honestly, of the choices you listed above, I would strongly suggest doing #1. When you talk to him next, tell him that clearly he is not over her, by his own admission, and that it is not good for your well-being to continue in this way. Tell him that he obviously needs time, space, etc. to sort things out, but that unless/until he does, you need to take yourself out of the equation. Tell him that, and MEAN it. And, when you do this, he may try to tell you that it's all OK -- he still wants to see you, he still wants to try with you, but Rapunzel, in all honesty I REALLY think you need to stop seeing him in a dating/romantic context -- at least for now, regardless of what he tells you. I can see this really, really becoming a huge rollercoaster for you, one that, trust me, you do NOT want to be on.

 

As I said, I know all situations aren't the same, but human behavior tends to follow patterns, and your ex is following an almost identical pattern to mine (and a number of others' on this site) Because I listened to my heart, which told me to keep holding on, even when I knew he couldn't be who I needed him to be, instead of my head, which told me that the situation was not healthy for me, I am currently in a pretty bad place. I would hate to see you be in that same place.

 

I'm putting a new quote in my signature line -- one that I think applies very much to my situation AND yours. Please don't shortchange yourself. I know you love him. Believe me, I do...loving him is not enough in this case. You can't fix him. He needs to fix himself. He is in NO position to be in a relationship with you or anyone else right now. He needs to figure himself out.

 

Hang in there. I wish I could be of more help. I have been NC with my ex now for two months. It is the absolute hardest thing I have EVER done, but there is no other choice. As painful as it is, it is something I had to do for myself (see the quotation in my signature line) after NOT doing for myself for so long.

[Kalika]

Rapunzel -

I agree with the last post .. Browneyed has it pretty well set up for you.

 

I'm sure he cares about you, but it definitely sounds as if he's in love with her still. Somehow he thinks his "honesty" is doing you a favor, but in reality, he would have done you a bigger favor not getting involved with you.

 

I'm sorry that you work with him. I think you should break up with him and focus on dating other people in the meantime. In the meantime, try keeping your relationship with him strictly professional.

 

I really hope you don't waste any more time with him. In all likelihood he is a good guy somewhere, but frankly he's using you, and it's not appropriate.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I ditto browneyed girl and kalika's posts. He is doing what many people do when they are not over an ex...they go through the motions of a relationship with someone else. They put on the big show, the fine words, the attentiveness etc..but all the while they are with someone else in mind and spirit. Don't shortchange yourself. You deserve someone who is with you not just by their physicial presense but also by their emotional presense. I would opt for breaking up with him nicely, no games, no silent treatment, just very mature and matter of fact telling him that since it is clear he is not over his ex it is best that the two of you no longer date because it is just not a healthy situation for either of you.

[annie24]

hey - i agree with the other posters. i would walk away. i was in a similar situation as you (but we didn't date as long). but, i knew that he wasn't over this other girl, and that if she wanted him, he'd leave me in a heartbeat. well, that's not what i wanted, so i broke up with him.

 

i think your guy is a coward and a spineless jerk. sorry. it's over, he needs to move on, and not use you as his 'backup plan' until this other girl comes around and decides she loves him. blah. she may or may not ever come back to him, but you deserve better than that. you deserve a guy who WANTS to spend his birthday with you. i'd move forward, i think you can do a lot better. sorry that this happened to you. i think your guy is a fool and that he will one day realize what a huge mistake he made.

[Batya33]

I agree with COD. Is this something you need to "break up" or do you just simply decline further dates? The latter might be easier to do than a big "talk." Sorry you are disappointed.

[Clabs]

Hey Rapunzel

 

I have to say that I agree with the others here. He has made it very clear that he isn't over his ex and it sounds like he would be back there in a shot given half the chance. For your own sanity I think you should break up with him because if you don't all that will happen is that you will continue to have hope for something that very likely will not happen.

 

I know that this is not what you want to hear from us but you cannot say that you have not given this your best shot. Sometimes these things just don't work out the way we hoped.

 

Take care darling and again, sorry for your disappointment.

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

Thanks all for your replies. The consensus is clear. I pretty much knew that I have to end this.

