Advice needed, re getting back together!

[david_01]

Hi I wanted to get some advice from people about my situation.

 

Me and my girlfriend were together for about 7 years and I was very much in love with her and her with me. We worked on our relationship, got throught any little problems and had a lot in common and didn't really argue much at all other than the odd little moan here and there. Towards the end of our relationship I got very depressed about my work situation and didn't know a way out which got me very down. This put a lot of stress on us and I think she eventually got fed up with me and then one day she broke up with me.

 

I was absolutely devastated and she said that she just didnt want a relationship at all anymore. This obviously hurt a lot and it's been very difficult. She said it wasnt me but I know it was.

 

Since then, we have had barely any contact at all. I did write her an email the following day saying that i was sad about the situation and hoped she'd change her mind but she replied and basically just said that it was difficult for us both but it would be the best thing to do. After this I hadn't initiated any contact with her. We've had a couple texts since then which weren't initiated by me, asking how I was etc which i responded to but I've not since contacted her at all.

 

It's been nearly 2 months since we broke up and I want to now try and speak to her again or maybe meet her. I've done so much work on myself over this time, I've worked out every day and my work situation is totally sorted, and I'm now so happy within myself and my life is now fully rich in every way. I feel like Im now the person I was in the first place which i lost sight of. However I do really miss her and want her back in my life. I have no idea how she feels but I have persevered with the NC and I feel I may be coming to the time where I should initiate some contact.

 

Does anyone have advice as to what they think I should do.?

 

I know she may not be remotely interested but for me to have closure I need to give it a go, be prepared to fail but at least know that I have tried. That way I can totally move on and close the door on the situation. On the other hand she may be pleased with the person I now am as opposed to the depressed person I was a few months ago.

 

What should I do guys?

 

Thanks in advance for any help!

( ps the I havent initiated contact for about 2 months and we havent had any contact now for about 3 weeks)

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So times were good and your relationship was very good...then you had work problems, got depressed for a little while and she bailed on you. Now that you are happy again you are hoping she will get back together with you. So what happens in the next crisis when you are not happy for a while...will she run away again? I think this says more about her than about you. She walked away from you when you were going through a rough time. That is not what relationships are all about. You are there for the person during their dark times as well as the good times. SHE failed the test, not you. I don't think you should contact her...in fact, you should be disgusted with her that she walked away from you when you needed her patience and understanding. Although she was using the same old tired line of "it is not you, it is me", she is absolutely correct...it was her. If she really really cared about you she would not have walked away in your time of need. Please try to put this into perspective and take her off that pedastal. She behaved very selfishly and very badly and if you try to initiate a reconciliation, you are just in for more pain. She has to be the one to realize that she was selfish...she has to be the one to apologize and make amends because she wronged you.

[poochy]

I agree with crazyaboutdogs, you may feel like your in the worng because she dumped you. Have you had work or personal trouble before in the 7 years you were together?

[TENNFOLD1974]

Be prepared to be just friends.

[greensleeves]

I completely agree with CAD on this. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she wasn't there for you when you needed her...after seven years with someone, I think you should expect more support when you're going through a tough time. Having said that, there could have been other factors the led to the breakup...from your post it seems as though you're speculating that the problems relating to work are what caused it, but what she actually told you was "I don't want to be in a relationship anymore". That in itself says that after seven years she wasn't very compassionate towards you...her commumication regarding the reasons for the breakup was minimal.

 

I think the the best thing you can do is completely move on from this. It sounds as though your life is going well right now...you said that you're happy with yourself and that your life is rich in every way. That's very positive Do you really want to mess that up? I would take her at her word when she says she doesn't want a relationship...you've come so far and I'd hate to see you go back to square one. If you really feel that you must try to initiate contact with her, be prepared for her to say no and only do it if you are absolutely positive that you can handle it if she doesn't have any interest in seeing you again.

 

You sound very confident and happy...I'm sure that there are many other girls out there that would be happy to have you in their life. Do you think that might be worth exploring?

[Hunny1607307342]

I think you should drop her a line asking if she'd like to go for a coffee and take it from there.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Waitasec...people jump to his defense because "she wasn't there in his hour of need"? I'm sorry, I get that this makes sense to you, and I think that's premature based on one post. First of all, maybe this girl wanted to get married for 5 of the 7 years they were together and she was getting extremely frustrated that he wouldn't ask, and then he sinks into depression. I think that might be the last straw for a lot of people. I have no idea what happened, because all I have is one post. He says times were good, what did she think? What was her sense at the time? And the OP was asking about re-initiating contact, not for people to tell him that its a mistake even to try.

