Friend of over 7 years has always been in love with me

[Anon333]

because I wasnt so sure about the friendship....I started it because he recently got jealous and brought up a past situation when I hurt him. But the more I think about it, I think the good outweigh the bad in this relationship for now. But it does give me an uneasy feeling. So I am still cautious and still not positive about my decision, but after talking with him (I didnt tell him I've posted a thread on a site about this) I did throw out alot thoughts that all of you had. And when he answered me honestly about what he wanted and how he felt, it seemed like right now maybe it would be best to just continue the friendship lightly and cautiously. I think we both always enjoy hearing from eachother and how our day is going.

[Anon333]

Im pretty sure that if he saw this whole thread he would strongly defend his case that he wants to remain my friend and it is his choice as a 42 year old man to do so. I am pretty sure of this, because this is pretty much what he said to me.

[Sunshine311]

We could get into it, but it's not my thread and it's not about me or you.

Considering there was just a post submitted about respecting peoples thoughts and opinions on this forum, I was just surprised to have my post completely disected by you.

You don't agree with me, I get it. I don't agree with you're opinions but I'm not going to tear your posts apart.

The op is going to get differing opinions and it's up to her to take those posts and do with as she wishes. It's not about you or I arguing our points to each other until one ultimately comes out the victor and convinces everyone to see things there way and that they are right.

I'm sharing my opinion, thoughts, and personal experience to help the op with her decision, not to have someone tell me I'm wrong. That's not what this forum is about.

[Sunshine311]

Im pretty sure that if he saw this whole thread he would strongly defend his case that he wants to remain my friend and it is his choice as a 42 year old man to do so. I am pretty sure of this, because this is pretty much what he said to me.

 

Well, it sounds like you have your answer then. Case closed. I hope it all works out for you.

[Anon333]

He explained to me that he has watched me date other men and go home with other men at bars. He explained that he knows that if he had any chance of being with me it would have already happened. I'm pretty sure he knows the consequences of being my friend. I'm pretty sure he likes having a friend he gets along with and cares about to talk to. He understands that some day I may meet a man and get married, and that he may have to duck out of my life. But right now this is his decision.

[Anon333]

Sunshine, It is a wobbly answer, and I'm sorry if I made you people feel like I was waisting their time responding to my post. I will still always question if the friendship would be best for him to be ended. But I'm not sure there will be a moment when it happens, on his behalf or mine. I am really rethinking things through and seeing things in a different light since all of these responses though, believe me. I do not want to be selfish or string him along or harm his life in any way. It is just a strange situation and relationship that for now I think would be best for the BOTH of us to continue with. But I am not positive.

[Anon333]

The relationship right now, as I've said before, really consists of a couple phone calls a month, and a few texts a week. And we have gone through times where we havent talked to eachother for a month or two, so maybe I will try to loosen the ties a little more. Not sure if that even matters unless it is a complete cut off. It just doesnt instinctually seem right for me to cut him off like that.

[grymoire]

Im pretty sure that if he saw this whole thread he would strongly defend his case that he wants to remain my friend and it is his choice as a 42 year old man to do so. I am pretty sure of this, because this is pretty much what he said to me.

 

Wow... what a predicament... what can any one do in your situation? You felt uneasy about some thing, you asked for opinions, then you ask your friend, and he tells you that it is his decision.

 

I applaud you for taking so much effort.. it shows that you TRULY care.

 

Honestly at this point there is nothing else you can do. But do you know what I am really worried about? Some time down the lane if you get a boyfriend and if this guy sees you together and throws a fit what would you do? Right now he says the good outweighs the bad but when the bad does happen he will flip out. I can guarantee you on this. And what if your new boyfriend starts drilling you about this guy?

 

It is really your call now Anon333.. if at that point you wouldn't have any regrets about continuing then yes go ahead and make the decision that will work for you... As for me, i know that i can NEVER see my friend with another guy. But the thing is i already told her that and she has accepted it. May be you want to work out some thing like this with this man.

 

By the end of it all there is one thing that truly worries me. He says he cannot fall in love with any other woman... You say that you will never date him.. I guess he has sealed his own fate. NO MAN SHOULD BE THIS WEAK!

[Anon333]

Grymoire, I did mention to him that I was worried that he hasnt seriously dated anyone since I have met him, and he said it is not necessarily because of me. He is that type of person I must admit. But I guess thats all I've known of him.. He said that if he dated someone she'd have to be an aweful lot like me. So maybe he'll meet a sweet girl with dark hair that reminds him of me and a real relationship will come of it? I dont know. He wasnt dating anyone before I met him either.

