Advice needed, re getting back together!

[greensleeves]

David...I think you need to take whatever approach feels most comfortable for you, that's the only way it will feel authentic for you and will not appear to be put on just to impress her....

 

I'm hoping for the very best outcome for you...the bottom line is that you now feel better about the person you are so you're already in a better place regardless of what happens with your ex. I hope all goes well and that you'll keep us updated...a success story is always great to hear

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sure, I understand if the person was fat..but I get the impression on this board that there is nothing wrong with the "before" picture in most of the people and that the women just want the "after" picture to look like they belong on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, while the men want to look like they belong on the cover of GQ. That is not what will determine if the ex gets back together with you.

[EyesOnThePrize]

Sure, I understand if the person was fat..but I get the impression on this board that there is nothing wrong with the "before" picture in most of the people and that the women just want the "after" picture to look like they belong on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition, while the men want to look like they belong on the cover of GQ. That is not what will determine if the ex gets back together with you.

 

I think if what you're saying is that the change in and of itself won't guarantee anything, I believe the same. I do think that it can be a sign of a move in a positive direction.

[david_01]

"Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs View Post

"I never understand why whenever there is a breakup people have to put so much emphasis on the fact that they have now worked out and look amazing. Getting an ex back has nothing to do with how sexy or amazing the new body is...it has to do with the changtes in attitude and behaviour...fixing the issues which broke up the relationship."

 

I competely agree with this statement but I don't believe I put too much emphasis on the fact that I have worked out, I only mentioned it once in relation to it giving me an increase in confidence and self esteem which had not been there before. I have spoken far more about the mental changes I have made and these are far more relevant to a relationship situation than physicality.

 

By no means does the physical work one can do make up for any of the emotional aspects that need to be addressed but it is one thing that I needed to do for myself which I now have.

 

The bulk of the work I have done has been on me as a person, my attitude and how I view relationships and life in general with the physical work being only a tiny percentage of the whole.

 

Thank you to crazyaboutdogs for all your posts with regards to this topic and thank you to you all for your help and advice.

 

I hope to have some good news to say about it all but we shall see and any developments that come up I will let you know about.

 

At the end of the day things always work out one way or another but not as always expected!

[david_01]

Hi guys,

 

Just had some thoughts before I try and initiate contact next week.

 

Any advice would be welcome.

 

Having read some online books about breakups and such like it suggests that I only call once a day to speak to the other person, reason being that if I call several times it may seem a bit pushy or needy and if I try emailing or whatever it may seem desperate to get hold of her one way or another.

 

thereforeeee what do I do if I call and her phone is switched off? Over here people receive a text message when the phone is turned back on to say that a certain number tried to call them. If that is the case do i just leave it for that day.

 

Also knowing my girlfriends work habits, she's more than likely to either be at work or with a group of friends when I call. thereforeeee she obviously won't want to talk to me when she's with other people so the chance of me catching her on her own is pretty remote. I could take this as her refusing to speak to me rather than it not being the best time to talk because there's people around her. She probably thinks I m calling to plead with her.

 

I don't want to leave a message because it can be easily ignored but I fear that I am not going to be able to call her when shes on her own. Do I leave a message saying "Hi just wanted to see how you are etc?" and thereforeeee leave it up to her or do I just call her once a day for a few days, hope for the best and leave it if she doesnt answer?

Also if you guys think I should leave a message do i say I'll call later or, call me when you get a minute or let me know whens a good time to call?

 

So many options but I dont wanna muck it up so i want to be prepared and I doubt I'll get hold of her first time around.

 

Thanks guys as always.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess everyone uses cell phones these days they don't even bother with the "old fashioned" land lines (regular phones in the home). In this day and age of call display etc, she will be able to tell that you called but didn't leave a message. How about if you send her an email to break the ice. Tell her you would like to call and talk and ask her what would be the best time to call her.

[david_01]

Well I've just gotten up and called my exgf and to no surprise she didn't answer the phone but as I said in a previous post, I'm pretty sure she's at work right now. She works weekends too.

I then began writing her an email just to see how she was, mention a couple of things I had seen recently etc when she text me back so I aborted the email altogether.

 

She text me saying she had seen that I had called and how was I?

 

So I said I was good and that I thought I'd give her a call to see how she was and catch up a bit. I then asked when would be a good time to call.

She said that she was really busy over the next few days as she's going abroad for a work assignment so she said she'd let me know.

 

I then responded that we could leave it for now and if she was free at the end of next week maybe we could meet for a drink and catch up then but she then said that her family were coming down to stay next week so maybe the week after.

 

So do I leave it at that, for her to get back to me in her own time and hope that she does or what?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Definitely leave it at that. She is not making really definite plans with you so I would suggest you back off and if she wants to get together let her contact you. You put yourself out there and she didn't seem overly enthusiastic so time to back off. If she really wanted to meet with you she would have made sure to make time and not leave it so open-ended. You tried and at least you can say you gave it a shot. Now back away.