 

Hunny's suggestion and Tenfold make some sense to me. I think both are realistic and answering the OP's request. If I was in your shoes, and I'm not, I would keep initial contact minimal, and don't pressure her. Show her that you've changed, and don't overwhelm her. She seems to have needed space, that might not have changed. I'd learn and respect her boundaries. I'd try to get her sense and understand better why she chose to left and figure out if you are willing to do what it it takes to prevent that from happening again. I would focus on your communications with her, because that's where I believe most relationships break down.

 

As always, all of this is just my opinion, and that and $1.00 gets you a cup of generic coffee.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Eyes, you do have a valid point...we don't really know all the ins and outs of the relationship and only the OP can really delve into what happened. However, I don't think he should rush into contacting her just because his life is in order now..he needs to think about whether that would indeed have been the last straw for her in a string of events or if she was indeed a selfish person throughout the relationship. I have met my fair share of fairweather friends...in fact there seems to be more of those type of people around than those who are there for you in times of trouble. Given that selfishness and bailing at the first sign of trouble seems to be an epidemic I think the OP should really do a lot of thinking about his ex and think about her character and if she just wanted life on easy street. True, nobody knows her side of the story...but that doesn't mean he should blame himself for the breakup of the relationship just because life threw him a curveball and he wasn't Mr. Happy-go-lucky for a while.

[Addicus]

EYES..I read some of Al Turtles stuff last night...it takes two to contribute to the end of a relationship....so even though the OP was depressed that may or may not of contributed the the break-up but it is usually two people. I would stay NC or as little contact as possible and look at the relationship and see what you contributed to the demise. At the very least by doing that you may learn from it and not repeat it in the next relationship. She broke up with you so she is the one that really needs to come back to you. You need to move on. Work on yourself, figure out why your job caused depression etc and learn how to deal with that if it happens in the future. Make changes but make them for you.

[greensleeves]

Whoa..eyes. Please re-read my post. I specifically said he may be speculating on the reason for the breakup as according to the OP what she said was that she didn't want to be in a relationship. I also said that there was lack of commumnication in the relationship.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Greensleeves, I wasn't picking on anyone in particular. Just that there seemed to be a lot of mind reading going on here. To me, it was like me driving my car into the shop, saying to the mechanic "It makes a funny noise" and having him say "Well, then you better get a new car." I would really like the mechanic to actually find out more before he gave me a recommendation.

[david_01]

Well thank you to everyone who has replied, it has been useful reading everything and thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

I should give you more detail regarding the situation because even though it started with my work, that in itself led to other things.

 

First of all the job situation happened a good year or two years before we broke up so I cannot accuse her of not sticking by me. We've had other challenges throughout our relationship, nothing big but little outside things that come up that we both worked through and became stronger for.(I'm not talking about being unfaithful or anything like that, just situations)

 

It's difficult because for both of us it was our first long term relationship and we experienced so much together and all our families were fully involved.

 

The reason why I take responsibility for the breakup is that because my work was difficult and not fullfilling me, I got very down and this affected other areas of our relationship.

 

I lost my ambition, drive, passion and just got very lazy both emotionally and socially and to be honest I relied on the relationship to fullfill my needs. This obvsiously put a lot of pressure on my partner and even though she stood by me and tried to support and encourage me all the time, I still wasn't able to get out of my "rut". Things for her were consistently good and balanced with work, social and everything and I was very unbalanced at that time. If I'm being honest I don't think I could have been with me as long as she was but she gave me true commitment but I think she just found the pressure on her to fulfill the relatinship too much for too long, saw me not getting out of my hole and just couldnt be there anymore as she needed to concentrate her life.

(We were both quite motivated by careers)

 

Since we broke up, I got my life into order and sorted pretty much every aspect that I wasn't happy with, so I have benefitted from the split because I may still be where I was 2 months ago, relying on my partner to make me happy, if we hadn't broken up.

The place I am at now is how I was when we met, confident, ambitious and happy. She waited and stuck with me for several years to help me get back to this place but now I'm here, she's not.

I just feel that I want to share all the things that I have experienced now with her because even though as an individual my life is so much richer I still have a hole where she was and I'm in the good place that we were for the first 5 or so years of being together. I just think it was a case of too little too late.

 

We were both very upset when we broke up and it all happened very quickly with both of us crying a lot. I just think that since we broke up, I've become the person I was before I got a bit lost. She may like me again but as far as she's aware I haven't changed at all because we've not spoken since so she has no idea.

 

After all the time together I don't want our last memory to be us crying our eyes out and being all stressed out so I want her to experience me as I am now, the person she fell in love with rather than the person I was a couple of months ago. Don't get me wrong I never did anything wrong or bad and I loved our relationship and we each other but I just wasn't great to be around and because my life wasn't balanced I was concentrating mor on hers.

