Friend of over 7 years has always been in love with me

[grymoire]

It is a great story.

 

But here is the thing.... If I was born yesterday and still a small baby I would think "oh wow... he is giving me $20 for free without expecting anything in return". But I am not a baby... I look beyond the words that are told to me... Everybody knows that there is no such thing as a free lunch. I would just say "thanks, but no thanks" and walk away.

 

See Jettison... I am not supporting this woman's friend... I completely agree with you that he is a tool... But we are not here to help him... he is not here... we are here to help this woman...

 

In my opinion that man is in a vulnerable position... he is love-struck... he can't make clear decisions no matter what his age... This woman needs to be the bigger person and do the right thing.. That guy will say 'yes' to whatever the OP says and then after a while he is going to say "I want your iPod"... we all know that... including the OP.... why? because he has been wanting that iPod for 7 years...

[grymoire]

I guess I knew deep down he was doing these things because he felt stronger about me than a friend..

 

This is it......

[Anon333]

Okay....I see both of your points..I know I am not the innocent one and it takes two people to be in any type of friendship...I have been trying to figure out if I should leave the friendship. But my philosophy has always been, like I stated before, that we are both responsible for ourselves. And I personally would like to remain friends unless his feelings for me get in the way of the friendship, which I guess they obviously have to a point...The difficult part is which point is the time to bail....

 

As for him, besides from his jealous fits here and there, I am not being naive when I believe what he says that I make him happy to talk to him.....Is this naive of me? And I also dont feel naive for believing that it really does make happy to do things for me..? But I know these things make him happy because he loves me...Is it because he wants something in return? He insists he doesnt....I know he would love to be with me....But he insists his love is pure in that he really does feel happier making me happy....Am I totally naive?...I've had other guy friends that said they "loved" me, or tried to get me in bed....I could see right through them..But this is something very strange and different to me...I'd like to think I'm a realistic person...Perhaps it is selfish of me to be friends with him..Perhaps I am living in lala land just like him....But I always took his words for what they were.....

[grymoire]

Translation: When someone hands you 20 dollar bills, claiming that there are no strings attached, it's your responsibility not to take the money, even though they lied about their real intentions, and through a fit when you wouldn't take the cash.

 

Correct... you are not under any obligation to accept things from people even if they throw a fit.

 

Will the OP date him if he throws a fit? No.

[grymoire]

Look at what this person is doing... He says he loves you and that you make him happy. If this is the case why does he get jealous when you happily get into a relationship with some other man? As your true friend is he not supposed to feel happy?

 

You WANT to believe that his words are true and hold on to the friendship. But unfortunately it is not.

 

I have given you my story in my first post in this thread. I told my female friend "look.. if you want to be friends with me then don't talk about your dating life and your boyfriends... because it will be painful for me to hear that". And she agreed... we are still friends. Do I care for her? yes. Do I love her? yes. Do I feel happy if she dates some one else? No. But I already told her that and she agreed to continue as friends knowing that.

 

You make your own conclusions now.

[jettison]

So again, it's her responsibility to not take the cash even though she is saying, quite explicitly, "I will never give you my Ipod, ever. In fact, I'll be giving my Ipod to someone else someday... just not you."

 

And it's her responsibility because she knows how much he wants that Ipod? First of all, he can go get his own Ipod. He doesn't have to depend on her for that. In fact, she's encouraged the purchase, I'm sure. And you can call it selfish if you'd like. I prefer merely dysfunctional though. She is getting something out of this. The man is also getting something out of this. He gets to project, avoid reality, never grow up. She's providing a service for him. In return, she gets someone who "acts like a friend", says pretty things to her, and strokes her ego. They both know the game. They are obviously both willing to play it or else they wouldn't be doing it for 7 years.

 

At the end of the day though, it is him that wants something at all costs. He remains the hunter. She remains the hunted. What I never appreciate very much on ENA is how we love to attribute blame to someone just because they were willing to accept company and kind words. This is the kind of thinking that makes otherwise sane women skittzy, paranoid, fearful, walking on egg shells. No thanks. It's men like this that kind of ruin things for other men. I can only feel so sorry for him.

