Friend of over 7 years has always been in love with me

[BeStrongBeHappy]

The point is this is not a 'normal' friendship. Absolutely nothing normal about it. And not really healthy either for these reasons:

 

1. It has a very distinct 'daddy/daughter' overtone to it. He is 13 years older, and constantly treats you like his little princess, lavishing gifts on you, telling you in essense 'you'll always be my little girl' even if you marry. So it is kind of creepy from that standpoint.

 

2. Perhaps you are enjoying your daddy/daughter roles too much. Did either (or both) of you have either an emotionally deprived or overly spoiled childhood. You are both bouncing off those issues in this relationship.

 

3. You are both dreaming if you think things won't change if you marry. Do you really think your husband will want some older guy involved in a weird daddy/daughterish relationship and want this guy hanging around and cooing how special you are into the phone? I don't think so. This can only go on until you actually do marry.

 

4. No matter what the guy says, he is tortured, and just keeping a lid on it because he is trapped in an unhealthy obsession. I don't care if he's an adult, any guy who says he will never love anybody but you is stuck in an unhealthy obsession if you keep rejecting him sexually.

 

5. You have all the hallmarks of a romance, just without the sex. One or both of you must have sexual issues to stay in a relationship like this. Most people who aren't interested in someone get creeped out if the guy keeps hanging around alleging undying love when you reject them. And most guys won't hang around for 7 years if romantically rejected. This has settled into a daddy/daughter sexual tension kind of thing, and it is not healthy.

 

When in doubt, do the compassionate thing. It is not compassionate to either of yourself to keep fostering a relationship that is unhealthy. It just isn't normal and you both know it. It is like enabling a drug user. The solution is to stop the relationship, and both of you go find HEALTHY friendships, or HEALTHY romances, not some daddy/daughter limbo thing.

[Anon333]

Gross, I wish you hadnt compared this friendship to daddy/daughter thing. It grosses me out. The age difference was strange in the beginning, but now that I am older it does not seem like a big deal, as I have friends of all ages. The fact that he has deeper feelings for me than friendship is the strange thing. Last night I told him I dont think we should be friends, that I am preventing him from finding the right person for him and that our relationship is unhealthy, to which he replied that he would NEVER be happy without me in his life. And that he would not trade a second with me, past, present, or future.

 

I could understand if he was saying I was torturing him and that the friendship he has with me is too difficult, but he has pretty much been consistant in saying that I make him happy in his life, and if I stopped being his friend, he would always be sad. I would be sad if he wasnt in my life either. Its just a difficult place to be when this person doesnt want to end the friendship either...

[grymoire]

You are a good person. You did the right thing....

 

You told him this is unhealthy but this guy keeps telling that he wants you in his life... I am so worried for him because he has reached a point of no return....

 

There is one more kind thing you can do.. which is - continue the friendship but significantly reduce the time you spend in person/on phone/online... He should just know that you you both are friends but there is no active friendship there... get my drift? If he calls 5 times you respond 1 time... It is rude and cruel to be like that but that actually is the kindest thing to do for this guy now because he obviously has lost his bearings.

[Anon333]

Thanks grymoire. I have always tried to tell him I dont want our friendship to hurt him. But there have been times on the past that I have hurt him by flirting with other guys in front of him, etc... He once hung out with a group of friends of mine that included my boyfriend and got along okay with him, he even said that my boyfriend was better than most of the loser's I have dated..haha...That boyfriend ended up hating him though when he sent me flowers on valentines day....But I think my friend has developed a VERY thick skin over the years, in terms of dealing with his feelings for me. But once in awhile he cant hold it in.....

 

As for gradually reducing the friendship time, youd be surprised how many times we've gone a month or two without talking. Our friendship seems to dwindle at times. We text eachother once every day or two. We talk on the phone maybe twice a month. I never see him. And when I have dated other people, it has been like I rarely talked to him or saw him for months. Then there have been times when we are both going through difficult times and we both just happen to be there for eachother.....

 

But even if I rarely talk to him, or if I stopped talking to him for a month or two. It would not change how he feels, in fact it would make his feelings stronger. Is there such thing as someone feeling like they love someone in a timeless soulmate way no matter if they ever talk to them again in their life? I think that is how he feels about me....

