moved to guest bedroom

[hardcharger]

married 22 yrs, can't take the meanness and hatred anymore. Last week I was once again caught by total surprise with a shallacking and rage, beaten up yet again. And the most terrible aspect was it was my wife once again turning my daughter against me. She is a diabolical devil, a destroyer. So after laying bed and realizing i don't want to "lay with" and comingle my spirit with this woman, I moved to the guest room, cozy.

 

I can hardly stand the sight of her and I turn away when she enters the room insteading of viewing her face. I am so sick of her unforgivining attitude, her pettyness and belittling. And, she has STOLEN my two childrens hearts from me.

 

I can't run, because i can't possibly leave this house which represents all i am and have worked for, of course, she has never appreciated it.

 

I guess I do have a question, wondering where this estrangement will lead to. We have always had a regular, fulfilling sex life, as least from my perspective, I wonder if that is gone. And I worry that eventually, with not sex life, that fate will flow and someone else will enter my life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If your wife is that bad...a physical (not sure if you were being literal when you said beaten up), verbal and emotional abuser...and you can't even look at her anymore, I don't understand why you are so concerned, at this point, about what will happen to your sex life. If your kids are in the same house then they see what is going on...if your wife is that evil then they will see it. If they are siding with her either they are very scared of crossing her or there is a legitimate reason why your wife is very angry with you. Clearly your relationship isn't working. You actually can leave...you can talk to a lawyer and find out about your rights with the house. Remember that a house is simply 4 walls...is it worth the price of your sanity?

[DavidWRosario]

hardcharger - I am walking the same path, my 19 1/2 marriage with two kids was thrown in my face back in May. I moved out the next day. I rented a small apt and am desperately trying to heal. From what it sounds like she was very controlling in the relationship and you thought doing all the things she wanted would keep her happy. That's part of my story and when she got all she could get from me- she dismissed me like yesterday's trash.

 

Now what I did according to my counselor, my lawyer and my friends was wrong. I gave her everything - proceeds from a house sale, checking account, savings, cars, personal property - I mean everything. My personal reasoning and this doesnt work for anyone else but me. I cant see how two people love each for 20 years and then split and fight over the can opener. Besides with out all that stuff that "WE Brought" I dont get emotional when I open a can. It is impossible for me to go some place we frequented and not well up.

 

I can tell you I wonder about the sex life myself. I may have it worse than you. I am a born again Christian and according to God's word, you are either with the wife of your youth or you are single and celebant - No middle ground.

 

If your marriage is over and counseling wont work. Split the stuff, move on and begin to heal. You owe that debt to your self. I can tell you, I am dealing with and not sure where it is going to end. I know early on my life was over, I felt My God had left me and I wanted to die. I seriously considered it 5 times. The only thing that kept me from it was I work with kids and all I could see in my mind was My kids seeing me on the front page of the local newspaper with a banner that states Committed Suicide.

 

I can suggest you may want to go see a counselor for yourself. It is not to "Save" the marriage. It is to help you stand up and see that somewhere in this train wreck you are still whole and still there.

 

Lets talk

 

Dave

[hardcharger]

this leads to a very complicated discussion of what really are family values. I saw my mother and father fight for years and years. And not too long ago I was at his deathbed with my mother and siblings and I saw the value of them staying together, of shall I say, the value of my father putting up with my mothers never ending "garbage". He sacrificied himself, somewhat, for our good. And maybe in the end he was the victor. I saw a lawyer a few years ago and he said, make yourself happy, blah blah blah, and he was on his 3rd wife. A new friend i just met is waiting for his third wife to move out. Yes, I have my own turmoil, but at least it is focused on one person.

 

to my christian buddy, i'm getting ready for church myself, (not evangelical). Don't know what church you are in, but divorce is rampant in our society and I think you will find many of your fellow worshipers, even with the strenght of their religion behind them, have choosen or fallen into divorce. It happns and being about 50 I can see many instances where divorce was the best answer "in the long run".

 

Now she will feel the rejection of a man who doesn't even want to sleep with her or be with her. I have forgiven and forgiven and I will forgive again, but there comes a breaking point. (only mental beatings around here)

 

actually, I think we will go ~back to counseling, it really seemed to work for us 2 yrs ago when we had a similiar situation of "madness" in our home. of course there is so much more to the situation.

[DavidWRosario]

My mom and Dad fight the same battle, I am amazed they have stayed together for so long. They only have the fight left, they just exist.

 

One of the things that gave me some hope was the fact that once I spoke with a few church members who always seemed happy I found out that they were also separated or divorced. I really questioned God about what was going on. I dont blame him, I just dont understand what could possibly going on. I figure now it is Chasening. My faith has grown stronger and I know God and I can "ranger on".

 

Like my split up - I think there is a issue that you guys have not touched on yet. It is something that she "thinks" is a problem and you have gone passed it long ago.

 

I have forgiven my wife everything. I even forgive her for the venom that comes from her mouth now. I will always love her, no matter what she does. I feel bad that we can not be together any longer. God has a path for her to travel and one for me. I hope the Children turn out well.

 

I learned something from my counseler that may help and I tell myself many times a day. It might help you.