[david_01]

Yes I probably should leave it at that.

 

When we broke up she kept saying she wanted to be friends so I don't see why we can't have a chat to see what each other have been up to and after 7 years it's not much to ask.

 

I will have to leave it to her to get back to me, I think I chose a really bad time to get in touch as she's obviously really busy but I hope she does get in touch and that we can speak.

 

Thing is if she is totally happy with her decision to leave me, I don't see any negative reasons why she shouldnt talk to me. It's not like she would suddenly change her mind or would she?

Maybe she thinks I'm going to beg her to come back to me when I'm simply not going to.

 

So depressing LOL!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes I probably should leave it at that.

 

When we broke up she kept saying she wanted to be friends so I don't see why we can't have a chat to see what each other have been up to and after 7 years it's not much to ask.

 

I will have to leave it to her to get back to me, I think I chose a really bad time to get in touch as she's obviously really busy but I hope she does get in touch and that we can speak.

 

Thing is if she is totally happy with her decision to leave me, I don't see any negative reasons why she shouldnt talk to me. It's not like she would suddenly change her mind or would she?

Maybe she thinks I'm going to beg her to come back to me when I'm simply not going to.

 

So depressing LOL!

 

Dumpers all seem to attend the same school...The Institute for the Learning and Advancement of Mixed Messages (ILAMM). Sounds like your ex attended that school. Just lay low and let her come to you now....in the meantime, write her off in your head so that you are not waiting around willing the phone to ring.

[david_01]

Yes that's very true. We've probably all attended that school at some point.

 

I will totally leave it up to her to get back to me, anything other than that would be very desperate from my side.

However she could have just as easily ignored my call in the first place and not bothered to text me to say that she had noticed I had called her. Plus when I asked about meeting up for a drink she could have just said "no thanks" or "i'd rather not" instead of saying we could maybe the week after her family had gone back home.

So maybe there is an ounce of hope of at least establishing some contact rather than her not wanting to know in any capacity.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The only thing that counts are actions, not words. There are lots of people who blow off others very indirectly. How many people say "Yeah, we should do lunch" when they don't really mean it. How many people (be it friends, acquaintances etc) say "yeah I was just thinking of calling you when you calle me"...and yet they were not actually thinking of calling you, they just wanted to cover up the fact that you hadn't crossed their mind. Some people are not good at outright refusals so they take the easy way out and leave something open-ended without the intention of following through. I am not trying to burst your bubble, I am simply saying that you shouldn't read into anything that is said and put a positive spin on it. The only thing that counts is action...not vague words. So don't put your life on hold...don't wait anxiously for a follow-up from her. Just carry on as if the answer was no so that you don't wait anxiously.

[david_01]

It is funny how one reads into things and over analyses things to make them seem positive!!

 

I have to say though that I've never known her to be one of those people that just say things, she's normally pretty honest but I totally agree with everything that you said and will try to do that.

 

Interestingly enough since we broke up she has emailed me twice and also text me a couple of times so she has initiated contact. I only initiated it once after we broke up. The last text she sent me a few weeks ago was saying that she was always wondering how I was, so I would think a invitation to chat would appease her need to know how I was and what I was up to.

[david_01]

Is there a point where if she doesn't contact I should be able to contact her and say that I was expecting her to get in touch about meeting up?

 

Since she didn't say no but that we could maybe meet up next week for a drink or chat on the phone, if she doesn't say anything then surely I have a right to know if she has no intention of doing this or not. After the years we had I don't feel that I am being unreasonable asking to have a quick chat on the phone but I do think it unreasonable to fob someone off telling them that we could maybe do something if in fact they don't want to and then not letting the person know this?!?

[david_01]

I feel the need to contact her because I think I may have confused the situation.

 

I initally asked when was a good time to chat but because she said she was going away I then said if she'd like we could just meet up instead next week. She said maybe the week after as her family were down.

 

For me now though if we're not meeting up for another week or so, in the meantime I wouldnt mind having a quick chat on the phone which is what I initally wanted to do. Thing is now I'm waiting for her to contact me to let me know when we can meet but I feel we should speak first but because I suggested meeting instead, she may not think that I want to speak on the phone anymore.

 

Should I text or call just to make clear that we should chat before we agree to meet or do I just leave it and hope that she contacts me to meet up in a couple of weeks?

HELP!!!

 

I'm also starting to get angry about how she is being. I've never been angry about her dumping me because I feel it was my responsibility but how she has dealt with me since then has started to anger me.

She wanted be friends, she has contacted me several times asking how I am and she has apologised for her behaviour but all I see is a continuation of that. She has told me several times how special we were and I'm now questioning what the last 7 years has been about.

 

She barely says anything to me, apparenly can't find ten minutes to speak to me in the space of a week and considering she apologised for her behaviour, I don't see her changing it in anyway. I have no idea what we have been doing for the last seven years but I am starting to feel that after what we had I should be able to write her an email expressing how I feel about the way she is being.