[Sunshine311]

My stomach is just in knots over your situation. As I said a few posts back, I was in your exact situation for three years. Being out of it now, and looking back, it just sickens me how dysfunctional and unhealthy it was.

I read one reply that called you selfish and it got quickly shot down, but honey, that post was dead on. The thing is, is that you cannot see it right now, but you will. When you get out of this mess you will look back and realize how much you used him. None of it is intentional, you're not a bad person, but on a subconscious level that you don't even see right now, you are using him for your own selfish needs. He strokes your ego, makes you feel like a beautiful princess, he drops everything to accommodate your needs, he's your supporter, you will never worry about being alone in life because he'll always be there. You can justify yourself all you want by saying that you've been clear with him about your feelings, but that doesn't cut it. I validated myself too by telling myself I've been totally honest with this guy about only wanting a friendship. I figured 'hey, he knows I only want him as a friend, so if he's OK with that, then it's not my problem'. That some how made my hands washed clean of any responsibility. It's something we tell ourself to help us sleep at night. But deep down, we know it's not true. What happens when he distances himself from you? When he starts dating another girl and not paying as much attention to you? Are you OK with it, or do you suddenly put yourself in his path, and somehow sabotage his relationship for fear of loosing him? I'd bet you suddenly through glimmers of hope at him to get him back focused on you again - that's what I did. I never wanted him as a boyfriend, but without him I'd be alone, and that fate was much, much worse to me.

Having someone adore you so much, and not having any strings attached is the most empowering feeling in the world, it's like a drug - not for him, but for you.

And no, it's not right to say that it's his decision if he wants to stay and put himself through this misery with you. He's addicted and cannot stop. I'm sure an alcoholic, a gambler, and a drug addict know alcohol, gambling, and drugs are not good for them, but they do not have the ability to just stop - they need help. They know it's unhealthy and they shouldn't do it, but they're too weak to walk away. So it's really not fair of you to say that he should just stop your relationship if it's no good for him. I'm sure if he could he would, but he doesn't have the power or strength to do it.

I don't expect you to understand what me, or anyone else is telling you right now, because when I was in my situation I didn't. It's only now that that chapter of my life is over and I've moved on and we no longer speak that I can look back and go 'Wow, that was the most messed up thing I've ever been involved in in my life'.

You don't mean to, but you are destroying this man. Although I'm happily married and the last I heard my guy 'friend' was engaged, but about 6 months ago he contacted me on facebook asking how I was doing and that if I ever wanted to chat sometime to send him a message. It bothered me - this guy is seriously disturbed. My husband flipped. He knows the history of this guy and it haunts him still to this day too.

 

Please, do the right thing and end it. If he lives far away, it really shouldn't be that difficult. It will be very hard, but it's the right thing to do so both of you can move on and live healthy lives. No other man in your life, or woman in his will ever be OK with this creepy friendship you guys have going. It will never sustain.

 

Oh, P.S. I really liked the daddy/daughter post. May have sounded creepy, but I think there is some truth to that. Just because this guy isn't old enough to literally be your father, he dotes on you like one. Did you have a bad relationship with your father? My father is a horrible man, been a bad father my whole life. When I read that post, it made total sense to me.

[grymoire]

I think a good thing here is to give you an idea of what went on between me and my friend for whom I had feelings.

 

After she rejected me I said I don't want to continue the friendship but she pleaded a lot. We then continued as friends. But she knew that she never mention about her dating life because it will hurt me. I didn't want to know about it either... So usually she never talks to me about that part of her life at all. But once in a while during a conversation she will mention about her ex-boyfriend or the current boyfriend.. It would just be a sentence or two. But I couldn't take it and I told her "look i don't want you to talk about your dating life or exboyfriends... if you get a boyfriend let me know i will feel happy for you, if you breakup let me know i will be there for you to support you... other than these two things i don't want to know anything". I also told her "and one more thing... I will never attend a party or event if your boyfriend is also there".. She was shocked to hear that but nevertheless she accepted it. I am not the type of person that will hurt inside but act as though I am happy to hear about her dating life...

