Yes, they are sleeping together - So what?

[EyesOnThePrize]

I was thinking about doing a topic on this the other day. I never got comfortable with how to word it then, and I'm going to give it a shot now. I'll state at the beginning that this is just my opinion, and that and $1.00 gets you a cup of generic coffee.

 

Basically, though, I do think this is a "deal with it" situation. We do not own our exes, they are free to do whatever and sleep with whomever they want. I think there are a lot of dumpees that were dumped because they were too clingy and attempted to control their partners actions and now, even after the breakups, we do the same. And does the fact that they are sleeping with these people mean they find these people more attractive than us? Well, yes...at least sexually. There, does your ego feel bruised now? Well, great. Is that all your relationship was to you in the past? About sex? Do you think the person only left because of sex? Or maybe these people who are sleeping with new people are doing it to temporarily feel the love they can't give themselves and that they didn't think they were getting from their exes so that they can try to stop the emotional bleeding they have inside. Does it work? In most cases, it probably does for a month or two or six...and then that void is still here. Most of these people aren't "making love", despite what they may say. I think they are just seeking a temporary balm. I think this is another reason that rebounds generally don't last. Rebounds/Affairs happen when emotional needs are not met. Rebounds/Affairs are selfish on the part of the rebounder. They show an unwillingness to work on their issues, and they treat the rebound/affair as an object to get them through a rough spot. When reality sets in, most of them fall apart. Now, I don't have a lot of sympathy for the rebound/affair, as they are going after a vulnerable person, except in the case where the person has withheld their relationship status (which does happen). These people also get a payoff out of it. Maybe to them it is just about easy sex and they are grateful for it as long as it lasts. Maybe for them they don't think they are worthy of relationships and when someone basically throws themselves at them, they grasp on...and then the rebounder realizes that he/she has gone from one clingy person to another, and the cycle repeats.

 

Have you slept with anyone before you met your current ex (I know some will answer this 'no')? Do you ever intend to sleep with someone again in your life? Do you think the temporary pleasure the ex gets from this new relationship, this new sex is better than the pleasure you will get from a new loving relationship where you truly are making love? And even if you do...its not your problem...again, you do not own your ex. If these things bother you so much, it is your problem, not the ex's problem. That is how the ex deals with things, you are responsible for your own reaction to them. So, suck it up, deal with your own life, maybe look at why your ego is taking this so badly, and move forward onto better things.

 

I'll say it again...this is just my opinion, you may see it differently. Speaking for myself, accepting that my ex is sleeping with slimeball has actually made it easier to me to deal with things because I'm getting her sense in doing it. She is not doing it to hurt me, she is doing it in a desperate need to feel loved. And, I know how my ex feels about sex in general. Slimeball's going to be in for a big surprise in a month or two. But he got his physical/emotional payoff and given how emotionaly shallow I believe him to be, that may be all he ever wanted. And in a couple of months, my ex's insecurities will run her life again, and she will start feeling bad about herself and withdraw from him. That won't change unless she decides to get some help for her problems. Meanwhile, I'll be on ENA, building friendships and learning and I'll be going out into the real world, making steps towards having a healthy relationship next time around, where emotional needs are met and where I don't have to worry about someone leaving me for sex with someone else, because it will be part of our complete package.

[EQD]

well in my opinion i agree with everything you said about rebounding is pretty much true.

It makes sense... but my ex rebounded after me for the reasons listed above Only they have been together for almost a year and a half. Yes their relationship is a joke because he cheats on her out of his emotional need, and they have broken up and gotten back together.. but they are still together.

This is what happens when a clinger meets a clinger. So if slimeball is a clinger and your ex doesnt have enough will power to see what she is doing to herself and change it.. then it may be one of those 'miserably (but together) ever after' stories

"Never underestimate the power of denial"

[Litgirl01]

Very insightful! xx

[surfjon]

Not sure who started being sexual first after our split, I hadn't been with anyone but her in 22 years and now have found I really was missing out, I've probably been with 15 girls in the last 6 months and every one was different, refreshing and memorable.