 

When you want something, you ask for it. If you're told "no" then you can try to state your case, jump through some hoops, get it anyway. If you still can't have it? Then it's all on you at that point. But either way, lying or stretching the truth to get what you want is dishonest, period. They guy lies. The woman tells the truth. In the most simplistic terms, it's not hard to see where the fault line lies here.

 

I know that men's egos are huge. Ginormous. I know they get hurt when they can't own something they want to own sometimes. But when what they want to own is another human being that it's really, really hard for me to see how the woman can ever take much blame for this if she's been honest and forthright about her feelings and intentions.

 

And BTW, the OPs intentions were never to say "this guy is a tool". Her intentions were to say "I care about this guy a lot, don't want to bang him, but don't want to lose him." That's the nutshell. I can't see anything wrong with that.

[jettison]

Correct... you are not under any obligation to accept things from people even if they throw a fit.

 

Will the OP date him if he throws a fit? No.

 

Nor are you under any obligation to turn it down. That was my point.

[Anon333]

and you think she could easily dump you as a friend like you assume I could?

[grymoire]

I agree Jettison.

 

But can you explain this part a little bit more? I am confused because when did women hunt men? Its always the guy that has to go after the girl is it not? and are you telling that the female is not be blamed?

[jettison]

Not that you've asked for my advice, but in the future, if you ever want the woman, you can never say that it hurts you when she dates someone else or talks about it. It is the ultimate kiss of death. It may sting a little bit, but suck it up. Just never say it. It puts waaaay too much pressure on the woman, romantically. Very few women can respond positively to something like that.

 

If anything, your instincts are wrong. You should do the opposite. You should say, "Tell me about him. What's he like? I can tell you want him sooooo bad." You tease her. You're playful with it. If a woman can tell that you won't be jealous, that you're not intimidated by the other man, that you're so confident that you don't even care that she's with this other guy because he can't outdo you, then you're onto something. That's something that a woman can respond to positively.

 

It is also freeing. You are giving her her freedom. She can do whatever she wants to do, and you not only don't raise a fuss, you encourage the behavior.

 

Instincts that are shown when fear is present are admirable. It's honest. Honestly is great. But sometimes, a little too much disclosure is the stuff of fools. The best kind of honesty to show is the stuff that comes from bravery. It's the kind that lends freedom. It's the kind that not only accepts but also encourages.

[Anon333]

grymoire,

Our situations are different in that your friend begged you to stay friends with her when you expressed it was too difficult for you because you had feelings for her....You could easily have said, "no, I just cant be your friend for my own sake..Maybe some day down the line"...But in my situation, I am saying "is this friendship to difficult for you, because if it is, I understand and will let you be."....And he responds in saying he does not want to lose my friendship..Thats a big difference between our situations.....Have you said to her that she is selfish like you said to me...have you said that it would be a drop in the hat for her to lose you as a friend as you seem to think it would be for me?

[jettison]

I agree Jettison.

 

But can you explain this part a little bit more? I am confused because when did women hunt men? Its always the guy that has to go after the girl is it not? and are you telling that the female is not be blamed?

 

I'm not understanding the question. When did women hurt men? Do you mean, when should we place blame on the women in situations of unrequitted "love"? If so then...

 

- When the woman was dishonest.

- When the woman clearly didn't like the guy romantically, but insinuated that she did.

- When the woman doesn't have the courage to day, "I'm just not that into you. Hope we can still be friends."

- When the woman dated other men and hid this from the crusher.

- When the woman speaks negatively about the guy to all her friends, but acts like a sweetheart to the guy face to face.

 

Those are all times where you'd be well within your rights to villify the woman who just isn't interested romantically in the man that desires her.

[grymoire]

and you think she could easily dump you as a friend like you assume I could?

 

No. She is not able to.... Its been 3 years and she has held on to me when ever I said I am leaving. BUT I would rather prefer her to dump me instead of complaining about the nature of the friendship.

 

Just look at it this way.. I asked her out and she said she wants only friendship. I said fine and accepted her decision. Would it be fair if I keep complaining that she is not dating me or that she is dating other guys? No. It is not fair for her. If I am not comfortable with friendship only then I leave. If I decide to stay I don't complain.