 

Once I went to a concert along with her and her friends... during the concert one guy started hitting on her and it hurt me a lot... I just kept quiet and didn't say anything to her... I just left the place early. Two days later she invited me to another event and this was my reply to her "I am sorry but I can't come.. Your girlfriends will ask you about your dating life or there might be a possibility that some guy will hit on you... As you know I can't deal with those things. I will meet you some other time". She was very very hurt that I refused to come... She kept pleading again and again... But I was very strong and said 'no'. She told this is not a healthy friendship... As her friend I am not supposed to get jealous. She also said that she is following my rules but i am not doing anything for her... I told her "you knew that I had feelings for you... you decided to continue the friendship knowing this. i have also made sacrifices for you... do you have any idea how difficult it is to just be friends with a person that you actually like?"

 

I have made the sacrifice... she also made the sacrifice... and we are still friends....

 

When she gets a boyfriend I will hurt... but for her I will feel happy. As her friend I am not supposed to feel hurt when she gets a boyfriend... But we both know that it is not like a normal friendship... We understand the limitations... and we got to just look at the big picture and live with it.

 

you ask if it is possible for some one to love a woman in this way... kinda like a soulmate. I say "no". surprising right? if you think he actually loves you so deeply then you are only making a fool of yourself. just look at what is happening... you guys never dated... you both were never in an actual romantic relationship.. yet this guy says he loves you. how can that be? without knowing deeply about you how can he love you? even people that are in actual relationships take a long time to fall in love... you know what is happening here? he is in a state where he views this whole thing as some kinda challenge or competition that he must win... his ego is unable to take your rejection.... he is constantly wondering "does she like me or not? does she like me or not?"... he is not thinking "do i like her?"... did you see the difference.... he is just obsessed with you.. that is all.... just in case if you say "my feelings for you have changed... lets date" and start a relationship with him i can guarantee that it will end in like 2 or 3 months max..

[grymoire]

There you go Anon333!

 

This is an EXCELLENT post. Word for word!

 

You can have one or two posters here saying that you are not selfish because he is a grown up and hence it is his responsibility. You will also be told that people leave relationships that are bad for them so if he wants he can leave. BUT as I mentioned earlier this is unlike any other relationship... This man is intoxicated with you... You are his drug... He thinks it is love but it really is an addiction. This is some thing like a guy that sells cigarettes... he can wash away his hands and say "people WANT to buy this stuff from me... they are grown ups.. they know the consequences" but deep down he will know what he is doing is wrong. The right thing for him to do would be to say to his customer "Sorry I don't sell this stuff any more... I am not giving you even if you throw a fit at me". Is he suffering any loss? yes but guess what? he can sleep peacefully at night knowing that he did the right thing.

 

Don't be like Pontius Pilate... doing some thing wrong and then washing off your hands... Even though he washed his hands he is still responsible for what he did.

 

You can either take the advice from some posters that say that you are doing the right thing OR you can take the candid advice coming from people that have actually been in this situation.

[jettison]

I read one reply that called you selfish and it got quickly shot down, but honey, that post was dead on. The thing is, is that you cannot see it right now, but you will. When you get out of this mess you will look back and realize how much you used him.

 

That's your experience - your personal, one-time experience. They all have similarities, buy every relationship is unique. Of course she is using him. But is she using him any more then he's using her? She's not. They are using each other for companionship. That's what people do. It's not "sick". It's arguably an unhealthy dynamic. But better put, it's human nature. Even in a committed marriage, people fall out of love and then stay married. Does that also sicken you? These people end up "using each other" for companionship. That's what happens. And truly, over time, this is what happen to almost everyone. Are you a proponent of all of these relationships disintegrating if they are not going off like fireworks?

 

Let's make no mistake about it. These two ARE in a relationship. Each of them wouldn't be going at it and also getting something out of it for 7 years if they weren't. There is no sex. There is no ownership. There is no proclamation or validation, but undeniably, it's a relationship. It is a relationship that each has put a voice to. He says "it makes him happy" while she says it makes her feel good. They each fill a roll in each other's life. Who are any of us to decide what's right or wrong?

 

There's no emotional abuse here either. Emotional abuse would be her telling him how much she loves him, and then shooting him down after he tries to show her love. That's not the game here.

 

 

None of it is intentional, you're not a bad person, but on a subconscious level that you don't even see right now, you are using him for your own selfish needs. He strokes your ego, makes you feel like a beautiful princess, he drops everything to accommodate your needs, he's your supporter, you will never worry about being alone in life because he'll always be there.