 

As for him seeing me with another man. He has seen me with plenty of other guys and has met many of my boyfriends. I'm sur eit hurt him, but he stuck through the friendship. But you mean what would my boyfriend think of him. I think that is something I have to deal with when I get there. The boyfriends I have dated never liked him and it did become a problem. But most of them were not good for me anyway. Also, he would lie low and let it be up to me to call him if I was dating someone else. So he tried not to get in the way. And he says he would do that if I started dating someone now.

[Sunshine311]

**hangs her head and shakes it from side to side**

 

Whether it's today, next week, next month, next year...there is no happy ending for this story.

 

But what do you do? The op asked for advice, got it, made her decision.

 

***Walks away***

[jettison]

Go back and read your original post. You clearly referred to my words, clearly disagreed with them, and wrote about that... quite clearly.

 

As for disagreeing, that's what we do here sometimes. If you disagree, then you can put a voice to it. However, I disagree (once more) that I was disrespectful toward you. You may not agree with what I said, but just like yours, mine is only an opinion. Everything I told you was in relation to the OP with the exception of your personal story about yourself. But since you relayed the personal story about yourself for the forum, then that too becomes fair game.

 

I agree that it's not about me or you. But I have to point out that we have two poster saying "you MUST end your friendship with this person". That's quite a far reaching recommendation there. It changes lives. It shouldn't be said flippantly or without due diligence. I provide a counterview for the OP, and one which she has, by her own words, appreciated quite a bit.

 

My recommendation: Tread lightly. (caution)

Your recommendation: Dump him pronto. (too the wind)

[Anon333]

sorry sunshine..Maybe we will always remain friends and we both eventually meet someone...Maybe not...Maybe it will be disasterous...But he has already dealt with me being with other men. How much worse can it get?

[Sunshine311]

Alrighty then!!! **Gloves come off***

 

The way I see it is like this...there comes times in our life where we have to question relationships, and the value that they hold in our life. Maybe it's just the life that I have lead, but for me, friends come and go. When a friend exits my life, it's not like it's some horrible, life changing event that just changes the course of my life and leaves some big black hole. S**t happens, life changes, people do come and go. Some chapters of life are better closed and you move on.

One thing I do know is that I strive to have only healthy, positive relationships in my life. Every friend I have is a positive influence in my life. I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are the best people I could possible surround myself with and they bring only good things into my life. I don't have a friend where I have to be cautious, or tread lightly, because if I do, is that really a friend at all?? True friends are ones where you don't have to be scared, or have your guard up. A true friend is someone you can trust and be vulnerable with, and truly be yourself.

[Raph]

I think Jettison's idea would work if you (anon333) sit him down and scream and rant at him for making you go crazy seriously though, you do need to tell him you feel uncomfortable with his talk and you want him to change for your sake at least if he loves you. Not communicating while at the same time wanting to be friends..... doesn't really work, from my experience. People can't read minds!

 

In my case I would have loved to hear more from the person I loved but she never mentioned it again. Even if she said she didn't love me, I would have liked it if she did truly mean it when she did still consider me a very good friend, because I wanted her to be more frank with me, and her friendship was more important than her being in love with me too. Seriously. (might sound familiar, but like I said, I was in a similar situation to your guy) I just gave up on her eventually because she kept ignoring me for long periods at a time, claiming she was busy, and now I'm just ignoring her, and I've ignored her for more than 2 months (she only realised now), and probably will up until Christmas when I'm settled in to my new life

 

If you want to do it the other way, as Sunshine311's saying, then this should definitely work although you may feel guilty for a while, but what are you benefitting from such a relationship anyway?

 

So there you have it - two possible courses of action

[jettison]

It's a nice definition of friendship Ms. Sunshine. (btw, my teammates call me Sunshine). But it's unnceccesary for you to be taking your gloves off. First off, it might be cold outside. Secondly, we're not fighting. We're just debating.... just a friendly debate. No need to be offended, and no need to feel like you might offend me.

 

I agree completely that one should always strive for the healthiest relationships possible. And, unfortunately, in some people's cases, that's not always possible. It may be no fault of their own, but sometimes people "just get by". I used to have an ex that always told me that she was in "survival mode". She seemed to state this every other day. For some people, they are not in that perfect, well-adjusted, uber-healthy place in which you reside. For these people, they "get by". For some people, even temporary arrangements which provide warmth, and seemingly some kind of nourishment for the soul is enough.

 

It's pretty easy for any of us to tell this OP "end this stupid, selfish relationship which you tell us is so valuable to you". But we're not her. We don't know how much she values it. We don't even know how much he values it. What we do know is that both these people seem to place a quantitative and qualitative value on this relationship since they've voiced as much, and since it's been going on for 7 years.

 

It may offend some people's sensibilities, but we all carry different sensibilities, and it would seem to be unfair to instruct others to live by our personal credo.

