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Mock Chop

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About Mock Chop

  • Birthday 11/03/1970

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  1. Mock Chop
    I woke up yesterday knowing that I will never contact my ex again. We've been broken up for 9 months. There has been VERY limited contact. The other weekend, I got drunk for the first time in many months. I am going through a rather traumatic time, reliving and coming to terms with childhood abuse (with the aid of therapy), processing everything. Drinking was a bad idea as I came home to an empty house distraught. I know I dialled his work number (knowing he wouldn't be there, of course), but I have no idea if I left a message on his machine or not. I know - I was pretty disgusted with myself. However, I'm being kind to myself as I am on one hell of a journey and a slip from time to time is no big deal. I emailed him about a week later to say that I was aware I might have left a message and if I did, to apologise sincerely for it. I explained that I was going through a tough time and that I'd slipped, but it wasn't the sort of thing I wanted to be doing. No response. So now I'm thinking "If someone I once professed to care about was hurting, would I ignore them completely, even if I weren't in a relationship with them?". The answer is no, I wouldn't. I need people in my life who are compassionate, caring, understanding. I don't need someone like him, who runs away from emotion, who hides behind his defences and pretends he's happy living a very solitary life. Someone who hides in his work to protect himself from 'feeling'. I don't want him back now. I love him, but I don't want him the way things are with him. I'm working hard on me. I don't have the words to verbalise what I'm going through with all this. And he's not around. He knows but he's not around for me. So I'm done with him. I still think about him, still miss him but know that ultimately, it's for the best.
  2. Mock Chop
    Thursday night I knew it was over for good, no going back and no going forward together. All by email of course . I said some spiteful things borne of hurt. Saturday I sent a short email apologising for lashing out the way I did, that it was wrong of me to do so but that he had treated me badly and I was hurting. Email address then deleted. His stuff is still here. I told him he had one week to collect it or it was being disposed of. I know there's stuff he wants back, so who knows. I've put his house key in an envelope with a short note. If he doesn't show to collect, then it gets posted but the rest of the stuff is going to a charity shop. I am never contacting him again. I told him in the note that I needed to hang onto the belief that he truly did want the forever he claimed he did, but that there was something inside him that made it impossible for him to let it be. I know my hurt and pain will pass and that one day I'll be able to look back with fondess at the good we shared. I loved him heart and soul. It's over, the man I fell so deeply in love with has gone and I don't know, nor want to know, the person who's taken his place.
  3. Mock Chop
    I share my bed with my Rottie and my little (compared to the Rottie) Staffordshire Bull Terrier/Sharpei cross. The little one snuggles under the duvet and must be touching me at all times. The Rottie sprawls along the bottom of the bed on top of my feet. I usually end up hanging off the edge. It's probably a good job I don't have a boyfriend anymore........lol
  4. Mock Chop
    He emailed me today. A response to my second last email to him - sent over 2 weeks ago. It was the longest, most 'interested' email I've had from him in a long time. He sounded like his old self again. Most odd.
  5. Mock Chop
    Day 13. From the day we first started talking, I have never gone this long without talking to him. It feels weird. I have even more I would like to tell him and have written the email about 83 times, but still not sent it. Maybe I will in a day or two, and maybe I won't. Who knows?
  6. Mock Chop
    It's 3am here and I can't sleep. It's now day 11 (I had to count). I've written him 5 emails, and all are saved in my draft folder. I have really good positive things to tell him, but I'm now reaching the stage of "Why should he know what's going on with me? Why should I volunteer information?". I wonder when one of us is going to broach the subject of returning 'stuff' and giving back the keys to each other's houses. I'm putting off that little subject as it just makes it all so final. I have all his stuff packed up in a box in the spare room so I don't have to look at it. I haven't even been into the spare room since I put it there. The majority of 'our' emails (approximately 10,000 of them) are on my desktop pc which has died a horrible grinding death, so that's one less thing to worry about. Now, if only I could bring myself to delete the pictures of us.
  7. Mock Chop
    Day 10 (or is it 11?) for me. I'm itching to respond to his last email, but figure if he can take a week to reply to me, then I shouldn't really be in any hurry. He's not the only person with other things going on in their life. Who am I kidding? I miss him.
  8. Mock Chop
    I've been NC for 8 days. He's emailed, but nothing I feel the need to reply to. Or rather, nothing I see the point in replying to. I don't know how I feel really. Just tired, I guess.