 

And he's doing the same thing to her. He's using her. He's projecting his "love" onto her because he knows that she'll take it and not run. Perhaps in the past he's said "I love you" to others, and they've bailed. Her? She may not feel the same way, but she's stuck around. So, he gets a payoff. There is no addiction here. She's not a bottle of Jim Beam or an ace high straight. She's an outlet for him. People don't engage in any kind of behavior, ever, minus a payoff. He's getting one.

 

 

You can justify yourself all you want by saying that you've been clear with him about your feelings, but that doesn't cut it.

 

According to what set of rules? Where is this written?

 

What happens when he distances himself from you? When he starts dating another girl and not paying as much attention to you? Are you OK with it, or do you suddenly put yourself in his path, and somehow sabotage his relationship for fear of loosing him? I'd bet you suddenly through glimmers of hope at him to get him back focused on you again - that's what I did.

 

This is a very interesting thought. I have to agree with you that if the woman is throwing out little love bread crumbs then she is unneccessarily leading him on, and that carries a level of dishonesty. If she's doing this, then she needs to stop. It's a compelling argument.

 

 

I never wanted him as a boyfriend, but without him I'd be alone, and that fate was much, much worse to me.

Having someone adore you so much, and not having any strings attached is the most empowering feeling in the world, it's like a drug - not for him, but for you.

 

It's like "a drug", or better put, it's like "a marriage" for half the married couples out there who are no longer feel the butterflies, the flames, or even much of a flicker.

 

And no, it's not right to say that it's his decision if he wants to stay and put himself through this misery with you. He's addicted and cannot stop. I'm sure an alcoholic, a gambler, and a drug addict know alcohol, gambling, and drugs are not good for them, but they do not have the ability to just stop - they need help.

 

This is actually an enabling way to think about it. The poor, poor, helpless addict. He just can't help himself. Poor him. I'm sure that he'd love it if he knew that random people on the internet were feeling so utterly sorry for him. Personally, I'm not one of them, and I think he'd appreciate me not feeling sorry for him much, much more then a bunch of people he think him the equivilent of a 12 year old. It is his decision. You can't just say that it's not and make it so. It's always been his decision. This is like saying that it's not an obese person's responsiblity for being fat. It is. It's a choice. It's always a choice. There is always a choice to make. The word addiction gets over used because it's such a simple way to remove personal responsibility from people. Life is freaking hard. If you don't get that, you get run over. It's not her responsibility that he chooses to stand in the middle of the metaphorical highway.

 

 

 

They know it's unhealthy and they shouldn't do it, but they're too weak to walk away. So it's really not fair of you to say that he should just stop your relationship if it's no good for him. I'm sure if he could he would, but he doesn't have the power or strength to do it.

 

More "poor him". It's insulting to him just to say that about him. Give him more credit until proven otherwise. Again, he's surely getting payoff here. The payoff might be as simple as being allowed to avoid falling in love with anyone real because that's too scary and terrifying for him. He is choosing to arrest his development, and she's the mask.

 

 

You don't mean to, but you are destroying this man.

 

Isn't that giving her a LOT of credit. She's practically God-like when cast in this light. She's not doing anything to him. He's doing this to himself. Similarly, Krispy Kreme donuts don't make people obese. People make themselves obese when they don't practice enough self control not to eat Krispy Kremes.

 

Although I'm happily married and the last I heard my guy 'friend' was engaged, but about 6 months ago he contacted me on facebook asking how I was doing and that if I ever wanted to chat sometime to send him a message. It bothered me - this guy is seriously disturbed.

 

He is "seriously disturbed" because he contacted you about a "chat sometime" on Facebook? What is more disturbing? The fact that you would call him "seriously disturbed" for simply wanting to talk to you, or the fact that he still thinks about you sometimes? He sounds less "disturbed" and more just "human" to me. You've made him into something ugly somehow, and that's on you. Is he weak-minded? Sure. But you've turned this guy who crushed on you into some kind of freak.... simply because it upsets your husband. You've been telling us how unfair you were to him for leading him on, but this is infinitely more unfair. Now that you're in a good situation, you cut him off and then call him distrubed because you no longer require his services.

