Oh God what am I gonna do??!

[m12988]

How do you do that with a FWB that has no interest in settling down?

 

Well, nobody said he had to go and get married if thats what you meant by settling down. When you have sex though, that's one thing you have to take in consideration that there is always that possibility. You need to tell him, he is the father and will need to help out. Even if it means you two not living together, he should be in his kid's life some way, at least financially.

[thejigsup]

I see men get away without paying child support every day. The courts are so backlogged they seldom get around to making the dad pay. My bf has a client who has been divorced for over two years and he gets full visitation and doesn't pay a cent of child support. The court says they are going to set a hearing on that, "one of these days". They keep postponing it to argue about whether she has to help pay for the boy to play baseball (she does). It is very hard to collect child support if he has a good lawyer. I never got a cent. My ex left the state and it's hard to collect back child support when they move and start working under the table. My son is twenty now and I brought him up without any help from his father. You can do it!

[m12988]

I see men get away without paying child support every day. The courts are so backlogged they seldom get around to making the dad pay. My bf has a client who has been divorced for over two years and he gets full visitation and doesn't pay a cent of child support. The court says they are going to set a hearing on that, "one of these days". They keep postponing it to argue about whether she has to help pay for the boy to play baseball (she does). It is very hard to collect child support if he has a good lawyer. I never got a cent. My ex left the state and it's hard to collect back child support when they move and start working under the table. My son is twenty now and I brought him up without any help from his father. You can do it!

 

I always wonder why it seems to fall on the mother more than the father though. The men who don't pay child support (and don't pay attention to their children) need to be neutered.

[Batya33]

Given the situation why not give the child to parents who can take care of him or her in a stable family?

[Hope75]

Given the situation why not give the child to parents who can take care of him or her in a stable family?

 

I'm unsure Batya why you think because the child was conceived via a one night stand that her mother (and father- should he choose to become involved) cannot raise the child in a stable manner?

 

I know many single parents who are doing a fantastic job of raising children, and some married couples who do not do such a great job.

 

It seems a bit dismissive to assume she cannot be a good and stable parent because of how the child was conceived.

 

Perhaps you could elaborate?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

It's very admirable that you're trying to do the right thing by your child even though this is quite the surprise. As for whether to get child support...you are right about that too. Both parties know that when you have sex, you could end up with a baby.

 

Child support isn't about the mother. It's about the child. Children are expensive...they need childcare, healthcare, food, clothing, baby stuff, toys, later on there are extra curricular activities, double the travel costs whenever you take them anywhere, you need safe and reliable transportation, you need more space when you get a place to live, you name it. Risks that you could take when it was just you can no longer be taken, because you are the world to that baby (like driving a beater, etc.). Anything that happens to you impacts this little being BIG TIME.

 

So asking for child support from a baby's father is not about a woman's dependency or non-dependency. The baby is dependent on his/her parent for every single thing, and you are simply advocating for that child to have what he or she will need.

 

Alimony is about an adult's dependency. Child support is about a child's dependency. Let's not confuse the two issues.

[ghozt]

You best bet is to tell him stright up and if hes a good guy he'll step up and be a father, you two dont have to be together just keep a good relation to each other for the child sake maybe it could evole into a realtionship with this news who knows though until you tell him

 

But if he runs, just hunt him down and make him be a father with it be physical or just financially

[Batya33]

I'm unsure Batya why you think because the child was conceived via a one night stand that her mother (and father- should he choose to become involved) cannot raise the child in a stable manner?

 

I know many single parents who are doing a fantastic job of raising children, and some married couples who do not do such a great job.

 

It seems a bit dismissive to assume she cannot be a good and stable parent because of how the child was conceived.

 

Perhaps you could elaborate?

 

Not sure why you made all those assumptions. I was going on her several posts about how she is in no position to raise a child and he is not either and how she was not planning for a child right now - for example her post about how she will end up a single mother with a dead beat dad and is scared as "heck" and "But I do need help....I can't afford a child on my own. Its not fair for him to get off free and clear and not have to be responsible...especially when financially he's completely capable."

 

Adoption is an alternative here among a few. I never made the generalized assumptions you wrote in your post about how the child was conceived or whether single parents can do a good job raising children. I was responding to the specific situation here and here, we have a woman who wasn't planning for a child and doesn't have the wherewithal to support or raise a child, a man who doesn't want to be a father or give even financial support. In that specific situation, adoption might be in the best interests of the child (and also the bio parents).

[Hope75]

Given the situation why not give the child to parents who can take care of him or her in a stable family?

 

You're right- I assumed a lot by this statement. When you clarify it like that it makes more sense.

 

Sorry for the misunderstanding!

[Atticus90]

I'm one of the few who are apposed to child support.

 

If he doesn't want the child, then don't pester him about seeing the baby, child support, etc: . If you want the baby, then you should be responsible for it. If he doesn't want it, then why should he pay a dime? There's always abortion and adoption.

