Bf never compliments me

[pumpkin_pie]

Hi everyone. I'm just wondering if this is a red flag that I'm ignoring or if it's something that is pretty insignificant.

 

My boyfriend of a year and a half never compliments me. He has probably said I'm attractive (in some way) less than five times during our whole relationship.

 

Tonight was a formal event and I got very dressed up in a gown. I thought I looked nice and my friend said I looked pretty. But my boyfriend didn't say anything about my appearance . . .. Well, that's not true actually. He said at the end of the evening that my hair looked dry and that I should treat it with oil.

 

I've mentioned to him before that I'd like to hear more compliments, but he just can't seem to bring himself to give them. Is it dumb that I want them? Should I just accept that he's not going to compliment me and so thereforeeee I should not be disappointed when he doesn't?

 

He actually gives me more criticism than compliments on my appearance. Anyone else heard of this? Should I be concerned about this?

 

I guess I've been telling myself that it's okay because (I tell myself) he must find me attractive enough to date me for one and a half years. And I tell myself that anyone can just lie and say they find me attractive, so why should the words matter?

[caro33]

I agree that no nice comments at all would seem a bit rough, but it might just mean he does not show affection like that. Maybe he is desperately uncomfortable with compliments, maybe he is not sure how to give them, who knows.

 

Is he good to you in other ways? Do you think he tries to show he loves you in another "currency" besides verbal statements?

[renaissancewoman101]

Guys who criticize too much, use it as a way of having "power" over you and make themselves feel important. Your bf may be insecure about the way you look, and criticize and/or withold compliments as a way to "control" you.

[knightNshiningarmor]

i hate receiving complements maybe he just doesnt like giving them...maybe he was in a past relationship where overuse of compliments put the other person on a pedalstool and made it a very unhealthy relationship....i think the best thing is to have an earnest chat...dont be accusing like..."Why dont you give me compliments!" but rather did you like my dress the other night and see how he responds if he says yes then go into it further but remember dont be accusative...if he says no then tell him he can go with you next time to pick out your next one.

[knightNshiningarmor]

Guys who criticize too much, use it as a way of having "power" over you and make themselves feel important. Your bf may be insecure about the way you look, and criticize and/or withold compliments as a way to "control" you.

 

it is true...in the pick up community they talk about giving little "negs" as a means to appear as the more desired party.

[greywolf]

hmmm... I think compliments are an important part of a relationship. I guess that may sound shallow, but who else should appreciate you more than your SO? There's nothing wrong with wanting to be told that we are appreciated. Or so I think.

[m12988]

That is stupid of him, yes. Maybe you should start giving him your own critiques and shut off all compliments. Just a thought lol.

[renaissancewoman101]

Relationships where there are NO compliments, only criticisms, is very painful and hurtful. Been there, done that. And after a while, it eats away at your self-esteem and enthusiasm for life.

[sophie274]

Do you compliment him?

 

Some men are more vocal than others, although I do find it odd that you say he criticizes your appearance a lot. Is this in response to you asking him for advice (do you like this dress?) or does he just volunteer those criticisms? Is he a critical person in general?

[Day_Walker]

It would be more of a concern if your bf all of a sudden just stopped giving you compliments. That would indicate that something is up. However if he wasnt showering your with compliments when you first met then I dont see why you would expect him to start now.

 

If this is a deal breaker for you then you need to decide that for yourself.

[Haven]

I would think that it's bad to criticize anyone's appearance, regardless of whether or not you're dating them. Just because you're his girlfriend doesn't give him the right to tell you how you should and shouldn't look. I agree with others; he may be criticizing you to show that he controls you, for whatever reason. The most likely reason, in my opinion, is that he's scared of losing you and feels like if he criticizes you, then you will be more likely to stay with him (since you'll feel like if you break up with him, no one else will want you). Then again, there are definitely other explanations... but going by what you said, that would be my guess.

 

You should try complimenting him. That should help him start to compliment you.

 

My ex-boyfriend never showered me with compliments, but he never criticized me either. Even when I knew I looked horrible because I'd just woken up or something, he told me I looked amazing.

 

I personally think your boyfriend's criticisms are a red flag. Either that, or he has self-esteem issues. Most people who don't compliment others are scared of losing social status or of being rejected. Showing that you care for others or admire others means making yourself vulnerable. For example, if you break up with him and he never complimented you, then he can play it off as "oh, I never liked her that much anyway". But if he compliments you all the time and tells you that you are amazing and then you break up with him... there is no way he can be like, "I never liked her that much". It will be "I liked her so much and then she dumped me."

 

That's just my opinion/analysis, though. But if you don't want to break up with him, try complimenting him and saying nice things to him for a while and see if anything changes.

[ghost69]

i don't think he does it to control you. i think he isn't attracted to your current appearance and wants you to change.

[Taylor527]

He might not know that it bothers you. Guys are a different species then us women.

 

Talk to him about it - tell him you would like it if he gave you sweet compliments every now and then.

[Gratsy]

Its a fundamental part of a relationship: feeling appreciated. He doesn't do that for you.

[Angel_325]

My boyfriend of almost 6 months rarely compliments me as well. In fact, he sometimes compliments his brother's fiance more than he does me. For example when she had her hair up very nice and neat he said she looked "like a doll". Whenever I did stuff with my hair, although not as glamorous, he never said anything to me. When I asked him why he doesn't give me compliments he said it's because he doesn't feel he needs to say anything. He said he notices evrything but doesn't feel like he has to say it. I think he should, but maybe that's how some guys are. I've also been told that when a guy feels comfortable with you he doesn't feel the need to always compliment you. I don't know if that's good or bad.