 

 

Please, do the right thing and end it. If he lives far away, it really shouldn't be that difficult. It will be very hard, but it's the right thing to do so both of you can move on and live healthy lives. No other man in your life, or woman in his will ever be OK with this creepy friendship you guys have going. It will never sustain.

 

I give you that. Eventually, one or the other will find someone serious to be with and the contact will be lost.

[jettison]

You just called my advice unworthy because I haven't been in this situation? How would you know that about me? You're projecting. Actually, you're both projecting. You're coming from a place where you were hurt and dumped so you project your circumstance on to the OP. And the other poster projects her one time unrequited love situation as well. This is my experience so, thereforeee, this must be your experience. That's really reaching. Things aren't that black and white. People aren't that black and white. Everything contains nuance, especially human behavior and emotion.

 

 

I'd also like to add that for all of you people out there who feel so resposible for everyone else's lives, and everyone else's feelings, that's an awfully self-important to approach to life. People are responsible for themselves. If you don't see the world that way, then you don't think very highly of humankind. I would never hold people to such low standards and imagine myself and my thoughts about their life so much more important then their thoughts and their own ideas about their own life. My choice for their life is inconsequential. It is THEIR choice. This is a completely humanistic approach to life, love, and relationships.

[grymoire]

But you got to remember Jettison... we are not talking about a mature man that is aware of the consequences of his choices... this man may be 40 years old but in my opinion he is helpless... I would still say that yes the OP has lot of powers over him.. its not my intention to give him less credit... but i am just seeing things as they stand. Just take a real good look at this situation - this has been going on for 7 years. This man says he cannot find any other woman to love... he says even if the OP gets married he would still continue to adore her. It is obvious that he has gone nuts... Between the two only the OP is sane... and hence the responsibility of doing the right thing lies in her hands...

 

Yes he is also getting some payoff.. nobody is denying that. But compared to what the OP is getting his is minimal... And what is going to happen once this woman gets a boyfriend? that guy will feel lost and abandoned... Add to the fact he says that he can never fall in love with any other woman...

 

I still stand by what I said -> Anon333 should cut him off. That is the right thing to do. For him, for her, for his future relationships, and for her future relationships.

[jettison]

I respect this opinion. I honestly do. I could even argue, perhaps convincingly, that the OP telling him to go take a hike right now is going to ultimately benefit the forlorn man. I agree with everyone on this thread who says that the relationship is unhealthy. In fact, even the OP agrees. I also agree that this man is perhaps doing himself a disservice by staying in the life of the OP.

 

But ultimately, like you say, the guy is 42 years old. He's capable of being with other women. He holds down a job. He knows, quite consciously, that he's been crushing on the same woman for nearly a decade. If he wants to hang himself, then hand him the rope.

 

And only when he's made the decision for himself, when he's taken stock, reexamined, moved himself into a better situation, pushed for something more, will he be validated. Her dumping him now won't do it. Him dumping her would. Him making a decision to do best by him means that he has overcome. That's the only way.

 

And finally.... drama!! This guy doesn't even live near her. He sleeps with other woman. He's a grown man! Why must we feel so sorry for him? I'm feeling quite worse for all the patients I deal with every day who have terminal cancer and months to live. Truly, this little "relationship" isn't as tragic as you'd all like to make it. It's just two people, working out their little emotional issues on each other, and finding companionship a long the way. Do you want real tragedy? Three people I've worked with have died today. That's tragic. This isn't anything like tragedy.

[grymoire]

You are right... The very best solution in this case is for that man to really become a man and say to OP "I am unable to be your true friend... I tried and I have failed. I can't help but get jealous when you date other guys. I still want to be your friend because I care so much for you. I want to initiate No Contact with you for 6 months. During this time I will absolutely have no communication with you... I believe this space and time will help me to re-evaluate things between us. By the end of NC if I feel I can be your friend I will come back to you otherwise I will say goodbye".

 

But is he going to do some thing like this? Nope. He didn't for 7 years... and I don't think he is gonna do anything like it any time soon.

 

Given this situation what is the best solution? Anon333 can do some thing! She has the power to set things right here. That man is gone... I won't expect anything from him. But I do expect Anon333 to do the right thing... She does not have to explicitly tell that the friendship is over... but she can certainly put the distance in the friendship. If that also doesn't help him move on then yes... she got to do a surgical cut - cut the cord. Because if she continues its going to affect not just that man but also her, in one way or another.

