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Nonchalance is Your Friend


CrapAtNC

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Is it needy to wish an ex a happy bday only a few weeks after the breakup? I think someone who is nonchalant wouldn't ignore a bday like that, they'd send the wishes and be like 'whatever' right?

 

My ex had been pretty brutal to me on the run-up to her b-day, so I didn't do a thing--no message, no present or card, nothing--and we ended up lovers again several days later.

 

But if things have been pretty good, your approach is fine, I would say. Keep it short, sweet, upbeat, and totally non-needy. She'll be expecting (and dreading) more, so disappoint her and make her interested to know what's happened to you.

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Haha thanks, I have no idea if things have been pretty good though - they were supposed to be good, keeping in touch and the like, but I became too emotional when we spoke so I've been in NC for 17 days --- don't know where we stand at the moment...

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Hey, my reward will be hearing that you're doing better. Appreciate the offer, though, and I will let you know if I ever need that kind of info.

 

She does have a heart. Imagine feeling that you are responsible for your loved one's unhappiness though. We force them to shut down when we don't give them space when it's needed and when we make them feel that anything they do will be monitored and judged by us.

 

Read what you wrote above when you need to remember where you have gone wrong in the past. In fact, write it out again, but this time replace the unwanted beahviours with healthy, desirable ones; e.g., not 'I always overreact' but 'I respond to everything in my life in healthy, thoughtful ways', and not 'I'm trying really hard to focus on other things,' but, instead, 'I focus on building up other areas of my life'.

 

Don't contact. Let her do that. When you get the urge, go work out or clean up or do something else that will take your life towards where you want to go and deserve to be.

 

And look up codependency online. The tricks for overcoming it are few and simple. You really can be a different person--the kind your girlfriends will feel very comfortable with and always attracted to.

 

I've been through it, so I know how you feel. I still slip from time to time, but for the most part I'm pretty proud of the person I've become. I love that I'm now attracting women who I once only dreamed of even getting to know, and that I can keep them coming back after a break-up. Not perfect yet, but I'm very excited about where this is going. You should be too.

 

All the best,

 

 

Crap

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Haha thanks, I have no idea if things have been pretty good though - they were supposed to be good, keeping in touch and the like, but I became too emotional when we spoke so I've been in NC for 17 days --- don't know where we stand at the moment...

 

Griffey, did it end nastily? Is she with someone else? Did she tell you to give her space? If yes, then don't send a birthday message. If she brings it up at a later date, say you did wish her a happy birthday but you couldn't tell her because only secret wishes come true.

 

If she's not in a new relationship, if it was amicable, and if she hasn't demanded space, then send her a short, impersonal birthday greeting. It will indeed have more of a nonchalant effect than if you ignored her birthday.

 

Again, just my opinion.

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Also - how was your ex brutal to you leading up to her bday?

 

She started dating someone else and was very hateful towards me, full of blame and insults, and saying lots of bad and mostly untrue things to our mutual friends. Nothing really, really bad--just very painful for me, and certainly not anything I wanted to reward.

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Griffey, did it end nastily? Is she with someone else? Did she tell you to give her space? If yes, then don't send a birthday message. If she brings it up at a later date, say you did wish her a happy birthday but you couldn't tell her because only secret wishes come true.

 

If she's not in a new relationship, if it was amicable, and if she hasn't demanded space, then send her a short, impersonal birthday greeting. It will indeed have more of a nonchalant effect than if you ignored her birthday.

 

Again, just my opinion.

 

Haha she made out with another guy which triggered the breakup (I had neglected her) but we talked amicably after this until I got over emotional and needy via texts and she said it's probably best if we both take our space and time.

 

She's not seeing anyone right now but who knows. She initially wanted to keep in touch until I showed that I couldn't handle it.... She's never done anything hateful towards me though.

 

So I'm kind of in the middle of both situations which is why I'm struggling with the birthday so much...

 

Thanks man.

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Griffey, send her a short, sincere, but not in any way needy or emotional or loving message. Upbeat and brief is the key, though be careful not to be too upbeat, as that would indicate you're over-compensating.

 

Just something like 'Hey, I hope you have a great day today. Happy birthday!'

 

And that's it.

 

okane24, make sure you've prepared in your mind how to respond when she does get in touch. Make sure you don't respond too quickly, with too much text, with too many replies, or with any kind of neediness. Be the first to break it off, and do so at a particularly upbeat moment. It will be your chance not only to shine, but also to see how giving space and being less needy is actually more loving and considerate than being too 'there' for them.

