Big Bump on road to reconciliation

[Batya33]

Once again you are taking what I wrote to extremes -- for example I never said he had no feelings for you - and that's just not a productive discussion to have. I am referring to my opinion about your particular situation. If I were in your situation I would not have started dating him again without his clear "I want to be in an exclusive relationship with you" and without clear actions to back up those words. But that's just me. You analysis and rationalizations just convince me even more that what you're doing is unhealthy and that he is not "that" into you. It's a matter of degree -- the extremes you refer to have nothing to do with my input which was meant to be far more nuanced.

 

Of course you can know what the chances are of his committing to you - everyone can, because when people desire to be in a committed relationship they make that VERY clear to the other person to avoid the risk of losing that person to someone else. Of course there can be exceptions but I think those exceptions are very rare and from all you have written about this guy's mediocre to no interest in you (and I mean interest in an exclusive romantic relationship with you) I don't think the exceptions apply and I think his jealousy is irrelevant - big deal, many people don't want their exes to move on even if they don't want the ex themselves - that's just selfish behavior, not necessarily interest, and nothing you've written shows that it's the latter any more than the former.

 

I never said there were hard and fast rules - that just seems to be the excuse you tell yourself to continue in this arrangement/situation. What it's about is a nuanced analysis of benefits v. risks - and for me the "possibility" that someone might commit to me - in your particular situation with the months and months of his wishy washyness, of you grasping at any sign that he might be interested in being with you, and now with this never being sure if you're going to hear from him again - again - to the degree you describe - is nothing about hard and fast rules, it's about your situation.

 

I completely agree that allowing someone to miss you can lead to their realization of wanting to be with you. It would be great if after all this time you could finally commit to letting this guy miss you and resisting the temptation to involve him in your life with the excuses you used to make to do so. That sounds very promising and I hope you can follow through on that and your statements about taking care of yourself.

[rapunzel]

Thanks Batya for your thoughts and I was not referring to *your* response specifically with my statements, these are just general statements. I'm sorry you feel I was reacting in the extreme. I did not mean to put you on the defensive. I'm just venting and getting my thoughts out, all part of the process.

 

Yes, I also hope I'll be strong enough to let him miss me. My feeling today that I cannot continue in this pseudo-relationship and I have to view it from position of personal power and not let my mind go to a position of weakness....e.g. "I did something wrong, I'm not attractive enough, I screwed up", etc It really is ALL in the way one looks at things, and the thoughts that one chooses. So today I choose to believe that there is something better for me than this current situation. Perhaps he will miss me, perhaps not.

 

I am aware my chance of him truly being able to miss me is not as great as long as we work together (thankfully only 3-4 times a month) and I cannot disappear completely. Such is life. I'll have to take it as it comes and see how the working together thing pans out, and then make my decision depending on how I feel.

 

But today the thought I choose is that HE is going to have to deal with seeing ME 3 to 4 times a month and knowing what he could have HAD with me but since he wants to keep his options open, he runs the risk of losing ME forever. And he continues to run the risk as long as I am out there dating others and possibly finding someone else. As long as I choose a positive, powerful, self-preserving attitude (a "his loss" way of thinking), then I should be able to weather this and emerge stronger, no matter what the outcome.

[Batya33]

That's great - now just choose to make your actions consistent with your mindset.