[jettison]

Ok, well, you said in this thread to "take it from someone who has lived through it" or something close to that. In fact, I have lived through it. I've been on the wrong side of unrequited love once, when I was in college, and living in LA. I had this woman that I occasionally hooked up with, and we slept together a few times. I was "in love" with her. Really, I was infatuated with her. It was a huge lesson for me. I hung around, crushing on her as she had other boyfriends. In fact, she slept over at my apartment one night, brought friends, and banged some guy in my living room.... two feet from my bed on the other side of the wall.

 

So yes, I do understand, vaguely. I had never done this before, and I've never done it since. It wakes you up though if you let it. I ended up moving 350 miles away. In about a year, I fell in love again, but this time is was even, and it was amazing. The one I was crushing on still contacted me, still wanted to visit. I said no problem. She came up. She even met my new girlfriend. It was obvious to her how in love I now was with the new one, and how in love we both were with each other. Honestly, I didn't even think much about her being there. It didn't affect me in the least. I just said "thanks for the visit" and gave her a hug. The "spell" was broken.

 

About two weeks later, I got a handwritten letter in the mail from her. She told me that now she understood. She said "I blew it". She said, "I can't believe how jealous I am of your girlfriend, and it's driving me crazy." She basically said everything that I expected she would say. I never responded to that letter. I was nice though. I kept in minimal contact. Eventually she just disappeared on her own accord.

 

This guy can make a choice too. If he would grow a pair, and stop living in fear, he could open his heart and his mind to a new woman, and even make it work out. We are all capable of love. People have to want that, and have to make that decision for themselves.

[grymoire]

Yes.. I completely agree.

 

But here is the important thing -> Either that guy has to realize on his own just like you and me OR he needs to be here on ENA so that he can read all this advice. Neither of the 2 is a possibility... So what is the next best thing? Anon333 should do the right thing. There is no other go here..

[jettison]

Yes.. I completely agree.

 

But here is the important thing -> Either that guy has to realize on his own just like you and me OR he needs to be here on ENA so that he can read all this advice. Neither of the 2 is a possibility... So what is the next best thing? Anon333 should do the right thing. There is no other go here..

 

This is where we'll continue to disagree. The guy is not anon's responsibility unless he's either a family member, or 13. He's neither. He is his own responsibility. I know you see it differently. I don't think that's going to change. The whole martyr approach to relationships is just really over doing it IMVHO. The OP should never be put in a position to have to contemplate playing the martyr.

[grymoire]

This is where we'll continue to disagree. The guy is not anon's responsibility unless he's either a family member, or 13. He's neither. He is his own responsibility. I know you see it differently. I don't think that's going to change. The whole martyr approach to relationships is just really over doing it IMVHO. The OP should never be put in a position to have to contemplate playing the martyr.

 

Ok I understand your position on this. According to you Anon holds no responsibility in this situation..

 

So what is really the solution now?? Should they continue just like it is now... and just hope that one fine day that man realizes things by himself and does the right thing? I believe that he will be so screwed up by that point... as in he would be beyond recovery even if help is being offered...

[Raph]

I think you two may both be right, but what is the case here depends on the circumstances, as you're right - every case has its own merits.

 

What is clear though is that the man is addicted. But while we can philosophise, action is more important. The man won't willingly give up his dream. I've been there, and my own reaction has been that I need distance to help bury feelings. Maybe I was wrong, maybe my friend was wrong, maybe we were both wrong in what we did and how. I've overcome the situation my own way now - but in my case that's me breaking off even though it's me addicted to my friend.

 

It doesn't seem in this case though that the man is in a situation where he's ready to call it a day for anon333. What can anyone on this message-board do about him? Only anon333 is in contact so we can't really say too much on the guy. We can only give anon333 some advice. And what's different here to my case is that HERE, ***anon333*** is the one wanting action over this. So she CAN do something. Obviously such a relationship won't work - even if it doesn't break up, the guy will go to his grave so depressed. Does anyone have a responsibility for this? The man does, but so does anon333 at least to some extent if she doesn't break it off.