 

You're just like any human on this earth. You're capable of getting a job and makeing just as much as he does. I was raised by a single parent with no child support from the other parent. We were poor about a billion times. If my family got through it, then you can also.

 

Don't take this approach as being rude or heartless. I'm just trying to express that you're capable in every way of makeing a living just as he did.

 

Good luck

[sophie274]

I'm one of the few who are apposed to child support.

 

If he doesn't want the child, then don't pester him about seeing the baby, child support, etc: . If you want the baby, then you should be responsible for it. If he doesn't want it, then why should he pay a dime? There's always abortion and adoption.

 

 

Because he made it. And it's never considered (legally) that having the baby is choosing to take care of it YOURSELF ALONE, because you could have had an abortion or adopted it out.

 

It really shocks me how some men take no responsibility for their actions. If you don't want to be at risk of having to pay child support, then don't have sex.

[Girl79]

It's true that it is both of their responsibilty.. but honestly I think that he should have the right to have it or not have it too. I mean it took both of them to conceive, and I know it's her body, but I just don't feel that it is right to have/keep a baby you don't want with a friend who you were just sleeping with. I'm sorry but it's going to be very tough for her to raise this kid on her own when she can't financially support it.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

It's true that it is both of their responsibilty.. but honestly I think that he should have the right to have it or not have it too. I mean it took both of them to conceive, and I know it's her body, but I just don't feel that it is right to have/keep a baby you don't want with a friend who you were just sleeping with. I'm sorry but it's going to be very tough for her to raise this kid on her own when she can't financially support it.

 

No, he shouldn't have the right to decide whether she should have this baby or not. He had the right to say no to sex, but he chose to do it, and looky there, nature did her thing and now there's a baby to raise. And he did it knowing that should she become pregnant, it's not his decision and he has no control over that outcome.

 

In any given situation, if both parties do not agree on something, there is only one person who can make a decision.

 

So what if it's tough? So are lots of things. It doesn't make them not worth doing.

 

As for the sentiments on child support and whether the non-custodial parent should pay, the answer is they absolutely should. They are getting to live their little lives and not have to worry about 24/7 childcare. If you want someone to do your job as well as their own, and to provide the shelter so you don't have to, and provide the food because you didn't want to, and yet this child is made because you provided half the genetic material, well guess what....you have to pay for that privilege. She'd have to pay too if she was the non-custodial parent.

 

I think it's darn funny that people who obviously don't have children and don't know what child-rearing is *really* like love to talk about how unnecessary child support is and imply that women who request it of their children's fathers must be golddiggers (thanks Kanye!).

 

Bottom line, this society values money over children's welfare and it values money over personal responsibility. People need to take responsibility for what they choose to do to meet their sexual needs!

[Rabican]

How do you do that with a FWB that has no interest in settling down?

 

Hey 'insert name here' Look theres something you need to know, I know we werent planning this, but I am pregnant.

 

I plan on (keeping the baby/having an abortion), since you are the father, I wanted you to know, and ask where you stand on this. I also thought you should know that I really do like you.

 

Just be blunt... the worst he can say is I want no part in this, and then you reply with ok, just make sure you dont leave the country so that I can get child support.

[Rabican]

And THIS ^^^^ is why men are jerks. What an awful way to think.

 

It makes me sad that women can't be independent anymore and have resorted to extortion & gold digging.

 

Maybe he'll want to be involved & all her worries will be for nothing, hopefully

 

It makes me sad that a woman cant leave the kid at home to fend for himself for 8 hours a day while she works... and cant keep working all the way through pregnancy... and cant get free child care, health care, food etc.

 

Look man the bottom line is as a guy, if you are man enough to do the deed, you gotta be man enough to deal with the results.

[m12988]

Totally agree with that. I wish everyone would think this way, lol.

[bilhana]

i am in the exact situation. i just found out literally less than an hour ago i am pregnant from my FWB. we have been involved for more than a year and have made major headway in terms of getting serious. i know this is going to flip him out. i am not having a child, unless for some miraculous reason he wants to do that, but i am not holding my breath.

 

i also am concerned he will accuse me of sleeping around. but i have not! i keep record and we were together on my most fertile of days. he only comes to see me once or twice a week and then he might skip a week and come back to see me.

 

i like this guy a lot too, and i know this news will be the end of us. the truth is, i don't want to lose him but i will need financial support for my decision to terminate.

 

because the fun and carefree aspect of our relationship has now been compromised, i can say goodbye to this one. and we were great together.

[Batya33]

Wasn't the fun and carefree aspect compromised when you chose to have unprotected sex with him (or chose to use protection but have sex on your fertile days?).

