"Taking Care" of a girl - what do you define this as?

[sahara56]

I lost a long-term relationship (3 years) a few years back with an exceptional girl because she felt I wasn't "taking care" of her. For her, it meant, not paying for all our meals/groceries/and most international travel.

 

She was independently wealthy, so didnt "need" the money, but for her, it showed that I cared for her. By going more like 50/50 or me slightly more in most instances, she felt that wasn't enough. Many of my friends thought she was unreasonable and being a "princess"

 

More recently, I have been seeing a great girl which initially was a FWB. I then realised after she quit seeing me that I really did like her. We got back together but now she has dumped me again as I don't "take care of her". Her definition is wider, but also includes the financial

 

I was raised in an environment where men and women were equals and while a guy should be nice and respectful of a woman, it isn't his "job" to "make her happy" - she should be happy anyway, and he supports her when she is in need, or help her reach new heights

 

I am frustrated by how upset this current girl is and now she won't even talk to me.

 

Am I the problem by being too 'tight' or not being the archetypal "knight in shining armour", or what??? I don't know if its worth going to fight for this girl if she is so convinced I am "not the kind of guy she is looking for", when I am a "nice guy", but no push-over

 

HELP!

[hamsalad]

They sound a little like gold diggers to me. Actually, a lot like one of those!

[Lana0120]

They both sound like gold-diggers... the first one no doubt whatsoever. I'm interested in what the second girl wanted you to do, to 'take care of her' though. As sometimes guys can take girls for granted and not to basic things. I've heard friends complaining because they've hurt themselves and their guys didn't help them out or express sympathy, and other things like that.

[star-shaped]

It sounds ike you're going for the wrong type of girl...

[sahara56]

the second girl is i think a bit upset about how things started and i DID take her for granted as we were FWB - some of that history in my estimation is carrying over for her

 

last night I was on the phone talking to a friend on the way to meet her and when she called a few times on my cell, I didn't end the call with my friend. For her, this was the last straw as she doesnt care if "you're talking to the President"

 

Other stuff includes getting deck chairs for her when we are by the pool, holding her hand in public, asking what food she wants to eat (and then she answers "I dunno"), and standing on the outside of the road,etc. She doesn't feel like I do enough of this stuff.

 

There are one or two incidents which I feel she is blowing WAY out of proportion (such as letting her hand go whilst out in public) and I am now stuck in mess being categorised as a guy who doesn't "take care" of women, when I thought I was treating her equal.

 

I think she seemed very LOW maintenance at first, so I've always treated her like that. In fact, what probably happened is that she was so very keen to have a relationship with me when we were FWB that she TOOK a lot of stuff that she didn't want to. Now, I have to learn how she wants to be treated?

[DN]

These women don't want a boyfriend - they want a servant. The only difference being that the servant has to pay for the privilege of working for his boss.

[george237]

Not neccessarily gold-diggers. I am sure if you would have done things for them beside pay for stuff it would have made them happy. If you can't afford an expensive dinner then take her out for icecream. If you can't afford nice gifts get her a card every once and a while letting her know she was on your mind. If you can't take her to Europe take her to a B&B for a weekend.

 

The thing women want most is to be number 1 in a man's life. It is your job to show them this.

[GHdancer]

As a girl we are weird.

 

we like protection but not to be smuthered

we like guys to "take care of us" but not to treat us like a charity case.

we like guys attention but for them not to be clingy.

 

so i do feel sorry for the guys!

 

As for your comment i would ask the second girl what it is she feels you wern't doing enough off. A sfor the money side us girls of course like it when we're wined and dined and the guys pay but a polite lady should always offer to go halves or if sshe's been letting you pay for a while offer to treat YOU.

 

i don't agree with guys always treating the girls that the guy should always pay whats wrong with a lady treating a guy they deserve it.

 

one last comment to make though is those girls liked you enough thay wouldn't have minded they would have stayed by you and if it got to them that much they might tell you about it but work through it.

[m12988]

Gold diggers for sure. As a woman who is trying to go out in this world and be independent, it makes me mad and embarrassed for my gender that there are "women" out there like this that expect a man to foot the bill every single time. Women do not need to be "taken care of", women are ADULTS not children and you should probably tell your ex and that other girl that. To me, both of these girls are not worth your time, you do not deserve to go through life feeling you have to take care of someone that is perfectly able to do that on their own. They are probably less likely to work and just sponge off you if you were to marry them. Besides seeming like lazy people, they also sound very sexist.

 

These girls also have a warped sense of what love and caring for someone is. Of course, you already know this because i can tell you're very smart for breaking up with her, but money and paying for things does not equal love. I don't have a job, but when I receive some money from my parents, I save some and I still try to foot the bill at dinner for my fiance sometimes. It's just not right for a man to have the responsibility to feed, clothe, and make a woman happy. Relationships are a give and take, 50-50 thing, each partner must contribute emotionally, physically, and financially.