 

Either the man has to leave or anon333 has to leave for each other's health. Getting together might be disastrous as one person would be giving too much and it would be an unsatisfactory relationship. anon333 can't give in - she has to "fall in love" herself for a relationship to work .... Well, in this case they are apart (I think) so communication just has to break down. ... And I have realised that while anon333 started this thread, it's gotten to the point many are talking about her in second person sorry, anon333!

 

I don't know why people fall in love to be honest... Is it something we honestly genuinely control or are our brains designed and geared to make us establish families? We can kid ourselves a lot sometimes though. Maybe sometimes we mistake feelings for love, maybe it's an addiction or maybe it's infatuation - not love. Who knows? Are we in control of our feelings? I don't know about being in control of love but if *happiness* is at stake I DO know that it's only us hurting and the rest of the world is just mean I'm joking, but I do have a point there - if we changed our perspective then automatically we would see we don't have any REAL pain, and it's not stopping us from being happy.

[jettison]

Ok I understand your position on this. According to you Anon holds no responsibility in this situation..

 

So what is really the solution now?? Should they continue just like it is now... and just hope that one fine day that man realizes things by himself and does the right thing? I believe that he will be so screwed up by that point... as in he would be beyond recovery even if help is being offered...

 

The solution lies in the hands of the unrequited. It's up to him. What should she do? She's been doing nothing about it for 7 years now. She's clearly stated that she doesn't want this relationship to end. She's under no obligation, moral or otherwise, to end it. You could argue that this means that she's not being a great friend, but then I can argue right back that he's hardly being a friend to her. Again, this is a relationship, a sexless, rather loveless relationship, and both parties know what's at stake, know the game they are playing, no how to stop it, yet they choose not to. This means that each person values remaining status quo more then they value not knowing each other.

 

What's there to do? Nothing.

[grymoire]

I think Anon333 decided to abandon us instead of her guy friend

[Sunshine311]

I was a bit surprised the Jettison completely ripped me a new one here, but I"m not going to retort back with any comments. This is my experience, these are my feelings on the situation, and I stand by the advice I gave.

 

The only thing I do want to comment back on his you thinking him contacting me on Facebook was OK. You have no idea - none. When a man is completely obsessed with you, would absolutely do anything in the world for you and always will, but then you break out of it and move on, and you thought he moved on to, what business does he have contacting me?? Honestly, for what purpose?? To be my friend??? Not a chance. This is a man who's feelings for me went beyond anything you could ever imagine; it was SOOO unhealthy. Did he think I'd reply, my husband would be OK with it, and we'd start communication again?? None of his moves would be out of innocent friendship, not now, not ever.

[Anon333]

Hi everyone. I'm so sorry I havent been responding more. I take care of my niece during the day so my hands are usually full. All of your responses and opinions relaly mean alot to me, and I read all of your threads and have been trying to sort it out in my head. Just a few minutes ago I took my niece for a walk around the nieghborhood and gave my friend who I have been talking about a call. Again, I wanted to discuss all these things that have come up in my thread, or at least what I could think of.

 

One thing that I think i have a strong opinion about, is that everyone's relationship is different just as every person is different. So not to always agree with Jettison, I feel like he makes very valid points from the situation I am coming from. I feel this way, because when I called my friend up and discussed the situation in depth, he made it very clear that it was his choice to be my friend, that he knows he has feelings stronger than friendship towards me, but never expects anything from me, and that my friendship with him means so much to him. Most of you would interprit once again that he is brainwashed with love and cannot make his own decision, but I know that if he ever saw this thread, he would strongly argue that it is his decision to be my friend and that the good feelings he gets from our friendship WAY outweigh the the jealousy or hurt he feels at times.

 

I would also like to add that I have been on the other side. My very first relationship with someone we broke up with and I continued to be his friend, all the while being in pain and wanting to be with him. I remained his friend all the way through to meeting his new girlfriend. I cried to myself and this lasted maybe a couple years, until my feelings for him slowly turned into actual a caring friendship feeling and I became friends with his girlfriend, and we are good friends to this day. Had I done it over again, I'd have have known better to stop hanging out with him if it was hurting me so bad. But I blame no one but myself for doing that, and I am happy the way things ended up, and I learned alot from it.