 

I am being very honest here and I have been all along so I hope people don't think I'm an awful person. Its that because I havent had loads of experience with relationships and how one reacts in them, I didn't see the warnings coming that can happen when you get with someone and I fell into the pitfalls.

 

I am now so much more informed about relationships and I've learnt so much about myself that I now feel in the best position to be with her, being able to offer her and us all the things that I was when we met.

 

She said to me that she didn't think people could change and the fact is I have changed in every way. I want her to see this so that realises that people can change if they want to and also I want her to experience the change so she knows what she is giving up. Otherwise she'll think that I'm still that person I was 2 months ago when I'm not.

 

You never know, she may like what she sees!

 

I hope that wasn't too long and that you have a better idea now.

 

As the NC has been continuing I did want to meet her for the reasons I've said above. My question is how to go about it and whether I should or not.

 

If I wait for her, it may never happen because she'd think that she'd be walking straight back into the same situation as before whereas in fact I have a new regard to relationships and whether it is her or someone else in the future, I would go about things very differently.

 

If i leave it and "move on", I/we will never know what might have been.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If you call her up and say you want to meet and you are a changed person she might be very skeptical. To break the ice, perhaps you should write a short letter to her apologizing for having been such a downer during the relationship and causing her pain. Then go on to talk about the way you have turned your life around and how much more at peace you are. Tell her you would like to meet with her and talk if she is agreeable to that. Then see how she responds.

[Addicus]

You might want to read the thread NC and getting back together by a dumper....writtent by Jenny.... May help.

[greensleeves]

The extra info. helps. I think that if you don't make the effort, you will always wonder "what if", so you need to do this. Just be sure that you are completely prepared for the worse case scenarios..she may only want to be friends, she may want to have nothing at all to do with you, or she may be seeing someone else.

 

If you're prepared to handle any of these situations, then go for it. I'd just invite her out for coffee or lunch and take it from there. You don't need to announce that you've changed or that you're a better person...let your actions and your news about your life show her that you've moved in a positive direction. Take things slow and be cool...don't get clingy or desperate. I really hope this works out for you, it sounds like you've worked very hard to improve your outlook on life...good things are bound to come your way even if this doesn't turn out the way you want it to. Good luck

[david_01]

Thanks guys for the advice and support. I think that's what I'm going to do!

 

I don't have any intention of talking to her and trying to convince her I've changed and that I want her back etc. What I was thinking along the lines of, was speaking to her in a casual way and hope that the changes I have made speak for themselves. She should be able to notice the difference in me. If I turn up spouting how much I've changed and that I want her back it'll only lead to her backing off and will be seen as a pretty desperate attempt of reconciliation.

 

So hopefully if I speak to her and don't give away how I feel, it may arouse her interest again.

 

It's interesting because I read a lot on here about NC but most of the articles I've read are from people who are in NC or embarking on it but I don't tend to read about when someone finishes the NC and tries to take it to the next stage. Even though NC is a great thing for both parties, I think there has to be a point where the situation is readressed otherwise it's totally up to the the dumper to change their mind which may or may not happen.

 

I am going to speak to her and see what happens. At the end of the day getting together should be an organic process anyway, not something that is just decided. If we meet and meet more often something may or may not develop. Also as I have not initiated contact since we split, she may think that I don't care and have quite happily moved on which is not the case.

 

I don't need her in my life but I would like to know that now we've both had headspace and time to sort ourselves out that that really is it for this chapter. I know in an ideal world, I'd just move on and forget about it, learn from it etc but in reality it's not that simple. She has told me several times since we split up that she thinks what we had was truly special so I hope that that still stands.

 

I may be making a mistake but what more can I lose than I already have!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Good luck with it. Generally it should be the dumper who initiates contact...however, in cases when the dumper had no choice because the dumpee was not working at the relationship and taking it for granted then the dumpee should be the one to get things back on track. So given your situation, I think initiating contact with her is a good step and I hope you will be able to post a success story on here!

[AronSchneider]

If you call her up and say you want to meet and you are a changed person she might be very skeptical. To break the ice, perhaps you should write a short letter to her apologizing for having been such a downer during the relationship and causing her pain. Then go on to talk about the way you have turned your life around and how much more at peace you are. Tell her you would like to meet with her and talk if she is agreeable to that. Then see how she responds.

 

 

Dude, are you crazy! Are you going to destroy everything for him? You do not contact your ex and say that you have changed. It’s about showing it to her.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Dude, are you crazy! Are you going to going to destroy everything for him? You do not contact your ex and say that you have changed. It’s about showing it to her.