 

"everyone's looking for something,

and they assume somebody else knows what it is,

no one can live without the decisions of their own,

it seems so they look to someone else,

to tell them what to be,

tell'em what to wear,

tell'em what to say,

tell'em how to act and think

and compel others compulsively

until the world is all like them"

 

- Graffin

[grymoire]

I think ENA is a place where people come looking for help and advice. They come here because they need help with making a decision or deciding on the right course of action. If they are not confused and know what to do they wouldn't be here in the first place.

 

Anon333 has come here looking for advice. We all have to be focused only on that. Not on whose advice is better and whose advice she needs to follow. We all can keep posting one advice after the other but in the end she is only going to do what she feels will work for her and her friend.

 

I sounded strong in my posts because I have been in this guy's position and I know the pain too well. Getting rejected is in itself horrible... having to be with the person in the name of friendship is one step above. Even worse is willing to hear the woman date other guys. I am appalled at that guy's willingness to put up with all this...

 

I know that he is going to say "yes I want to continue the friendship". Why? Because I have been him. Its too painful to let go of the woman you have been crushing on for years together... Obviously he doesn't know what he is doing. And certainly he doesn't know the consequences and how the whole thing will end. But as has been stated it is his own undoing. Anon333 cannot be made responsible for his decisions... What I do hope is the least she can do here is to put some distance and help this man move on with his life. That's the least she can do... and I hope she does it.

[jettison]

To stay on topic.... I think that the OP should do what's best for her while simultaneously being sympathetic and compasionate to the unrequited.

 

 

grymoire,

 

There is a difference between disagreeing with someone just to argue, because you'd like to bate them, and disagreeing with someone because they've made a point that you don't believe in, because you think they may be potentially giving bad advice, because you feel if you do have a very friendly debate, you may be able to get them to see a second or even third side to an issue.

 

People disagree all the time on ENA. It's a part of the fabric of these forums. It's expected. Our opinions aren't uniform, nor are they static. It's ok to see things differently, and it's ok to tell someone why you disagree with them. Both of have disagreed with my take in this thread, and you've made that clear. I accept that. My feelings aren't hurt. It's not only ok, it's encouraged because it helps the OP to see every side of an issue so she's able to reach an more informed, hopefully more worldly opinion.

 

On a base level, we see life a little bit differently, but I haven't "won" a debate, nor have you. We've just introduced our opinion, and there's nothing wrong with that. You have very definite, very recent experience about this topic so you're passionate about it. Ditto other posters. It speaks to you. None of you like to see anyone in pain. Again, this speaks to you. These are great traits.

 

You can't tell me that we need not focus on "whose advice is better" while simultaneously telling me that I know not of what I speak since I haven't the background that you have, for example. Because you are, in so many words, saying exactly that... that your advice is better. Neither is better. They are just different.

[Anon333]

I dont think I've ever had a 100% healthy relationship with someone. Maybe thats my problem, or maybe that is normal. Even friendships always have something tainting them. I think the closer we are to someone, the more possibility for relationships to get more complex, because people are complex. No one is perfect. Even my relationship's with my parents. People I have grown with and get to know and accept me for being myself are important in my life.

 

Maybe I dont go about relationships like most people do. But showing someone who I am and being comfortable with them and enjoying eachother's company is something I like to hold onto. It is important to me. And I think my friend thinks it important to him. So I guess I'm just saying that even though this relationship seems unhealthy in most people's eyes, I have had WAY worse that made it clear to me they HAD to end. And niether of us seem to feel that way right now. Its not black and white, and there are times both of us probably said, uh oh, this friendship is bad news, and there are times he is jealous and I am uncomfortable, but the majority of the time it is not. Maybe I am defending myself and trying to justify my friendship with someone who is in love with me. I really do try to see all angles of the situation. That is why I started this post.

 

But I really hope I dont come accross as close minded about it, because I really understand where your opinions are coming from. I just dont know if the relationship has reached a point that it really is that damaging, or if has gone past that point, or if it will ever reach that type of point. I just dont know. It really is more up to him, whether it is hurting him, and he insists it isnt. I'd like to take his word since, in my eyes, he has been my friend for 7 years.

[Anon333]

Grymoire, I just have to stress again, that your situation is different in that your friend has begged you to stay in the friendship she clearly knows is hurting you. If you had the same discussion with her that I just had with my friend, would you convincingly lie to her that her friendship makes you so happy and it far outweights anything else? I think you already told her you didnt want the friendship. My friend never said that, in fact he convinced me he wants to continue the friendship.. Isnt that a BIG difference....Grymoire, I also said I have been in your similar situation, and I think you need to walk away from this friendship if you dont want to be in it and it is hurting you. But that is your choice. I just hope you see the big difference in the two situations.....You are not helpless, and niether is he. None of us are...We are responsible for our own choices and how they make us feel. I know how hard it is. I really do, and I think she is horrible to beg for your friendship when you clearly said it was hurting you and you didnt want it. But she is not tying you down and forcing you. She may be making it ten times harder, but you can do it! I really wish you the best with that. And I appreciate your advice and opinion. Our situations do have some similarities. But we are also different people too.