[dream83]

I think a guy gives the "okay" for the woman to have his baby the minute that guy undertakes even a small risk of impregnating her. The decisonmaking starts long before the clothes come off. People who absolutely don't want a child (or to pay child support) either shouldn't have sex or they should take the necessary medical steps to ensure that that doesn't happen. Otherwise, even if you are using common birth control, you are taking that risk. So, be prepared for it to happen because it might. Men absolutely should have to pay child support whether or not they want to keep the baby. Children should not be deprived of the support of one parent, and men who make babies and feel they should not have to pay for them should be held accountable for their behavior.

 

To the OP, just tell the guy. You will do just fine regardless what happens. I absolutely applaud you for owning up the choices you made and taking full care and responsibility for the situation that has resulted. Good luck with your pregnancy and I wish you a beautiful, healthy, happy baby!

[Batya33]

If a man is always obligated to pay child support if he chooses to have sex (I take it, even if she tells him she is 100% infertile, and even if they use a condom which breaks??), then a woman should be obligated to tell a man if she is pregnant with his child. If he's going to be responsible no matter what, he should have the right to know whether he is going to be a father, no matter what. In my opinion, there should be exceptions on both ends - if the woman lies to the man about being infertile, there's an argument at least that he should not have to pay child support, and if the woman is forced to have sex or the man in question is abusive, etc then she should not be obligated to tell him if he is the father of her child.

[Hezzie]

It's a responsibility to both parties, when you make that choice to agree to sexual intercourse. You're making the choice regarding the risks of pregnancy and assuming the out come.

 

A women should always be adult and responsible enough to let the biological father know, regardless of the fears involved. If he chooses not to be involved that's his decision. But you shouldn't let how afraid of his reactions you are to determine whether or not you'll let him know.

 

It's always hard, and painful when it comes to making these choices. but when you agree to sex you agree to the consequences that brings. If you choose to keep this child, you will struggle. it will be financially tight and frustrating at times. But you'll have times that make it completely worth it.

 

You can choose to have an abortion, But abortion should never be a form of birth control, unless there are severe health risks to you or the baby, or it was a result of rape. Abortion should not be looked at as an open choice

 

Adoption is a great idea for people who are unable or unwilling to accept the responsibility of parenting. You can choose an open adoption which will give you the right to choose, and keep in contact with the family. You can receive letters and photos as well as send them. Or you can do a closed adoption where you do not choose the family and are not given information to keep in contact with the family.

 

And it's not only women who face these situations, but men as well. There are plenty of women who often have the baby, then leave the father with the responsibility, who don't pay child support and often are not involved with the child. My boyfriends dealing with this scenario right now. His daughter's mother is involved with a drug addict and is pregnant again, she rarely ever see's her daughter, pays no child support and is having ANOTHER child. In general humanity is sorely lacking.

 

You can do this, you can make it, you can be a single parent. Or you can be two parents. You don't have to have two parents to be a great parent, you don't have to depend on someone else. It's great if they're there, it's easier if you have that help and support..but you won't always get it.

 

So just be careful, but be smart. Do what's best for you and the baby

it can't always be about what you want or need. Always what's truly best

[kenshinkitten]

I'm glad you're not doing an abortion b/c you were careless.

People that use abortion as a birth control are heartless.

The thing is though is that the condom broke and you were on the pill so it's not really your fault. Remember that if he tries to blame you.

[Batya33]

She chose to have sex and thereforeeee chose the risk that she could become pregnant, and he chose the same risk. That the condom broke is not anyone's "fault" it's part of the risk of having sex.

[WTHUWY]

Well I told him...he came over a few wks ago and I told him I was pregnant. He flipped out like I thought he would. He said 'how do I know its mine?! How do I know you haven't been sleeping with other people?!" I got upset and cried a little in front of him. He stomped out and said he'd see me around.....

 

I was devastated for a few days...Didn't go to work, didn't leave the house.. Then I pulled it together and accepted the fact that I'm gonna be a single mother...didn't hear from him since the night he left.

 

Then last night...it was about 11:30. I'd been asleep for about a half hour. I heard someone knocking on my door. I got up and low and behold....it was him. He looked like he'd been crying, or something..I don't know. He stood in the doorway and told me how selfish I was for keeping the baby, that I was gonna ruin his life. That we had a really good thing going between us & that this baby would ruin that...He said that he wasn't worried about child support...his exact words were "that's just a drop in the bucket..."

But that I was ruining his life b/c he wasn't ready to be a father..

 

Then he tells me that the last few wks he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me, that he misses me so much its killing him, but that he doesn't want a baby.

 

I asked him to leave. He did. Then he started calling. I didn't pick up the first time, he called back over and over...Finally I answered...he was still in his car outside my house. He said "I don't want to leave, I want to be with you, but I don't want this baby." I let him go and told him to home.

 

I just cried histerically all night. I didn't sleep at all.

[midnightrambler]

what a gem......kick him to the curb and have a lawyer get child suppport from him, as much as it legally allowed.