 

I could not care less who she's banging now, once I got back in the saddle, everything started getting better and I'd never go back.

 

I have a super hot 24 yo GF now who's crazy for me and I'm loving it.

 

There's my $1.00 worth!!

 

SHA!!!!

[EyesOnThePrize]

well in my opinion i agree with everything you said about rebounding is pretty much true.

It makes sense... but my ex rebounded after me for the reasons listed above Only they have been together for almost a year and a half. Yes their relationship is a joke because he cheats on her out of his emotional need, and they have broken up and gotten back together.. but they are still together.

This is what happens when a clinger meets a clinger. So if slimeball is a clinger and your ex doesnt have enough will power to see what she is doing to herself and change it.. then it may be one of those 'miserably (but together) ever after' stories

"Never underestimate the power of denial"

 

I think my ex will put up with it longer than she might have if she didn't have such a tremendous fear of being alone...possibly until she lines up a replacement, unless she sees that there is another way. One of the reasons I am working on my communications skills is that I'd like to be able to communicate with her in a way that doesn't get us into fight mode so much. I'm not ever going to try to break them up, but if she's unhappy, I want to be able to communicate with her in a way that says "Hey, maybe its time to look at yourself" without it implying "Hey, you can come back to me." I've told her that as long as I'm alive, she will never be alone, and that doesn't mean that she will be with me, just that I will always love her and she can depend on me. I also think that until she can believe that for herself (that people are there for her, even if they are not physically present), she will keep repeating this destructive pattern.

[pryda]

All very valid stuff.

 

My ex rebounded after me, it failed after 2 months.

While she was banging him, I was thinking and growing, so I probably achieved more in the long run.

 

The title you put on this thread is probably the most important thing to note from it, though. There are too many threads on here along the lines of "I think my ex might be sleeping with someone else, oh the pain" or, worse still, "I think my ex might be sleeping with someone else but he/she isn't telling me, how dare they?"

 

What it boils down to is that when a relationship ends, the affairs of your ex-partner are, from that point on, completely irrelevant. Mulling over them makes no sense whatsoever, it has no benefit to you. If they're sleeping with someone else or aren't sleeping with someone else, it doesn't make any difference - you've broken up and it's time to move on. This pointless baggage that some people allow to consume them months and even years after a break-up is what makes the pain drag on so long.

[lostandhurt]

eyes,

You make a lot of good points. It still hurts though and I know it will pass. There is one thing my therapist told me she has seen many times that the walk away will stay with the new person no matter what just to prove their actions were right (ends justified the means) no matter how miserable thay are because they still can't face the truth especially if they see the ex doing well.

 

lost

[lostandhurt]

I forgot to mention, Surfjon you are my hero. Not because of the score but because you are doing well and your life is your own once again.

 

lost

[pryda]

eyes,

You make a lot of good points. It still hurts though and I know it will pass. There is one thing my therapist told me she has seen many times that the walk away will stay with the new person no matter what just to prove their actions were right (ends justified the means) no matter how miserable thay are because they still can't face the truth especially if they see the ex doing well.

 

lost

Yeah, interesting idea.

It's possible that the ex might try harder to make a rebound relationship work than they ever did with your LTR, and may even be more upset when it ends - not because the new relationship was more significant to them but because they may interpret the failure of this relationship as a sign that they were wrong and threw away something great.

[tazthecat]

Hey eyes, good post..Although I may not agree totally on everything you have written..

When some imagine their ex sleeping with someone else, sure the image of that is sickening, but to some of us,sex with our ex's was more than a physical thing. Some of us experienced pure and total emotional satisfaction.

 

To hear our ex whisper "I love you" right after completion, and then have them hold us and listen to their breathing, and then both of us falling asleep in each others arms, just to wake an hour later and see their smiling face..

 

Now to me that is more than just "wham, bam, thank you mam, hey isn't the game on"..

 

To picture some douche bag giving my ex pleasure, and then cuddling them and listening to her breathe and having the luxury of smelling her beautiful scent,feeling her smooth skin,possibly listening to her heart beating, all the while I'm at home feeling like a piece of s--t,and crying my eyes out..And I'm suppose to just ..let that go?