 

I guess I left out the part that after he had dinner with her, the next day he made an appointment to see a new therapist and had the appointment just before he got to my place. Apparently he was so shaken by seeing her that he had to schedule an emergency shrink visit! They broke up over a year and a half ago!

 

No call from him last night and all sorts of things are running through my mind: Even though he felt there was "nothing" there between he and his ex, he could be wrong, and maybe they'll be getting together again this weekend. Why would she call him 3 months after No Contact and have dinner with him ON his birthday?

 

So if he does call me, do I get together with him in person and do this, or just do it on the phone?

 

What if he calls and apologizes profusely for what happened (unlikely...but possible)

 

What if he doesn't call at all this weekend? Do I call him and end it?

 

I know I got myself into this situation, and it was risky. But it's so hard to meet people I click with and I hate to say I'm feeling downright discouraged about meeting someone and I see many months of lonely days and nights ahead. The thought just brings tears to my eyes. I know there are a lot of people in the same boat. I know I need to think more positively, that it's the right thing to do and will pave the way for me to meet someone who wants a committed healthy loving relationship with me.

[Batya33]

But, you can't click with someone, really, if they don't click with you, right? And I mean click as in being on the same wavelength as you. He is not over his ex the same way you are not over him for months after a not that long relationship -- it happens, right?

 

I don't think you need to have "a talk" -- it's not like he has had real "talks" with you about his ex - he's simply shown you with his actions -- and a few words - that he's still into her. thereforee, I would just simply say "thanks for the invitation but I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore." If he asks why, just say simply "we are looking for different things" - don't get into a long drawn out wordy discussion because that may trigger other feelings/bonding.

 

It is hard for everyone to meet people they click with but you never need to settle for scraps.

[rapunzel]

I agree with COD. Is this something you need to "break up" or do you just simply decline further dates? The latter might be easier to do than a big "talk." Sorry you are disappointed.

 

I wondered this as well....we were seeing each other fairly regularly, so it wasn't like we were just having casual dates and we did have a pretty passionate physical rel'ship. I did go out of town several weekends this summer (without him). I'll admit he's not one for making advance plans so I would just make my plans and inevitably he would call me, sometimes several times into the night.

 

So yes, I did wonder if should I just be unavailable when he calls but I'm afraid if I don't end it, then HE may decide he needs to break up with me again. I don't want to go through that again. I'm also afraid if I just avoid him for a while, or decline dates that I will buckle and eventually agree to see him.

 

Also, it seems I can avoid a big talk if I do it on the phone. I don't think based on what happened that I need to do a big "in person" talk about it, it's not like I'm dumping him out of the blue and owe him anything. I can just be matter of fact, as COD said.

 

Here's what I thought I would say:

 

XXX, after the other night, it became clear how much you are not over XXXX. I care for you and I think we have a strong connection but I don't want to continue seeing you under these circumstances as it's not healthy for me. I was willing to try to see where this went but I think you need to figure out what you want and if you want XXXX, then maybe you should try to reconcile with her. Good luck.

 

Maybe I'll leave the part out about him reconciling with his ex...I'm just thinking a little reverse psychology might have an impact here. By encouraging him to reconcile with his ex, maybe he'll realize what he is losing with me...I don't know, just a thought.

 

annie24, I agree....I do think he will regret losing me. Unless of course, he does successfully reconcile with his ex. The unfortunate fact is that unless I quit our working situation, he may never get to really miss me, as complete NC seems to be what works in these situations. He didn't want his ex until she became unavailable and didn't want him...so typical.

[Batya33]

It sounds from your description that you were doing most of the work in getting together and pinning him down for advance plans (I know he called you last minute, etc but unless you told him that you preferred last minute plans and late night calls to see you, I find that an indication of his lack of seriousness)- and that despite the amount of time spent, he saw this as casual -- if he met someone else he felt like dating, he could. It sounds like you were close to or of the mindset that since he spent all this time with you it must be serious.

 

I don't think there needs to be a real break up but, sure, do whatever makes you feel comfortable and doesn't give you an excuse to keep seeing him and settling for scraps.