 

Basically, take care of everything else you have to do first, and see the texting as a pleasant distraction but one that's taking you away from the new improved life you're building for yourself.

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Hey Crap,

 

So she text me last night and said this.

 

Her: "I hope your doin ok, miss yo ass"

 

Update #2 It's 10 minutes after the first text which I did not respond to and she just sent this.

 

Her: "Your out drinkin arent ya? Nerd"

 

So today around 12:30 I wrote back this: Hey crayz ass, was passed out last night when you text. Went to a BBQ and got drunk lol been buried all morning after getting up at 10:30! Hope you have a good day (I sent this around 12:30 after not hearing from her on her way to work)

 

Did I do OK? I know she thinks she has me wrapped around her finger so I wanted to back off a little but not too much. I don't like the fact that she did not text me for 2 days, then sends me something late after the weekend is over. We did hang out Friday and Saturday night. But she usually text me everyday. I did not text her either for the past two days. She usually will call me on her way to work at 11:30 but did not today. Just wondering your thoughts.

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I used to think that we HAD to communicate every day or something was wrong / the relationship was no longer perfect. LOL. I now see that as silly. A few days of no contact is a good thing.

 

Your response to her is more like you're losing interest in her, which may be why she's not called this morning. Your goal is to raise your attraction level by increasing your perceived value. Overall, I think you did OK, as you've broken a pattern.

 

Make sure she knows exactly what you want--don't be ambiguous. I guess you've done that already.

 

Also, though . . . you know, she wants a little space. She wants less pressure. She doesn't want to feel she's committed. Are you sure you want to force her into the kind of relationship she's just not ready for right now? How about just being upbeat and non-needy for a while?

 

Just let her know--in some harmless way--that you are attractive to others. Maybe tell her jokingly how some girl was hitting on you. Do so playfully and carefully (non threateningly). Make it clear you were in no way interested. That kind of thing. She must know that she will need to claim you as her own sooner or later . . . but, again, don't force her hand at this point; it wouldn't be fair to her and probably wouldn't bring you what you wanted.

 

Just my two cents.

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BTW, don't do the 'girl hitting on me' thing right now. She's probably wondering why you didn't respond until morning, and you don't want to suspect you cheated.

 

Also, don't lie. If you didn't pass out, don't say you did. You just chose to respond later. That's all. You don't even need to explain.

 

I would have replied 'Yeah, just had a few beers. Went to a BBQ. It was fun. How was your day? Missing me must have been hell.' That kind of thing.

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Crap,

 

I plan to just be upbeat and non-needy for awhile. She knows what I want but I am not going to saying anything or push it. I will work on raising my percieved value.

 

Do you think I should send another text showing more interest? What would I say? Maybe I should just write something on her FB wall? Or should I wait for her to call at this point or text?

 

Why do you feel my text showed I was losing interest? If it does, is that a bad thing? Maybe she will want me more if she thinks she is losing me.

 

If I do text maybe I say something like this? OMG I have a funny story for you! I tell you when we talk. Mis your ass

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Haha! What happened to the guy who was going to work on being less needy and more upbeat?

 

Your message was OK--just a little cold. Try being more playful than . . . disinterested. I used to suggest being aloof, but I think that implies ignoring and perhaps looking down; what I meant was to suggest being above any harmful, needy responses.

 

When my ex says she misses me, I say 'I know'. It's become a joke. Now I need to change the response. I'll think of something playful and non-needy.

 

Just wait for her to contact you again. Respond a little sooner this time. Be playful.

 

Just stop worrying about what your next move should be an how she might be feeling. Your job is to guide the relationship; that means being proactive and not reactive. If she shows she's not happy or is concerned about anything you say or do, you can playfully take it somewhere more fun. So you don't need to worry; just be ready to respond the right way in the future.

 

When my ex got REALLY mad about something I'd said, I would just say 'You'll survive' or 'You're only saying that because you know I think you look sexy when you're angry' and then IMMEDIATELY change the convo to something more fun. In the few instances where she remained angry, I simply said that I didn't mean to pee her off and again changed the convo. The effect was magical--she lost the anger and instantly became nice (something she rarely was towards me).

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OK, I hear what you are saying. I will try to keep it in my mind to respond playfully and not so serious. I know she like the funny stuff.

 

What sucks is I would really like to send her a quick text that is funny and playful. Is that a bad idea? Woud that be too needy?

