my partners, partners, um… sex buddy/FWB

[novaseeker]

I am so flippin confused....How can you cheat if you're in an open relationship?

 

She's talking about the one person in the chain who is cheating on his GF who is not poly -- ie, he is cheating on his monogamous girlfriend. That is, he is *not* in an open relationship, and is cheating on his GF with someone who is a part of the OP's chain of poly relationships.

[catwalk]

hi rosephase!

wow do we ever need to chat! 3 years? I'm in a 'poly relationship' too and loving it!

 

however, everyone involved does not sleep with anyone else, mostly for safety issues. being in a relationship like this is great, but you shouldn't have to worry about catching something from someone that doesn't respect the circle

[catwalk]

If you have never heard of it this is a good place to start if you want to understand it better.

link removed

Most people can hardly wrap their brains around the concept of a poly relationship, let alone understand or support it. It sucks. People can't get past it when you are looking for help! You end up explaining yourself over and over and defending arguments about it.

[NorthDallas40]

this whole life is to me.

 

I know. I'd never be caught dead at Burning Man.

[catwalk]

I know. I'd never be caught dead at Burning Man.

Aaaaaaaaaah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I totally just got a few stares at work for laughing out loud!

[Lisa Brookes Kift]

Wow, in the words of Chelsea Handler, that's a "hot mess." I say that half joking as I think those types of arrangements invite pain for someone even though people say they're ok with it - someone usually isn't. I don't know - I'm not saying I'm not open to the possibility of there being people out there who are truly "ok" but I've never seen it and I'm a relationship therapist. In fact, I've seen the opposite of "ok" more times than I can count.

[teknoise]

Your right. It's always a little scary to bring something up when things are going well. She is a pretty amazing person, and I know if I'm just clear about things she will be able to hear me. I just don't want her to feel like I pushing my morals on her.

 

I think just letting her know you are uncomfortable is about all you can do. Honesty, in poly relationships, seem to have a higher value it seems. Mono relationships claim to, but very often contain less honesty. You might want to make her aware that this dishonesty doesn't sit well with you.

 

I think another important question is how does your bf feel about this since he is closer up the chain than you are.

[catwalk]

Wow, in the words of Chelsea Handler, that's a "hot mess." I say that half joking as I think those types of arrangements invite pain for someone even though people say they're ok with it - someone usually isn't. I don't know - I'm not saying I'm not open to the possibility of there being people out there who are truly "ok" but I've never seen it and I'm a relationship therapist. In fact, I've seen the opposite of "ok" more times than I can count.

This shows you don't understand it, just automatically dismiss it since it's not how YOU feel. I have four people (Me, my bf, & his two mistresses) and the OP who feel otherwise.

 

Like I said, more time defending it than getting help

[rosephase]

I know. I'd never be caught dead at Burning Man.

 

damn you and your accuracy

[jsx730]

Ah blurred boundaries. The joy of being in an open/poly relationship.

 

I think this one is really up to your morals.

 

You're either ok with it and ignore it, or you're not ok with it and you tell your friend it bothers you.

 

If I were in your position, I'd let it slide since it's only 1-2 times a year. I don't agree with it at all, but that's alot of potential drama for little reward.

[Hope75]

It might sound funny but she is my best friend. I wouldn't have thought it would have worked out that way when this all started happening but it has. We have even tried dating, but it didn't work out that well. But she is very close.

 

Certain types of sharing partners are all up front and with clear intentions other ways of sharing partners is cheating or lying or hurting someone. ANd I don't want that.

 

So just to clarify, she is your boyfriend's 'other girlfriend', and she is cheating on her boyfriend?

 

I'm assuming your boyfriend knows about this- isn't it his place to decide if he wants to continue to date her or not? I understand you are her friend, but I don't know how much you are involved in her relationship with her (your) boyfriend.

[rosephase]

Wow, in the words of Chelsea Handler, that's a "hot mess." I say that half joking as I think those types of arrangements invite pain for someone even though people say they're ok with it - someone usually isn't. I don't know - I'm not saying I'm not open to the possibility of there being people out there who are truly "ok" but I've never seen it and I'm a relationship therapist. In fact, I've seen the opposite of "ok" more times than I can count.

 

This is one of the reasons I try this board. We have a very hard time finding people/books/forums that can be helpful. It's still a new idea even though it has been going on for a long time. And for every 1000 books written on mono relationships, hell, every 1,000,000 books there might be one for us.

[rosephase]

So just to clarify, she is your boyfriend's 'other girlfriend', and she is cheating on her boyfriend?

 

Oh yes. Completely yes. He is a dear friend to.

 

 

I'm assuming your boyfriend knows about this- isn't it his place to decide if he wants to continue to date her or not? I understand you are her friend, but I don't know how much you are involved in her relationship with her (your) boyfriend.

 

I mean I have as much say as I want I guess. But hopefully it's more of a matter between friends then who's boyfriend is dating who.

[Hope75]

So is your issue more with her for cheating on her boyfriend, than for the risk it presents to you by him sleeping with her when you don't know the sexual history of her boyfriend?

 

What does your boyfriend say about all this?

 

And, have you talked to her about being open with her boyfriend, and if so, what does she say?

[rosephase]

So is your issue more with her for cheating on her boyfriend, than for the risk it presents to you by him sleeping with her when you don't know the sexual history of her boyfriend?