 

the two things are:

 

There is a God

 

I am not him

[hardcharger]

everyone has all this good advice,(not necessarily in this thread), like don't take that, just leave, esp the youngsters already divorced before 30, but they don't seem to understand the deep responsiblity that comes with marriage and esp with kids. Let the other partner be the irrational one ready to just quit and leave. We have a Tremendous amt of history together and my morals now will make me a "better catch" in the future when some woman realizes the kind of man I am, and she will know that I will put up with her eccentrities and faults too, inevitable, yes we are not god.

 

but, my major quote, is To Thine Self Be True, and that is in the long run. There is only so much I can bear and I am going to have to start living a life more apart and separate from my wife because I can not bear the constant emtional Toxic Waste Dump that I am being pulled into. And for years and years, I have no answers, I see no possibility that a change in my behavior will do anything, because it just keeps coming at me. I have had a diary chronicaling this abusing for the past 3 yrs and it is a help and a solace to me.

 

She'll see what it is like to be adrift in her mid 50.'s and see what the pool of companionship is like. Who wants to be alone? She will see that the next man comes with his own set of problems. And I realize that too, but it will be much, much easier for me to make my way in this world.

 

of course, if your thinking just get divorced is the simple answer, just head out to link removed and see how it can go.

[DavidWRosario]

I dont know about being a better catch down the road. Right now I live day to day - spend time with God, goto Work, go to Church and wait to see my kids again. Right now that is all the existence i have. I have stop trying to see around the corner. What I do know is that staying within ear shot of of my wife is hazardous to my mental health. I simpithize with you about the situation my investment was 19 1/2 years plus dating time, I cant imagine being with someone else.........ever. Good luck figuring this out.

[meinreallife]

I joined this conversation late. I am in a very similar situation, except I only really figured this out after falling in love with someone else (non-physical). This someone else is now out of my life and I see my relationship of 20 years for what it is. Me following along and going along for the last 10 just to keep the peace. I find myself sleeping on the couch more nights than in the bed. How did I get here? I'm the good guy. I heal, I make things work. Now at 43 I wonder did I ever really think about happiness for myself? I think all the advice about working at your relationship does not take into account the real essense of your SO. Are they the kind of person you would choose today if you could start over? I do not mean that in a shallow way either (younger, skinnier, prettier). I mean it from a personality blend. One that makes you each grow. One that makes you better than you were. I think as humans we are not very smart making these complex decisions and the early in life you make them, the poorer your decisions are.

 

Not sure if any of that helped.

[hardcharger]

> How did I get here? I'm the good guy. I heal, I make things work. Now at 43 I wonder did I ever really think about happiness for myself?

 

yes i feel that way too. But a divorce can be very nasty business at this age. I have to think about my relationship with the kids which is already terrible, ALL because of her. What a chump, turning my kids against me!

 

>I think all the advice about working at your relationship does not take into account the real essense of your SO.

 

Completely. What can I say except the Real problems in our relationship are because of her. She is the one totally out of hand. Sure, we would have our bumps, but she is the one with rage and the dry drunks, the day after day anger, the 24/7 negative attitude, oh wait, except when she leaves the house, then she is an Angel.

 

>Are they the kind of person you would choose today if you could start over?

 

Not on your life. Not when the devil comes out. I would demand someone that has actual "respect" for me as a person and as a man. Simple respect.

 

>One that makes you each grow. One that makes you better than you were.

 

She is a chain around my neck as a human being. But she fulfills her duties as a housewife and she used to fulfill them as a lover, now I don't even want to "lower" myself to take that. She is in a tailspin and as her personality develops and matures it is only going to get worse.

 

But getting what we want is not that simple, there are more and more working on or leaving their 3rd marriage that are popping up. And then....maybe what'll happen is you'll get mine and I'll get yours. And for a while it'll seem like that was the answer. Mine is a superb actress and maybe she'll think you are the answer to her troubles. But give it a little time, because the true you will come out and believe me, the true her will come out and then she'll start hating you, all the while hating herself.

 

Maybe I got the better of this. It has made me a better man. I learned about forgiveness and have learned to forgive routinely. I have not other choice.

[John Bendix]

Hardcharger,

 

I have to concur on the part of when she is out of the hous, she's an angel. To quote my Irish grandmother, "Street angel, house devil". The lies that people tell and portray will come back to bite them.

 

The actress part you mentioned comes up when my kids, all three, say that my X is being phoney. Believe me that does not make me feel better to hear them speak about their mother in this way. I do not know how old your kids are but it is extremely possible that they will see the truth later on.

 

My advice is to be yourself with them. They will see through any attempt at manipulation. They will see through the "Disneyland" parent that portrays everything as being great woth you when it is not.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

When you start calling your wife the devil, it is time to do one of these things (or all of them):

 

1. Call a marriage counselor.

2. Get one (or both) or you a psychiatrist.

3. Get a divorce.

 

A family is meant to be a nurturing place of safety. If you're perceiving each other as the devil, there is something so significantly wrong it can't be ignored. It is worse for the kids in a marriage like this than one your own. Do something about that.

[kuhl282000]

I suggest you get back in your room and really fast get in there and stake your claim, the guest room is the ticket "OUT" if you stay there for long and you are saying without any words that your really on the way out. Get in their and be a warrior no matter how hard it is and fight for what you believe in. Otherwise you be prepared to get your bags packed because that is where your headed.

 

Good Luck .....been there done that, and the guest room is not a fun place to be.