Yes, they are sleeping together - So what?

[nickbroken]

Yeah barely....I made a list of the things I wanted in a woman...my ex was little if any of those....infact none of my ex's were....it is a shame.....once in my life I would like to date someone with the passion I have....someone that can inspire me....one day I hope.

[hers]

Yeah barely....I made a list of the things I wanted in a woman...my ex was little if any of those....infact none of my ex's were....it is a shame.....once in my life I would like to date someone with the passion I have....someone that can inspire me....one day I hope.

 

Wouldn't that be such an amazing thing? I also ahve a list like that, and my ex had quite a few of those qualities, but of course, since no man is perfect and I'm also far from perfect, I can't expect his wonderful qualities to match my own.

[barelyalive]

Right, it is so hard to believe that the future will be free of all this pain, but somehow, miraculously, it is...A mysterious process, one that I wish could be sped up at will, but the heart has its own terms.

 

In a way, nick, I wish my ex were not creative at all, not a wonderful writer, not any of these things, so I would not be left grieving so much the loss of his words and passion and vision. I wish he were more "average" in that sense. I hate remembering how we used to say our words were like mirrors of one another's--that when we read what the other had written, it was like reading our own words. Same thing with how we decorated our living spaces, etc. Same thing with our outlook on the world. Same thing with our very first memory of art. Our birthdays. The fact that he dreamed of an American woman, and I an English man ever since we were youngin's. Sigh.

 

It's as if the universe has played the cruelest of jokes on me.

 

But there are other passionate souls out there, creative, deep, spiritual, inspiring--It will happen, and better than we could have ever imagined. I have to believe that....

[barelyalive]

I know the torture, Idontwanttoknowyou...I know all so well. So well. I thought it was hard when I had to see him in person the first time after he was with her...I just kept thinking about his arms, his hands, his lips, his body with hers.......He didn't understand why I was reserved sexually with him, and again used it as an excuse to stray. He said he would be patient with me, let me rebuild trust, but when this new gal came on to him, all that patience flew out the window.

[nickbroken]

Yes....but if he was Average and not passionate and who he was....chances are you might not even of noticed him..and if you did maybe you wouldn't even of dated him....and if you did maybe you would never of loved him. In the end if you can tell yourself "I tried" that's all you can really do.

 

I am thankful and bitter my ex was not those things.....if she was this would be a lot harder...way harder, but maybe things would of worked differently?....but I am also upset with myself for letting myself be hurt over someone who wasn't everything I wanted...wasn't all those things on my list....but I still hurt...and I still miss her at times...and I still want closure I will never get...but it will pass...I will renew and heal...and become something new and find something new for me.....intruth to maybe go through all this again...isn't the first time....chances are wont be the last.

[barelyalive]

No matter that she didn't have many of the qualities you admire and need, you still loved her and were devoted to her, and she walked away in the most heartless of ways. The grief from betrayal adds so much time to the healing process--It's not like you both agreed in the separaton in an amicable way, where things were discussed, and there was that closure that helps the heart along in its healing.

 

When infidelity is involved, one person is left to pick up the pieces of their world, while the other has a temporary balm for the pain they should be feeling, but will instead be avoiding through the elixir of a new affair. Love and attraction will be confused with lust, and so that powerful draw will keep that person distracted for awhile.

 

I hope you will never have to go through something like this again--I hope I won't either! Because it is probably the hardest emotional trauma to experience besides losing someone to death, and in a way, it is like a death. One minute that person is there, the next they are gone, poof, without so much a tear, a proper goodbye, a seemingly understandable reason.

 

We can't have that one last hug, one last kiss, one last talk, because they moved right along into another's arms. It feels as though all of our power has been taken away, but one thing that has helped me regain some sense of control over this is to think that if he "dumped" me, then I am "dumping" him right back by cutting him out of my life.

 

I know in his mind it doesn't work this way, but all I can control today is what is in my mind.

 

I wish it were easier for all of us here, but we have one another now. Our exs chose to discard all of us here for the next shiny new toy, but that only speaks of their emotional stuntedness and their inability to remain committed, not to the kind of people we were.

[barelyalive]

Doesn't McDonalds have cheap coffee?

[nickbroken]

Thanks kitty....at this point I have to be as positive as I can...I am normally a negative person....not a pessimist per se....but I expect the worst....but I am a hopeful person....I know life works and I have no control over it no matter what I do...all I can really do is try my best and hope for the best. One day I will be inlove again...one day I will have those feelings you get when you learn about someone that intrigues you...I know this because this current girl I talk to makes me feel those things and it gives me hope...I'm just not ready now...it would be fair to her or I...I just want to be happy and I can only depend on myself to do that...and I will everyday that goes by is another layer of skin being shed from the person I was during the relationship....every day is one closer to when who I am will be here ready to greet the world. I look forward to that day very much and I know it will come in time...I don't want this to hurry up and pass because if it just doesn't magically hurt right away...then the relationship I had will of been for nothing, because I will of learned nothing...and intruth you have to go through difficulties in this life to grow....otherwise you will be a person with no substance....and I can't think of anything much worse than that.