 

In the same way if she wants to be my friend she can stay. If she is not comfortable she can leave... Guaranteed that my heart will break to pieces if the friendship ends but I would prefer that it end instead of her staying in the friendship and cribbing about it.

[grymoire]

grymoire,

Our situations are different in that your friend begged you to stay friends with her when you expressed it was too difficult for you because you had feelings for her....You could easily have said, "no, I just cant be your friend for my own sake..Maybe some day down the line"...But in my situation, I am saying "is this friendship to difficult for you, because if it is, I understand and will let you be."....And he responds in saying he does not want to lose my friendship..Thats a big difference between our situations.....Have you said to her that she is selfish like you said to me...have you said that it would be a drop in the hat for her to lose you as a friend as you seem to think it would be for me?

 

If you told that to him then you are a wonderful woman. Because you are willing to make the sacrifice of losing him for his own emotional health.

 

You say those sentences to him... he agrees... and then he cries foul when you get a new boyfriend. This is not fair for you.... But If I were you I would know that it was coming... We are talking about a 7 year itch here... Its not gonna die that easily..

 

I say go NC on him... that's the best thing to do... you won't lose him as a friend... and in the same time you are going to give him space and time to get over his feelings for you. I don't know of any other better solution.

[Anon333]

I have said this to him many times. But he insists we should stay friends. There may be some physical yearning on his behalf, but alot of it is him counting on my friendship as he does for me.

 

He does not have that many friends...The friends he does have are not very respectful of him and pretty much make it clear he is a loser and an idiot for remaining my friend....Which is okay for me that they say that to him..It doesnt phase him...But his friends can be mean to him and use him for fixing their music equipment and doing things for him..He is a workaholic, and he just came down with diabetes a few years ago.

 

He is finally doing something he has wanted to do his whole life (starting his own business), but in my opinion he is running himself into a hole..I worry about his physical and mental well being all the time. We live accross the country, he would be getting nothing from me but an ear to listen to him....But I think when he feels run down, he feels the need to tell me how much he loves me....I dont want to hear it, but I do want to be there as a friend....This runs deeper than him just wanting to get me in bed.....He says I helped him change his life around 7 years ago when I met him....There are positive things I seem to do for him without even trying, and there is a give and take cycle between us....Just sometimes it is overwhelming for the both of us....I know I should probably cut ties...Even if its for a few months...I feel like we kind of have already, but it hasnt changed the way he feels...

[grymoire]

Ok... he really wants to be friends with you.

 

What exactly is the problem in continuing the friendship with him now? Anyway you are going to say 'no' if he wants to date you. And he knows it.. What else is the problem here? Is he forcing you or threatening you?

[chocolates]

I have been in this same situation before, except i was the one who was "in love' I can say with all honesty that to a degree, he led me on. So whether you know it or not, you might be leading him on. Ofcourse he isa lways going to have hope.

 

Also, I havent read all the posts , but are you SURE you dont feel anything for him?

 

I mean what if he was to turn around and get a girlfriend and you never saw him?

 

Woudlnt you have second thoughts about your feelings?

[Anon333]

Chocolates,

I do have feelings for him, and I do think to an extent I would be hurt and jealous if he turned around and dated someone else and never talked to me again, just because for 7 years he has said how much he loves me, and because I would miss him as a friend...My ego that he does stroke at times would probably be hurt. BUT, that is me just being honest about how I would feel. I would not tell him, and I know I would be happy for him and wish him the best. But I would miss his friendship. I have thought about giving a relationship a try once in a while because of how strongly he feels about me...But I know I just never could go through with it. Im not attracted to him in that way. He is a good looking guy, but after all this time of being his friend, there is absolutely nothing there for me. I just couldnt be with him.