Personally, for me, I've have moved on a bit from this, so no I'm not crying my eyes out. But for some the very thought of the person whom they loved. Who were told they are the most important person in the world to them. Who

made plans for the future, or whom were told that when they make love, it is the best thing in the world.

 

Also, break ups are served as degree's. If a dumper breaks up and its just to pursue a career, make more time for family, or something along that, although is still painful, its nothing to the thought of their ex, rocking some other persons world..

 

And hey, we might also slap some denial in there..I'd like to think douche bag(my equivilent to your slimeball) doesn't know her body like I do.. looks at making love to her as a chore or something to do until the football game comes on. I'd like to think of him as very selfish and aggressive, declining her needs. Douche bag doesn't have my moves, and experince at what she requires and likes.

Maybe after the deed is done he gets up, grabs a smoke and heads into the living room to watch grey anatomy or something.

I remember my ex told me that the reason why she loved making love to me, was because it didn't end after we were both through..We would shower together and have soap fights and tickle matches, and I would always take the last towel, and make a song out of it..

 

Douche bag may be the one to be having sex with her, but he is in no way, having her like I did.And this, to me is more heart breaking than anything..That it doesn't mean anything to her. That it is just about physical needs. That she doesn't feel anything after they are done.That after 8yrs of beautiful intimacy, she has become a empty, loveless husk.

 

Now as far as rebounds go. Well you know my stance on this. If your given the opportunity to have someone make you feel special again, and to have someone there that says they "Want" to be with you and that you make them "happy", that does wonders to the great person you know you are..

I'm all about resisting missed opportunities. When it comes a knocking, I give it a key.

Life is wayyyy to short to be sitting in the house pouring out my heart and tears, while someone whom I thought loved me is going about their opportunies..

As far as rebounding is concerning, I think they need to be assessed in the beginning with the new person. Just letting them know you just got out of a long term relationship makes them aware of the fragile person you are and that you may not be able to be emotionally available.

Lonliness sucks, and with 6 billion people in the world, why should I be..alone?

[barelyalive]

I woke up yesterday from a nap with this thought repeating in my mind: "The relationship was the important thing, not you" In my case, my ex stayed with me for three years not because he really, really loved me (although he said he did, and in the most profound and poetic ways) But he remained connected because he was terrified of being alone, and didn't yet have a distraction to break away from me.

 

When that distraction came along the first time, he took the bait without looking back, and told me this new woman had taught him the true meaning of love, even though she was so messed up herself, she would be caught screaming in the streets and walking around high out of her mind. When he tried to back away, she attempted to overdose on pills. This was the woman who had "taught him the true meaning of love."

 

Terrified of being alone again, he immediately began contacting me saying that he loved me, that I was his home, that he couldn't imagine his world without me in it. Because I believed his love to be genuine, I took him back and tried to patch up the pain.

 

As some of you might now, he recently sent me another email goodbye, and days later I found out he was sleeping with a woman 20 years older than himself.

 

I remember he told me that when his first tryst came onto him, he thought, "What's a man supposed to do? It just happened."

 

From eyes's post, I am gaining more understanding that it's not that he is in love with any one of these women--it's just that he is filled with so much self-loathing and insecurity, that anyone who throws herself at him will instantly be seen as a love-interest, a soulmate (I was defined as the highest of soulmates: the twin flame), but the difference with me is that I did not throw myself at him. I wanted to work at building a relationship.

 

So because I would not give in right away to his groping and grabbing and his crass gestures, because I wanted to teach him how to touch me, take time with me, learn about me in all ways possible, he perceived that I was thwarting him sexually.

 

He has equated sex with true love for as long as I can recall, and it makes me sad.

 

Yes, I have been devestated by his actions, and I am trying so hard not to take them personally. What is adding to the layer of severe pain is the fact that he was so convincing with his profound expressions of love--I have a thick volume of poems he wrote just for me, and one day a friend of mine pulled it off the shelf, read some, and said "Wow--this sounds like such a beautiful, sincere person...."