[Lugh]

This is an interesting thread., i was just having this conversation with my therapist about how it still annoys me that 5 weeks after telling me that she wasnt coming back to me she was under another man, what annoyed me was the speed at which everything happened, a weekend away at his familys wedding, a couple of month later hes brought home to the parents and stays over and then they are planning so many trips away and even her mother has his mobile number.

initially it bugged me and it really bugged me that she brought him by my place to drop stuff off shortly after we finished, but my therapist said that this was just her trying to move on from our relationship and she was going so fast to try and run away from dealing with our break up.

 

its ironic that i thought she had moved on so easily when all she was doing was papering over the cracks and while i was hurting at least i was healing at the same time.

[nickbroken]

That sucks man, if my ex brought over her new guy it wouldn't be pretty.

[Lugh]

Yeah it was tough alright, i dont think it was vindictive , more her way of saying look at me ive moved on when really she hadnt, even now 7 mths later when she said she wanted to be friends, i would text her and would be ignored and when i would bring it up again she would say ive been very busy at work.

ive been working a long time and never been that busy not to return a friends call/text , looks like she still has issues.

its disappointing that its come to this i texted her 4 times in the last 5 weeks all harmless chit chat and got 1 reply, its petty and childish and i aint got time for it no more.

im moving on.shes still running away.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Yeah barely....I made a list of the things I wanted in a woman...my ex was little if any of those....infact none of my ex's were....it is a shame.....once in my life I would like to date someone with the passion I have....someone that can inspire me....one day I hope.

 

Unfortunately for me, my ex has virtually all of the things that would be on my list. She has a lot of extra things which I would love to be off the list, and in terms of qualities I seek, she's near-100%.

[nickbroken]

Barely, I know I loved her in some way....and you are right she was very very cold on the break up....told me she didn't love me...I didn't matter....that I was nothing to her....not in a mean way but in an indifferent way.....and it hurts because I think of all the time I spent with her and for it to of meant nothing it's just like damn....I know I wasn't perfect.....I tried the best I could with what I was given and that was really all i could do. I wish I did a few things differently, but I never did....maybe just there was something I could of done and maybe there wasn't...I don't know and I will never know.

 

 

I don't get that closure...who knows maybe I will 5 years from now...I had another girl I dated who did the same thing to me I loved this girl more fiercely then anyone I have ever loved she ended up leaving me for someone....I would hear from her every few months and it made it harder, took me a few years to get over it , but I did... we started talking about a year and a half ago around the first time the current ex and I were split up and I got to ask her things like did I matter? did she miss me? all these things and it was closure I just got later...that's life and I guess there is nothing we can do about how things turn out, just hope the best.

 

I tell you though this time I am going to atleast be wiser in who I choose to date.

It's going to be a very long time before I can commit to someone....I just can't do it right now because I am emotionally drained...I wouldn't even go back to my ex if she asked me to....we are dead and done and I accept it for what it is.

[EyesOnThePrize]

BTW, I didn't come to my points of view overnight. I went through the initial sting of her being with someone else, and whether he uses "our" nickname for her (I suspect not, and am not sure) and if he's better in bed than I am, etc., etc. And then I realized that my mind reading would 1) was not likely to seem positive to me, 2) was going to drive me nuts and 3) didn't change the fact that she was sleeping with him. Plus, the mantra of "all people make sense all the time" helps remind me to look at things from the other person's standpoint and to remember that its not all about me.

 

I believe that my worrying about it will not change the course of the relationship, and my criticisms of the relationship while she was in my house probably only drove her closer to him. I also think that the relationship is not long for the world, but I don't know that. My ex can be quite stubborn. Plus, they both made this big announcement about how happy they were together and how wonderful things were, so I suspect that they will stick with each other at least several months so they don't have to admit they were wrong so quickly. In fact, my ex had a "coming out" party where she announced all her big life changes (i.e., changing states, going back to school, leaving her company, getting a new boyfriend) and for her to say 2 or 3 months later "Oops, I guess I was wrong about him" would be very atypical of her. However, I believe that if she knows that she is not emotionally alone even if she is physically alone, she may find some strength to be on her own and heal...and that's still a big if, and one that is weeks/months/years down the road.