I have let it be so easy for her to breakup with me, I've not challenged her once and let her do it with as little mess as possible but I feel that I am being the nice person here and she can't even give me the time of day.

 

What should I do?

[Litgirl01]

Dumpers all seem to attend the same school...The Institute for the Learning and Advancement of Mixed Messages (ILAMM). Sounds like your ex attended that school. Just lay low and let her come to you now....in the meantime, write her off in your head so that you are not waiting around willing the phone to ring.

 

I want to frame this one!!! LOL

[ghostgirl116]

hey david... i really know how hard it is to sit on your hands, but please don't call her. when she is ready, she will come to you. don't use "i may have sent a confusing message, etc..." be an excuse. she will come to you when the time is right for her. in the mean time, keep posting here! i'm afraid if when she broke up with you she said that she didn't want a relationship, she really feels the need for some space. if you find a reason to contact her, she may feel a bit turned off right now. she has initiated contact in the past, i'm sure she will again.

[david_01]

I agree and its so hard. I think for me though it's all putting off getting the closure I need on this.

 

Because of the way I was before and because she said people don't change I really need to meet her so she can see I have changed and then if it makes no difference to anything then i know I can totally move on but until we meet up she will continue to think I'm the same person as before and not be interested. There is a small chance then if she knew me now she'd actually like me again.

 

I know it shouldnt be like this but waiting for her to eventually call is really putting off me moving on 100 per cent!

[greensleeves]

I think the best thing you can do is just leave it alone. You tried to set up a couple of times to meet and they weren't convenient for her and she said she'd let you know...so the ball is in her court now. I know how hard it is and after seven years with a person, it's understandable that you're angry and confused. If you really want her to see that you've changed, let her see that you're moving on with your life. Give her the space that she wants, doing anything else will completely put her off. Give yourself some time and your feelings about her and about needing her to give you closure will change.

 

You said that waiting for her to call is putting you off from moving on 100 percent. What do you think she is going to say or do when you talk or meet up is that is going to help you move on? I can pretty much guarantee that you won't get your questions answered to your satisfaction and you'll likely walk away feeling like you did when you first broke up. I know it's very difficult, but pinning your hopes on her changing her mind when she sees you, or expecting that she will see a change in you and suddenly decide that she wants to get back together is what's really keeping you from moving on 100 percent. You deserve to have someone in your life that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them.

[david_01]

Well guys, Thank you for all your help and advice. I have heeded it all but I did email her this morning! Let me tell you why though.

 

Something in my mind changed last night and I don't want to do this waiting around or hoping for reconcilliation anymore. I don't think I want to be with her now and when I think about it I don't know how compatible we really were. I'm not sure how we lasted so long but maybe we both comprimised ourselves for each other.

 

I emailed her to say that I have put all our photos and ones that she took online if she wants to download any of them and then I said that it was obvious she didnt want to speak to me or see me.

I have changed so much since we broke up but it seems that she hasnt at all. One thing that was always a problem was that she never really said how she felt hence why our break up came out of the blue. She obvsiously doesnt want to know about me but instead of saying that she has fobbed me off with "oh maybe I'll see you next week" and I'm not prepared to play games anymore or wait around for someone.

 

I have so much to give the right person and I would rather wait to meet that person than muck around with someone that obviously doesnt know the right way to deal with me and is quite selfish. I just feel it's disrespectful to us,what we had and what I gave to her to be fobbed off in this way.

 

So I have said that if she wants to contact me and meet up then thats fine but if not then she should just be honest about it.

She broke up with me and wanted to be friends so i didnt expect it to be a problem for her and she should be happy now so meeting me wouldnt change anything but I am now happy to move on and find the right person who wants to be with me!!! I have a lot of love to give and I deserve to be loved in return and I think I was always more generous with my love than she was.

 

Thank you all and I will continue to be around these boards but my life is worth so much more than waiting for her to get back to me.

[david_01]

Hello Folks!

 

Well despite what I said in the post above, which still stands BTW, I did text her a couple of days ago to say hi as I hadn't done for weeks and we have arranged to meet up next week.

 

Now whereas before I would have been meeting up for the intention of potentially getting back together, I'm now meeting more out of curiosity and also to remove the awkwardness if we ever bumped into each other (we work very near).

 

Having said all that has anyone got any advice as to how I should play it and how I could be during the meet?

 

I'm hoping this will give me the final closure as if she meets me and doesnt feel anything then I know it's finally gone but it may start her thinking again. Either way I'm better off but now we've had space and time and clarity we can move on in a clearer way in whichever direction.

[looloolola]

In an ebook i purchased it says to have this meet up be a "lets catch up" no relationship talk, make it very light, be casual and up beat and happy, seem confident!! Try to make it fun, you never know it could make her have second thoughts about you.. Goodluckk!!!!