 

Now I have to put the book away, let it collect dust, and understand that it wasn't about me, it was just about not wanting to be alone.

[barelyalive]

My heart is feeling the same, Taz. I appreciate your post, because it also points out that we are all of us human, and we cannot help feeling the pain of this kind of betrayal--even if we logically sort out the reasons for it in our mind. The heartmind/soulmind speak and understand of different levels, so they grieve at different levels, and their timetables are not the mind's timetables.

 

So yes, our egos are smarting, but something deeper is, too. Our souls. I believe we are connected to people ona very profound soul level, and mentally willing away the images of our exs with another is possible, but the soul has to be soothed and healed, too.

 

It's the heart that remembers the love that expressed, the time and effort we put into making the ex a part of our world, and when that is chucked so seemiingly without thought, for another person, it shatters our world.

 

Like you said, it would sting less if we were diposed of for a career, or something that didn't involve another person. My ex told me he was leaving me because he had to go on a spiritual journey, and I was deeply hurt, but you can imagine how I felt when his friend told me over dinner with me one night, "You know he's involved with *blank*, right?"

 

I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and sob.

[nickbroken]

I agree for the most part, I know I do not own my ex by any means. Our I wasn't really clingy and didn't try to cling still she ended it, since I have gone on my way and haven't tried to talk to her in any way shape or form. I personally do not know if she is or is not rebounding. In my heart I fear she is or is sleeping with someone because that's just how it works after breakups. I also know that in truth it is none of my business what she does we are broken up and both free to do what we want she has the human right to do whatever she wants in this world. I also understand she has been with people before me and will be with them after me.

 

That being said....it doesn't change that it hurts if she is. It doesn't change if I personally feel that it minimizes what we had, even if it is just some way for her to feel numb, or maybe she just wanted someone else. Who knows. I don't and truthfully I don't want to find out, our last conversation I did ask if there was another guy and she stressed over and over there wasn't maybe she was lying, maybe she wasn't.

I dunno I guess maybe it's my view on sex that some will agree with and some wont. I just think sex is special at least for me personally. Now I've had my one night stands and what not. But I think they made me feel empty. So maybe I would hope out of respect for me she would wait. But what she wants to do is her life.

 

Now I was talking to you about this girl that I was really interested in and fear of a possible rebound...well things that transpired with that made me realize I am not ready I am still hurt. So I would of be a hypocrite to rebound and maybe am slightly for considering it when I am not even a month removed from my ex. I can tell you the reason why I am not rebounding. I have been taking this breakup fairly well. The best of any breakup I have ever been through, even two years ago I was a mess and really hurt.

This girl kind of pulled away some for whatever reasons or maybe I thought she was pulling away and I was surprised how it bothered me, I was kind of upset by it. It made me think about my ex and miss her some thinking why am I trying to date I was comfortable with her. The the girl came back not pulling away and telling me things about how I was special and how she enjoys her time with me and things like that and the pain instantly vanished all thoughts of my ex were gone I liked this girl and hope for a relationship again!...

 

Then I laid there and thought about it...and came to the conclusion that I am not ready to date. I am still hurt over my ex as much as I don't want to let myself believe it , but I am hurt. I don't want her back I do want to hear from her in the sense of she misses me and all that yada yada, but I am not ready. So I have pulled away from this current girl and been going trying to go on with my life the past day or two...and I notice I hurt more now...I dreamt of my ex all last night and the night before...I want to contact her, but I won't....just to get closure just to try to fully understand...but it is best for both of us I do not. I hope in a year or two to hear from her and talk about things....but in truth a year or two from now chances are I won't care anymore.

 

I guess the only part I do not agree with is the being responsible for my own reaction to it. Because it's not like I have a choice at this moment. Sure if a year from now I'm still crying and bumming over it that's a problem of not letting go, but I am who I am I can't control how I feel about things I just do. Believe me if I could not worry or care about it I would. I am doing everything in my power to not think or dwell on it and move past it.