[Gratsy]

My boyfriend of almost 6 months rarely compliments me as well. In fact, he sometimes compliments his brother's fiance more than he does me. For example when she had her hair up very nice and neat he said she looked "like a doll". Whenever I did stuff with my hair, although not as glamorous, he never said anything to me. When I asked him why he doesn't give me compliments he said it's because he doesn't feel he needs to say anything. He said he notices evrything but doesn't feel like he has to say it. I think he should, but maybe that's how some guys are. I've also been told that when a guy feels comfortable with you he doesn't feel the need to always compliment you. I don't know if that's good or bad.

 

I agree...I'd be mad to. Actually, a large requirement for me is a guy who is able to show me he appreciates me and a large part of that is through compliments...men have a way of making you feel wonderful/desired if they want to.

[iambrazilian]

Coming from a guy here who used to do this to his now-ex:

 

I liked/loved her, but was not attracted at all to her looks. I guess I wanted her personality, and wanted her, but wanted a different type of her. I NEVER complimented her. Most of our fights were because I CONSTANTLY thought and looked at other women. I had "settled" for this girlfriend. She was in no way my type, and sadly I let her know it. I loved how she treated me, SOMETIMES, and how she was, but not what she looked like.

 

Needless to say I broke up with her because it is unfair to her. Was I an butthole? Yes.

[bhzmafia]

i hate receiving complements maybe he just doesnt like giving them...maybe he was in a past relationship where overuse of compliments put the other person on a pedalstool and made it a very unhealthy relationship....

 

Listen to this guy. He knows whats going on...

I came from a background where I gave too many compliments, and after a stint in the PU community, now I find it much harder to give them.

 

I wouldnt worry about it though, being together for that long he MUST find you attractive.

[Excalibur]

Does he compliment anybody?

 

If so, it is generally strangers - or close associates?

[JadedStar]

i don't think he does it to control you. i think he isn't attracted to your current appearance and wants you to change.

 

I agree with this.

 

I think that the initial attraction could be fading. Since you HAVE told him how you feel about this and that you would like compliments and still get none, that leaves me to believe he has nothing that he feels like complimenting you on.

 

I think you need to figure out if you can deal with this. Even if it is his personality, do you want to be longterm with someone who can readily criticize and never compliment?

[JadedStar]

Coming from a guy here who used to do this to his now-ex:

 

I liked/loved her, but was not attracted at all to her looks. I guess I wanted her personality, and wanted her, but wanted a different type of her. I NEVER complimented her. Most of our fights were because I CONSTANTLY thought and looked at other women. I had "settled" for this girlfriend. She was in no way my type, and sadly I let her know it. I loved how she treated me, SOMETIMES, and how she was, but not what she looked like.

 

Needless to say I broke up with her because it is unfair to her. Was I an butthole? Yes.

 

 

I think this is the slamming response here and exactly what I thought was going on when i read the OP.

 

Out of all responses I have a feeling this is the one that most closely matches what is going on thru his mind right now.

 

No one can know for sure but i think this is it.

 

I don't think you were an a hole. You can't help who you are attracted to and to your credit you broke it off so as to not continue being unfair to her.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There are some people who are not great at giving compliments. There are also some people who feel it is a weakness to give a compliment so instead they give criticisms to show "who's the boss". Although one possibility is that he is simply not attracted to you anymore, that is not necessarily true just because he doesn't compliment you. The lack of compliments and the constant criticisms could have more to do with him and his own insecurities and nothing to do with his attraction to you. How does he treat you? Is he controlling in other ways? Does he put you down in other ways?

[Gratsy]

I think this is the slamming response here and exactly what I thought was going on when i read the OP.

 

Out of all responses I have a feeling this is the one that most closely matches what is going on thru his mind right now.

 

No one can know for sure but i think this is it.

 

I don't think you were an a hole. You can't help who you are attracted to and to your credit you broke it off so as to not continue being unfair to her.

 

 

I'm not so sure. I mean, its the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Going out with someone you're not attracted to and then criticizing them b/c you're not attracted to them. I think that its odd and really rare...probability is low that its whats going on in her case. Most likely her boyfriend is just a jerk off.

[iambrazilian]

I'm not so sure. I mean, its the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. Going out with someone you're not attracted to and then criticizing them b/c you're not attracted to them. I think that its odd and really rare...probability is low that its whats going on in her case. Most likely her boyfriend is just a jerk off.

Wrong. Many, many people are dating someone that they would necessarily check out at a bar or club. They are with the person because they love the other person's personality, attitude, sense of humor, outlook on life, behavior, and how comfortable they can be around said person. The criticism comes out of people who don't know how to be more polite, not necessarily the problem itself.

 

Probability is actually very high. Her bf might be a jerk, and he also might be a normal person. Wives complain to their husbands about their guts, oil-stained clothes, sense of fashion, or body odor all the time. This is not a rare thing at all.

[Gratsy]

Wrong. Many, many people are dating someone that they would necessarily check out at a bar or club. They are with the person because they love the other person's personality, attitude, sense of humor, outlook on life, behavior, and how comfortable they can be around said person. The criticism comes out of people who don't know how to be more polite, not necessarily the problem itself.

 

Probability is actually very high. Her bf might be a jerk, and he also might be a normal person. Wives complain to their husbands about their guts, oil-stained clothes, sense of fashion, or body odor all the time. This is not a rare thing at all.

 

Wives are women. Men don't do that stuff. Care about looks too much.