Nonchalance is Your Friend

[EyesOnThePrize]

We'll choose to keep those more giving people around us, but we value more those who value themselves more, as therein lies the prize - one that reflects our own self-perceived value. So, if you're with someone 'easy', you'll crave for someone who's more of a catch.

 

 

This is a key part of why I think my ex's new bf is a slimeball. For many years, I have seen how little self worth my ex possesses. She seems to get all of her self-worth from others. I propped her up for years, and eventually, couldn't do it all alone, and that's where I started to withdraw, and that's where things started to go south with us. This guy said all the right things, took advantage of all her self-doubt to move right in. I think she sees it, but her self-worth is so low she thinks that this is all she deserves. But for him, his self worth is so low that he has to prey on vulnerable, married women. Slime.

 

And yeah, I'm a little bit bitter.

[CrapAtNC]

And yeah, I'm a little bit bitter.

 

You definitely need to be more nonchalant.

[EyesOnThePrize]

You definitely need to be more nonchalant.

 

I'm working on it. Baby steps, Bob...baby steps.

[CrapAtNC]

Anyone trying this? How's it working out for you?

 

Not that I care or anything ...

[EyesOnThePrize]

Anyone trying this? How's it working out for you?

 

Not that I care or anything ...

 

Hey, I just bought Codependent No More the other day...gimme some time. I don't think I can even start this until the ex is out of the house (come on, Wednesday!).

[rapunzel]

I PM'ed CrapAtNC as I loved his thread and he sent me back this great PM that I thought was quite uplifting and buoying. It made me rethink how I am dealing with my situation. Although I've pretty much accepted my ex is not coming back, and I'm moving on, his thoughts are quite helpful. He agreed that it was OK to share with everyone, so I'm posting it here:

"Hi, Rapunzel. Nice to hear from you.

 

Glad you liked the Nonchalance thread; it's helped me immensely so I felt I should share.

 

You were with your ex pretty much the way I was with mine. But I've had to accept that not everyone shows nor enjoys love or affection the same way I do. If we give too much, we lower our value - I understand that now, and I'm guessing you do too.

 

Before reading on, have in your mind a vision of a real woman who you admire for being absolutely desirable through her nonchalance - I can think of even some very mature woman who still drive even young men wild because they know how to use nonchalance - they never try; they KNOW men will come to them, so why bother. Now imagine how that woman would be when you think of the situations we're discussing - her poise, her words, her ambivalence, maybe. She is attractive not despite her nonchalance but BECAUSE of it! OK, let's move on ...

 

From what I understand of your situation, you definitely do need to be nonchalant. It seems impossible when you think about it, but actually it becomes really easy, because you become that kind of happy-go-lucky person. It's like frowning when you're happy; it makes you unhappy - likewise if you smile when you're sad. So act nonchalant and you'll become nonchalant. You seem intimidated slightly by younger women, because you are not considering that you, in fact, have far more to offer than them. Forget others. Forget the competition. You have no competition. You pay attention to others and you draw attention to them. Don't do it. Pay attention to yourself.

 

Here's another key point: we create what we envision. I've made miracles (and disasters) happen through what I've envisioned, so get the thought out of your head of anybody being better than you, more attractive than you, or more inclined to get the things you want in life. Start to envision what you WANT to happen, and - you have to believe me - you will be amazed at how your life turns around and your attraction level increases. I'm not lying: since I started on this nonchalance campaign, it's been as though I've turned on a switch marked "Hot Man!". I'm not abusing it, but I'm loving it. The change it's brought about in my ex (towards me) is huge.

 

Don't be bothered about their feelings unless it really is something genuine and important. Don't worry about pushing them away or angering them by being nonchalant - because that's not nonchalance, and it's the nonchalance that will in fact be more likely to keep them interested.

 

Re. the cutting to the chase: Does nonchalance work for women? ABSOLUTELY! That's what drives my desire for her - she behaves very nonchalantly about me / our relationship, and that makes me value her far more than the ones who are currently throwing themselves at me ... and therein lies the rub!

 

We love to chase. We love to love those we perceive to have greater value than us, as it raises our own value.

 

If you've been too cool, try this: make flirty comments but don't be bothered about the response. Make them as you're walking away. Don't ASK for anything - make suggestions ("I'm going ... come with me if you want", not "Wanna come ...?")

 

In other words, show that you MIGHT be interested - create some question, some tension. And be seen having fun with other guys - and do have fun. Don't get involved, or get a bad name, or break hearts - just be seen to be desirable to others and fun to be around, and thereby have fun too.

 

You do need to find a way to disappear for a little while at times, and without letting on where you are. You might seem too available.

 

Oh, and when he compliments you, say "I know" with a smile. Sounds like it would have the opposite effect, but my experience is now teaching me it doesn't (and my ex would do this to me all the time, and it drove me WILD with desire ... why would she never return the sentiment?!)

 

All in all, enjoy this game. You've nothing to lose that hasn't gone already. Have fun with it, and be open to other avenues, as you'll find many more doors will be opening up to you. Note the good things that start happening to you when you have a genuine happy-go-lucky attitude and demeanour.