[nickbroken]

I dunno as I said I dunno what my ex is doing, I tried to assume things because of her past actions, maybe she magically changed.....I tried to tell her that this is stupid that she will just miss me like lasttime and contact me...she made it very clear that she wouldn't and I didn't believe her. Looks like I was wrong in that so that's why I assume she rebounded....oh well spit happens. You are down a different path than I am...you actually want your ex back and that is understandable after such a long time together and marriage...if I was married to my ex chances are we would still be talking because we would have to get out of it together...I dunno I don't try to think about her with other guys and beat myself up about it, it just happens sometimes.

 

Relationships are tricky...the more I read posts here the more I realize I don't want to be in one...it's like I can tell you right now I sure as hell don't miss fighting and massive arguments and stressing and all the garbage negative points of relationships that happen.

[nic2463]

This is the worst pain possible.My ex of 6 years went with a guy we both knew during a rough period in our relationship.She addmited straight away that she had sex and wanted to be with him.She wouldnt change her mind.I had mostly a great relationship with this girl and thought we would be together forever.The predator jumped in when i was away for a weekend after a argumentive period before.

 

Her reasoning was if she was happy it wouldnt have happened..It was double wammy for me this guy acted like my best friend while all the time trying to get my ex.I have come so close to confronting him but i aint doing time for him.

 

She jumped from me to him overnight and cut me totally out of her life,the only time i saw her was when i collected my stuff from her house and she said nothing.

 

The worst part was a full life together with her 2 children to nothing overnight.

Its been 3 months now and i still think of her all the time,it is just so unbelievable its taken a long time to get over the shock.

 

The thought of her sleeping with this guy kills and this slimball getting all the benifits of this lovely but gulable woman hurts big time.

 

Im still suffering real pain while she has jumped in a new relationship and has no pain.Life just isnt fair sometimes.

[nickbroken]

I feel you bro, I'm going through the same thing mostly. Minus the cheating/knowing she is with a guy...the hardest part for me was being in her daughters life for 3 years to nothing.....I won't ever see her again and that breaks me....we will get through this though I know that............one of the most important things I've learned from this relationship....never date a single mother....ever.....it's too hard to get away because you lose more than one person when it ends.

[nic2463]

I feel you bro, I'm going through the same thing mostly. Minus the cheating/knowing she is with a guy...the hardest part for me was being in her daughters life for 3 years to nothing.....I won't ever see her again and that breaks me....we will get through this though I know that............one of the most important things I've learned from this relationship....never date a single mother....ever.....it's too hard to get away because you lose more than one person when it ends.

 

Thanks for your words,for me i dont trust women at all at the moment,Its put me off dating full stop.

[nickbroken]

I dunno I don't not trust women, I mean look at all the women here that are going through the same thing....I just don't trust myself anymore with the wrong type of women, right now every single one of us is going through/has gone through a lot of pain like this at some point, and intruth we likely will again..but we have to try to heal and not be bitter...we have to let the light shine on us and let ourselves hope...I can die anytime, because that's just how life works....I don't want to die bitter and crying to myself over someone.....I want to be free of this pain and be able to enjoy life...so I just have to use the time I am given for positive things and getting better...it's all I can do.

[nic2463]

I think after something like i had happen when your life is turned upside down and your way of life changes overnight It takes sometime to find a new direction in life.

I have been out with a couple of women since the split but basically it was time filling.

So thats a waste of time until im healed.Im thinking of moving to another part of the country just to get some new focus onto something else,new job and house.

 

Yes im angry and sad that she can just discard me for someone new.

[nickbroken]

I know how you feel, I get angry and sad sometimes also...I gave my everything had a total family lifestyle I thought we were getting married...welp I guess the world has another plan for me...besides all the women around the world rejoice now that I'm single.

[nic2463]

I know how you feel, I get angry and sad sometimes also...I gave my everything had a total family lifestyle I thought we were getting married...welp I guess the world has another plan for me...besides all the women around the world rejoice now that I'm single.

 

Yep let the women rejoice,we just have the problem of sifting through the rubish to find the diamond.

[nickbroken]

I don't plan on looking too hard. Which I should just because it will make sure I don't find one and stay single...but sadly the second I am content in being single one will sprout up somewhere.

[EyesOnThePrize]

The woman I dated before my ex was a single mom with 3 kids (I went through a big 'single mom' phase...yay for being a rescuer!) and we were together about 6 or 7 months. She was separated, her husband was a total loser (later died of drug problems). The whole time, I was getting close to her kids, and frankly wanted to ask her to marry me. However, she was never totally detached from her ex, and dumped me for him. That one really hurt. She wanted him, when I had a lot more going for me. In the long run, I'm glad it didn't work out...she was not the right woman for me.

[nic2463]

Look i aint going to be ready for serious dating for at least a year which is a real * * * * due to her messing up my head,while she cracks on merrily with her new one as if nothing has happened...Thats why life aint fair.