dqueen Posted July 13, 2008 Share Posted July 13, 2008 (For those of you who are not familiar with my story, you can read my old thread for information on the breakup here: ) Anyway, the ex contacted me about a month ago saying that he was about to get engaged and wanted to speak to me before his upcoming engagement. I was in strict NC with him at the time. I think he just made up the story about getting engaged to get a reaction from me, hoping that I'd panic and break NC. Well, I didn't panic but I did break NC. We got back to talking again but I was a bit apprehensive about giving us another try after his infidelity. So, what is the problem you ask?? Well, the problem is that I have very strong feelings for him. He and I have this very strong mental connection that I just can't shake it off. Despite all the crap he's put me through, all the pain, all the tears...why do I still feel this way??? I should be hating him with every bone in my body...believe me, I have tried and it is just not happening. I hate this! Last week, he told me that he was thinking of me and in my moment of weakness, I told him I felt the same. And with that, we were back to same old routine again...emailing each other, IMing, phone, etc...it was like we had never broken up. Only just a week ago, I had a moment of panic and all the hurtful feelings came flooding back again. I felt so hurt and used...how could he think I was okay with having him back in my life again after what he's done?? My mind started to race with thoughts of him and her together (let's call her Jane)...the times he'd humiliate me in front of her and our mutual friends...the despicable lies he'd tell me about how he never had feelings for me and how they meant nothing to him. The times he was there for her when she did not go to bed with her husband...the times when she was pregnant with her second child right up to the birth. She got all that love and attention from him...love that should've been mine! It seemed like I had forgotten all these things and suppressed the hurtful feelings due to my weakness. I began to feel like I was second place to Jane, as if I was merely a replacement to provide him titilation on his lonely nights. He knew that regardless of how his infidelity damaged me, I would always take him back. I never responded back to his email again which he sent me about a week ago...leaving him to wonder what happened to me, although that was not my intention. Right now, I have a ton of instant messages from him wondering where I went. Should I stay silent, drop off the face of the earth and continue NC OR should I contact him and tell him something? Does he deserve answers or should he just go rot in hell? I do not have the strength to forgive him and I don't think that is something I am emotionally ready to do right now. I'm at a loss here and so sick of feeling like this. Link to comment
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