 

All the best to you -- and silently wish the ex all the best because she'll need all the good wishes she can get with a "project" like him, right?? ;-)

[rapunzel]

He did have a few talks with me about his ex. I also talked with him about my ex and my unresolved feelings, sadness, etc. We did talk more about it the other night, certainly.

 

I'll admit I want to leave the door open a little bit in case he realizes what he is losing with me. This book I'm reading "Make Up Don't Break Up" suggests you can break up with someone as a way to save your relationship. There are no guarantees but if you do it the right way, in a calm, strong even loving way, the person will go into their "emptiness", realize what they are missing and try to find their way back to you.

 

But maybe you are right Batya, quick and dirty and not a lot of explanation may be the way to go.

[rapunzel]

I wasn't doing most of the work. I never called him, he did all the calling and yes, most of it was last minute, day of or night of calls. This is why I specifically left town on several occasions, as I was making it clear I was not going to wait around for his calls. I agree it was not a good sign that he was not making advance plans with me, and I felt this WHILE it was happening and indeed it was worrisome. I agree that he probably felt it was more casual than I did.

 

I wonder about his ex, who I have met a couple of times. She is very pretty, nice, bubbly....9 years younger than he as opposed to my 2 years younger. I know from what he said that she wanted marriage, perhaps also a baby? (just turned 40), the whole bit. Of course, I know nothing...it's all speculation and doesn't get me anywhere.

 

Anyway, I like your "thanks for the invitation but I don't think it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore." That sounds like a break up to me!

[Clabs]

Hi Rapunzel

 

I agree with Batya here - the time is past for lengthy discussion. You deserve to be the prize in this and never second best.

 

Sure it may seem like there will be a lonely time ahead but only if you free yourself from this will you open yourself up for better things to come.

 

Take care of yourself honey, won't you.

 

Mark

[rapunzel]

Thanks Clabs...

 

I still have hope that if I don't see him for 3 weeks that he may come around. It guess it's normal to have this hope.

 

But I don't know if 3 weeks is long enough, and even if it is possible due to him still pining for his ex.

 

I'm feeling scared and shaky and wondering what lies ahead this weekend. I'm only human so I have to just accept that it's going to hurt for a while. And I have to have faith that I will eventually find someone to have a full loving relationship with.

 

thanks for your support....

[Clabs]

Aw hun

 

It is going to hurt for a while - you have held out hope for so long here, haven't you.

 

You do need to leave him completely alone now though - you know that.

 

Get through these sucky days - you know we are all here for you and we only want what is best for you.

 

Mark

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think you really do need to close this door...because he will keep running back to you as fall back person. He is pining for his ex and I have to wonder, do you really want someone who spends all this time dating you, having sex with you while thinking of his ex. Would you ever really trust that he is fully with you even if he makes any claim that he "saw the light". I would suggest that next time he calls you to do something, that is when you tell him that you can no longer do this and that it is best for both of you to go your separate ways since he is still hung up on his ex. You don't have to mention him reconciling with her...just leave it that bascially you are bowing out of this.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Yes, it sounds like he is still mooning for her, but gets lonely so rings you up to fill the loneliness.

 

I would honestly find it not acceptable if someone i considered my boyfriend told me he intended to spend his birthday with some unnamed 'friend' who turned out to be his ex girlfriend, and he seems cut up because things are not going well with her.

 

He's really into her, and into you as a backup plan and distraction while he hopes/waits for her to come around. You deserve much better than that.

[browneyedgirl36]

I think you really do need to close this door...because he will keep running back to you as fall back person. He is pining for his ex and I have to wonder, do you really want someone who spends all this time dating you, having sex with you while thinking of his ex. Would you ever really trust that he is fully with you even if he makes any claim that he "saw the light". I would suggest that next time he calls you to do something, that is when you tell him that you can no longer do this and that it is best for both of you to go your separate ways since he is still hung up on his ex. You don't have to mention him reconciling with her...just leave it that bascially you are bowing out of this.

 

I agree with this, mainly because it's very sound advice, and partly because, unfortunately, what CAD describes here is exactly what happened to me. I was his "fall back person," not just because he made me that person, but because I allowed myself to be that person, too.