 

she isn't cheating on her boyfriend. He knows about everything. It's this guy she sees about twice a year. Who the last couple of time she saw him HE was cheating on some girlfriend who I don't know and who has no idea what is going on. That is what I feel bad about.

[Lucy__lou]

Hey Rosephase,

 

I just bought a book called pagan polyamory, you're right about there not being many books about polyamory out there. I'm not even into the pagan stuff, I just bought it for the poly advice.

 

Anyway, I'm not sure what you should do. Sounds like you're overthinking it, but I guess that's also a good thing for someone who is in a poly relationship where there is a commitment to integrity. And since people outside the mindset of rigorous standards of integrity (honesty), the poly world might seem like a no rules world where 'cheating is allowed.' Perhaps this guy who is cheating on his girlfriend is not of the mindset of your circle, and is one of many people who are lured into poly circles for the wrong reasons (the desire to cheat).

 

I've never really been around poly people before so I don't know how it works, or how you guys work if you have an agreement with each other? or if you develop standards on the fly? or what? are the rules fluid?

 

Anyway, if it's really bothering you, and you want to nip it in the bud, I would talk to her, and ideally get into a discussion about her views on being party to other people's dishonest behaviour. If you can't get into her values subtly, then simply say, "tell me if you think this is none of my business, but ...." and then ask her about what the deal is with this guy who is cheating on his girlfriend. and maybe also say something like "maybe it's none of my business, but I'm a bit uneasy with you being with this guy that's cheating on his girlfriend..." i.e. the disclaimer that lets you say anything

[rosephase]

Thank you, I do think I will give it a try. I know I'm over thinking it. It's just be so good and easy recently. But hey, if I want it to stay good I have to be honest and clear. I will take a look at the book, it's always nice to find another good resource.

[novaseeker]

The best book I have read about poly (recommended to me by my poly friend) is "The Ethical S L U T" by Dossie Easton.

[Lucy__lou]

Yes, I've read that too. It's good. Great title as well. I also want to read that book 'the myth of monogamy' some time too. I've heard it's good. All about finches and how they seem monogamous but aren't.

[Hope75]

she isn't cheating on her boyfriend. He knows about everything. It's this guy she sees about twice a year. Who the last couple of time she saw him HE was cheating on some girlfriend who I don't know and who has no idea what is going on. That is what I feel bad about.

 

Oh, so she's messing with someone who is cheating on his gf. I see (sorry I am sure you can see this is very complicated, I may need a flow sheet!)

 

So, has she talked to the guy about it? and honestly, if she's OK with it, it doesn't really have anything to do with you persay.

 

Is it annoying? Hell yeah, but you don't know the guy or the girl, I guess I am still trying to see where you become involved.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think that some of the problem here is what you define as a 'relationship' in poly or otherwise.

 

If he only sees his 'girlfriend' once or twice a year, i'd hardly call that a relationship (poly or otherwise). That is more like a casual hookup. So i don't think he can cheat on someone who isn't really involved enough to be a 'girlfriend' (even a poly girlfriend).

 

It sounds like you are trying to assign 'relationship' status to anyone who sleeps with anybody else even extremely rarely, and the guy is not thinking this is his girlfriend, just one of many people he sleeps with sometimes.

 

Personally, if i slept with someone only once or twice a year, i would be SURPRISED if he wasn't sleeping with more people, and wouldn't consider it 'unethical' or cheating.

 

So just like there is casual sex in the non-poly world, there can also be casual sex in the poly world. I think the problem is assigning 'girlfriend' status to someone he only sees one or twice a year. That doesn't sound like a girlfriend to me, just a hookup, to which i would think he doesn't owe anything other than practicing safe sex so as not to pass STDs.

[novaseeker]

No she's talking about this (let me try with letters):

 

The OP is A.

 

A has a boyfriend, B.

 

B has another lover, C. C is also A's best friend now. C and A are in a circle, a polyamorous circle, around B, and there are often ideas about trust and communication in that circle.

 

C a few times a year has sex with D. D is not a part of the poly circle -- D has a girlfriend outside of the poly circle, E. E thinks she has a monogamous relationship with D, when in fact D is cheating on E when he sleeps with C.

 

A is troubled by this because one of the people in her poly circle, C, is involved in helping D cheat on E, when in poly relationships it is the norm for all of the relating to be disclosed to all partners.

 

Again, the cheating is referring to the one relationship I described above that is not a part of the poly circle (namely the one between D and E).

[chocolates]

You are in an open relationship, which really by definition, IS cheating, as it goes beyond 2 people.

 

So I dont think you can really complain. You cant expect a fwb to be faithful.

 

You are in a situation where there are too many people to keep track of.

[chocolates]

Im feeling dizzy I lost you at "C"

[novaseeker]

You are in an open relationship, which really by definition, IS cheating, as it goes beyond 2 people.

 

So I dont think you can really complain. You cant expect a fwb to be faithful.

 

You are in a situation where there are too many people to keep track of.

 

No it is a consensual and open relationship, which is thereforeee not cheating.

 

Also, the OP is not concerned that anyone in the poly circle is cheating, she's concerned about the fact that someone outside the poly circle is being cheated on by her BF sleeping with someone inside the poly circle.

 

It's really not that complicated.