  9. Mock Chop
    What's with today? I've not had any contact with ex for a couple of days. I'm feeling quite down, for a variety of reasons. Then friend 1 pings me on MSN - she's married, but has been having an affair with a man going through a very messy divorce. She fell for him badly, he ended it the other day. I talk to her a while, trying to console her but all of it making me feel even worse and miss the ex badly (I know, I'm a rubbish friend). I manage to get out of the conversation politely, then friend 2 sends me a message saying that her FWB has confessed he's seeing someone else - she had hoped keeping him as FWB would make him see the error of his ways. I might be being horribly selfish, but ffs, I'm dealing with my own broken heart here. All it does is remind me of how much I miss my ex, and how much I love him. Argh.
  10. Mock Chop
    I'm angry. I'd let him know about my foster dog. He sends an email just now saying "Why did you want another? Can you afford this?" Excuse me but what the HELL has it got to do with you. You removed yourself from my life and in doing so, forfeited all rights. I told you because I wanted you to know (he loved my other dog), I told you because I was doing something for me, because it felt right for me to do it. I didn't tell you so you could then ask me to explain my choices or decisions. I don't have to justify it or reassure you. I didn't say any of this. I merely asked why he was asking. I don't even know why I did that and didn't just ignore his ignorant questions.
  11. Mock Chop
    We have to see each other at some point - we still have keys to each other's houses, I have a box of his stuff here, and he has some of my stuff at his place. He's never said a word about the keys, but then neither have I All I do know for sure is that it cannot be left like 'this'. But right now, 'this' is how it is and how it's going to remain until I am totally sure I'm capable of handling a negative interaction. I don't want to tell him about stuff because I think it will make him do a 180, but because we were close, because I'm seeing in myself what he always TOLD me was there (but of course I didn't believe him I want to tell him how empowering it is, how there's the contradictory thing of feeling so excited about the realisations and 'aha' moments but suffering the great pain of loss when those realisations bring with them the knowledge that you have let your past negatively impact on your interactions and relationships with others your entire life. Time will tell what happens. For once, I'm doing the grown up thing and sitting back.
  12. Mock Chop
    Oh dear, I miss him badly today. I woke up in a funk, went to see my therapist for our usual weekly appointment, and spoke about him a fair bit. I know where I went wrong, and I know that I can never go back to being the person I was in the last couple of months of our relationship. It's not mentally possible for me to go back - I can't 'unknow' what I now know, so there's just no way for it to be done! I knew what I was feeling then, but I had no clue as to WHY I felt that way. Now I do know, so I can't go back to that state of mind (thankfully). I want to tell him. I want to sit down with him and just talk. I want to tell him about all the realisations, all the understanding and the phenomenal leaps I've taken in being my own person. And then, if it's what's meant to be, I want to say goodbye to him properly. Needless to say, I won't do it. Yet. Soon I will put in that request for a meeting, and I'll tell him all I need to tell him. My friends, my therapist, people I only talk to on an internet forum have all seen the huge change in me. I can live without him, the world keeps turning. Only it's a world with something very precious missing.
  13. Mock Chop
    I don't know if NC is healthy or not. I'm choosing LC because I know the man I was involved with - and I know that if I just cut him out, he'd retreat even further. It wouldn't matter what was in his heart. Maybe I'm too soft - don't know and I don't care. I know he can only hurt me if I choose to let him. Being in LC with him doesn't hurt me at the moment. If or when it does, then it stops. My choice.
  14. Mock Chop
    My foster dog is here, and he's adorable. An absolute sweetheart. He needs loads of TLC, so I think that's where my emotional energy's going to be redirected!
  15. Mock Chop
    The new dog has to catch the ferry over to the UK from Ireland. He's on his way to the ferry now I've come so far over the past few weeks, but sometimes I stop and pause and realise that I still have so far to go. I'm bursting to tell the ex so many things - things I've learned, discovered - all those 'aha' moments. I want to sit him down and tell him how amazing and, at the same time, terrifying it is to shake yourself free from the shackles of your past. I want to explain that I did what I could with what I was given - no, it wasn't good enough, but I recognise that. The fear that's been with me all my life is subsiding, because now I know why I was so scared, now I know what that 'something' that I always knew was missing was. Maybe it is too late. Maybe he just came into my life to allow me to see all this stuff. I don't know. All I know is that I love him dearly.
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