 

I too have gone through feelings of wanting to leave the door open, just in case my ex's relationship with his previous ex doesn't work out, but then I ask myself exactly what CAD said, Would you ever really trust that he is fully with you even if he makes any claim that he "saw the light"? The answer in my case is...no. I can't even fathom going through all this again. I've barely survived it the first time. It think if it happened again, I would completely lose it. I don't believe for one second that he wouldn't leave me for her again, if the opportunity arose.

 

A little metaphor that illustrates how I felt when I was in my quasi-reconciliation with my ex last year: It was like walking in snow. You never know exactly how deep the snow is, how far down the solid ground lies. You step down tentatively and find that your feet sink only slightly, maybe not much at all, and you are relieved. You tell yourself you are OK, that you are on solid ground. So you relax a bit, and you walk with a bit more confidence. You might even walk a bit carelessly, stepping down harder, not paying attention to where your feet are. You do this for about six steps -- not long -- and then, on that seventh step, your foot hits the snow, and suddenly, the ground beneath you is gone, and you're up to your hips in snow, wet and freezing. You manage to pull yourself out of the hole, telling yourself you need to be more careful. Tentatively, you step down again, the ground seems solid, so you relax a bit and in a few steps, the ground gives way again, and this time, you're buried up to your shoulders, and it is much, much harder to get out. By the time you do, you're exhausted, frustrated, and uncomfortable. You ask yourself, do I want to keep walking on the snow? Do I want to continue treading on unstable ground, never knowing when it all might cave in on me?

 

That's how I felt when my ex and I were "seeing each other" last year. Sometimes, I felt very confident -- when he was calling and texting me a lot, the times he wanted to see me (usually VERY last minute, by the way). Soon, though, he'd pull away, and the ground would fall from beneath my feet, and I'd be left in a deep hole, wondering how I'd gotten there and having to claw my way out. Repeating this cycle so many times left me drained; it is exhausting never knowing if your next step will be the one that buries you. When my ex announced his reconciliation with his ex, I was devastated, for sure, but a part of me was relieved. For the first time in a long time, I knew exactly where I stood, and though it wasn't where I really wanted to be, at least I knew the ground was solid.

 

Rapunzel, you and I discussed this awhile back, and you said you felt you needed to give it a second chance, and I think that you should have if it was what you really needed to do. Your ex has proven, though, that he is NOT over his ex -- the fact that he went to an emergency therapy session the day after he had dinner with her, right before he came to see you -- speaks volumes about where he is in regard to her. He is in bad shape, and he really needs to sort himself out, particularly since his break-up with her was a significantly long time ago, and he is STILL suffering over her. I think his issues run much more deeply than just not being over his ex.

 

I know the feeling of finding very few people that you truly want to be with, and that it is hard to let go. There is a lot of fear there -- fear of losing them forever, fear of never finding anyone else, fear of being along forever -- so many of our choices and actions are dictated by fear, unfortunately. Fear often leads us to do things that are not healthy for us -- i.e. stay in bad relationships or relationships that are going nowhere -- and we have to find some way to prevent our lives from being dictated and shaped by fear.

 

My advice: Talk to him -- over the phone. Tell him exactly what you said you would in your last post -- that the situation is not healthy for you, that he needs to sort himself out, on his own, and that you cannot continue things as they have been recently. He MAY try to talk you out of it, telling you that he just needs time, that he really cares for you and enjoys your company, that he really wants to get over her, etc. -- but I really, really think you need to stand firm. He is in NO position to be with you (or anyone else, really) at this point. Try not to engage in a really lengthy discussion; it just confuses things. Then, let him go. Go NC for as long as you can, NOT to make him miss you, but to heal and move forward. Try not to think about whether he will change his mind, or whether three weeks NC is "long enough" to make him realize what he's losing, etc. -- Just think about YOU and what is healthy and good for YOU.

 

Hang in there...

[rapunzel]

Thanks browneyedgirl, COD, bestrong...

 

Excellent advice. I haven't heard from him since he sent the email yesterday morning. Here it is Friday night. I'm feeling pretty, pretty low right now. I'm trying to stay hopeful that everything will turn out for the best but I keep fighting back tears and feeling despondent about finding someone else and having a bona fide relationship with reciprocal feelings.