 

Don't feel obligated to break the silence; take a book with you instead. Always have something to do that shows you are UNAFFECTED by things such as this.

 

If another woman is around, change nothing. Behave the same. Again, this will surprise him and envoke at least some interest. Don't fake it. Don't overdo it. Really BE nonchalant!

 

Attraction isn't about who we are or what we look like, it's about the way we carry ourselves, no matter who is around.

 

I'm not an expert, so bear that in mind, but those are my thoughts. Let me know how it goes!"

[sazzle15]

I think that is an excellent thing to say and so true. Of all the relationships I have had when the man was falling over himself to see me I really was not fussed whether he liked me or not. Then the only 2 times I have really wanted someone and thought they were amazing and put them on a pedestal they have very quickly lost interest in me. I have chased them and they then ran away.

[CrapAtNC]

The trick is enjoy that feeling of desire for them, of wanting to blurt out in front of the whole world how you feel, but appreciate that the emotion is like fear - it can control you or you can control it: let's say a bus is hurtling towards you; you can use the fear to stand there and scream at the top of your lungs or you can use that energy to help you escape the danger. One is going to help you get what you want; the other is going to bring you disaster ... but BOTH were a result of the fear.

 

When we feel that overwhelming love, we can let it make us throw ourselves at the subject of our affection (usually destructive), or we can use that drive, that adrenalin almost, to help us be strong and make sure we behave in a way that doesn't smother them or drive them away. One is what we usually feel like doing; the other is usually how we should be behaving. The latter makes the relationship more exciting and fulfilling.

 

Getting the balance right, so that we have equal, loving, healthy relationships, is the key, so that we're not always leaning back and thereforeeee not ever getting to truly enjoy the relationship. A guideline that I've seen come up again and again is the one-third rule: pull back every third time so as not to smother. So, say no to every third request for a date; ignore every third call, etc.

 

I'm not saying to play a game; I'm offering a strategy for people like me who have to think first before they act so that they don't ruin it by doing what they feel they want to do.

 

But then who cares?

[CrapAtNC]

Don't worry about 'slipping' and 'screwing things up'; instead, look at it this way:

 

OK, not that way; this way: by showing affection or that you care a little more than you're letting on, you're creating a little mystery when you slip back into nonchalance - does she want me or not? That mystery works wonders in creating a little more desirability, so look at it as something that supports the new you, but be careful of not doing too much of it.

 

The more nonchalant you act, the more nonchalant you will become, and being happy-go-lucky is a great way to be.

 

Glad you can back up what I say about the effect it has ... and that it's been working for you.

[renaissancewoman101]

I wish I could get to the point of nonchalance about a lot of things in my life.

 

It doesn't work that way. Sometimes it's hard not to let your emotions control things.

[Mock Chop]

It can take a whole load of work - especially if you've been that way for a long time, but believe me, you can do it. I'm 37 and only NOW learning the art of 'caring less' about a whole heap of things. I still have work to do, and I still feel myself slipping at times. But it is possible

[renaissancewoman101]

I care too much about things, and it kills me a lot of times.

 

And probably makes me a bitter and unhappy person to be around.

[Addicus]

I care too much about things, and it kills me a lot of times.

 

And probably makes me a bitter and unhappy person to be around.

 

Caring is OK...it's not letting you eat you up inside! That's the trick!

[Mock Chop]

Caring in itself can never be a bad thing. It's when the caring too much clouds who you really are that it's a problem.

 

Believe me, I've hit rock bottom over these past couple of months (and not solely down to a break up). The fact that I have a son who I adore was the only thing that kept me going at times. In desperation, I turned my gaze inward - questioned WHY I cared so much when other people could shrug their shoulders and say "So what? Ignore it!". I started putting the pieces of the puzzle together - and my therapist handed me the final piece in my very first session with her.

 

Now? I feel like I'm undergoing a complete metamorphisis. I'm doing things that make ME happy. I'm cutting off ties with those who are nothing but a toxic influence in my life. I'm battling against negativity and growing emotionally. I've wasted too much time feeling 'less than'. I made a conscious choice to do whatever I had to do to NEVER feel that way again.

 

Nope, it's not easy but it's not impossible either.

[renaissancewoman101]

what if you don't really know what makes you happy? you try different things but it doesn't make you happy?

[EyesOnThePrize]

Ren - I'm sure you have some idea what makes you happy. If not, maybe you could look at the community section of the newspaper and pick out three things that sound interesting to you and try them. Maybe the 1st week you won't find anything, maybe not the second, and sooner or later I think you will.

 

Even if its getting a manicure/pedicure or buying a new dress or shoes or whatever, I think its great to treat yourself well!

[Mock Chop]

what if you don't really know what makes you happy? you try different things but it doesn't make you happy?

 

You keep trying different things I must admit, I hit it lucky with my first thing - jewellery making. A friend gave me some things she no longer used and I let my imagination run wild. It turns out I have a natural 'talent' - and I've thought for years that I was the least creative person imaginable! I now have 3 commission orders!

