rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 So I have been in a wonderful poly relationship for almost 3 years now. Lately it has been going better then ever. I have been trying to figure out some things out. Basically, I never want to cheat, so I don’t get involved with people who are cheating. If everything isn’t on the table (no matter how good it looks or how strong the connection) I don’t want to be a part of it. But that isn’t the same for everyone. Recently I realized one the problems I was having with my partners, partners, um… sex buddy/FWB was that he was cheating. It sounds so much more complicated then it is. My boyfriend’s girlfriend (and my very good friend) is seeing someone a few times a year, at burning man mostly but the last few times she saw him he was cheating on his girlfriend to be with her. I have felt really resistant to him, and to my friend seeing him. Everything is on the table on her side. Her boyfriend knows about it, her other partners know about it, but it still makes me uneasy… No one is perfect, but I know we are all trying really hard to lead a different lifestyle, and I don’t know if I should just let it go and be happy, or sit down and talk to her about it and maybe make an issue when there really hasn’t been one before. Thoughts? Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 it is impossible for a sex buddy to cheat Link to comment
Mlost Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 it is impossible for a sex buddy to cheat It seems so, if that sex buddy's partner has a partner that thinks it is an exclusive relationship. Link to comment
AwdreeHpburn Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hey Rose - I guess I suggest you just talk to her about it. Let her know your hesitations and then just be open to hearing her side. You might be right on but you could also possibly be missing something that she could easily clear up. Prolly not, but its always worth the benefit of the doubt. Plus, she may have NO idea that this is all going on in your thoughts. Just open the communication lines.... Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 It seems so, if that sex buddy's partner has a partner that thinks it is an exclusive relationship. i would never trust a sex buddy to be faithful Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 Hey Rose - I guess I suggest you just talk to her about it. Let her know your hesitations and then just be open to hearing her side. You might be right on but you could also possibly be missing something that she could easily clear up. Prolly not, but its always worth the benefit of the doubt. Plus, she may have NO idea that this is all going on in your thoughts. Just open the communication lines.... Your right. It's always a little scary to bring something up when things are going well. She is a pretty amazing person, and I know if I'm just clear about things she will be able to hear me. I just don't want her to feel like I pushing my morals on her. Link to comment
NorthDallas40 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 i would never trust a sex buddy to be faithful I wouldn't either, but that's not the situation. It's the sex buddy's sex buddy's sex buddy who has a girlfriend who thinks he's being faithful. Wow, I don't see how this could possibly be confusing. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 i would never trust a sex buddy to be faithful She isn't asking him to be faithful. But his girlfriend is. That is the problem. He says they are breaking up but that is just a silly way to justify cheating. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 She isn't asking him to be faithful. But his girlfriend is. That is the problem. He says they are breaking up but that is just a silly way to justify cheating. people always justify cheating...they should break up and he wouldn't be cheating Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 Well she is dating my boyfriend. So I guess that is the problem, I don't know if it's my business. I don't know where the lines are. Which is kind of the norm for poly relationships. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I wouldn't either, but that's not the situation. It's the sex buddy's sex buddy's sex buddy who has a girlfriend who thinks he's being faithful. Wow, I don't see how this could possibly be confusing. relationships confuse me when there are more than 2 people involved Link to comment
novaseeker Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Well she is dating my boyfriend. So I guess that is the problem, I don't know if it's my business. I don't know where the lines are. Which is kind of the norm for poly relationships. I have a fairly close friend who is poly, and she tells me that the key is wide open communication throughout the relationship chain -- so in other words, it would be your business, to use that phrase, because she is a part of the chain of relationships you are involved in (and so is the cheating guy), and actually a particularly close member, being someone who is seeing your BF. So I think you should speak with her about how uncomfortable it is for you that this guy who is cheating on his monogamous GF is now inside your chain of relationships. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 I have a fairly close friend who is poly, and she tells me that the key is wide open communication throughout the relationship chain -- so in other words, it would be your business, to use that phrase, because she is a part of the chain of relationships you are involved in (and so is the cheating guy), and actually a particularly close member, being someone who is seeing your BF. So I think you should speak with her about how uncomfortable it is for you that this guy who is cheating on his monogamous GF is now inside your chain of relationships. Your right, I guess I'm just avoiding. And she sees this guy like once or twice a year. And it seems easier to deal with being annoyed at him every once in awhile then bring it up with her. Link to comment