[sahara56]

I was VERY emotionally expressive with the first girl, always letting her know how I felt in many different ways

 

The second, I haven't said I love her (havent told anyone in two years), haven't complimented her much or done things really out of my way. I can understand some of her frustration. I do care, but its still taking me time to warm up to this (even though seeing each other for months...)

 

I guess you're right - I haven't shown overall that she is #1. I might not express it in her ways (buying dinner, etc), but I haven't done it in my way either. She says if I felt this way, I would do it.

[m12988]

As a girl we are weird.

 

we like protection but not to be smuthered

we like guys to "take care of us" but not to treat us like a charity case.

we like guys attention but for them not to be clingy.

 

so i do feel sorry for the guys!

 

 

I know i'm not born needing to be protected, taken care of, or in need of constant attention. I think many girls (including the ones mentioned in here) need to put down the romance novels and soap operas and understand that women have no excuse to act like that and men are not to be a knight and shining armor to them. Some women still don't understand that they can be perfectly functional without the "protection" of a man. Besides, how can a man protect you anyway? I dont get it. Can he protect you from a bullet should you get robbed someday? Can he protect you from a drunk driver smashing into your car? Lol, i really just don't get this protection business.

[15 Storeys High]

Taking care of a girl shouldn't mean paying for everything. Taking care of a lady is holding the door open for her, standing on the road side whilst walking, carrying her when her shoes hurt her feet, randomly kissing/hugging her in public whenever, buying her silly presents that mean something, getting flowers for no reason, being aware of how she feels/her body language, protecting her when she is scared.....and so on and so on. It is not paying for everything and it is not ditching your friends or ending phonecalls in the middle of a conversation.

 

That's my definition. Everyone has a different definition and if your definitions don't match then you aren't going to be compatible unless you both learn to compromise on it.

[sahara56]

to clarify, both these women can't be gold diggers, the first was a multi-multi millionairre and the second is a very successful lawyer

 

i learnt some lessons in the first relationship like not trying to coddle a woman so much as my expressions of love left me empty when it came to dollars and cents in the end. With the second one, I am more careful with my heart, so much so that she wasnt even sure if she was my GF.

 

I guess everyone wants to be wanted and for the second one at least, I just havent shown her enough. She says its over, and wont take my calls. She says if I want to do anything I will have to SHOW it.

[redhearts]

Yeh, you been getting some golddiggeres, regardless of having money prior to meeting you they just want more. They will act like oh so what if I do have my own money my man should be paying for stuff, they were probably raised for the guy to pay it all, but kind of don't let him because they are well off. Yet complain when they do pay saying they do it too much, because they think its the other way around.

 

Just keep being who you are! The way I am, I'm female, is I pay for my own I really don't like when guys pay. If anything I'll end up paying for both! So it depends on the girl and how she is, maybe on how she was raised. My parents didn't teach me anything on that except to pay for myself at all times so that could be why I'm like that, but I'm also a very nice person that I'll sometimes pay for both when its easier to do.

[ghost69]

taking care of a girl?

 

depends if you are a hitman or wanting a relationship.

 

if you want a relationship, which i'm assuming, you just be nice. take care of her needs. keep her happy. be yourself. flirt, make her laugh, etc. just don't do that so much you are a *****.

[sahara56]

Taking care of a girl shouldn't mean paying for everything. Taking care of a lady is holding the door open for her, standing on the road side whilst walking, carrying her when her shoes hurt her feet, randomly kissing/hugging her in public whenever, buying her silly presents that mean something, getting flowers for no reason, being aware of how she feels/her body language, protecting her when she is scared.....and so on and so on. It is not paying for everything and it is not ditching your friends or ending phonecalls in the middle of a conversation.

 

 

 

 

YES, the second one was annoyed about these things - I wasn't doing them, or enough for her. I think sometimes she didn't notice, and mostly, I wasn't doing them ANYWHERE NEAR what I did for the first girl

 

Reason being, it didn't matter at the end of the day. I guess this is my problem about not being able to open up now and am still being very much a man's man instead of the romantic that I used to be.

[m12988]

I was VERY emotionally expressive with the first girl, always letting her know how I felt in many different ways

 

The second, I haven't said I love her (havent told anyone in two years), haven't complimented her much or done things really out of my way. I can understand some of her frustration. I do care, but its still taking me time to warm up to this (even though seeing each other for months...)

 

I guess you're right - I haven't shown overall that she is #1. I might not express it in her ways (buying dinner, etc), but I haven't done it in my way either. She says if I felt this way, I would do it.

 

I understand how that can be frustrating though. I think it could've helped had you at least expressed your feelings for her in your way. Also, it's good that you haven't tossed around the love word when you haven't really felt it. It's way worse to lead someone on than just not say anything at all when you don't feel it. If she knows that you aren't ready for the love word, she should understand.....but if she doesn't then thats kinda manipulative and immature. Just let it go at your own pace.