 

I adopted another dog too - a sickly dog that no one wanted. He adores me and the feeling's mutual.

 

And little things. Yesterday I bought myself a dozen red roses because a local store was selling bunches of six off cheap - and it was buy one get one free.

 

It doesn't have to be huge life changing things. Little things. Buying some new cosmetics. A new outfit. Your favourite food. Pamper yourself. I know, I thought it was a load of rubbish too - but to my amazement, it works. I had my haircut, put on some makeup for the first time in ages and my son stopped in his tracks and said "Wow Mum, you look gorgeous!". I did it for me, and I *felt* gorgeous!

[Addicus]

Good for you! Adopting dogs are the bes thing..they never let you down!!! YOur son was so cute! What you wrote is exactly what life is about...finding the thinsg taht make yourself happy....it continues to be a challenge everyday for me..but I like a challenge! I am sure your son is lucky to have you as his mum!

[EyesOnThePrize]

I went to a Humane Society fundraiser this morning. It was a 2 mile fun walk. I brought my little 5 lb chihuahua. She did well, probably did at least 1 1/4 miles on her own, the rest with me carrying her. It was nice to be around so many puppies, and it was a beautiful day, and I was doing something for a good cause and for me.

[Addicus]

Good for you EYES...I think when people learn to give unconditionally it makes for a great life! I do soem work for a dog rescue organization, home visits, transportations. It feels good! I want to increase the volunteer work I do once I get other areas of my life figured out!

[rapunzel]

Ok, trying to keep the nonchalant feeling going. It felt good for a few days and today, perhaps because it is Monday, the old feelings are returning...the old feelings of worry, regret, guilt, blah blah blah.

 

So it is a CONCERTED effort to fight these feelings and fight backsliding into despair, negativity. I'm feeling nervous about seeing my ex this coming weekend for work. He seems to have dropped out of sight a bit more, and my mind starts with the "he's found someone else", "he is so over me he doesn't even think about me" etc. I know this will happen eventually (he will meet someone else, and hopefully, so will I) and I don't know when...and I'm going to have to nonchalant if and when it does happen!

 

So my fear is that when I see him he's going to see right through me, I'm going to try the nonchalant happy-go-lucky thing and he'll see through my face that I'm not over him.

 

But this is just fear, it's just a feeling. It's not reality. I choose to be fearful, worrying about a future event over which I no control, only control over my own behavior and reaction to it. I create this thought in my head so I can just as easily replace it with a POSITIVE thought. Here's one I'll try on: "I'm going to have fun with or without him. I cannot base my happiness on him - he is GONE. He told me 7 months ago it was over. And guess what, life goes and and it's his loss because I have a great life and I gave him a lot of love. I'm a great catch and someone will be very lucky to have me as a girlfriend. He'll see me being nonchalant, happy-go-lucky and he'll get a nice warm feeling about me. I'll smile and he'll smile. He'll think "Wow, R really is a great girl and I'm lucky to know her."

 

Ok what was more than one positive thought but I say, keep 'em coming!

 

I feel a bit better....knowing I can choose to change my thought from a negative one to a POSITIVE one.

[CrapAtNC]

Nonchalance really, really works.

 

I've been leaning towards my ex a bit too much recently, because she's been pulling back (big mistake!), and of course it just made things worse.

 

So I started pulling back myself. We had a quick chat, and she seemed in a bad mood, so I pulled back a bit (being careful not to reward unwanted behaviour). When she started getting angry (about nothing), I basically ignored it - I acted like she wasn't really peeved, and responded with a jokey comment that also kind of insulted her a little bit. Then she reacted badly, so I did it again - but worse.

 

She said little for two or three lines, and then started telling me some sweet, funny stuff about her cats. Then she started joking! Now, in the past, I would have reacted the wrong way, by getting angry myself or by trying to appease her, and it never worked. But by being nonchalant - by being completely unfazed when she starts to get upset for no reason - I can make her switch her mood 180 degrees almost instantaneously!

 

I'm still chatting to her now (must cut off the convo soon), but it's like nothing got her mad ... it's all forgotten and she's being lovely.

 

Hope most of you are trying this ...

[Addicus]

I love your posts...I do the same thing...I ract to the negative in a negative way...trying to react in the way you are! It is hard so I give you a lot of credit but as you state it can have amazing results when you make a choice not to fuel the fire and instread put it out by not feeding into their issues! Thanks for sharing!

[EyesOnThePrize]

CrapatNC - That's one of my biggest communications problems with my ex. When her lizard tenses up, mine does to and I jump into fight mode. I'm trying to retrain it to stay in safe mode and realize that its her who has the problem at the moment, not me. I have to respond to her e-mail from yesterday in some form, and I want to do it very nonchalantly.

[pumpkinmoon]

Ok, I've finally gotten around to reading this thread and I think I kinda get it.

 

How do you move from NC to LC nonchalantly? Anyone have any tips?