I suppose to other part I don't agree with is you how worded it. "Yes, they are sleeping together- So what?" and "Suck it up" I know that this is your opinion, and I actually agree on the basic level of things a year or two from now I will think so what. I don't care who any of my other ex's slept with or rebounded with. I just think the wording of it is insensitive, and maybe I'm just sensitive this morning, But it's almost like telling someone with weight issues "Ya you are fat so stop eating and work out." Even though it is true I just think the wording for it is different, But I can't only interrupt it from my point of view.

 

Either way I forgive you for your insolence by letting you take me to lunch. Haha

[tazthecat]

Couldn't of said it better..Exactly how I perceive this.

Sorry you found out your ex was with someone in the way you did. No one should ever suffer like that.

[barelyalive]

Yes, it is hard to say "so what" when you were once intimately involved with the person, and in a matter of days, they are giving their body to someone else. The emotions involved with this kind of experience are overwhelming, and simply a part of who we are as people. If we weren't grieving and hurting like we are, it would seem unusual--almost inhuman, kind of like how our ex's are being, eh?

[tazthecat]

Yes, it is hard to say "so what" when you were once intimately involved with the person, and in a matter of days, they are giving their body to someone else. The emotions involved with this kind of experience are overwhelming, and simply a part of who we are as people. If we weren't grieving and hurting like we are, it would seem unusual--almost inhuman, kind of like how our ex's are being, eh?

 

Sometimes when we keep this pain alive, it defines us as how beautiful we really are and how we will give the next person to come into our lives that same physical/emotional connection, because it really meant something to us..

[barelyalive]

Also, the emotional pain we are feeling is not about our assuming the right that we own our ex--It's about the normal and healthy expectations we had for wanting our ex's to be faithful and trustworthy. No relationship can survive without these basic components.

 

No one wants to have their wedding vows be, for instance, "I will be faithful to you, but I don't own you, so if you decide to leave me for a slimeball who give offers to sleep with you when I'm not available, go for it!"

 

There is a sense of union achieved when we love and commit to another human being, and part of that union is giving each other a reason to trust one another. We don't own anyone, but we make pledges, either through marriage vows, or through that spoken understanding, that togetherness means faithfullness, too. Not ownership, but freedom within the structure of a loving connection.

 

And so I think the pain is not because we somehow lose tabs on "owning" our exs--It's more because they callously discarded the years of love and devotion we had in order to satisfy a selfish urge that was enticing for THE MOMENT. What they had with us was years of moments, and what they gave over to the new "slimeball" was just a moment of temptation that they are now trying to build into a relationship.

 

No relationship should start out on a moment of weakness. Rebounds fail so often beause they aren't ignited by real factors of compatibility and careful weighing of values, beliefs, etc...They are launched by a need for distraction, excitement, easement of some inner pain.

[barelyalive]

Lovely thought, taz.

[nickbroken]

Hahaha man when I read all this and think of how I feel....bleh I seriously don't want to be in a relationship again.....I know it's the pain talking.....but bleh it's a pain.....and the sad part is I know this for a fact....the second I am completely healed and fine and over it BOOOOOOM someone will get me into a relationship.

[barelyalive]

Hopefully, nick, a relationship that will encompass more of what your past one could not. For starters, it will value the idea of fidelity!

[nickbroken]

Hopefully my next relationship is with someone artistic, passionate, likes the same kind of music, intelligent, philosophical, understanding, can argue or fight over something and it not turn into some massive thing they can't let go of.Maybe they will able to make me feel passion...maybe they will fill me with fire...maybe so many things....and only time will tell if I reach that.

[richmonder80]

Preach on Bro!

[hers]

This is an amazing thread. Just, wow.