 

I agree with this. I think talk is cheap. Show her you've changed. And, I think its reasonable to expect her to be skeptical.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I perhaps did not make myself clear...I did not mean that you contact someone and say to them "I have changed, I am a better person, I realize x, y, z". What I meant is that if he has turned his work situation around and his life around, then he talks about what is new and wonderful at work and what is new and wonderful with his life. It is just a natural sharing and catching up that you would do with anybody. By talking about what is new and exciting in his life, she will be able to understand the changes he has made without having him ram that information down her throat by actually saying the words I have changed. My point was that he should take the subtle approach. He can't just contact her and have idle chit chat about the weather...that will not tell her anything...he has to somehow bring up things about his current life in a sharing kind of way that you would do with anybody you haven't seen in a while.

[AronSchneider]

I agree with this. I think talk is cheap. Show her you've changed. And, I think its reasonable to expect her to be skeptical.

 

 

But it’s rather difficult to show a person that you have changed. I would say impossible. If you have “common” friends then you can spread good stuff about you. But if you have no common friends, the common friends have moved away or the common friends were hers at the beginning you can not use that method. I tried with a friend of mine whose girlfriend is a friend of my ex but it doesn’t work because they don’t talk about “us”. I’m like wiped out as a subject.

 

I think the best way is to contact her for a reason. If you don’t have a reason thinks something up. Just be happy, talk to her max 20 minutes then end it happily and move on. If she says that she wants to “talk” about the relationship. Well, let her talk and you just listing to her. If she comes with all that “Oh, I love you but I’m not in loved with you anymore”. It means that she don’t want you in your life, top she want you as an “acquaintance”. You are just one guy she dated, even if you were half-married for 10 years. It will likely be the outcome for me and for most of us. But if not try we will think about this forever.

 

Personally, I will contact my ex in 10-11 days after a month of NC. When she dumped me I went into NC for about 10 days and then I contacted her but I wasn’t ready so I went NC. I have a very good reason to contact her! I have half my wardrobe at her apartment and I want half of my wardrobe back! I have 4 months left in my city before I move away. Why not try!

[EyesOnThePrize]

Dodgylan - I get that contacting her with a reason makes sense to you, and I think there is some merit there, too. I think you can also create a reason, if only to say "Hey, I just finished this great book on dealing with stress. I found it fascinating. I can't wait to put some of the ideas into practice." Now, if you've never read a self-help book before in your life, I think the other person will almost certainly have his/her curiosity piqued. I don't think you need to give any more information than that, either. You also aren't making the conversation about you or about getting back together or anything, just passing along some facts. You're not even asking for a response. I think you're just planting seeds.

[david_01]

Thank you again to everyone. Each post is giving me a different insight which is equally valid.

 

When we speak I certainly won't be explaining how amazing I've become and how much I've changed. That can sound like empty talk but in theory if I have changed as much as I think I have, this should come accross naturally in the conversation and the way we interact.

 

I hope that I can arrange to meet up and then this change will be noticed as I have also physically changed for the better in that I've been working out loads and my confidence is very high right now.

I don't want to come back and ram our relationship down her throat because any talk of that may come accross as pushy or have negative effects.

I'm hoping that as I am now the person I was when we met that the attraction may come back for her. If i give her any sign of needing her I think it will have an adverse effect.

 

I want to come accross as the person I now am and hope that something evolves from it. I am not expecting anything to happen from a phone call and meeting up once but maybe over time the spark can come back.

 

Am i being too laid back with this approach or should bring up the relationship? Will it seem too aloof or should i wait longer?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I never understand why whenever there is a breakup people have to put so much emphasis on the fact that they have now worked out and look amazing. Getting an ex back has nothing to do with how sexy or amazing the new body is...it has to do with the changes in attitude and behaviour...fixing the issues which broke up the relationship.

 

I don't think you are being too laid back. I think you should go for it and see what happens. Nothing is written in stone so you can change how you approach things as you gauge her reaction to you. The key is flexibility. Go in with some kind of plan but be flexible about it to take into account how she reacts.

[EyesOnThePrize]

I never understand why whenever there is a breakup people have to put so much emphasis on the fact that they have now worked out and look amazing. Getting an ex back has nothing to do with how sexy or amazing the new body is...it has to do with the changtes in attitude and behaviour...fixing the issues which broke up the relationship.

 

CAD - I get what you're saying, and I think that many people believe that the outer body reflects how they feel about themselves internally. I hid behind a layer of fat for years to keep the world at bay. One of my ex'es best friends does the same. Fat, and sarcasm and bitterness. This friend developed MS a few years ago and that's when she started hiding. I think that if this friend started getting healthy, it would represent a huge change in how she felt about herself. So, if one of the issues that broke up the relationship is low self-esteem, perhaps reflected in poor physical appearance, then I think there is something to the working out and looking amazing. I know that when my ex visits in June, she will see me looking differently in how I dress and carry myself, which will be because I love myself more now and want to present a more confident image to the world.