Should I stay silent and drop off the face of the earth?

[dqueen]

(For those of you who are not familiar with my story, you can read my old thread for information on the breakup here: )

 

Anyway, the ex contacted me about a month ago saying that he was about to get engaged and wanted to speak to me before his upcoming engagement. I was in strict NC with him at the time. I think he just made up the story about getting engaged to get a reaction from me, hoping that I'd panic and break NC. Well, I didn't panic but I did break NC. We got back to talking again but I was a bit apprehensive about giving us another try after his infidelity.

 

So, what is the problem you ask??

 

Well, the problem is that I have very strong feelings for him. He and I have this very strong mental connection that I just can't shake it off. Despite all the crap he's put me through, all the pain, all the tears...why do I still feel this way??? I should be hating him with every bone in my body...believe me, I have tried and it is just not happening. I hate this!

 

Last week, he told me that he was thinking of me and in my moment of weakness, I told him I felt the same. And with that, we were back to same old routine again...emailing each other, IMing, phone, etc...it was like we had never broken up.

 

Only just a week ago, I had a moment of panic and all the hurtful feelings came flooding back again. I felt so hurt and used...how could he think I was okay with having him back in my life again after what he's done?? My mind started to race with thoughts of him and her together (let's call her Jane)...the times he'd humiliate me in front of her and our mutual friends...the despicable lies he'd tell me about how he never had feelings for me and how they meant nothing to him. The times he was there for her when she did not go to bed with her husband...the times when she was pregnant with her second child right up to the birth. She got all that love and attention from him...love that should've been mine! It seemed like I had forgotten all these things and suppressed the hurtful feelings due to my weakness. I began to feel like I was second place to Jane, as if I was merely a replacement to provide him titilation on his lonely nights. He knew that regardless of how his infidelity damaged me, I would always take him back.

 

I never responded back to his email again which he sent me about a week ago...leaving him to wonder what happened to me, although that was not my intention. Right now, I have a ton of instant messages from him wondering where I went. Should I stay silent, drop off the face of the earth and continue NC OR should I contact him and tell him something? Does he deserve answers or should he just go rot in hell? I do not have the strength to forgive him and I don't think that is something I am emotionally ready to do right now. I'm at a loss here and so sick of feeling like this.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

It doesn't sound like he ever made amends to you for what he has done...it sounds like the contact just picked up where it was left off and nothing was really sorted about what he did to you and how he betrayed you. Is that child his? I think you should let it go. You can't just pick up where things were left off as if nothing had happened...he needs to own up to what he has done and really feel remorse...it doesn't sound like that happened. I don't think you owe him any explanation at this point seeing as he doesn't feel he owes you any kind of remorse.

[dqueen]

It doesn't sound like he ever made amends to you for what he has done...it sounds like the contact just picked up where it was left off and nothing was really sorted about what he did to you and how he betrayed you. Is that child his? I think you should let it go. You can't just pick up where things were left off as if nothing had happened...he needs to own up to what he has done and really feel remorse...it doesn't sound like that happened. I don't think you owe him any explanation at this point seeing as he doesn't feel he owes you any kind of remorse.

 

No, the child is Jane's and her husband's, not my ex's. Jane was cheating on her husband with my ex. Due to the long distance between them with Jane being in the US and my ex being in the UK, they decided it would strictly be an online/phone relationship and they would never meet nor will Jane leave her husband to be with my ex. So they knew they would never have a physical relationship, yet my ex was still hopelessly devoted to her. Boggles the mind, doesn't it??

[itsallgrand]

Can't tell you what to do, but you already know what is the right course to take for you!!

 

You can drop off, if that is what is best for you, or you can let him have it - the feelings, the truth.

 

It alarmed me that you wrote: He knew that no matter how much the infidelity damaged me, I'd always take him back.

 

Ok. So you've lived up to his shoddy expectations. Instead of beating yourself up this time, or keep taking his crap - stand up and stop it. New rules, new standard of behavior, new honor to yourself and your worth Starting right Now!