watergirl Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Recently I realized one the problems I was having with my partners, partners, um… sex buddy/FWB was that he was cheating. It sounds so much more complicated then it is. My boyfriend’s girlfriend (and my very good friend) is seeing someone a few times a year, at burning man mostly but the last few times she saw him he was cheating on his girlfriend to be with her. Thoughts? That's not complicated? You can't have an open relationship/FWB/FB situation and cheat. It's impossible by definition. Link to comment
midnightrambler Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 That's not complicated? You can't have an open relationship/FWB/FB situation and cheat. It's impossible by definition. that is my position Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 That's not complicated? You can't have an open relationship/FWB/FB situation and cheat. It's impossible by definition. We are poly. And people use the term "open" in all sorts of ways. My boyfriend could cheat on me by having sex with someone I didn't know about or lying about the kind of relationship he had with someone. He could go out with someone that I had asked him not to. There are a lot of ways to cheat. And in this instance it's because this guy has a girlfriend who has no idea that he is sleeping with someone else. If that isn't cheating I don't know what is. Link to comment
novaseeker Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Guys, she's talking about the guy who is cheating on his monogamous girlfriend. That is cheating -- not on anyone in the poly chain, but on the woman outside the poly chain who thinks she has a monogamous relationship with her BF, when in fact he occasionally sleeps with a woman who is part of a polyamorous arrangement. Link to comment
Snoopy24 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 How can your "boyfriend" have a girlfriend..that is not you.. ? If you want an open relationship, that's one thing. But I've never heard of someone having multiple girlfriends or boyfriends. But anyway, I don't really see how it's your problem? It's her decision if she wants to sleep with him or not. Link to comment
novaseeker Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 How can your "boyfriend" have a girlfriend..that is not you.. ? If you want an open relationship, that's one thing. But I've never heard of someone having multiple girlfriends or boyfriends. But anyway, I don't really see how it's your problem? It's her decision if she wants to sleep with him or not. She's polyamorous. So she has a "primary" relationship (her boyfriend) and then secondary relationships and perhaps even tertiary ones, as does her boyfriend. I've known other poly people, and this terminology is not uncommon. It is her friend's decision as to whom to sleep with, but generally people involved in a poly relationship chain are open with each other -- especially when the relationship is that close (they are, respectively, girlfriend and lover of the same guy). But since she only sees this other guy (the cheater) a couple of times a year, it may not be a big deal, I think. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 How can your "boyfriend" have a girlfriend..that is not you.. ? If you want an open relationship, that's one thing. But I've never heard of someone having multiple girlfriends or boyfriends. But anyway, I don't really see how it's your problem? It's her decision if she wants to sleep with him or not. If you have never heard of it this is a good place to start if you want to understand it better. link removed And it's not really my problem, but it is something I care about. And it's mostly a matter if I care about it should I talk to her about it. I love her and respect her. So I think I will do my best and talk to her about it. Link to comment
Hope75 Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 I don't really know how to handle this situation. It would seem to me that with poly relationships the lines are all blurred so how can you say certain types of sharing partners is OK and other types aren't? Also, she is your boyfriend's girlfriend, not yours, so how involved are you with her? It would seem that is the risk you take with this type of relationship. Link to comment
rosephase Posted June 2, 2008 Author Share Posted June 2, 2008 I don't really know how to handle this situation. It would seem to me that with poly relationships the lines are all blurred so how can you say certain types of sharing partners is OK and other types aren't? Also, she is your boyfriend's girlfriend, not yours, so how involved are you with her? It would seem that is the risk you take with this type of relationship. It might sound funny but she is my best friend. I wouldn't have thought it would have worked out that way when this all started happening but it has. We have even tried dating, but it didn't work out that well. But she is very close. Certain types of sharing partners are all up front and with clear intentions other ways of sharing partners is cheating or lying or hurting someone. ANd I don't want that. Link to comment
amtjrtcet Posted June 2, 2008 Share Posted June 2, 2008 Well she is dating my boyfriend. So I guess that is the problem, I don't know if it's my business. I don't know where the lines are. Which is kind of the norm for poly relationships. I am so flippin confused....How can you cheat if you're in an open relationship? Link to comment
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