 

My situation is that my ex started sleeping with/dating his best (girl) friend about a month ago I suppose, someone I always liked and respected her for her loyalty and friendship to him. I don't own him; we've been broken up 4 months. I wasn't angry with him for sleeping with her. I was very sad that of all people, WHY HER? That's waht I couldn't figure out. He broke up with her because he felt it wasn't the right time, that he was still vulnerable over me. It turns out though that she was hardcore rebounding from her boyfriend (and even still possibly with her boyfriend) while dating/sleeping with my ex. One, I hated that she woudl do that to him, making him feel used. Two, I hated that of all of my insecurities when he and I were together, all of the girl friends I felt uneasy around b/c he had already slept with them before (including this girl), it was the one I never had a problem with. THat's not to say I would've been ok had it been another ex of his, or even if he picked someone up at the bar or something. It just hurt worse that it was his best friend.

 

I couldn't (and still can't) stop thinking about if they did the same things we did in bed, if he used the same words with her that he did with me, if they held each other the way we always held each other afterwards (like a reverse spoon...that was our thing). I just felt replaced...like it was really finally over. It was a wake up call, one that I needed but one that hurt just the same. It was even worse when I went over there (uninvited...so what did I expect?) and saw her Diet Pepsi bottle on the floor next to my old side of the bed sitting next to a pile of my bobby pins that I had left there over 6 months ago and that were still there. It's evidence that we both shared something so incredibly intimate with him and he enjoyed it from both of us. With him, she wasn't just a rebound. I know he really cared about her. And I know he got hurt over how she rebounded with him, even if she did care about him.

 

Just last night I slept with a guy to make myself feel better and to "cope" with the fact that my ex doesn't want me anymore, and I wanted someone to want me. I wish I hadn't done it b/c the guy is very nice and into me, but I can't say that I'm into him, even if I do like him. But do I like him b/c I need to replace my ex? Or do I like him b/c I am seeing his good qualities and am attracted to him? In all honesty with myself, something I rarely do with myself, I really think it's just b/c I need to get my thoughts of my ex out of my head. It's really over. And it really sucks.

 

Again, thank you so much for your posts. This is an incredible thread.

[barelyalive]

Nick, I, too, am hoping for the same things you are--I am in so much pain over the loss of a poetic, artistic soul out of my life, and one of the only things that is keeping me going is that passionate, artistic, good writers, gentle, loving men EXIST!

 

Idon'twanttoknowyou....I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I keep thinking about all the same things you are--Does he call her "liebling" like he did me? Is she swooning over his damn English accent and eating it up because he is so much younger than her? Is he telling her that I was a prude because I wanted to build a loving relationship instead of hopping in the sack after the first night?

 

He befriended her after he cheated on me the first time, and he used to tell her how much he loved me, etc, and wanted it to work. She's a massage therapist, so I keep picturing how one of her massages turned into more, and given his need for attention, he gave in right away, without any remorse. At least with the last one, he called me sobbing , telling me how precious I was to him. This time around, because he knows he got away with it the first time, I didn't even warrant a phone call--just an email that said he was moving on, with no mention of this new gal.

 

I have been in the situation before where I started involving myself with men just to distract myself from the pain, and I know it is easy to do because the pain is just so intense. But now I am facing this pain on my own, and truly working to heal my life and my shattered world.

 

I am sorry that you are in the midst of the worst part of the process of grieving, but I hhope that you can find the strength within yourself to pull through--Perhaps it is a good idea to retreat a little from the romance world and take time to heal your wounds, so you don't get hurt again.......

 

I make no judgments here for your choices; I just want you to be okay.

[hers]

BA, I'm sorry that that is how it went for you. It's that same situation with me--how did it get started? What was the first time like? Did he think about me during it? Was I in his thoughts at all?

 

But the biggest question of all is why am I thinking of things like that, b/c I know the answer will only hurt me more. When I saw that pepsi bottle near his bed, I lost it...I was a wreck. I wanted to immediately start saying awful things about her, like how unattractive I think she is, how she's so skinny that I bet his hips hurt, and even worse things than that.

 

He gave me a specific/customized nickname that was very special to me, and I keep wondering if he called her that too. If he did, knowing that woudl be worse than picturing him with her.

 

I know I'll grow out of all of this. I know I'll move on in a healthy manner. I know only time will help. But it's hard to think of how great the future may be when the present sucks so incredibly badly!

 

I hope you get through all of this ok as well....thanks again for your great posts.