 

I'm trying to remember all the questions asked. About if I would try to trick him and lure him in if he started dating someone else. I would not do that. The only jealous feelings I would have would be from not being number one in his life like I am used to, but I know that that is wrong to express to him or probably even feel. I would also have a bit of relief and feel less guilty about being his friend. But this man sleeps with plenty of women, meets plenty of women, and always has and always will. It's just he has not met anyone he likes as much as me, even though he knows he cant be with me.

 

He also was in a horrible sad state when I first met him. He was in a lousy job, was overweight, felt so low about himself, didnt even talk to girls, and hadnt really been with anyone in years. When I met him I showed interest in being his friend, as as you all know went a little further than friends. Even after I made it clear I just wanted to be friends, the fact that I showed interest in him snapped him out of a bad place, and he actually got himself together, was much happier, slept with other women, took better care of himself and eventually left the job that was making him miserable. Before meeting me and having that long period of depression, he slept with ALOT of women. He was in a band and was pretty much had his pick of any girl (so he tells me). So at an early time in his life I really think he sowed his wild oats if you know what I mean.

Thats just a little background on him.

 

I think I may have been the first girl that he really felt connected with as a friend, despite him being really attracted to me. I think his feeling for me go beyond lust and idealization and he really truly loves me for who I am. Maybe that sounds naive of me. Anyway, once again he convinced me that he is much happier and better of being my friend than not being my friend, even if I got married and only talked to him once every few months. I dont know. The majority of people will still be convinced that it is my responsibility to cut off the friendship, but it is really difficult when he doesnt want to. If I made him that depressed and miserable, I think he would have hinted at it some way..Dont you think? You think he totally faked it? I see the reality of the situation.

 

its not a normal relationship, not many relationship's I've had are. And I dont think many of his had been. And for the most part relationships always have their strange dynamics. I think Jettison put it great when he said that all relationships are about getting something from the other. That's what a relationship is about. You get love from your mother, companionship from a friend, intimacy from a lover. If both sides didnt get anything from the relationship, or to go even further, if one of you got hurt and pain from it, there would be no reason to stay. He is getting something from this friendship, even from me all accross the country saying I am never ever going to be with you. He emotionally values having me as a friend, as I do him....I dunno. I guess you can flip it around and say he is just addicted and brainwashed, but it is hard to believe when I actually ask him straight out if this friendship might be better for you if it ended, in the long run. I dunno....

 

I think all of you actually better at organizing your thoughts and making a point. SOrry if this post was hard to read and seemed jumbled..

[grymoire]

My take on this whole thing essentially boils down to this:

 

- We can't communicate to Anon333's friend.. He is not here on ENA

 

- I don't expect him to learn his lessons by himself and move on with his life.. not now.. not after 7 years

 

- That leaves only one choice. Either Anon333 can do some thing and change this unhealthy situation or she too can just leave it. She will make the decision that works for her!

[jettison]

I realized that my reply to you was quite plainly spoken. I figured you could take/appreciate that though considering the way you ripped the OP in such certain terms in your response to her.

 

As for your situation, I agree with you. I don't think it's appropriate that he contact you, especially considering that you've already made it clear that you're no longer interested in the friendship. However, I do not agree that it makes him deranged or pathetic. I think that, just like all kinds of people out there who look for love but have no luck finding it, he's throwing out his net. And of course, you're free to rebuff or ignore and leave it that.

 

Has he ever been dangerous/abusive? Minus that, it's hard to argue that he's such a creep just because he's terrible at relationships and over the top in his pursuit. Clueless? Yes, undoubtedly. Pathetic? No more pathetic then the people you see as you cross the street every day on your way to work.

 

Unless you've feared for you safety - and you haven't made any indication that that's what's happened - it's no big deal. Ignore him. Block him. Move on. But as far as me having "no idea". You're right. I don't know your story. I just find it odd that someone who you admit that you lead on romantically for a long time is being labeled so negatively now that he fills no holes in your life.

[grymoire]

If you are so sure about your friendship with this man and vice versa then why did you start this thread?

[Sunshine311]

My take on this whole thing essentially boils down to this:

 

- We can't communicate to Anon333's friend.. He is not here on ENA

 

- I don't expect him to learn his lessons by himself and move on with his life.. not now.. not after 7 years

 

- That leaves only one choice. Either Anon333 can do some thing and change this unhealthy situation or she too can just leave it. She will make the decision that works for her!

 

Yup, pretty much sums it up