[Lana0120]

The information you've provided about the second girl, seems a little strange. I think when a guy treats a girl really nicely and then does it much less, or stops doing it, then that does suck. However, I think she is expecting too much from you and is too demanding. Find another girl!

[sahara56]

She hasn't asked about saying LOVE YOU's which is a good thing, so thankfully no stress there

 

Just that I have not treated her REALLY SPECIAL. At first, I thought she was really cool and so kept it low key, now it seems like she wants to be treated like a real lady. That's fine I guess, but some of it has to be earnt and throwing tantrums and not communicating doesn't help

 

I was upset at her over the weekend - we both went out with our friends separately we went to dinner. She was feeling sick at the time I left her and said she didnt want to stay out late. The next thing, its 3am and I pick her up and she has puked (from shots) that some guys have been buying her and her friends. I couldn't quite put together someone wanting to be treated so well, but also act like a girl. A woman doesnt do that.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

it looks like you are attracted to girls who are prima donna's and drama queens... want to be the center of your world with you fussing over them all the time.

 

be careful to avoid the really strict gender roles, as in 'a lady doesn't do that...' if overly strict gender roles strangle the both of you. perhaps you are subsconsciously looking for an old fashioned girly girl type but then when they fall back to the stereotypical 'take care of me behavior' you get annoyed.

 

everyone wants to feel they are special, but when you get into too many assigned roles based on who is the woman and who is the man, that can be constricting for both of you. Look for a different type of girl, one who is low maintenance rather than high maintenance and overly dramatic.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, you have had the same complaint from TWO women...and from what you have described, it doesn't sound to me like you found two bad apples. I think the money is not really the issue with these women, nor is it about "taking care of them" in the sense of protection. It is about attentiveness and the little things which show that you are a couple rather than two friends who do stuff together and have sex. So the paying for dinners is not about the money...it is about showing that you are willing to treat her. It is not about paying all the time...but about periodically saying to her "this is my treat". When everything is split all the time, it becomes like when any two friends go out and they each pay their own way. Treating the woman to dinner periodically adds the special touch which makes a woman feel like she is special to the man, not just some friend. Holding hands and attentiveness is very important as well. Love is not about repeating the words "I love you" or about public displays of affection...love is about finding out how the person's day went, special glances, inside jokes and a sense of connectedness that goes beyond friendship.

[sahara56]

You're dead right, at least in the case of the second one. The first is pretty complicated.

 

I have been pretty lazy in some departments and she does need to point it out (unfortunately in quite unproductive ways...) whereas the first was never lacking any attention from me - in fact, had WAY too much.

 

I don't know that I will marry the second one (how can I?) so part of me is wondering whether to let sleeping dogs lie, but I really do CARE about her, and feel upset that she is so mad/upset, and has cast me as such a bad caretaker of women

[SapphireNoir10]

Find different girls! I LOVE being as financially independent as possible. Certain things annoy me like if my fiance says he hasnt got any money and buys something expensive for himself!

 

BUT I like being able to look after myself, at the moment Im at college, and I work part time but I pay for all my own needs where he pays the bills until I work full time and when I do I will pay my share. I dont expect to be paid for, my fiance buys me the occasional meal or bunch of flowers and thats enough, relationships shouldnt be about the material aspect anyway. Love is love. The sensible thing is to go 50/50 if your earning the same amount if your earning more than the girl maybe 60/40.

[thejigsup]

These women make us all look bad. They want equality, yet expect the guy to pay for everything! It doesn't work that way! 50/50 is a great base for modern relationships. Men are not money trees, they're people.

[servedcold]

to clarify, both these women can't be gold diggers, the first was a multi-multi millionairre and the second is a very successful lawyer

 

Have to disagree here. In fact, women from a wealthy background can be some of the absolute worst gold diggers as they have gotten everything handed to them throughout life and expect it to continue in perpetuity. Her money is "her" money, and she will hold tight to it like a miser. Your money is also "her" money, but it's ok for her to spend that money. Your money is and always be what she thinks of as her "disposable income."

 

Moreover, in my experience, it's more often the case that a professional woman with a high income will only consider men of her financial standing. These can be some of the most mercenary women you will ever deal with.

 

Of course there are wealthy women and successful career women out there who aren't like this. But as long as the "daddy's little princess" model of female child-rearing is prevalent, and it still is today, you will see this bad apple type everywhere. Men are to blame also for raising daughters in this way, so it's not a one-sided gender issue at all.

 

My last three GFs have been like this. They are smart enough not to show it on the front end, but as they begin to consider you as a candidate for a LTR, say three-six months in, the facade comes down and it becomes apparent that you are dealing with someone with little character other than what was bought with daddy's (and also mommy's) checkbook.

 

One day, women will not be raised like this, and already, you can see that the old ways are fading. We men of the transitional generations just have to accept the given reality and deal with it. One thing's for certain, men are wising up, and there will be lots of very lonely 35-55 y.o. women out there during the transition once their sex appeal fades. Buy stock in cat food...