Is it really an issue?

[Deeplydepressed]

I have been dating my current boyfriend for a little under a year now. We get along fine. He is honest and trustworthy. And most days we can laugh together. He states that he would love to marry me (which is fine), but he doesn't have the funds(understandable).

 

My only issues (if it's even a valid issue) is that he doesn't have a job and his job search. When I meet him online it stated that he did have a job, but really it was just a freelance project. When the project was over so was his job. And he hasn't been working since I have met him. He basically lives off funding from his mother (who is not rich), while he looks for work in the design field. He does work three days a week at an unpaid internship. This means I have had to pay for 98 percent of our dates. I wouldn't mind supporting him, but I have quite a bit of medical debt myself and I am attempting to pay for my college education and work too so I cannot support him too.

 

My question is "How do I bring this up?" I have mentioned to him that he should perhaps get a job just to provide while he searches for work in his chosen field. I try to be patient and understanding, but its very hard when I am working overtime and he is at home getting ready to go on another long bike ride. My family wonders why I never have money for myself because they think he is working is they we should be fine. This is the beginning of our relationship and its already stressing me. What should I do?

[Whiskers]

It's a very valid issue.

I think the next time he suggests a date or to go out, say you'd love to but you don't have the money right now so maybe you should stay in a watch a movie or something. He should know you're struggling through college right now, which is far more important. If he wants to go out that bad, then he can pay. (If this happens enough then he'll at least have to think about it)

What does the internship earn him in the end? Is it experience?

That's all very well but there are more days in the weeks and evenings that he could use to start earning some money, it's really not okay to live off your girlfriend if it's not going towards a future together.

For instance, if my fiance was out of a job, I'd do my best to deal with the money issues, he however would be looking for a job.

You won't be lying by telling him you simply can't afford to go out and seeing as he isn't paying most of the time, it's assumable that if you did go out...you'd be paying.

He sounds like a nice guy but money matters and relationships can put serious strain on them. Don't continue to pay for everything...his mother is clearly already doing that and the guy's getting a free ride when there is no excuse for him not to go out and get a job to pull his weight.

XXXX

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think the issue goes deeper than just the money...it sounds like he is not too keen on working and would rather play. I have known plenty of people who lose their job and spend a year or so not looking very hard for a job...they spend more time playing, sleeping in, travelling etc...all on someone else's dime (eg. unemployment insurance). Then one day they wake up and realize the funds are low and there is nobody to cover for them and guess what....it doesn't take them long to find a job once they set their mind to it. So I think the real issue is that your boyfriend does not have the drive and ambition to put himself out there and get a job...he is much happier playing and sponging off of his mother and you. Time to put your foot down about you covering all the dates.

[Batya33]

Agree with COD that the issue is his values and his values are not compatible with yours. Been there done that, albeit briefly.

[annie24]

i agree. also, i'm less concerned about you having to pay for all the dates, what if he were a student and you had a good paying job, i wouldn't be that concerned that you were paying for most of the dates. more importantly, i think it's pretty disturbing that he's an able bodied man, perfectly content with mooching off his mother and his gf. i know other artists who make their ends meet in other ways - like getting other full time jobs, doing their art in their spare time, or they work hard enough to really make it as an artist/dancer/etc.....

 

there is no reason at all for him not to be working 40 hours a week, supporting his own butt. do you want to be this guy's sugar momma and support him? it sounds like he has no drives or ambitions of his own. i think that's a bigger issue than who is paying for the movie tickets and dinners.

[gracerules2008]

If I were in this guy's shoes I would probably be embarrassed to let my girlfriend pay for 98% of the dates. As a matter of fact I would strive to make sure she doesn't pay for ANY of the dates.

 

Yeah he needs to get a job even if it means working a double shift at wal-mart until something better comes up. Whatever it takes.

 

Heck I have a job and I'm working hard to improve my credit score yet I still took the initiative to break it off with my girlfriend because of my bad credit. I'm actually trying to improve my finances.

 

There's no way I would let it get to the point where you are now having to post a thread asking if it was an issue.

[Batya33]

I don't think it's honorable to break up with an SO solely because of financial issues unless the SO is insisting on some financial situation that you cannot achieve (which is its own issue on the other person's part) but I do think it's perfectly reasonable to want someone with compatible values of work ethic and ambition.

[arwen]

I think it's a serious issue. It's not just about the money, although having a mortgage and raising kids in the future would certainly be difficult on a single income. What is more important is that he is fine with having no job while you pay, and that he has no reason NOT to be working. I'd only be financially dependent if there is no other way, and you would probably feel the same. It's difficult to create a living and life together if there are huge discrepancies here. I hope for you that he will make the choice to find a job.

[Deeplydepressed]

As I am writing this I am a little bit scared of what replies I will receive, but here it goes.

I took some of the suggestions in here and talked it over with my boyfriend. He hasn't gotten fully better, but I now tell him that he has to pay for his meal and I will pay for mine and I say no when we go to the grocery store and he wants to buy overpriced juice all the time. I've tried to be patient with him, but inside I feel frustrated. I spoke with him tonight about his job search and anytime I mentioned that he should look for something outside of his field until things get a little better he gets "overly" stressed and seems aggravated with me. I understand that he wants to be a designer, but what is wrong with working in the meantime. I know lots of students or artists who do that. I'm just real frustrated and need to hear from someone. Please? Thanks.

[annie24]

well, just know that if you married this man, you'd be the one supporting him while he is chasing after his dream of being an artist. would you be ok with that? it's one thing if you are massively independently wealthy, then sure, you don't mind if your husband decides to pursue his dream of becoming an artist...... but is that really what your life is? is this the kind of man you want to have as a husband and father? one who doesn't feel badly about living off his old mom, instead of finding a job at a bookstore or wherever in the meanwhile? i would really not consider this man to be 'husband material.' imho.