 

What if is said btw, how was you day? Missing me must have been hell lol

 

This is my last question. Thanks for all the good input I really appreciate it. I am working on your concept but it takes time to change my thinking. I start to get worried that my response was bad now and she won't reach out to me urrrr. If I don't hear from her how long should I wait to text her? What should I say if I don't send anything now?

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What sucks is I would really like to send her a quick text that is funny and playful. Is that a bad idea? Woud that be too needy?

 

What if is said btw, how was you day? Missing me must have been hell lol

 

Sure. If not too much time has passed since the previous message. Then stop thinking about what to say!

 

This is my last question. Thanks for all the good input I really appreciate it. I am working on your concept but it takes time to change my thinking. I start to get worried that my response was bad now and she won't reach out to me urrrr. If I don't hear from her how long should I wait to text her? What should I say if I don't send anything now?

 

Mate, take a look at what you just wrote. You said you won't ask me any more questions and then immediately asked me two more. You're smothering ME now! I think I need some space, dude! It's not me; it's you!

 

Lighten up. Stop trying to create a formula. Just enjoy being you, enjoy what you do have in your situation, and only have positive pictures in your head. That's really all you need right now. Stop caring too much. I mean it.

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You are cracking me up! No wonder I'm in the spot I'm in! I won't smother you anymore and will chill as long as you answer this last simple question haha.

 

She text me I miss your ass at 11:30 last night and you saw my response today at 12:30pm. It is now 2:30pm the next day. Is it too late to send btw...how was your day yesterday? Missing me must have been hell lol

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ok so i went through the whole begging, pleading, crying phase with her. wasn't helping, couldn't keep doing it.

 

i just basically went NC as much as possible. we have bills together and stuff so i have to send her some money for a few things. i usually drop it off at our old place when she's not around. i did make some BIG BIG mistakes right after the breakup that in retrospect would definitely not do if i could redo things.

 

the entire story can be found here:

 

 

anyway, i went there to the apt to drop off some money and i took my TV and my XBox because she's already dating this guy and while i don't think it's serious, i don't think it's fair for some other guy to be sleeping in our bed, and putting his things on my nightstand and watching movies on my TV, etc with the girl i'm in love with. basically all the furniture in the apartment is mine so if i had a place to put it i could basically leave her in an empty apartment.

 

she flipped out over me taking the TV and tried to make it because i didn't tell her i was taking it first, although she told me i could take whatever i needed whenever. the rest of that deal can be read about in that above thread.

 

anyway she IMed me today and here is the convo. how do you think i handled it?

 

Mary:

sell your extra ticket yet?

Me:

no

why

Mary:

i really do want to go to that game. what time is it for

Me:

ticket says 7:30

Mary:

oh that sucks never mind i would have bought it from you but i'm not getting off work till 7:30

Me:

why do you want to go so bad all of a sudden?

Mary:

lets see i have no tv to watch it on, all my friends are either working at the superdome or have tickets to go to the game

Me:

like who?

Mary:

all my friends in new orleans

Me:

you could watch it on the other tv

Mary:

no i hate that stupid tv

Me:

why

Mary

its too small i'd have to get a stool and sit next to it

Me:

it's better than nothing

Mary:

no

i almost bought a tv from best buy, 42 inch for $399 their brand

Me:

why don't you just wait?

Mary:

for what?

Me:

i dunno lol

insignia tv's suck

Mary:

it got 4 stars out of 5

720 hp

or something

Me:

yeah their brand got good reviews on their site. imagine that.

Mary:

yeah but i still don't have a tv and dancing with the stars comes on in a few weeks, saints games are coming on and i have a tv from the 80's

Me:

well i'm just saying

Mary:

well you don't have any input as to when i buy a new TV

Me:

just trying to help

Mary:

trying to help me by making me tv-less

viore?

heard of them?

or element?

tvs?

Me:

no

can i ask you something?

Mary:

what?

Me:

what happened?

honestly?

Mary:

you became a sucky boyfriend. i was tired of taking care of someone besides myself, tired of spending all my money, tired of cleaning up after you

shall i go on?

Me:

no

i know all that already

but i don't see why that means it can't be different in the future

Mary:

how's your aunt

did you find out for sure what type of cancer?

Me:

lymphoma

Mary:

i thought you were going to spend time with your mom?

Me:

and now my grandma has a tumor on her kidney

i had to work

Mary:

wow

tumors aren't always cancer

my mom has one in her stomach

the size of a honeydew melon

Mary

31 pounds so far

that i've lost

Me

i know i can see

Mary

my pics?

Me

yeah

Mary

i know i still can't believe it but pics don't lie esp of me in the white shirt

Me

i like that shirt

are you wearing your girdle?