 

Grymoire,

he does want to be my friend, but it scares me how much he says he loves me and how I am the only girl ever for him. It is his decision, and maybe one day he will meet another girl and fall head over heels, although he insists it will never happen...I am all the way in another state. I have not seen him since last year. We talk on the phone and text eachother once in awhile. I am not stopping him from meeting girls. He has plenty of sex, and has all the opportunity to meet other girls. He lives in a major city...It's just that recently when he wanted to come visit me, he got all defensive and brought up the past when I had gone to a bar with him and flirted with other guys. So I dont know..Its a hard call...I go from one extreme to the other, saying we shouldnt be friends, to why cant we be friends..Its confusing...I really appreciate you helping me out in this and giving me your feedback from your own experience as well..

[agent1607307371]

You are in the way of him meeting other women. You are physically distant, but you give him enough to ensure that you are #1. Getting laid isn't indicative of anything other than he likes to have sex. But his fixation on you is definitely stopping him getting involved.

 

You say his other friends don't respect him and use him, but you are basically doing the same thing.

 

Using the "he is a grown up and can make his own decisions" is a cop out, because so are you, and you can decide whether to string it out or not.

 

If you truly thought that being in a "friendship" with him was ok, you wouldn't have posted here. I honestly wonder if you posted up so you could practise justifying it.

[grymoire]

what do you mean by 'i have feelings for him'? you have feelings for him but you don't want to date him

 

one thing i can tell for sure.... some day this dude is going to give up on you and find a girlfriend.... i can guarantee that it is going to hit very hard on you... you will feel jealous... get angry because you are no longer getting the attention and yet you don't know what to do because you never wanted to date him...

 

i really worry about your friend.... he keeps saying he loves you... he thinks he will never fall in love with any other girl... this is truly very bad.. you are never going to date him.. and he is never gonna get over you as long as you guys remain friends... you confuse him and yourself by saying we shouldn't be friends one time and then why can't we be friends other time... this is very unfair for him... especially the sentence "why can't we be friends"... when did you say that? did you say that when he tried to leave the friendship? plz be honest here.... because this is EXACTLY what my friend said when i tried to leave the friendship...

 

let me ask you a question... tomorrow if this guy calls you up and tells "i am very sorry.. i am unable to get over my feelings for you and this friendship is becoming very difficult for me... i can no longer be friends with you... it ends here". what will you do?

 

also... would you rather remain single for the next 10 yrs instead of dating this guy?

[jettison]

You are in the way of him meeting other women. You are physically distant, but you give him enough to ensure that you are #1. Getting laid isn't indicative of anything other than he likes to have sex. But his fixation on you is definitely stopping him getting involved.

 

You say his other friends don't respect him and use him, but you are basically doing the same thing.

 

Using the "he is a grown up and can make his own decisions" is a cop out, because so are you, and you can decide whether to string it out or not.

 

If you truly thought that being in a "friendship" with him was ok, you wouldn't have posted here. I honestly wonder if you posted up so you could practise justifying it.

 

Chalk up another person who sees life in the exact opposite way that I do. Never blame the person with the problem who is making himself miserable. Instead, blame the other. If she were his sister, his mom, his spouse.... we could say that she is an enabler. She's none of those though. She's a "friend" who lives far away and sees this guy infrequently. It's always so easy to blame everyone else for our problems that are completely within our control.

 

The true "copout" is the "Whoa is me. I can't help myself. I'm in love with her. thereforeee, I don't have to act like an adult."

 

If this guy's other friends don't respect him then that's not necessarily a comment on them, nor a comment on the OP. It's actually a pretty huge red flag that screams "get it together buddy." When the guy is quacking like a duck, I'm more then fine with calling him a duck.

 

Personally, if I were crushing on some woman, and couldn't stop myself from always hitting on her even though she made it clear that she wasn't interested in me that way, I'd likely just not see her anymore. At some point, you choose to either respect yourself and also the other person's wishes, or else you choose to disrespect yourself, and then ignore your "friend's" feelings.

 

The OP most genuinely cares for him. She's made that clear. She's also made it clear to him that she's not interested in a romantic relationship with him, and she's made it clear over the course of 7 years. To lend her any kind of responsibility in this at all is just over-the-top. I can't possibly blame the OP for appreciating the good things that this guy gives to her. If she's "using him" as its been put, then so are we all with every friendship we have. I'm using my GF for love. I'm using my friend because he makes me smile. I'm using my Mom because she loves me. I'm using my dog because he gives me a sense of belonging. We're all users in this world.