[grymoire]

No worries Anon333... Don't think you are doing something wrong. These type of relationships happen ALL THE TIME. Right here you can my example and Sunshine's example. If you look at ENA you will find lot of threads dealing with the exact same issue. As long as there are men and women in this world these issues are also going to be there.

 

And again I spoke only from my experience. I was rejected by a woman.. and made the big mistake of continuing with her as a friend. I paid a very heavy price for it.. I was depressed for a long time... And at one point wanted to commit suicide.. just end this pain and be done with it once and for all. Does my friend know any of these things? No. Just like you have no idea of what is actually going on with this man.

 

I did not want another person to suffer what I suffered. That is the reason why I was very aggressive. In my opinion this man will become so damaged that he will not be able to pursue a relationship with any woman. I think he is already at that point because that's what he is saying to you.

 

I do not know who that man is... but I am going to include him in my prayers tonite. That is some thing I can do for this poor guy.

[Anon333]

I think he would be pretty pissed if you told him he was damaged and you were praying for him. Its like being sent to the insane asylum when you arent insane, and everyone around you is saying "poor thing, he says one thing, but he really means something different." I think he may have never dated anyone even if he hadnt met me. He is just that type of guy. And thats the thing, you dont know what type of guy he is. He is not you. All I can take is his word that he is telling me the truth. Maybe one day I will suddenly realize that he cant be telling the truth and he is a liar and is just saying he is okay because he doesnt want to lose me. I dont know. He is getting laid, he is working hard, he is happy hearing from me now and again, and yeah, he is madly in love with me. He insists it would never go away even if I never talked to him again. But I think he has just as much chance of meeting a girl and being with her as he would if I was totally out of his life. I really believe that. He is a strange type and does not live life the conventional way, but he definitely makes his own choices, and would be offended if someone told him he was brainwashed and damaged.

[grymoire]

ok.. I can see that you got angry with me. I apologize if I offended you or your friend. That is not my intention.

 

Yes I do admit that I am talking only from my experience. May be he is a different guy. I am not saying this is exactly what is going to happen... I am just wondering..

 

Well... you know him better than any one of us. If you think you can take his word then yes go ahead with it. A friendship that has lasted for 7 years is really difficult to break. But you do have to realize that more and more years are going to get added to what you guys have now..

 

I wish you all the very best and hope you can find peace with yourself and your friend.

[Raph]

Yes I do admit that I am talking only from my experience. May be he is a different guy. I am not saying this is exactly what is going to happen... I am just wondering..

 

Well... you know him better than any one of us. If you think you can take his word then yes go ahead with it. A friendship that has lasted for 7 years is really difficult to break. But you do have to realize that more and more years are going to get added to what you guys have now..

 

That last bit is exactly what I was thinking - the longer you stay friends, the harder it is break apart.

 

The way I see it is that you have two or three choices - you have to be decisive. Not confronting the problem may not work, although it might if he eventually (after a long time) gives up on you. Confronting the problem and telling him to not mention it again (and maybe just concentrating on other activities with him) for your sake or just breaking off communication are two other choices.

[jettison]

That last bit is exactly what I was thinking - the longer you stay friends, the harder it is break apart.

 

The way I see it is that you have two or three choices - you have to be decisive. Not confronting the problem may not work, although it might if he eventually (after a long time) gives up on you. Confronting the problem and telling him to not mention it again (and maybe just concentrating on other activities with him) for your sake or just breaking off communication are two other choices.

 

Are we all suddenly missing the part where the OP says that this has been going on for 7 years. Do you really think that, somehow, it's actually going to get more difficult over time? I think that this relationship is well past its expiration date for getting worse. I can't get worse. It's been soooooooooooo long. So, no, it's not likely to get any harder to break up if they go that route, be it now or two years from now.

 

If they had only known each other 9 months? Sure, it would be simple to make that argument. This is a near decade long emotional investment for both parties, and that's why the OP is finding it very difficult to accept advice that just demands, "Yo, you're taking advantage of that poor sap. Just dump that dadio pronto before he gets hurt."

 

For those who think that this can get worse somehow for the guy, please explain the feelings and emotions from, let's say, year 4 to, let's say, right now. How are they different? What's changed? And similarly, how will this guy's feelings have changed from now, year 7, to 3 years from now, year 10? What qualitative differences will exist in their bond?

[CallingAllAngels]

I agree with the post. Good job jettison.