Mary

Morgan gave it to me

no!

Me

lol

Me

can we just try to work on it?

i'm down 22 btw

Mary

good

Me

come on talk to me

this is good

Mary

aw i'm so cute

looking at my pics

Me

yeah i know i get it

Mary

sorry

lol

just can't help it

Me

so what is it with you and bars now?

Mary

acutally i haven't drank in over a week, i just go to hang out and play darts

nothing wrong with that

Me

not at all

ya boy seems like he likes to get really wasted though

every pic of yall he's so drunk he can't keep his eyes open lol

Mary

no he's usually not, he just takes bad pics

not everyone is photogenic

as me

Me

not everyone is attractive either

like you

Me

so did you go tubing yesterday

Mary

no stayed home, and did homework

Me

oh that sucks

how's school

Mary

stupid i can't wait to be done

Me

why is it stupid?

Mary

just same ol same ol

Me

well

you still got a little bit left so

i dunno

Mary

i know i do don't remind me

Me

lol sorry

are you going to the concert thursday

Mary

helloooooo work

ugggg

i hate you

Me

you have to work all day?

lol what did i do?

Mary

yeah the kids are off that day

Me

oh well that sucks. didn't know that

Mary

i think it may be yom kippur

or something

Me

nope

not that

Mary

how do you know?

Me

i just checked

Mary

what holiday is that even?

Me

dunno trying to find out

Mary

oh CD just wants to be lazy to take off for the season opener

Me

rosh hashanah

Mary

maham shalakem

Me

what?

Mary

nothing just making up stuff

Me

jewish new year

Mary

whens yom kippur

Me

17th

so what are you doing for your birthday

Mary

having a pool party

Me

where?

Mary

at a house with a pool

Me

lol duh

it's not like i'm going to show up there

Mary

thats ok, i'll prevent you from temptaion

Me

haha you're ridiculous

you always tempt me

always have

Mary

to be crazy

Me

i'm not crazy

you know that

Mary

some time

s

Me

no

Mary

sometimes

Me

i was just emotional

regret is a hard thing to deal with

Mary

wouldn't knwo

Me

don't be mean

Mary

if i was beingmean i wouldn't talk to you

Me

then why did you just say that

Mary

i don't live with regret anymore, do what you do and don't dwel on it or you won't live your life the way you want

Me

i guess

Mary

you'll always live in the past if you dwel

Me

do you regret anything about us

Mary

nope

Me

nothing?

Mary

nope

Me

hmm

Mary

learning experience

for both of us

Me

how

Mary

ug

Me

i'm asking

Mary

don't have time to explain

have school tonight

i mean

today

Me

i'd just like to show you what i've learned

i dont think that's too much to ask

Mary

where r u

work?

Me

no i'm off today

Mary

lazyyy

Me

i have doubles the rest of the week except thursday

Mary

i was off yesterday

Me

so you were lazy yesterday while i was at work

Mary

no i did homework and went to the gym

i feel like being lazy today

Me

then do it

Mary

cant i said i feel like it though

well i have class so i gotta go

bye

Me

bye

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Hey Crap, like many others, I've read this entire thread... You should write a book! Anyway, I was wondering your thoughts on nonchalance while long distance. My very-recent ex with whom I've had a lot of history moved about 3-4 hours away right after the breakup. I always knew that I would do NC and try (that's the key word) being nonchalant, but I'd be interested to hear opinions... Does it play a role at all? What would be the impact?

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[okane24, make sure you've prepared in your mind how to respond when she does get in touch. Make sure you don't respond too quickly, with too much text, with too many replies, or with any kind of neediness. Be the first to break it off, and do so at a particularly upbeat moment. It will be your chance not only to shine, but also to see how giving space and being less needy is actually more loving and considerate than being too 'there' for them.]

 

Crap,

 

you said prepare my mind. What if she wants to talk about us? If shes in a foul mood and shes sad and wants to talk about our relationship, I'm worried I might foul up and get needy again or be too nonchalant.

 

I don't want to act too nonchalant where she thinks I'm ok if we aren't together anymore.

 

I think we're just on a break and I'm giving her space. I don't want it to be over.

 

How do I say that without sounding too needy?

 

Something like:

 

Babe you were right. It was good to get things back into perspective and hang out with my friends again. I just don't want to crowd you anymore or put any pressure on you. So we can chill and be cool together, right?

 

I don't know... Doesn't sound too good, but do I even say these things? I have to have something prepared or I will screw it up somehow...

 

Thx!

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