[jettison]

also... would you rather remain single for the next 10 yrs instead of dating this guy?

 

You say that as if it's her choice. I think that 7 years of fawning has made him patently unattractive in the romantic sense for the OP. If he just chilled a little bit, and gave her actual space to think and operate instead of having love AT her, he might actually be able to have love WITH her. There's a big difference.

 

And you cannot just say "Ok, I'll be attracted to him" and make it so. You are or you aren't. Would she rather be alone? God, I really hope she says "yes". Is there something wrong with being alone?

 

Even in a relationship, we are all alone, but the worse thing you can do is be disingenuine about your feelings for someone when it's someone you claim to love. That's not love. It's entrapment in order to combat loneliness, and it's just sad.

[Anon333]

TO answer the questions you ask, no I have never said but why cant we be friends. If I knew it was too difficult for him and he decided that he couldnt talk to me anymore, than I would be sad but understanding. When I said I had feelings for him I meant I care about him as a good friend. We have both been there for eachother throughout our friendship. I just do not see him in a sexual way. Also, I have been single alot and never thought of dating him. I have had horrible relationships that make me lose hope in ever finding the right person. I would rather be single than date him. Dating him is just not an option. I'm not attracted to him. And Jettison is right, it is because of his personality and the way he has fawned over me so much. Not JUST that, but it really made him even less attractive to me. There is just nothing about him except the fact that he is so caring and kind that would make me want to be with him.

 

Jettison, I have to thank you again for putting your two cents in, because even though there is no right and wrong on this thread, and everyone has an opinion, you really do seem to capture very eloquantly the way I feel, and even bring up other views that I didnt even think of. I think we both have similar views that an individual is responsible for their own life, their own choices. This is a mutual relationship that we both are aware of our own feelings, and eachother's feelings. If he did decide he couldnt be my friend, I would be understanding of it. But it seems the contrary, even when I suggest it might be too difficult for him, he denies it. I dont think either of us are right or wrong in the situation.....I like what you said about your relationships with friends and girlfriend and dog etc....There is something we both get out of this friendship....But I guess the majority of people here seem to think that he has no control over leaving the friendship because he is "in love" and cant make decisions for himself. I have stayed in unhealthy relationships and eventually got out of them, or they became healthier, and I blame no one but myself for staying in them..Thats how I know the next unhealthy relationship I am in, I will be more prone to get out much faster! This relationship has many more dynamics than a boyfriend gone wrong. There is no verbal abuse, or cheating, or arguing constantly. For the most part we are there for eachother as friends.

[grymoire]

ok gotcha... you just don't have romantic feelings for him. if that is the case then yes, all his caring and niceness is not gonna make you want to date him. you mention that his fawning over you also played a role. i have to disagree. if the attraction is not there nothing is gonna change it. are you telling me that once you said you didn't want to date him and if he had left it at that and stopped pursuing you you would have dated him? these type of games need to stop with high school honestly...

 

so you never told him "why can't we be friends"... its some thing you are asking yourself.. that's good to know. because trust me it makes a HUGE difference.... don't ever tell that to him...

 

you say both get something out of the relationship... what do you actually get from a friendship where you clearly know that the guy wants more than friendship?

 

i agree that you and jettison think alike... but trust me... having been in the guy's situation i know exactly what is going on... this is not like other bad relationships where people can take responsibility and leave... this is very very different... his inability to say 'no' does not change the fact that this is a very very lopsided relationship.... he doesn't have the balls to say 'i don't want to be your friend' and he is paying dearly for that.... this situation is going to become very very ugly with time and will end hurting both of you... that man will be torn apart....

[Raph]

Jettisons's got some good clear logic that does make sense to me Unfortunately love is not really rational I can understand the guy's position (who is in love with Anon333 for 7 years now) but I think by now he should realise that Anon333's not "right" for him cos the relationship would probably be unhappy and unsatisfactory. Might not be like that, but is a strong possibility if his dream comes to an abrupt ending if she doesn't put her heart into it fully but he does. Makes a lot of sense to me now on my own problem...