 

Thankfully I have plans tomorrow night and Sunday during the day. Tonight I did not have plans but just made some to meet a friend at her house for a drink.

 

You are right, BEG, his issues do run deeper than is ex. He is having a midlife crisis and questioning his choices, his work life, a lot of what has happened in his past. I would be willing to support him through that, as people do go through dark periods and need their friends to lean on. But the ex issue is also a big part of his depression, admittedly. He has major guilt and regret about what happened with her, and I don't have all the details.

 

In regard to "Would you ever really trust that he is fully with you even if he makes any claim that he "saw the light"?" I think people do eventually get over people. I've been madly in love with, obsessed with people that I don't give a hoot about today. So I think it's conceivable I could eventually trust him. People do change, feelings change.

 

That doesn't mean I'm going to forgive what happened this week.

 

I'm afraid I won't have the strength to answer the phone if/when he calls. I'm feeling too upset to talk to him right now. So then I'll have to call him back which will be even more nerve wracking. Or maybe he'll just have to try to reach me again.

[annie24]

I subscribe to a newletter of sorts, "Dating without drama" by paige parker. you can look it up if you are interested. today's email was very similar to your situation. the advice that paige gave to that woman is the same advice she took herself when her bf's ex-gf re-entered the picture and the bf wasn't sure how he felt. paige said that she backed off, gave the guy space, and started dating other men. she said she didn't want to do it, but she wanted to give this guy space to figure things out, but at the same time, figure out how SHE felt about HIM. She reported that after 1 meeting with the ex, the bf came back to paige after realizing he didn't love his ex anymore, he loved paige, and they eventually got married.

 

I think that's another thing you can do, instead of a full on break - just distance yourself, put up an online ad, start dating other men, and then spend that time deciding if this is the right guy for you either!

[rapunzel]

Thanks Annie -

 

How do I distance myself? When/if he calls I just turn him down and say I already have plans? Or do I tell him what I'm doing? Do I say: Thanks for the invite XXX but it's become clear that you need some time to figure things out so it's best we not see each other for a while."

 

He hasn't called yet by the way. He did send an email late last night to our group with his new cell phone number. He never had a cell phone and was planning to get one. Of course, my mind running amok that he finally got one because of his ex re-entering the picture.

 

I have thought about putting an on line ad up. Hate the thought of it but everyone else is doing it, right?

 

OK, he JUST called...I didn't pick up. I feel too emotional to talk to him this morning guys. Help.

[emalkoc]

Rapunzel, you need to clear with him and shut the door down...

 

He is NOT emotional for you. He will never I believe. Hence, best bet for you to move on, COLD NC now..

 

You have been torturing yourself with his causal dates and talks...sorry to say that but you allowed with the hope of his return...

 

When someone really loves someone, he or she never talks about his/her ex, because that person usually rarely crosses her/his mind. just a hint!

 

take care

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Rapunzel, i know it is hard, but you need to not run from conversations with him about this.

 

I think what you should tell him is the truth, that it is painful to feel second best and like he'll leave any minute the ex calls him back, and that he should only call you again if and when he decides she is a closed door and he won't still be pining for her and trying to meet up with her. If he can't do that, then you can't be together.

 

Tell him you need to find someone who does think you're great, and wants you above anyone else. Until he's ready to do that (if ever), then you need to date other guys.

 

Then see what he does, meanwhile dating other guys.

[bob1000]

hi Rapunzel, remember reading your story back in the day. Think we must've been going through break ups the same time. My story has some similarities with yourself.

 

I agree with BeStrong. The important thing is not to worry about what issues the ex has, but what you want.

Never really went on a reconciliation but, the ex kept popping back in to my life whenever i thought i had totally gotten over her. Eventually, i just decided to tell her straight out how i felt and she would have to try harder if she wanted anything from me.

 

Not out the woods yet, but it felt REALLY good for the first time post-split to set things out on my terms. Keeping it up is obviously a different matter

but I'm sure you're a hottie and there are other guys out there who won't mess you around half as much