 

You gotta look out for yourself.

 

I personally vote for telling him the truth, your feelings, and letting him have it. And then, you leave. And leave for GOOD. But only if you can do that now, and not have it be a big emotional show that ends with no follow through (you don't do what you say you are going to do).

 

At this point it's not about him it's about you not tearing yourself down any further. Self protection.

 

You've been willing to put so much effort and forgiveness to him, and to try and keep that relationship going, so now what about giving that to yourself?

 

Lady, it's time to start loving and valuing yourself again. Go from that position. And protect yourself til you get there - we are here to help you along the way!

 

p.s. You don't have to wait til you hate him, or til you no longer care - connection be there as it may - you just got to pick yourself up and decide, firmly inside "I do not deserve this, it's not good for me, and I'm not going to keep putting myself in this position." and act on that - instead of the rest.

 

lots of love

[Excalibur]

His past behavior is the best indicator of his future behavior.

 

It sounds more like you're a source of attention/adoration/distraction/diversion - than someone he considers to be a person with needs, wants, and feelings.

 

If both of you were involved with the other "because it's fun for me with you as ayou are" - when one of you changed and wanted something more significant in terms of shared elements and values - you'd move on and find somenoe else.

 

But right now - you're apparently continuing to involve with him hoping he evolves into the man of your dreams...while he involves with you because it gives him an ego boost and head rush, with you as you are, but on his terms and timeframe.

[Cimmie]

My ex has been trying this crap on with me. Idly, I read his messages, despite the urging of friends to delete and block his email.

 

Well, eventually I did that. I had learned by then that engaging in this sort of picking-at-the-scab behaviour would just lead me back into the whole cycle of dependency and emotional abuse again. It has taken me three years, and much pain, to get to the point where I am ok with NEVER having contact again.

 

dqueen, believe me, it DOES get easier. You will get to the point where you are not willing to put yourself through this for anyone ever again. No relationship is worth your tears...remember that old saying 'if somebody makes you cry, then by definition they are not worth crying over'. Put your own needs for emotional stability, reassurance, and self-worth above all else.

 

I was in the dumps. I remember lying on my back in a psych ward, suicidally depressed after my boyfriend of ten years, who I adored, had revealed he had cheated on me and lied over a period of years. I remember thinking that if I killed myself he'd probably be flattered. And when you are that low, you sink or you swim. But people get through that kind of devastation every day with their dignity somehow intact.

 

Don't let anyone bring you down!!!

[dqueen]

His past behavior is the best indicator of his future behavior.

 

It sounds more like you're a source of attention/adoration/distraction/diversion - than someone he considers to be a person with needs, wants, and feelings.

 

If both of you were involved with the other "because it's fun for me with you as ayou are" - when one of you changed and wanted something more significant in terms of shared elements and values - you'd move on and find somenoe else.

 

But right now - you're apparently continuing to involve with him hoping he evolves into the man of your dreams...while he involves with you because it gives him an ego boost and head rush, with you as you are, but on his terms and timeframe.

 

This here pretty much sums it up. And the reality of it makes me sad.

 

I really want to say something to him but I also don't. I think telling him will help me to get a load off my chest because right now I feel like I can't breathe. But the other part of me doesn't want to tell him anything. Let him sit there and wonder for life!!!!!!

 

Ugh!

[dqueen]

Well, I talked to him and said that I no longer want to have these hurtful feelings anymore and that I'm tired of these torturous thoughts that plague me. I hated thinking of him and her together and the only way to stop these thoughts is if he exited my life forever.

 

His advice? "Well, just be strong and try to get over it!"

 

 

 

I said I wanted strict NC forever. So he said that he will go, only because it is what I want and it will make my life easier for me. Finally, I can breathe a sigh of relief that it is OVER and I can MOVE ON.

 

Someone please convince me I said and did the right thing.

[GoldenHillGuy]

I don't think you need convincing...........You already know you did the right thing.